âYou know, I remember I was pretty freaked out by it when I was younger, too. When I was studying special education,â Adam explained. Maybe not so much in his classes when he was still removed from the kids and being in a position of guidance and leadership. Even though all he wanted in his life was to be a leader for kids, to help them along during the most difficult time in any childâs life, it was one thing to want to help and another to be actually there. âOf course I always wanted to help, and this population always had a special spot in my heart. But when it came to field work, I would worry that I wouldnât be good at it. That Iâd somehow mess it up.â
Adam found that the best advice wasnât always advice. Sometimes it was just admitting a shared life experience to let the other person know they werenât alone. That others had leapt the same hurdles and found they werenât very tall hurdles in the first place. He smiled at Paxtonâs words. âItâs absolutely worth it. There will be challenging days for sure, but then moments that remind you why youâre here.â
âMe?â He asked, raising his eyebrows. He shouldnât have been surprised by this question, but usually the only people who cared to ask were women on first dates. âThe first time I ever spoke to someone was in college. Before then, I signed to communicate. Other kids thought I was deaf or mute, or just that there was something wrong with me because I was different. They called me âretardâ and all that stuff. It made me think about why weâre so, xenophobic I guess? I was as mentally and physically capable as any other kid, but sign language made me weird. It made me think about how the kids really living with disabilities must feelâ frustrated they canât run in gym like the other kids, that they canât speak as easily or button their own coats. They already feel different without the teasing, they can see theyâre different. I just wanted to be someone who could advocate for them. Make them feel a little less different.â
âI feel like that all the time,â Pax confessed. âNot just with this, but with med school, too. Iâve always known I wanted to be a doctor, and my parents always supported that, but now that Iâm actually applying, it feels really real. Like, Iâm going into this field where peopleâs lives are going to depend on me and my knowledge and how hard Iâve studied. Iâm worried about exactly what you said, that I wonât be good at it, or that Iâll mess it up.â Maybe not the best thing to say to a supervisor on the first day of a volunteering job that involved working with special needs students, but now, there was no where to go but up.Â
The older man almost seemed surprised at the question, though that wasnât surprising to Pax. People were always taken off-guard when he asked them about, well, them. Why they did things, what interested them in their path. He asked everyone, just to get a sense of whether he felt the same way everyone else did when theyâd found the right thing. The path that mattered, that made sense. âI never thought much about any of that, growing up,â Pax said, feeling a pang of guilt at Adamâs explanation. Heâd never been outright rude to anyone, that he could think of, at least, but that didnât mean all of his behavior had been okay. Heâd definitely thought of himself as doing a good deed when heâd partnered up with someone in class who was maybe considered an outsider for any reason. In hindsight, probably a shitty outlook. âI think thatâs a great reason to go into this field though, you get to use your voice for good.âÂ
