He couldnât help but think of how differently Thalia would have reacted to a situation like this. Had Astoria been the one who had been taken, she wouldnât be here giving him permission to go find her instead she would want to go with him, to get her back whatever the stakes. She wouldnât be yelling at him to use his brain muscle, she would be squeezing her own brain with him to come up with the perfect plan. She would trust that he was doing everything in his power to come up with the best plan to rescue her, make the best choice from the limited options they had. But this wasnât Thalia, he reminded himself. And Astoria was right â she wasnât the same girl he knew years ago, she wasnât the same girl he had fallen in love with. Time had changed her to be a different person, a much stronger one, a much more cautious one â all of which he understood and appreciated â but also one with opinions and views so very different from his own that disagreements were inevitable. He and Astoria had been close for years, but there was something about growing up together since they were toddlers which made Theo and Thalia connect differently than how he did with Astoria. Thalia was just like him, Astoria â she was the opposite. She did complete him, he knew that, he believed that, but sometimes the puzzle pieces didnât fit all that easily, it took a while to find the right piece for the right spot.
He wanted to tell her that he was doing his best, making the best choice, taking a calculated risk â that he was not being reckless but even the safest ideas he could think of wasnât safe enough. But unfortunately, he simply didnât have other options to turn to. Before he could say anything, she had already brought up something else he had said in the heat of the moment and he shook his head, looking at her coldly. âDonât you dare do that! You know I didnât mean that. You know! I only meant you werenât there and so you donât understand what it was like for me before. I am not blaming you, Ria! I thought we are over that â or do you still want to cling to things which we said and did in the past? The past we said we will never look back at again?â He sighed in frustration as she continued on about how he was being reckless yet again and he couldnât help but feel his anger build up all over again, enough that when she said she was going to meet his sister, he didnât stop her, letting her turn and walk away from him. If anything his conversation with her had only made his desire to go find his best friend stronger â and he would do exactly that, whatever the price.
She was trembling and her head was spinning as she walked away. Even through all the anger and hurt, she didnât make it far before she stopped. Somehow walking away from him hurt more than fighting with him. The space was nice though. It gave her a moment to calm down and process. Why were they fighting about this? If they ultimately agreed on the outcome, why were they fighting? It had to be something else. She just needed that moment to think about it. Once it clicked why this was bothering her so much she turned around. What started as walking turned into running out of fear heâd already left the room. She stopped in the doorway at the sight of him, taking a second to catch her breath before walking closer. However, she didnât walk much closer, unsure how upset he was and if heâd want that.
âIâm not mad. Iâm scared and I donât always know how to properly express that. I donât always know how to explain it and explain what I need. I want to put the past behind me, but I canât forget it. I donât mean you. I mean my parents. I was raised to wear a mask. It was all about appearances and manipulation. I have a lot of issues because of it. I want to trust myself and the people around me, but sometimes I fall into old habits. I can tell myself something a million times and it wonât really stick. I need people to tell me themselves and to show me. Thereâs that part of my brain that jumps to the worst conclusions and copes with it just as poorly. Iâm sorry. I have issues trusting myself. Iâve made so many poor decisions so even something as basic as the decision to trust is questioned. I guess what Iâm trying to say is that I do believe in you. I just get stuck in my own head when I donât hear it from you. I need you to talk to me about what youâre thinking, confirm and reassure, so I donât do that. I can tell myself that you probably have a plan, and that youâre smart enough to have gone through all the options and picked the best, but it means nothing coming from me because I still have trouble believing myself. I donât know if this is making any sense. It made sense in my head, but I donât know. I just feel so stupid and useless right now. This is my problem and Iâm making it yours and thatâs not right. I shouldnât be bothering you with this right now when youâve got someone so much more more important to worry about. Iâll figure it out myself.â
