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DNI: maga, racists, homophobes, transphobes, bp/incels, femcels, extremists of ANY kind, just anyone weird in general 🙏
.*. about yourself. *. ⋆
I am very open here as its as anonymous as I can be without people reading my thoughts, while also just getting things off my chest! My DMs are always open to whoever needs them, and for the most part this is just an online diary to me LMAO
After having an altercation with Ioana, the balance between Hoaran and Xiyi becomes unstable. No longer able to form Héng anymore due to Hoaran’s frustration. Her passion for fighting turning into disgust and self loathing, pushing Xiyi away in his timid nature.
The magic a vampire possesses doesnt allow for the same natural healing their bodies usually do, now marred with proof of their loss.
Xiyi leaves on his own for space away from Hoaran. His heart aching from letting her down, maybe if he had just been strong enough… he found himself wandering into the forest of suicides.
[a reference to Dantes Inferno via the same forest inhabited by Harpies]
There he finds Simran, a harpy sitting alone. The humanoid like bird offers his company to the wandering boy.
He felt like he wasnt enough for her, that even as Héng he was weighing her down. Maybe she wouldve found someone better if he wasnt around. Simran sat with him, his fingers intertwining with the blades of grass beneath his palm. He offered as much support as he could, however it only seemed to bring him down more.
Hoaran in a rage stumbled upon a dollhouse, a small porcelain doll inhabited the inside. She felt almost drawn to her, the doll introducing herself as Lottie. Curiosity sparked inside of her as she began to talk with the doll. She felt a rush of.. relief, as Lottie seemed to draw out every negative emotion in her.
She visited more and more often, talking for hours. Building a kind of relationship with Lottie. The dollhouse becoming a sanctuary from everything that ruined Hoarans life.
After she found out about Xiyi’s visits to the forest, the insinuation of his depression, her self loathing ate away at her. It was her fault for being upset—for pushing him away. She grew desperate and dependent on Lottie’s company, she would always listen, tell her what made her feel better.
After breaking down into tears about how she should leave, find Xiyi and apologize, Lottie talked her down.
“But why? Arent you happy, Hoaran?”
She felt weak, she knew she shouldnt be here. Lottie didnt really help her, she just couldnt bring herself to leave. She felt stuck.
I just want to start of by saying this blog will have a lot of mentions of DV, COCSA, SI AND OD heres a CW
I honestly have a really hard time remembering my childhood as I get older, and not in a “im getting old and this was so long ago” kinda way. I don’t remember how i grew up until my mom moved us out of our grandparents house and thats pretty much it.
When i was younger i would tell my counselor about the stuff between my mom and my dad. I feel like it was more vivid then. I had told her how one time my mom came to pick me up from my dads place he had a gun in his shoe, how i remembered the yellow green and white lights of a sign somewhere after driving with my mom. Of course she called home and stuff and my mom retold me what had happened when i got older.
My dad always used me as a tool to get back at my mom, he had pulled a gun out from his shoe/sock and threatened to kill my mom, she sent me to her car and told me to call 911, we drove to a different location nearby and she spoke with the cops or whatever.
another time i was at my aunts house, i couldnt have been more than 8 years old because i had gotten my first phone. I was texting back and forth with my mom because it was Christmas eve i think, i had a bunch of new toys and i was sitting in the living room, my dad was on the phone with my mom and he was pacing from the living room, dinner room, and kitchen screaming and yelling. I was trying to hide that i had a phone from him because it was in case i wasnt safe with him, but i was doing my best to text my mom and not make a sound. I was crying and apologizing for issues so far out of my control.
Another time before i had my phone, it was forth of july or around that time because i heard fireworks outside. The color from the street lights kinda shined inside from the living room windows in my aunts house, i was watching that one show with Nina and the star drawing in the sand, my cousin had come downstairs from his room and stood in front of me on the couch. It was coolish grey with an odd texture, not exactly suede but close i think. I heard the fireworks from outside and my dad had gone back out there. I dont think it was anyones fault, my cousin has special needs (from what i heard) and we were both young.
Its certain things that trigger those memories for me, the color of the lights, what was on the tv, the plastic food from my tea set, the carpet, the fireworks outside.
When i had overdosed i grabbed my medication from the kitchen, the actual bottle, Focalin xr 10mg, i dont remember how much was left in there but i had a container in my room full of medication i had skipped out on taking. My mom had just trashed my room and spent 2-3 hours yelling at me, i had cleaned my room and she and my step dad stepped outside to smoke. I didnt care anymore, it was a spontaneous thing. I had been cutting myself since 11, and suicidal ideation since i was in elementary school, i was aways too scared until then. Idk why but i took it, all of it.
I sat in front of my tv watching Hamilton rocking. I wasnt sure if that was brought on by me overdosing or what but rocking was something i did a lot to self sooth. I was watching Thomas Jeffersons introduction and writing on my arm when my mom walked in not quite apologizing but something close to it. I dont think i acknowledged her because she came over to me and saw the change in my eyes, i remember she practically dragged me into her room with my step dad on the bed just on his phone and she asked me what i did. (For context for the rest, both of my parents work in EMS) i felt anxious as she kept pressing me, i just didnt want to get in trouble again. However for better or for worse, i fessed up and my step dad called poison control and my mom went to the kitchen to grab the now VERY empty bottle of medication.
I dont remember much aside from them waking my sister up and dropping her off at my grandparents (down the street) and at the hospital where the nurses tried to ask me how much i had. Talking about algebra variables because at the time i couldnt articulate much aside from idk. The walls in the room were green and white (or yellow give or take) and it was strips, so they looked like blinds, i thought the walls were moving or at the very least i felt disoriented. I dont remember much afterwards aside from my chest hurting and being tired, i wasnt in a coma but i slept for like 2-3 days maybe?
Despite being 17, and having maybe more memories to choose from with my mom, my favorite with her would have had to be when she came to visit me in the ICU. I was still very tired and my hair was a mess (i have curly hair 🥀) she helped me sit up as she sat behind me on the bed and she braided my hair into two french braids and told me how much she loved me, how she was sorry she didnt see it sooner, everything. I was only 12, and i had this small angry woman behind me telling me she cared, that she saw me and she was sorry.
I think about it a lot because at one point she cried, and for my mom? She doesnt ever cry. It hurts more than the OD that we arent close and that we have a horrible relationship now, especially given that shes all I have parent wise. I wish i could remember more because i know for a time she was like that more, softer, kinder, yk
I wish I had someone to guide me through my sexuality. To help me have understood what exactly i was feeling or the lack of anything at all.
I think a lot of times I weaponized a relationship because I knew it meant someone cared. That they wanted to spend time with me, felt a sense of connection or devotion even if it was just for a day. My heart ached not because of a crush but because I enjoyed the fact that someone wanted me in ways no one else did, and when it feels like you have nobody that ache means the world to you.
The second it felt like someone was upset or not paying enough attention to me I would leave. I was and still am insecure, and it made me feel understood, better (?) that they felt hurt too. Their hurt wasnt the same as mine though, it was probably confusion, heart ache, frustrated, because I didnt say anything. Because I simply gave up on them.
Being in a relationship now that I have the words to label what this is makes navigation easier, but it doesn’t make that feeling go away. I feel bad because I can see clear as day that her devotion, love, affection, is genuine in a way mine isn’t. Not that its not genuine, no, but it’s not romantic. I remember her face one time getting all flush after I kissed over her cheeks, thats fluster, mine is because I feel embarrassed.
I love her in a way thats more than friendship, more than romance, I have a strong connection with her that exceeds those things. But there are some days that I push away because I feel like words and actions alone aren’t enough to express my gratitude for her company. I know that she will accept me or take on any challenge that we come across but describing it sometimes feels demeaning. Like I’m an outsider in my own relationship.
I know there are micro labels, names for more specific feelings, but personally I’m not interested in those. It doesnt change anything. Its such a complicated thing to me, Im asexual and yet I laugh at sexual jokes, watch shows with explicit scenes, I enjoy my own company in that regard and yet I couldnt bring myself to being comfortable with having sex with someone else. No matter how close. Im aromantic but I read X reader fics, I joke about how I daydream about my favorite characters because I love them, but I run so far away from love because I dont know how to reciprocate something I dont really feel myself.
I could go on and on but honestly its just a bunch of word slop because I like to articulate how I feel into words
Distance will never make my heart grow fonder. Theres honestly nothing to it aside from that i just dont miss you.
I dont miss my ‘friends’, because its okay to ignore my messages and attempts to reach out but the moment you cant ignore me anymore irl is when you will acknowledge me? How much of a fucking nuisance can i be? The only way you will talk to me is when you cant physically get AWAY from me
Between ICE and Maga, we now have to worry about flock cameras and data centers.
The US criticized and condemned China for its surveillance of its people and yet now we are doing the same thing under “crime prevention.” Even prior to this the government and billion dollar industries have been watching you, just now you can see it.
Its not a far fetched idea or conspiracy anymore is it? Websites that sell your personal data and data centers being built everywhere. My state alone has the MOST data centers built to the point they have told schools and homes to reserve power use because they need it for their data centers. Living within close proximity to one and you’ll see just firsthand how horrible and disgusting the water is in homes, if any at all.
I think its weird how this girl keeps viewing my stories after i un added her. Both for personal reasons and also just the company that she keeps makes her someone that i dont want to have close to me. By no means is she blocked, and that my profile is public, but is that not a sign that maybe i am uninterested in you?
One of many of my gripes with her is her lack of inaction and self respect. She preaches to others how shes so pretty, she doesnt need someone to BE somebody, and yet shes always crying otp to someone about how shes still hung up on her 2 week old relationship. Thats not the issue, the issue is that she will continue to accept opportunities to be around her ex and his friends, though its so obvious hes using her for attention or maybe just to have someone fawn over him. She shames his ex gf for being upset, acting out, telling her prior that he supposedly cheated, and now shes in the same boat.
She chose a boy over her friend and had to face months of back and forth between everyone involved. Told people about how the ex had tried/did sharm during an active lock down, how ‘obsessive’ she is, personal details about her that no one else has business hearing. All because picking a predator was better?
He’s dating/interested in a middle schooler while being a senior. At the start of junior year people were talking about it, you ask anyone and they would probably tell you vaguely what they heard. He was vocal HIMSELF about how he had sex with that girl.
People never take these things serious because they believe only an adult can groom and harm children.
She knew about this. She knew and still denied being interested in him and then to date him. How shocking is it that when he left you, he ran straight to where home was? A middle schooler.
But sure, physically shove people away and accuse them of not caring about you when they dont tell you what you want to hear. Ofc.
I’ve always had a lingering fear of losing everybody that I knew and really loved throughout high school, because now that I’m a senior, I realized that I took half of the people I knew for granted. Half is probably an understatement because the people I knew sophomore year, don’t even talk to me now.
Summer break has always been a test to me, to figure out who will talk to me through break, and who won’t. I’ve seen very clearly people only reached out to me because of my money, or they just don’t reach out at all. I feel utterly ashamed that I even considered these people close friends, let alone family. The only person who actually reaches out to talk to me, or even thinks to check up on me is my girlfriend. I’ve know her for almost three ish years now, and she is a very close friend of mines who basically knows EVERYTHING about me and she means everything to me.
It’s sad to realize that I only have one person to talk to, one person that’ll listen to me, one person to even hang out with. And I feel so bad that I have to lean on her for everything, because again I do not have the people who I use to consider friends. Even if I did have them, they never truly listen to any word that I say. If I asked them when my birthday was, they wouldn’t be able to tell me, if I asked them what’s my favorite music artist they wouldn’t be able to tell me, if I asked them what’s my favorite animal they wouldn’t be able to tell me.
What makes this so much worse is that these people will have a group hang out, KNOWING that you would want to go out with them. And they’ll be cocky enough to tell you about the hang out, then say “oh you should’ve been there!” YOU NEVER TALK TO ME + NEVER INVITED ME HELLO??😭😭💔
This just proves my point when I say, “I’d rather prioritize my relationship over any friendship.” Because these people aren’t friends, if my girlfriend who isn’t even near me to hang out, finds the time in her day to call me and play games with me, I don’t see why these friends can’t find the time to chat with me or invite me over to hang out with them.
The worst part about this all is that I REACH OUT TO THEM ASKING IF THEY WANT TO HANG OUT😭💔💔💔, I can also understand not having the time/schedule to hang out. But these people lie bro, I can’t trust anybody💔💔
The way you arent even wrong bro, It’s genuinely just fending for yourself. Get eaten or DO the eating, and i genuinely cannot bring myself to treat people like shit. I feel like all of my friends lately are surface level and transactional
Sucks being ND and gay doesnt it? Its either that or “whos eating who out?” Or all the gay sex questions
I genuinely believe tiktok and IG instigate cyber bullying, ive genuinely been through petty ass argument’s over notes for NO reason aside from the fact that they cannot articulate themselves maturely
I’ve always had a lingering fear of losing everybody that I knew and really loved throughout high school, because now that I’m a senior, I realized that I took half of the people I knew for granted. Half is probably an understatement because the people I knew sophomore year, don’t even talk to me now.
Summer break has always been a test to me, to figure out who will talk to me through break, and who won’t. I’ve seen very clearly people only reached out to me because of my money, or they just don’t reach out at all. I feel utterly ashamed that I even considered these people close friends, let alone family. The only person who actually reaches out to talk to me, or even thinks to check up on me is my girlfriend. I’ve know her for almost three ish years now, and she is a very close friend of mines who basically knows EVERYTHING about me and she means everything to me.
It’s sad to realize that I only have one person to talk to, one person that’ll listen to me, one person to even hang out with. And I feel so bad that I have to lean on her for everything, because again I do not have the people who I use to consider friends. Even if I did have them, they never truly listen to any word that I say. If I asked them when my birthday was, they wouldn’t be able to tell me, if I asked them what’s my favorite music artist they wouldn’t be able to tell me, if I asked them what’s my favorite animal they wouldn’t be able to tell me.
What makes this so much worse is that these people will have a group hang out, KNOWING that you would want to go out with them. And they’ll be cocky enough to tell you about the hang out, then say “oh you should’ve been there!” YOU NEVER TALK TO ME + NEVER INVITED ME HELLO??😭😭💔
This just proves my point when I say, “I’d rather prioritize my relationship over any friendship.” Because these people aren’t friends, if my girlfriend who isn’t even near me to hang out, finds the time in her day to call me and play games with me, I don’t see why these friends can’t find the time to chat with me or invite me over to hang out with them.
The worst part about this all is that I REACH OUT TO THEM ASKING IF THEY WANT TO HANG OUT😭💔💔💔, I can also understand not having the time/schedule to hang out. But these people lie bro, I can’t trust anybody💔💔
The way you arent even wrong bro, It’s genuinely just fending for yourself. Get eaten or DO the eating, and i genuinely cannot bring myself to treat people like shit. I feel like all of my friends lately are surface level and transactional
Sucks being ND and gay doesnt it? Its either that or “whos eating who out?” Or all the gay sex questions
It baffles me how normies on tiktok will joke about wojak, incel lingo, bp edits, or looksmaxxing, when all of these things are rooted in racism, eugenics, and misogyny etc etc 😭
The same is true for the fem equivalent with femcel, lol¡ bait, age player scenes too.
