XI

I think therefore I am

[countfagula212]

More about family

This whole day I’ve been feeling off, I figured it’s because yesterday night I was writing about my relationship with my family. It’s been like this since I was little, I’ve always wanted to find a way to escape every single one of them. School was one of the main ways of doing so, and I used to be so passionate in it. As I said before, my grandmother was one of the main people that just ruined it for me and I’ve hated her ever since then. Junior year, I’d stay after school just for my crush because I wanted to be around her. I also didn’t want to go home, it was like anytime I stepped foot in that household, I’d have another sleepless night. Or have a night where I just cry myself asleep, that slowly started to build up to the point where I ended up in a very low state of my life.

I continue to ask myself this question daily, “Why can’t they love me just as much as my little sister?” I show so much love to my family and attention, but why can’t they ever show me the same energy? I don’t understand what I did wrong, or how I affected my relationship with my family. It’s especially during the holidays where I notice that they don’t appreciate me. I love Christmas so much, it’s one of my favorite holidays since gift giving has always been my love language. I try to find gifts that I know my family members would appreciate, and I try to show them the thought and effort I put into the gifts. Very clearly it’s never shown back, last Christmas I was given a sweater. That’s all, one sweater and a marry Christmas. I try not be ungrateful, I try to appreciate the things that are given to me, but when I notice my sister was given more gifts than me, a slap on the wrist for going to court and getting charged, and faces no consequences? How else am I supposed to react?

I remember begging and praying to god to change me, to figure out a way to make my grandmother love me more. I continued to beg and pray for him to have my family love me, and absolutely nothing changed. When my older cousin stood over for a few months, he told me straight to my face that nobody in the family cared about me. I feel as if that was truly my breaking point, I was only 13 at the time and didn’t know how to react. I try to act like I don’t care, I try to act like my friends are my real family. But if I don’t even have my “friends” in my life, do I really have anybody?

Sometimes I feel like I’m overreacting about the whole situation, sometimes I feel like I’m under reacting to it. I want to be more angry, I want to be more frustrated and vocal with how I feel. But anytime I do I just end up crying, and that just makes me feel weak. Whatever the case may be, I just want to finish up senior year and move out as soon as possible. If that means living in a hotel or being homeless for a little bit, so be it. As long as it gets me away from my grandmother.

[countfagula212]

Family

Last little post before I hit the hay, but I’ve always hated my family. Hate is a strong word but the way I’ve been treated, it’s very much justifiably. Let’s start with my grandmother, she was one of the main reasons on why I ended up in the mental hospital, why I always doubt my ability to succeed in education, and always makes me very ashamed of how I look or who I decide to date. At some point, my friends came over to cut my hair which I was totally fine with since hair holds memories in my opinion. She then calls me in front of my friends and starts to curse me out, I’m not one to cry in front of my friends, let alone have a full mental breakdown, but it was my breaking point with her. It was my cousins fault for snitching to my grandmother on accident, but nonetheless it was still very embarrassing.

I’ve always been the type to forgive and forget, because that’s how I was raised. But with my entire family, I cannot forgive them for what they’ve done to me. My sister has put her hands on me before, we’ve gotten into screaming matches, and she even threatened to jump my girlfriend multiple times. The differences between my cousin and my sister are that she is heavily influenced by her friends and my cousin. Not to mention, but she vapes and drinks at the age of 14.

Moving onto my dad, he isn’t even considered a father figure to me. Our relationship is very similar to me and my sisters, we’ve gotten into arguments, he openly admitted to voting for trump, and has thrown my switch at me for a stupid argument about my guitar. He wasn’t really there in my life growing up, and he still isn’t here now that I’m a teenager. I don’t have any respect for him, and if anything I consider him more of a stranger than a father. He has two kids (besides me and my sisters) and is barely in their lives, I have to carry the burden of knowing that my “sisters” will feel some type of way about me and my sister since he’s been in our lives more than the both of them.

My mother isn’t necessarily a bad person, but she was barely in the picture similar to my dad. At some point, I cut her off for about 3 years because I expressed how frustrated and angry I was that she wasn’t in my life. She suggested that I should come over during the summer, but I do not like her boyfriend nor do I want to build a relationship with my little sister. I know that she’s trying to be a good mother, and I know that she’s trying to be in the picture more often, but I cannot put myself to try and build a bond with her that was never there.

I made it abundantly clear that once I have enough money, I’m moving out and far away from all of them. I know that I will cut contact with my family, and won’t bother to build a relationship with any of my sisters. Since I was born I was somehow the problem, and that was mainly my mother’s fault since she had an issue with my great aunt. She didn’t let my dad see me at the hospital when I was born, and even let her ex boyfriend (my older sister’s dad) sign my birth certificate and give me his last name. Last names has always been a big deal with my family, that’s why I believe they view me differently. My mom pushes my to change my last name, but I opted not to because it makes me different.

It all roots back to my grandmother and dad, they don’t like seeing my last name because of the history.

[countfagula212]

Friendship

I’ve always had a lingering fear of losing everybody that I knew and really loved throughout high school, because now that I’m a senior, I realized that I took half of the people I knew for granted. Half is probably an understatement because the people I knew sophomore year, don’t even talk to me now.

Summer break has always been a test to me, to figure out who will talk to me through break, and who won’t. I’ve seen very clearly people only reached out to me because of my money, or they just don’t reach out at all. I feel utterly ashamed that I even considered these people close friends, let alone family. The only person who actually reaches out to talk to me, or even thinks to check up on me is my girlfriend. I’ve know her for almost three ish years now, and she is a very close friend of mines who basically knows EVERYTHING about me and she means everything to me.

It’s sad to realize that I only have one person to talk to, one person that’ll listen to me, one person to even hang out with. And I feel so bad that I have to lean on her for everything, because again I do not have the people who I use to consider friends. Even if I did have them, they never truly listen to any word that I say. If I asked them when my birthday was, they wouldn’t be able to tell me, if I asked them what’s my favorite music artist they wouldn’t be able to tell me, if I asked them what’s my favorite animal they wouldn’t be able to tell me.

What makes this so much worse is that these people will have a group hang out, KNOWING that you would want to go out with them. And they’ll be cocky enough to tell you about the hang out, then say “oh you should’ve been there!” YOU NEVER TALK TO ME + NEVER INVITED ME HELLO??😭😭💔

This just proves my point when I say, “I’d rather prioritize my relationship over any friendship.” Because these people aren’t friends, if my girlfriend who isn’t even near me to hang out, finds the time in her day to call me and play games with me, I don’t see why these friends can’t find the time to chat with me or invite me over to hang out with them.

The worst part about this all is that I REACH OUT TO THEM ASKING IF THEY WANT TO HANG OUT😭💔💔💔, I can also understand not having the time/schedule to hang out. But these people lie bro, I can’t trust anybody💔💔

[countfagula212]

It’s almost been half of a month, I miss my girlfriend