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The Parent Trap

Due to some unforeseen circumstances(mostly involving Netflix not delivering my copy of Glitter on time) I had to rearrange some things. Chameleon month continues with the theme of actors/actresses pretending to be twins and twins pretending to not be twins! Today, I watch The Parent Trap! I have so much to say about this movie. First, I’ll start by admitting that when I was younger, I absolutely loved this movie. That might be because Lindsay Lohan was my Spirit Animal I was young and stupid. Let’s start with the most important blatantly obvious problem with this movie: The parents are TERRIBLE parents and awful human beings. Like, okay, couples split up. It happens, especially when there is a new baby, let alone two in the equation. Anyone would be feeling the stress and probably take it out on their spouse. But seriously…seriously, how much do you have to just like, HATE your ex where you’re willing to say, “Whelp, I never want to see you again, here have my child so that I never again have to have any remote chance of contact with you. Yes, I am willing to give up one of my children because you are that terrible. Terrible.” And the other spouse has to be like, “I agree entirely. We can’t make a relationship work at all apparently, but we do agree on this one insane decision. I can’t imagine why we weren't healthy for each other!” You are bad people. Very, very bad people. Side note, can we just talk about how like insanely rich the mom has to be? “Oh, you want to go to a random summer camp...in America? Well why not!” Ugh, I want her life so badly. I also just do not understand how not one of the adults at the camp, not a single one, can look at the two girls and not go “Holy crap, these two look so much alike, I feel like this needs to be investigated further.” At best, the adults have a casual passing interest. Like you would if Dirty Dancing was on TV for the tenth time that week but you can’t find the remote and it’s just not worth it to search so you just kind of wait to see if this time someone will put baby in the corner. (Spoiler, no one does) Then Lohan2, after a series of wacky hi-jinks of course, get put in the Isolation Cabin together and all of their supposed friends are like “Well we are done with them now, obvy, they don’t share our bunk and therefore no longer exists.” Kids are weird. They bond because “British” Lohan doesn't know who Leonardo Dicaprio is because….England is Mars? Like, Titanic was still huge then, worldwide. Babies knew who he was. But whatever, maybe Rich! Mom was just crazy sheltering. They also like Oreo s and peanut butter because apparently terrible taste in food is genetic. (…Confession time, since writing this, I actually tried peanut butter Oreos out of curiosity, and they are weirdly delicious) This causes them to find out that they are long lost siblings! For some reason they are happy about this and eager to meet the parent who decided “Oh god, I definitely don’t want that one. Ew.” And thus they hatch a brilliant scheme to switch places. Now, granted, this one I am just guessing on because I don’t have kids of my own, but every parent I know, every single one, says that they know their child inside and out. They know every mannerism, every scar, and every freckle. I feel like, any half decent parent would notice that there was at least something off about their child. But thankfully for the Lohans, their parents are terrible and don’t notice anything other than late night phone calls and over use of the word dad. Of course, the Help, you know, the ones who apparently raised the children while the biological parents were too busy being AWFUL do notice. Wacky hi-jinks ensue. When British Lohan who is pretending to be American Lohan (or Annie if you prefer I guess) finds out that her dad is engaged to a woman who is only interested in the dad’s money, they decide to finally reunite the parents at last. Annie, Butler, and Mum (who now knows about the switch but not about Meredith, because yeah, that’s the big thing to be concerned with) fly to San Francisco…because again, three last minute plane tickets to California and London can’t be that expensive, am I right? Side note, yeah, it’s about 2000 dollars per person. Granted, it was the 90s so it was probably a tad cheaper but still…seriously…she had to have spent at least 5 grand. But really, I just…so sincerely like the idea of them making the Butler pay for his own ticket…but telling him he has to come anyway…Of course, for all I know they don’t actually pay him. This is the part of the movie that honestly gets really boring and cliched so I’ll just run through it quickly. “OMG! Twins!”“OMG! Ex-Wife” “OMG! Family Camping trip!”“OMG, Mom’s not going because she has PLANS!”“OMG! Crazy pranks!” “OMG, I WILL SHIP YOU BRATS OFF TO BOARDING SCHOOL BECAUSE YOU TWO ARE REALLY TERRIBLE PEOPLE.”“OMG, HOW DARE YOU SAY MY DAUGHTERS, ONE OF WHOM I GAVE AWAY AS ANINFANT, ARE TERRIBLE PEOPLE! I OBVIOUSLY LOVE THEM BOTH JUST SO MUCH. I AM DUMPING YOUR ASS.”“OMG, THANK GOD!” Then, they get back to The Vineyard and Mum is like, “Lol.” Dad pretty much goes, “Aw, you planned this didn't you? You planned to break up my engagement so that you can get together with me, despite not seeing me for twelve years (because of course, nobody changes in that amount of time at all.). That’s so sweet.” Cue sappy music and endless love. UGH. Yeah, sure, the parents are back together for now but keep in mind, this was the couple that loathed each other enough to give up an offspring. That’s not just going to be fixed now that they are both insanely rich, especially since one of them is going to have to give up a career (ten guesses which one!). That’s going to lead to bitter resentment and cause a lot of fighting. And we know how these two people fight. The girls are going to be extremely fucked up and neglected, with more money than they know what to do with. They’ll probably do a lot of drugs and drink a lot of alcohol, get addicted to plastic surgery and wind up with their mug shots all over the internet while they try and try again to make a come ba…hey…wait a minute… Footnotes!: So I just learned through extensive research…and by research I mean googling the Parent Trap and having the Wikipedia page come up, that in a deleted scene Mum admits that they broke up because she tried living in California and he tried living in London. In another deleted scene, at the end of the movie, American Lohan tells them that they will love living in California, and British Lohan says, “No, we are going to live in England…” I can only assume that wacky jinks followed. Come back later this week as I watch Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen in their own version of parent trap but this time with the unnecessary and bizarre plot of them being identical strangers instead of twins because...why not?

#the parent trap

Kazaam!

I had to spend 3.99 cents to watch this movie. Do you know what else I could have bought for four dollars? I could have bought two lines of a Powerball ticket and I could have won the 1.5 billion dollar jackpot. Yes, I would have had to split it with three other people but still, I could have won. But no. I did not get to buy two extra lines of the Powerball. Instead of becoming a multi-millionaire, I got to see this piece of garbage. I got to spend an hour and a half staring at my computer screen in abject horror, wondering what I had done that was so terrible as a child that my parents punished me by making me watch Kazaam.

For those of you who haven’t seen Kazaam, go and tell your parents you love them and you are grateful you were protected from this disaster when you were such an innocent child. Promise you’ll call them more often and visit more regularly. Cherish every moment you have with them. Promise your own children that they will never have to see this film.

What I’m trying to say you guys is that Kazaam is really, really bad. While it is borderline so-bad-it’s-good, there are moments that quickly cross that line into just being terrible.

The basic plot of the movie is that Shaq is a genie whose lamp breaks while a building is being torn down and he falls into a boom box. This, of course, makes Shaq want to be a rapper because…why not? One day, a delightful young boy named Max stumbles upon the boom box and they have wacky adventures as they learn and grow together. Just kidding about that last sentence; that would have been a decent plot!

Instead, Max is an absolutely horrible person who, at the end of this children’s movie, dies violently and I find myself at best indifferent towards his death and at worst thinking ‘good.’ I want to stress that point one more time. This movie, kills off its child star and that child is so terrible that I don’t care. About the death of a child!!(Spoiler, he is resurrected from the dead…because, again, why not!) I cry when children have their feelings hurt in movies. I love kids, and I fucking hate this child.

The movie opens with 12 year old Max ditching class and using a key to scratch all of the lockers in the school for no reason whatsoever. Throughout the film, Max is repeatedly rude to his mom and future step dad for absolutely no reason. We learn that Max’s father left when he was two years old and his mom has been raising him alone ever since. Rather than being very grateful for everything his mom has done for him, he’s constantly rude to her and refuses to do any chores. Her boyfriend, Travis, has nothing but patience for Max. Max rewards him by treating him like garbage and telling him he will never take the place of his dad. His dad who left his mother and him alone ten years ago who he most likely has no memory of. Max is the worst. It should also be noted that later in the movie, Travis pulls Max from a burning building to which Max thanks Travis with the tone of one thanking someone for borrowing a pencil. Ugh, Max, am I right?

There is a very interesting group of bullies that seem to have no other objective in life than to harass Max. From what we know of Max’s personality, this is perfectly understandable and even encouraged behavior. For the first several minutes, I thought that the group of bullies had a pretty cool butch lesbian in their group and I was applauding them for their diversity and acceptance but then I realized it was just a young boy with a lesbian haircut. After this discovery, the bullies became less interesting to me.

These bullies are really something though. After trying to shove a key into Max (ten guesses where…yay, Children’s movie!), they chase him into an abandon building and up to the top floor. Then, they watch as Max steps backward, cornered and falls through FIVE STORIES. Rather than being absolutely traumatized that they presumably witnessed and caused the death of a classmate, they shout excitedly “let’s get him!” and run to the basement. Max happens to land on a pile of garbage which is, apparently, thick enough to cushion the fifty foot fall. While trying to hide under the garbage, Max kicks the boom box and finally release Kazaam, played by Shaq. Now, Shaq is no small man. The bullies witness Kazaam come out of nowhere and begin angrily rapping at him. They appear only moderately shocked before they run off.

Once Max reappears out of the abandoned warehouse, rather than ask him about the mysterious man who appeared and also maybe how he’s still alive and unharmed about falling the length of a building, they immediately begin to terrorize Max again. Such is their hatred of Max. And once again, I think they are entirely justified in their hatred, even if they are perhaps slightly sociopathic in their actions.

Meanwhile, while the bullies run away, Shaq tells Max that he’s a genie and Max has three wishes. Max does not believe Shaq, particularly after he wishes for a Jaguar and Shaq is unable to make it appear. The film then spends an inordinate amount of film time before Max believes Kazaam. After wishing for a room full of junk food, Max, the young white boy, tells Kazaam, the grown adult black man, that he owns him and that he’s basically his slave. Now, I don’t know who in the writer’s room thought these were a good choice of words, but someone did. And someone should feel very bad about themselves.

In addition to the plotline of the bullies, the plotline of Max’s mom remarrying, and the plotline of Kazaam, there is also another plotline of Max finding his father who is even more of an asshole than Max is. I believe this movie is theorizing that dickery is genetic. Nick, Max’s father, seems to have forgotten he had a son at all and takes a moment to remember who Max is after meeting him. Then, rather than apologizing for the years of abandonment, he takes him around and introduces him to everyone in his crime circuit. Yes, that’s right. Instead of just being a sleazy club promotor, he’s also a higher up in an organized crime ring conducting…simple piracy…I think?

I spent a good portion of the movie wondering what exactly the bad guys were up to. It seems to me that they would record live shows with a tape recorder, and then transfer that recording onto a blank CD and sell that CD for a profit. Essentially, creating bootlegs. I get that but that’s pretty petty piracy in the scheme of things. They say that the tape(Max and the bullies steal it together because of REASONS) is worth 1,000,000 dollars because it was going to be copied onto 50,000 blank CDs which means that each CD will be sold for roughly 20 bucks. But is there –really- a mark for that? First of all, the recording quality is most likely pretty subpar since it’s not a direct recording anyway. Second of all, the point of a bootleg is that they are pretty rare and hard to get. If there 50,000 recordings of a single concert floating around, that’s going to diminish the value. It just doesn’t seem like a profitable enough business to justify the actions of all the ‘bad guys’ in this movie. Second of all, they seem to be very comfortable with murdering children for simple music pirates. Those are pretty different crimes on the moral scale, aren’t they?

There’s also ANOTHER subplot about Kazaam becoming a rapper AND a plot about him falling in love with a performer at the club and I just cannot bring myself to care. I really can’t.

I can’t bring myself to care when Max and the bullies steal the tape. I can’t bring myself to care when Nick pretty much threatens his own son to get the tape back. I can’t bring myself to care that the bad guys push the twelve year old child down an elevator shaft and HE DIES. I can’t bring myself to care that Kazaam somehow brings him back to life because he ‘wished’ hard enough. I can bring myself to care a little bit when Kazaam folds the bad guy into a basketball, dribbles him, and then puts him in the garbage shoot because A. This is the second movie I watched this week where that happens. B. Unlike Space Jam, this movie exists in a non cartoon world which means the bad guy most certainly died and felt an incredible amount of pain.

My overall problem with so many genie movies (Are there a lot of genie movies?) is that they seldom follow the traditional genie tale of all of our wishes having consequences. In genie lore, there are a certain type of genie where you have to be very, very careful what you wish for because every wish could be turned against you. Now that’s a movie I would love to see. Where you wish for a million dollars, but don’t specify how you get it so you lose a loved one who named you in their life insurance policy. You wish for eternal life but don’t specify that you don’t want to age either so instead, you live forever as your body slowly rots away around you. It would have a great two fold moral: take care with your words because they have power and sometimes, it’s better to earn than to wish. The entire movie can be focusing on the main character trying desperately to word his or her wishes correctly so they don’t come back to cause harm. Maybe they wish the first wish casually and something catastrophic happens and so their second wish is worded as best as they can but they forgot one little loophole and harm is still done. They then spend the rest of their lives consumed with the perfectly worded wish. The film could explore the conundrum between the importance of being careful with your words and actions versus the importance of not wasting your life obsessing over every detail. The final wish could be a number of interesting things such as “I wish you had no power…” or “I wish I never met you…” Both could have fascinating consequences that could make for captivating film.

But no, I did not get that movie. No, I got motherfucking Kazaam.

And that ends our week of Athletes turned Actors. Clearly, Space Jam is the winner.

Next week, singers turned actress. Stop by next time as I watch Britney Spears in Crossroads

#kazaam #shaq #shaquille o'neal

Space Jam

Welcome back! To those of you who hung around over the brief hiatus, I thank you, and to those of you just joining for a first time welcome! This is the blog where I take beloved classics from our childhoods (and beyond) and overanalyze and overthink them to the point where they are nearly unrecognizable. This month is Chameleon Month and its Athletes turned Actors week. First up, it’s Space Jam!

What can I say about Space Jam? I hope that one day a small child comes up to me and asks me to tell them what the 90’s were like. I imagine the last decade of the previous century is going to be very mysterious to this next generation. I’m going to stare at them for a solid five minutes as I try to assess if they are ready for this information. After they are starting to feel exceptionally uncomfortable, I shall hand them a copy of Space Jam and nod solemnly before disappearing into a cloud of mist. Obviously, the copy will be on VHS so they’ll have no way to watch it, but I think they’ll get the general idea.

There are so many things to unwrap about this movie… I can’t help but feel like a bunch of writers got really high or drunk while watching TV and were fighting over what to watch, a Chicago Bulls game or cartoons and then one of them had the idea that there should be a movie about Michael Jordon meeting Bugs Bunny and also fighting aliens. And everyone agreed that that idea was absolutely brilliant. And they were one hundred percent correct.

To start, I have a lot of questions about Moron Mountain. If the aliens did somehow manage to get the Looney Tunes back to Moron Mountain, wouldn’t the size of the Tunes be so overwhelming that they wouldn’t all fit? I mean, with the exception of the boss, everyone on Moron Mountain is pretty tiny and only seem to come up to Bugs Bunny’s feet. If all of the Looney Tunes came to the planet, they couldn’t possibly all fit! Also, is everyone on that planet who doesn’t come to visit essentially a carnie? Like, do you get assigned a job at birth and that’s what you have to do for the rest of your life. One guy operates the roller coaster, one guy is the popcorn guy. Do they have any free agency? What form of government do they have? Is the Big Boss guy just a supreme leader of them all since he’s bigger?

I also have trouble understanding why they went for such an unnecessarily complicated plan. Once the Looney Tunes challenge the Morons to a basketball game, they go and steal the talent of famous basketball players. But if you can steal talent, why not steal the Looney Tunes abilities to be wacky and zany and use that to lure in customers. Or, better yet, steal the talent of the Looney Tunes and then force them to come and work for you to get it back. You were going to enslave them anyway, at least this way you make a power play while doing so! Of course, can you enslave the potentially already enslaved?

Hear me out! So, while in 3-D world, Daffy and Bugs have a casual chat about all the marketing they see with their faces on it. Daffy asks if Bugs has ever seen a dime for any of it and Bugs replies that he hasn’t. Also, in the movie, Daffy openly admits to being the property of Warner Brothers. I believe that the Looney Tunes are currently already enslaved Warner Brothers. They are forced to relive their wacky adventures every day for years for the entertainment of a powerful organization. We see that they do indeed feel pain, they just don’t suffer the permanent consequences of said pain or injury. It’s essentially cartoon gladiators. Every day the Looney Tunes are in their own private Hell but don’t realize it because that’s how powerful their organization is. Further proof of this is the fact that when the Morons travel to the Looney Tunes they have to dig deep in the Earth to get there. What land is often said to exists right below our feet? That’s right, Hell.

And okay, let’s say you don’t buy the fact that Warner Brothers is holding the Looney Tunes captive but this movie absolutely posits that another popular organization is doing just that to another group of beloved classic characters. The goal of the Morons/Mon-Stars is to bring back the Looney Tunes to their home planet, an amusement park, where the delightfully zany characters would be forced to perform for the amusement of the audience. That sounds vaguely familiar right? I’m of course talking about Disney Land/Disney World. What if the very plot of Space Jam happened but with Disney characters instead of Warner Brothers characters? What if they didn’t have a delightfully charming basketball star to help that out? Now, Mickey and his growing list of friends and family all stay at the Disney Parks performing for our amusement. They churn out movie after movie, tv special after tv special, each day, missing their home but knowing they can never go back. Every dollar you give Disney is helping to keep these Poor Unfortunate Souls ensnared in the massive trap that is Disney. I’m just saying guys, that’s a prequel I would watch the crap out of.

In addition to being a veiled message asking us to help free Mickey Mouse, I think Space Jam is also trying to show us the dangers of toxic masculinity. Think about it; when the aliens were small, they had pretty high pitched voices, not just proportionate to their size but also quite feminine as well. Additionally, they are also never hyper violent. Then, they get their hands on the “talent” of the leading basketball players and suddenly their voices are lower and they are more aggressive. Meanwhile, the basketball players are undergoing therapy as they try to cope with feeling less like themselves and less manly as a result. At one point, in this children’s movie, a therapist asked a player if he has trouble “performing in other areas.” We are meant to infer that he’s referring to his sexual life. By losing his talent, they have lost their masculinity. Another player gets beat by a group of young girls after losing his talent. Their very identities were so wrapped up in their “talent” that they no longer know who they are anymore or where they fit into the world. While they do get their talent back in the end, I can’t help but feel like they will always not be hyperaware of the fragility that is American Masculinity.

For a movie that is less than an hour and a half long, I can’t help but be left with dozens of questions. For instance, was any of the above on purpose (I’m gonna go with ‘probably not’ on that one…)? But also, who first decided that ducks should have speech impediments? Is it okay to take steroids in a kids movie if it turns out it’s not actually steroids? The characters firmly believed they were taking a special ‘concoction’ of stuff to feel better and that was shown as a positive thing! Yes, it turned out to be water but isn’t it still cheating if you think you’re cheating but aren’t actually? Why are Bill Murray and Larry Bird so remarkably calm after Michael disappears into a very tiny hole? When Michael doesn’t come home, how come his wife isn’t worried or upset? Bugs and Daffy ask the children to lie to their mom about where Michael is (!!), but as far as we know, she doesn’t get an answer! For all she knows, he’s out cheating on her, or maybe in an accident. She should be beside herself with worry. But no, instead we see her casually at Michael’s baseball game, acting life nothing happened. That sort of implies that Michael Jordon doesn’t come home a lot… Also, is it okay to kidnap people if you’re the good guys? Technically, the Tunes kidnapped Michael, but would they have let him go if he decided he didn’t want a part of it? Is that the difference? If the Mon-Stars had won and had taken Michael back to space with them, would he have died instantly or is cartoon space different? How do the rules of cartoon physics apply to 3-D people? They clearly affect the people (hence Michael getting folded into a basketball) but are our pain receptors the same? Do we feel it as we would in the 3-D world or is it a weird pain-not pain that cartoon characters seem to be affected by? You guys, I just have so many questions that Space Jam has left unanswered for me!!

I really can’t help but wonder if this movie could be made today. I’m not talking about a reboot, remake or sequel, but if this movie next existed, could it have been made today in 2016? I won’t pretend to be an expert on sports but from what I can gather, college basketball is now far more popular than the NBA and in fact, the NBA seems to be disliked by many fans of basketball. I’m sure there is a long history and explanation for that and would be delighted to hear everyone’s opinions on if that is so.

I also don’t think the Looney Tunes are as popular today as they were in the 90’s. With the invention of Netflix and other instant streaming sites, more and more kids are watching all of their TV online and Looney Tunes doesn’t seem to have a spot in that instant streaming world. While I’m sure kids still know who the Looney Tunes are, I can’t imagine they are as familiar with them as children of the 90’s (and older of course) were. Space Jam is absolutely a product of its time. It’s a time capsule of pop culture in the last decade of the twentieth century.

On that note, I’ll leave you for today but check back later this week as I watch another 90’s basketball player try his hand at acting. It’s Kazaam starting the great Shaq! See you then!

#space jam #michael jordan #looney tunes #90s kid #movies #reviews

Happy New Year!

Hello, followers! Thanks for sticking with me for my first month of movies! I’ve decided to take up this blog year round and will return on the 10th! I’ll be posting two entries a week instead of seven and they’ll typically go up on Sundays and Wednesdays. Each month is going to have a theme, with smaller subsets of themes each week. At the end of the month, I’ll write an entry about what I learned.

January is Chameleon month. That means people in professions other than acting trying their hand at the silver screen.

Week One- Athletes turned actors: Space Jam and Kazaam.

Week two- She’s not a model, she’s a model/actress!: Life-Size and Model Behavior

Week three- Singers try to act!- Crossroads and Glitter

I’ll see you guys on the 10th!

The 25 Things I learned this Christmas

I started this blog because it’s easier for Christmas to stop feeling like Christmas as you get older. This is particularly true when you live two thousand miles away from your family. I wanted to see if I was able to capture the Christmas spirit of the past by reconnecting with my childhood memories. For my family, one of our favorite past times is movies. Watching movies together, be it at home, or in the theatre, has always been sacred. We love to watch and then discuss what we’ve seen. We love movies that make us laugh and movies that make us cry. We love to see our pains, our triumphs, our weaknesses and flaws, our strengths and courage, reflected back to us on the silver screen. By watching 25 Christmas movies in 25 days I was hoping to reach into the past and be comforted by the memories. While it obviously is not replacement for my family, it was a fun experience that brought me holiday cheer.

Here are the 25 lessons I learned this Christmas:

It’s okay to let yourself believe in magic

Don’t be afraid to write what you know

Be charitable and good in all your actions

Give love a chance, even if you’ve been hurt

Love can be magical

Never let anyone tell you that you aren’t capable of doing something important

Learning the origins of something doesn’t automatically take away its wonder

Remember those who are making sacrifices for you, even if you can’t see them

There’s something magical about Christmas snow

Even the tiniest tree can be beautiful

Christmas doesn’t come in a box

Open your heart to possibilities

A toy can’t replace a parent’s love

Don’t let past traumas blind you to the beauty of the world

People can come together and surprise you with their goodness

Work for your dreams

You don’t need bells and whistles to have a beautiful family Christmas

Don’t wait for inspiration to come, it’s all around you

Repeat the sounding joy

Seeing isn’t believing, believing is seeing

Don’t make wishes you can’t take back

Friendship can be found in the most unlikely of places

Don’t let your heart be hardened

No man is a failure who has friends

Hold on to your childhood memories

A Christmas Story

Today’s entry is much shorter than normal as I am spending Christmas with loved ones. Thank you all for spending December with me as I revisited holiday classics. I’ll never be able to express how deeply I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to read my sometimes random and ridiculous thoughts on each of these movies. Thank you and Merry Christmas!

Due in large part to TBS’ 24 hour marathon, A Christmas Story has become a staple for many. I remember my family discovering this movie in the late 90’s and falling in love instantly. I watched my dad’s eyes light up as he was taken back decades into his childhood. I watched my mom laugh uproariously at Ralphie’s shocked and dismayed face as Santa tells him that he’ll shoot his eye out. What makes A Christmas Story so fantastic isn’t that it captures childhood Christmas’, but rather it captures the memory of the Christmases. Our minds have a tendency to rewrite the past to make things seem better than they were, Christmases more fun and adventurous. Everything is just ever so slightly over the top, like a dream. It’s never enough to notice or make you question the validity of it, but just enough to make you long for the nostalgia of a past that never quite was. This movie has so many relatable childhood memories in.

Whenever I watch A Christmas Story I can’t help but remember my own childhood Christmas memories. I remember the traditional rule we had that we kids were not allowed to see the tree on Christmas morning until the parents were up and went downstairs to make sure Santa came. I remember how every single year, without fail, we would break that rule; my sisters and I trying our hardest to be quiet as we snuck downstairs to see the tree and we would marvel at all the wrapped treasures Santa brought us. I remember the Christmas’ where there was that one toy, that one magical toy, that made Christmas. I remember fancy dinners and feeling so loved and connected.

I think A Christmas Story is so successful because for most people in conjures up those memories. If you grew up in a house that celebrated Christmas, it’s impossible to not relate to. We, at one point, have all been Ralphie.

Thank you and Merry Christmas!

#a christmas story #25 days of christmas #christmas #movies #reviews

It’s A Wonderful Life- 1946

It’s A Wonderful Life is Christmas to me. My family would watch this movie together every Christmas Eve. As a result, the movie evolved for me over the years. When I was a child, I would get bored but looked forward to the tradition every year. As a teenager, I had heard others make fun of this movie or say it was overrated and I allowed that to cloud my judgement. I would make fun of the way that George Bailey said, “stupid silly…” as an insult to the teacher. In my late teens and early twenties, I thought that I didn’t really have time to sit down and watch a two hour black and white movie. It was around my mid-twenties that I fully understood this movie. I’ll get to that later.

What has made It’s A Wonderful Life such an endearing movie? When it first came out, it was actually a flop. It wasn’t until NBC took the risk and ran it on TV that it became the well-known tradition it is now. I understand the movie being a flop in 1946. The message and delivery was far ahead of its time. It’s humor was also very risqué. The scene where Bert and Ernie (side note, when I was little I apparently didn’t understand chronology and thought they were named after the Muppets and not the other way around) are watching Violet walk down the street, Ernie looks her up and down and then hurries off to “see what the wife is doing….” That sounds like a joke more comfortably found in a movie today than in a movie made in the 40’s. When Mary and George are sitting on the couch and her mother won’t leave them alone, she shouts that George is making violent love to her.

There’s also the fact that Potter is never caught or punished for his crimes. Humans tend to like justice and wrongs being righted in our movies. While George does get the money (and more) at the end, we never find out that it was Potter who took it to begin with. Personally, I love that ending. Sadly, there are many times in life where people do horrible things and get away with it, but you can’t focus on that. If you spend your life, looking for every injustice to be righted you are going to be very disappointed in the world. While it would have been satisfying to see Potter get arrested and lose all of his money, that’s not the point. Potter isn’t truly rich because no one cares for him. George Bailey is the richest man in town, not because of the pile of cash before him, but because he is surrounded by people who love him. We don’t need to see Potter being punished because he’s already suffering the worst fate there is.

I’ve also heard people complain recently by Mary being portrayed as an old maid in the alternate universe. People complain that it’s being shown as the worst fate ever which is ridiculous. I think those people miss the point. It isn’t heart breaking for George that Mary works at a library, wears glasses, and never married. It’s heartbreaking because ever since Mary was a little girl and would make wishes at Mr. Gower’s store, she wanted a family. She would wish for it and she would stare at the old abandoned house and dream of living there. Mary then fixed the house up so that it was livable. She poured her heart and soul into the life she and George built together. His heart was broken because her heart and soul were missing. And I don’t think the movie is saying that all women want that life. The movie never once shames the character of Violet for not having a family. She isn’t shamed for dating around. We are meant to sympathize with her and she’s night and day from Mary. The movie is actually quite feminist in that regard.

As I grew older, my view on Uncle Billy also began to change. When I was little, I merely thought of him as the goofy and forgetful uncle. He was there to do something to make us laugh and forget everything. Now, I wonder what the world would have been like if Billy were never born. After all, Billy is the one who accidentally gave the money to Potter. He forgot to go to George’s wedding. He must have made running the building and loan a headache for both George and George’s father. So often in life, we all feel like screw ups. We all feel like Uncle Billy. It would be wonderful to see how he impacted the world. Did his screw ups outweigh his triumphs?

I also can’t help but wonder what Uncle Billy was like before he lost Laura. It’s a simple seemingly throwaway line but it completely changes Billy’s character. When George is frantically interrogating him about where the money may be, Uncle Billy replies that he checked the entire house, even rooms that he had sealed off since Laura died. Imagine a love so powerful that you can’t enter a room without being crushed by the memories of your loss. And then imagine another love so powerful that you allow yourself to be crushed by that pain to help someone you love. Billy made sacrifices too. I wonder, though, before his loss if he was so forgetful. I wonder if he drank as much. We never see Laura on screen and I get the impression that she passed long before George’s father. Billy loved Laura so deeply he didn’t know how to keep on truly living after she was gone. Instead, he kept forgetting more and more and kept drinking more and more which made him keep forgetting more and more. I’ve heard rumors that they be making a sequel to It’s A Wonderful Life. I find that idea appalling but I would support a movie that explores Uncle Billy’s place in the world.

I now want to share why this movie means so much to me…

When I was little, I would watch Beauty and the Beast and nod along vigorously when Belle lamented that there must be more than this provincial life. I didn’t know what provincial meant but I knew that I related to her sentiments. When Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz sang about going over the rainbow I would stare intently at the screen, wishing I could go over the rainbow. Despite being a child, I wanted more. I wanted adventure. I knew I wanted to see the world. I wanted to change the world. I didn’t know how but I knew I wanted to leave my mark. Perhaps I would give a brilliant performance in a movie that people would be talking about for years to come. Maybe I was going to write the next great novel. I may even discover something. I didn’t care so long as I could explore and grow and make an impact.

As the years went by, those dreams became further and further out of my grasp. I had stayed close to loved ones because the needed me. I needed them as well but that was sometimes harder to see. I learned a wonderful lesson. Love is sacrifice. Love is sacrificing your time to help a friend in need. Love is helping a family member who is ill. Love is listening to late night phone calls even when you are tired and work the next day. Sadly, I also learned a not so wonderful lesson. Sometimes, when we have made sacrifices, life can trick us into forgetting why we made the sacrifice in the first place and instead focus solely on what we gave up. Bitterness and resentment takes over. I became upset that I never achieved my dreams and that my window of opportunity is slowly closing. I was frustrated with my life. I didn’t like my job, had no romantic relationship, and had more debt than I could ever hope to shake off. My mind focused too heavily on how all of that happened, on what I had given up, that I forgot the reasons I did it.

Every sacrifice I made was made out of pure and devoted love to my loved ones. I never gave forcefully, it was always willingly. They were in need and I was there. How could I ever forget that? How could I ever not be so grateful for such an opportunity to show my loved ones that I care? Not everyone gets the chance to be surrounded by so many people who I loved, who loved me in turn.

It’s A Wonderful Life reminds me that you don’t have to change the world because by merely existing, you are changing the world of everyone you associate with. I know it’s so hard to escape the negative feelings of the world, to not give in to frustration and resentment. But remind yourself, you have made a difference. You matter because you matter to others. As the great Clarence said so long ago, No man is a failure who has friends.

I feel the need to at least attempt to put some humor and pedantic thoughts into this review so I’ll merely ask, why did Mr. Gower have a big bottle of poison behind the counter anyway? Seems pretty dangerous to me! I understand he only put the poison in the capsules because he was distracted and grieving but that doesn’t explain why he had the giant bottle to begin with. It’s literally labeled POISON. Why on Earth would a pharmacist keep that behind the counter?! The world may never know.

Come back tomorrow for my final Christmas entry: A Christmas Story. I also discuss the 25 lessons I learned while doing this challenge.

#It's A Wonderful Life #25 days of Christmas #Christmas #Movies #Reviews #Signal boost

A Muppet Christmas Carol

Today’s review is going to be a little bit different guys. This is absolutely the most difficult review for me to write as I love this movie and I have already talked about the basic story of A Christmas Carol in a previous review. I love everything about this movie. I love the humor and I love the fact that they don’t dumb the story down for children. They even use actual dialogue from the original story quite a bit. They don’t change the scarier parts of the story but they do make sure that it never gets too over the top terrifying…like other animated versions of A Christmas Carol that I’ve reviewed recently. (I’m sorry, I will never get over the horror of that) Michael Caine, who can do no wrong, is the perfect choice for Scrooge. The songs are catchy and heartfelt and the casting of the Muppets is spot on. The Ghost of Christmas Past in this interpretation is one of my favorites. The idea of making the past a child makes so much sense to me. When we think back on Christmas’ past, so many of them take place in childhood because that’s when Christmas meant the most. I honestly don’t have anything to say about the actual Muppet Christmas Carol to make this review funny or pedantic. I feel like I have failed my mission, guys.

In fact, I love this movie so much, I think we need a Muppet movie for every single month of the year! I propose the follow films:

January- The Muppet’s Animal Farm

What better way to start the year.

Children really are never too young to learn about the dangers of communism

Miss Piggy would love being the lead in a movie all about how great it is to be a pig

It’s never a bad idea to expose children to great literature

You could even have Animal as a main character and who doesn’t love Animal

February- A Muppet Valentine’s Day Spectacular

Let’s face it, the original Muppets movie was practically a rom-com anyway so it wouldn’t really stretch the imagination to have an entire Valentine’s Day movie

They could also do a series of shorts on the history of Valentine’s Day.

March- The Muppet’s Saint Patrick’s Day Adventure

The Muppet travel to Ireland to play a show

There they have various adventures throughout Dublin

April- The Muppet’s Game of Thrones!

I don’t even need to explain why this is a fantastic idea

May- Muppet Moulin Rouge

In A Very Merry Muppet Movie we saw a brief five minute parody of Moulin Rouge and it was the greatest thing I have ever seen.

June- Muppet Treasure Island (existing Muppet movie)

And it’s the greatest ever

July- The Muppet’s The Patriot

I don’t mean the Muppets tell the story of the Revolution(though that would be cool)

I mean, the Muppets reboot Mel Gibson’s The Patriot. Scene. For. Scene.

August- A Muppet Beach Vacation Extravaganza

This could be a campy 50’s style beach movie

September- The Muppet’s Do Something in September!

????

October- Muppet Sleepy Hollow

This would be absolutely fantastic

I want this to be a thing right now.

November- A Muppet Thanksgiving

Imagine how great the Muppets would look in Puritan clothing

Who doesn’t like movies about friendship?

Here, the word, Friendship means ‘the pilgrims were saved by the indigenous people and then we repaid them in the most horrifically genocidal way we could think of

December- The Muppet Christmas Carol/A Very Merry Muppet Movie

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I have to ask one thing about A Christmas Carol. Does Scrooge dying(in the future that we see) means Bob Cratchit loses his job? Think about it, I very much doubt that Scrooge has it in his will to leave Bob the business and he has no partner. It's very likely that the building would just close and Bob would be out of a job. Can you imagine? You just lose your child and then suddenly you lose your income! How horrible!

Could Fred takeover the business? Would he want to? If he didn't want to, would he have the authority to give Bob the business? If I were Scrooge, as sad as I would be that no one seemed to care about me dying on an emotional level, I'd be a lot more motivated by that intense amount of guilt.

Another quick remark about A Christmas Carol is that it’s very good it didn’t happen to me. Neurotic people tend to be constantly second guessing everything which sometimes makes us overly suspicious of others. If the spirits told me that they were going to visit me in three nights and then managed to do it in one, I’d wonder what else those bastards lied about! How do I know anything they showed me was real? I mean, I’m not at all a Scrooge and love the Christmas spirit but even so.

Maybe this explains why in every TV show special that parody/homage A Christmas Carol the character never really changes. It’s usually the shows antagonist/bully and they learn that that they probably shouldn’t be jerks and there is a big heartfelt moment where they promise to change. Then, when the show returns in January, suddenly the character is the jerk again. It kind of cheapens the whole message of the story.

I’m sorry this review wasn’t more about the actual Muppet Christmas Carol and lacked in substance. I promise tomorrow’s will be much better. I watch It’s a Wonderful Life and cry my face off.

#a muppet christmas carol #25 days of christmas #christmas #signal boost #movies #reviews

Home Alone II

Ah, Home Alone II. The last of the good Home Alone movies before they realized they could churn out sequel after sequel and not have to be concerned with little things like ‘quality’ or ‘why isn’t anyone calling social services?’ and ‘why are all these robbers so concerned with attacking a child?’ Home Alone II, or as I like to call it, Home Aloner, has Kevin, yet again, wishing to be away from his family and his family, yet again, being some of the worst people on the planet. Kevin also, yet again, displays a disturbing level of evil. Despite the movies many similarities to the first movie (it’s almost formulaic), Home Alone II does still somehow manage to be a fun and unique movie. Without further ado…

I think we all need to take a moment to appreciate what terrible travelers the McAllisters are. In the first movie, I could give them a little bit of slack. The power went out which would have knocked out every alarm clock so sleeping in is understandable. In the second movie, Peter accidentally unplugs the alarm clock before they go to the recital and doesn’t realize it reset the clock. Okay, but why wouldn’t they check the alarm clock before they went to bed? Particularly when they had an ‘alarm not going off’ issue the year before this…I also don’t understand why no one else sets an alarm. Are you really all just waiting on Peter and Kate to wake you up? Frank and Leslie are grown adults. They should be able to get themselves up on time. It’s additionally hard for me to believe that no one in the house was up at all before eight in the morning, just on their own. I get the teenagers sleeping in, but wouldn’t some of the younger kids (such as Fuller and Kevin) be up? Wouldn’t at least one of the adults, who is used to waking up early most days be up?

Speaking of traveling, I am noticing a theme with a great portion of these Christmas movies…traveling before 9/11! Peter makes it all the way through the entire airport without his wallet/ID. Now, you couldn’t get passed the ticket counter. I didn’t really do much plane traveling before 9/11 and all the traveling I did was underage travel so did they even have security at all?

I also need to address one seldom talked about mystery that Home Alone II provides us. In the first movie, Kate states that there are fifteen people in that house. In Home Alone II, it’s stated that there are fourteen of them traveling. There are seven McAllisters in our main family: Peter, Kate, Buzz, Linnie, Megan, Jeff, and Kevin. Uncle Frank and Leslie have three children; Fuller, Brooke, and Tracy. Rod and Heather are apparently Uncle Rob’s kids. We see Rod on the family trip to Florida (I’m starting to get the impression that Uncle Rob and Aunt Georgette aren’t really big on the whole ‘parenting’ thing…) but Heather is nowhere to be found. Where did she go? Did she move to Paris to be with her family? Did she go to college? Did the family manage to lose someone else and in their terrible neglect, not even notice this time? Or, is she a victim of Kevin’s slow revenge? Slowly picking off his family members until there is no one left but his parents. I know what I believe…

Speaking of the terrible neglect and general awfulness of the McAllister family, I get irrationally angry about the behavior of this family in this movie. One, Buzz’s behavior at the recital was absolutely terrible and I have no idea why an entire audience laughed at his antics. Kevin, who could have killed Buzz with his evil superpowers, instead, decides to lightly shove Buzz. It isn’t his fault that Buzz, who is a sturdy and tall, manages to be toppled by a ten year old (granted a supernatural ten year old) and then takes everyone down with him. I understand that that family thinks that Buzz may be the anti-Christ, (I, uh, highly recommend you read my other Home Alone review first to avoid intense confusion) but he still should have received an actual punishment for what he did.

Instead, he gets his mother, once again, staring at him dead in the eyes and saying, “You got your wish last year, maybe you’ll get it again this year.” You are terrible, Kate McAllister. He got his “wish” last year because YOU forgot him. That makes saying that sentence sound like a very serious threat. Then, after a night of threatening to commit child abandonment, the family doesn’t notice until baggage claim that Kevin isn’t there. I know that they saw him at the airport but you would think given the family history that at one point, one of the parents would get up and walk around the plane to make sure that everyone had gotten on board. Or at the very least, made sure everyone got off the plane as a group. It also seems that most of the family is fairly indifferent to Kevin being missing as they casually just say, “Kevin’s not here…” instead of “Oh my god! My brother is missing!” This family is the absolute worst!

Thankfully, it does seem like Kevin is slowly working on his destruction of these terrible parents. He seems to be going after the wealth that was promised to them. In the first movie, they fly to Paris with four of the fifteen flying first class. Granted they stay at his brother’s house, but still it’s an expensive trip. This year, they are only going to Florida and no one is traveling first class. They also seem to be staying in a somewhat seedy hotel and having everyone stay in a suite with only four beds which is…not enough for fourteen people. Is...Is this why Heather disappeared?? Seriously, a fun drinking game to play while watching the Home Alone movies is to take a shot every time the parents are either horribly neglectful or we see consequences of that neglect (Like how Kevin, the child, keeps talking about how last time was his fault…you know, the time he was left alone at home and then almost murdered…). No wonder Kevin was so thrilled to be in a New City where his family had no idea where he was.

Speaking of, what was his game plan here? Did he plan to stay in New York forever? How long was he planning on being gone? How did he intend to get home? Did Kevin plan on taking over New York City because he’s probably very capable of that? He talked an entire hotel staff into thinking he was two people using just his charm and a Talk-boy. By the way, my sisters and I had a Talk-Girl and it was just as much fun as it looks in this movie. However, instead of choosing to make our voices sound deeper, we decided it was more fun to make ourselves sound like chipmunks. But once again, I digress….

Kevin really steps up his ‘evil master mind’ game in this movie. Granted, the Wet/Sticky Bandits robbed the world’s coolest toy store on Christmas Eve and therefore, stole from a children’s hospital which is one of the most evil things someone could do, but my god! Kevin had a photo of them robbing the toy store, he alerted the police that they were robbing the place, he could have run anywhere and been okay. He could have found a stranger on the street. He could have ran to a police station. Heck, he could have shown the police the tape BEFORE the robbery began and had the police catch them in the act. But that wasn’t enough for Kevin. Instead, he absolutely wanted to torture them. In the first movie, all of the traps were designed to either keep the burglars out, or slow them down once they got inside. Everything in this house, every single trap, was designed to cause maximum pain. It wasn’t about defending the place, it was about punishing them. The traps are also a lot more elaborate and deadly than the first movie which, let me tell you, if you are susceptible to Mirroring Neurons, there are some things in this movie that are very hard to watch! Many of the things that happen made me physically cringe.

Oh, speaking of the elaborate traps, I have another fun story from my childhood! In the movie, Kevin pours kerosene down the toilet. I found this absolutely fascinating when I was little and wanted to know what would happen if I tried it. Fortunately, I did not have access to kerosene. Unfortunately, I did, indeed, have access to laundry soap. So, I poured the entire container of laundry soap down the toilet. And then I flushed. I got into quite a bit of trouble but it was worth it for all the bubbles.

Over all, I really do love this movie. The hotel’s staff help make the film hilarious and the scenes with Kevin interacting with the homeless bird lady are extremely touching. However, I do have one pretty major complaint. Well, two if you count my complaint about Donald Trump making a cameo. Home Alone II seems to suffer pretty intensely from First Movie Syndrome (credit for that term/idea I believe goes to the Nostalgia Critic-look him up on Youtube, he’s pretty fantastic). Essentially, a lot of the movie relies on the “hey, guys! Remember in the first movie when-?” Remember in the first movie when the parents slept in? They did it again! Remember in the first movie when Kevin screamed right at the camera? Well, now the parents scream right at the camera! Remember when Kevin tricked people with the old gangster movie? Well now he’s doing it again! Remember when Kevin did the eyebrow wiggle? Well now he’s doing it again!! Haha, get it guys, it’s because it all happened in the first movie!! I am all for subtle nods to the first movie but there are times when this movie gets a little too heavy handed with it. But that being said, it’s still a fantastic movie.

Come back tomorrow for another version of A Christmas Carol, this time, with Muppets!

#home alone ii #home alone 2 #25 days of christmas #christmas #movies #reviews #signal boost

Home Alone- 1990

Home Alone may very well be my favorite Christmas movie, next to It’s A Wonderful Life and Miracle on 34th St. I have seen it more times than I am able to count but there are certain one liners I never fail to crack up at. The scene where Kate McAllister is riding with the Polka boys in the back of the van and John Candy tells her the story about his son to make her feel better is one of the funniest short scenes I’ve ever seen in a Christmas movie. Our hearts ache for Kevin and for his family. This says a lot about the power of this film because if you step back and really look at it, it’s hard to understand why you feel back for them.

Take for instance, Kevin’s mother the night before they leave for Paris. You know what’s not going to win you a mother of the year award? Staring your eight year old son in the eye and telling him to “Say it again, maybe it will happen” in a chillingly flat affect when he says he wishes he didn’t have a family. Then, banishing him to the attic without once coming by to check on him. Not to mention, I am fairly certainly she never bothers to pack his suitcase at all, despite the fact that Kevin very obviously doesn’t know how to do that.* She then proceeds to completely forget about him the next day. She doesn’t remember him when they are waking everyone else up to get them ready to go. She doesn’t remember him while they load their bags into the car. She doesn’t remember him when they are running through the airport, making sure everyone keeps up. She doesn’t remember him until HOURS later. We can tell that its dark outside by the time she remembers.

However, she does redeem herself later in the film because you have to really love somebody to agree to drive across multiple states in the back of a moving fan with a bunch of strange men you don’t know while they play polka music the entire time. Of course, one could also make the argument that the greater act of love is not leaving your child on another continent at Christmas so who really knows…

I had always thought that Peter McAllister was fairly innocent in all of this and was all around not a bad parent per se. Then I watched this movie with closed caption on and noticed something. While saying goodbye to Kate at the airport, he tells her “Go find Kevin. Don’t get lost yourself.” Hey, guess what? Kevin isn’t lost, you Ass, YOU GUYS left him behind. That’s not lost, that’s abandoned. Kevin doesn’t need found, Kevin needs child protective services.

I also find myself wondering at what point exactly does Kevin realize that he didn’t make his family disappear but rather they forgot about him? Talk about a pretty intense emotional shift….One second, you’re feeling guilty for wishing your family out of existence, the next, you are completely and utterly betrayed and abandoned. Kevin seems to believe he is responsible even on Christmas Eve. He asks Santa’s ‘helper’ to bring his family back to him. He then runs down the stairs on Christmas morning expecting them to be there. If he thought they left him at that point, he would have most likely known they wouldn’t be there but hoped that Santa was having them fly back soon. No, I think we see the realization fall on Kevin as he looks at his mother. She’s there and she immediately apologizes. He then gets it. They didn’t disappear. They went without him. He pauses a second, processing and feeling the sting before supposedly forgiving her. After the changes he has been through the last few days, he knows it isn’t worth it and that he missed his family. Right?

There have been many internet articles for several years now theorizing that Kevin grows up to be the Jigsaw Killer from the Saw franchise. Both set elaborate traps for their victims, both target people they believe to be bad or corrupt. But I think it goes a lot deeper than that. There may be something even more sinister at play.

First, let’s look at the McAllister home. It’s gorgeous and gigantic. It’s easily worth one million dollars. They can also afford to travel to Paris for Christmas. Four first class tickets to Paris at Christmas time is roughly 13,000 dollars today (so Kevin’s parents would have for $6,500 of that) and 10 coach tickets for about 20,000 today(since they have five kids they foot the bill for half that amount.) All told, the McAllister’s spend the equivalent of 16,500 dollars on airfare alone. These people have money! They apparently also use the same magic airline that they people in the Holiday do because they are able to get enough seats on one plane on a cross Atlantic flight on Christmas. But I digress, the point is, they are loaded. Where did they get all this money?

We can gather from some of the context clues (there is a sewing table in the parents room and several mannequins throughout the basement/brought out at the party) that the mom is most likely a seamstress.** She obviously works from home which suggests that she’s not exactly Vera Wang so I doubt their income comes from her. While it’s possible that the dad has a very high paying job to afford all of that, those are usually the sort of jobs where you have to work extremely long hours and never see your family. That’s not mentioned once. In fact, we get the impression that Peter is pretty involved in his kid’s lives.

Another thing to note is that Kate and Peter don’t really look like they are the parents of five children, particularly when four of those five children are teenagers. Uncle Frank, Peter’s brother, doesn’t look nearly as good as they do, and they have far fewer kids.

What am I getting at with all of this? I think, when the McAllisters were quite young they made a deal with an evil entity. They said the quintessential phrase “I’d sell my soul to be beautiful and rich for the rest of my life.” The evil entity told them that it didn’t want their souls, but merely wanted them to birth one of its children. They wouldn’t know which of their future children was this demonic creatures because the evil entity wanted to make sure the child grew up ‘normal’ and wasn’t treated differently until the time was right. They probably thought it was Buzz which is why they never disciplined him which is why he became such a bullying little shit. But no, it was Kevin.

Kevin their precious youngest. Kevin, who loves Christmas and family and only acts up sometimes but he always means well, right? If Kevin was supernatural it would explain how he can go from a kid who isn’t able to pack his own suitcase to a kid who is able to do laundry, go shopping, and set elaborate death traps only a few days later. It would also explain why he was able to set the traps so quickly. We hear the bells chime 8 o’clock as he runs out of the church. He then runs back home, pulls out the blueprints, sets up all the traps and still has time to make the deliciously nutritious mac and cheese dinner. This would also explain why the traps don’t kill Marv and Harry when they very well should. Kevin doesn’t want them to die. Where’s the fun in that? Where’s the justice? No, Kevin wants them to suffer for what they’ve done. So he makes them experience all of these things that should have killed them or at least left comatose but kept them alive with his magical abilities so that he could continue his torture and ensure that they wound up in prison.

This would also explain why she says with such conviction to the airline attendant that she would sell her soul to the devil himself to get back to Kevin. We can tell she means it. We now know she already tried once…

His parents never knew what happened while they were gone so they continued to assume Buzz was the evil one and Kevin was their precious innocent baby. A precious innocent baby who would be bidding his time, waiting to get revenge for being abandoned…Merry Christmas, right guys?!

*Hey, speaking of which, what kind of irresponsible people pack for their EUROPEAN vacation completely the night before? Maybe it’s just my anxiety but I would have been on that shit a long time before hand. Also, in a somewhat similar yet somewhat unrelated note, can we just talk about the fact that they end up leaving forty five minutes before their plane takes off and still made it? Pre-9/11 world guys was so different…

**Though the father could absolutely be a Seamster(?) but I’m going off of 90’s stereotypes here.

Come back tomorrow for my review of Home Alone II as we watch the parents become even more neglectful, try to figure out the mystery of the disappearing McAllister, and watch Kevin perfect the art of ‘oh my god, no kid should take such glee in doing that to another human being…”

#home alone #25 days of christmas #christmas #movies #reviews #signal boost

The Santa Clause- 1994

Welcome to the final week of this blog! I’ve shed some tears, I’ve over thought countless classics, and hopefully made you laugh once or twice. We are in the final stretch so I welcome you to Favorites Week. With the exception of Miracle on 34th St(which I watched first), all of the films this week are my favorites. They are the ones that truly define Christmas for me. So without further ado:

Ah, The Santa Clause, the movie that is the sole reason I spelled Santa Claus wrong for more years than I am comfortable admitting. Who knew the story of neglectful homicide and identity theft could so endearing?

A fun fact about this movie: Growing up, I had the VHS version of this and we bought it almost as soon as it came out on video. This is why I had no idea that a joke had been cut from future versions of the film. When I would watch it on TV, I always assumed that the networks found the joke to be too crass so they cut it out, but upon getting The Santa Clause on DVD, I found the infamous line missing. What was it you may ask…In the scene where Laura drops Charlie off at Scott’s house for Christmas, she hands Scott a piece of paper with Neal’s mother’s number on it, in case he needs to reach them. Scott looks down at it and says, “1-800-SPANK-ME? I know that number…” Apparently, children in the 90’s had less precious ears than children of today. Who knew? Anyone remember this line?

One thing I do have to point out before I begin is that there is a line in this movie that will absolutely be lost on kids today. When Charlie points to the reindeer and sleigh on the roof, Scott tells him that it’s a gift from the cable company and that he’s getting the Disney Channel for Christmas. Kids will never know the struggle and pain of not having the Disney Channel. I remember being so envious of the children who had it regularly. They were able to watch Under the Umbrella Tree, Flash Forward, and Adventures in Wonderland whenever they wanted. My sisters and I had to wait all year for that “very special weekend” when Disney Channel was free. Every year, like clockwork, Disney would allow everyone access to their precious and mysterious network. Somehow, we would always know when this was and gleefully turn on channel 17 and refuse to turn it off until the weekend was up and we just received static. Kids today will never know that roller coaster of emotion that was Disney weekend. Now, Disney is just a regular channel and most of them watch all their shows on Netflix. But 90’s kids know. 90’s kids never forget.

But uhm, yes, back to the Santa Clause…

For the most part, this film has aged really well. Minus the fashion and a few references, there is nothing in this movie that dates it to the point where the viewer can no longer relate to it. The experiences and setbacks of all the characters are just as realistic today as they were 20 years ago.(Yes, I said 20 years….). The humor still holds up and it’s yet another film that has a heartwarming message without being saccharine and then beating you over the head with it. The overall theme of The Santa Clause is that seeing isn’t believing, believing is seeing. This harkens back to my entry on Miracle on 34th St about children and Christmas magic. Kids don’t need to have the concrete proof that adults do that magic exists. They simply just know it does. Never once does Charlie question if his experience at the North Pole was real. He knows without any shadow of a doubt that it is. I think that is absolute beautiful. Unfortunately, Charlie goes about it very, very stupidly.

I absolutely have no problem with Charlie’s unshakable faith and belief. Belief in something, be it Santa, God, Science, even faith in chaos, is an important thing to have in life. It’s nice to have a constant in life when everything seems topsy turvy. However, Charlie is eight years old. He is old enough to start understanding consequences to actions and how things may sound to adults. I don’t blame him for telling his mom and Neal about the North Pole. I can see why he would want to excitedly tell his friends that his dad is Santa Claus. One time, when I was a young kid, I lost a tooth and the ‘Tooth Fairy’ forgot to come several days in a row. I was heartbroken and then I came home from school one day to find a message on the answering machine for me from the “Tooth Fairy”(read, my Grandma doing a voice) saying that she was busy helping children in Bosnia and that’s why she had been delayed. I didn’t question how on Earth the tooth fairy was supposed to help children in a war torn country, I was just thrilled to hear from such a celebrity. I immediately told all of my friends at school what had happened. All two of them.

So yes, I understand the excitement. However, Charlie has to know that telling people that his father pushed Santa off of a roof and then assumed his identity wasn’t going to go over well. I am not a child psychologist but I am fairly certain eight year olds are cognitively developed enough to go “oh, this might get my dad in trouble…” Even if they are not, once Charlie started to see what telling the truth was doing to his family, you would think he would have learned that maybe, in this case, it wasn’t better to tell the truth. I am absolutely not endorsing teaching children to lie in order to protect parents but if I were Charlie I may have ‘played around with a few details’ when talking to the judge.

Going back to the subject of the previous Santa falling off the roof, am I the only one curious as to if that particular event fell under accident or design? According to the Santa Clause, those are the only options for breaking the Santa contract. At first glance, this appears to be an accident. Santa at least sure seemed surprised by it as he slid down the icy two story roof and hit the hard frozen ground. However, in the opening credits of the movie we see a single lone elf in a crowd of children in front of a window display. Why was she there? In the exact town that Scott Calvin lived? At the exact time Charlie was losing faith in Santa Claus and they were drifting a part…And Scott Calvin just so happened to work for a toy manufactory company? And Santa, who is normally exceptionally quiet, happened to be making such a racket on the roof? That is far too much coincidence.

Oh no, this was absolutely no accident but a carefully orchestrated set up. The only question is, did the previous Santa know it was coming? Given his shock and his gasp as he fell off the roof, it seems terribly unlikely in which case…Geez… that’s super intense…Now I can’t help but wonder, where do the old Santas go after they give up their reign? It states in the clause that by putting on the suit they forfeit their previous identities. Do they get thrust back into their old lives? How do they explain to people why they’ve been missing for so many years? Are they allowed to put Santa on their resumes or do they just list it as a “delivery man” to avoid questions? Is there a support group for former Santas? One minute, they are the embodiment of Christmas, the next minute, they are back to being regular old Joes with no magic and nowhere to go. In the second movie (which I have admittedly only seen once because it was terrible and refused to see the third on principle), Santa is forced to get married. Do their wives suddenly find themselves transported out of the North Pole without warning? That sounds absolutely horrifying…

Speaking of making Santa find a Mrs. Claus…doesn’t that seem kind of dated? While I understand that Mrs. Claus is an important figure, I’m not really sure how I feel about forcing someone to get married, particularly when they are apparently not even in the job permanently. I also can’t help but wonder if what if someone who is gay happens to accidentally cause Santa to fall off the roof. Now that gay marriage is legal in the US, does that mean Santa can marry who he pleases? Are Santas always American or are they nationally diverse? Are they always white? I just have so many questions. I won’t even get started on asking what happens if a woman causes the ‘death’ of a Santa. I suppose all of this is why the elves are so careful at orchestrating who gets to be Santa.

I could go on and on about this film (as I am sure you have well learned by now). I could talk about how creepy it is that elves date but also look like children. I could talk about the baffling fact that so many people in this movie stop believing in Santa just because they didn’t get one gift one time. I’ve already mentioned in a previous entry about how weird it is that adults don’t believe in Santa in a universe where Santa does indeed exist. But I’ll leave you here for tonight, dear readers.

Tomorrow, I explore the movie of severe parental neglect, budding psychopathy, and multiple felonies and attempted murders. Obviously, I’m talking about Home Alone.

#the santa clause #santa claus #25 days of christmas #christmas #movies #reviews #signal boost

The Family Stone- 2005

It seems there are three basic schools of thought on this movie. A good majority of people have never even heard of it, or at the very least, they have never seen it. A second group adamantly loathes this movie and a third adores it and considers it a classic. I am surprisingly in the third category. Maybe it’s because I grew up with a family who was dysfunctional and flawed but fiercely loyal to each other. Maybe it’s because Diane Keaton never fails to remind me of my mother. Maybe it’s because I am a sucker for anything and everything that makes me cry. Maybe it’s because I used to have a very large crush on Rachel McAdams. Whatever the reason, The Family Stone remains one of my favorite guilty pleasure classics.

The basic premise of the movie is that Meredith (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) goes to stay with her boyfriend’s (Everett) family for Christmas. The family is instantly rude to her so she calls her sister (Claire Danes, hello again, Beth!) to come and stay with them so she has someone in her corner. Soon though, Everett begins to fall for Claire Danes and Sarah Jessica Parker begins to fall for HIS brother, Ben, played by Luke Wilson. Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous and terrible but this movie has a lot of heart you guys.

Before I get too emotional (and believe me, I’m going to get emotional), I’ll get the snark out of the way first. First of all, I don’t really understand how Julie and Meredith came from the same family. Meredith is extremely uptight and anxious and has trouble expressing her emotions. Whereas Julie is naturally friendly and easy going. Which of them is the black sheep of the family? Were their parents repressively strict which caused Julie to rebel? Or were they chaotically hands off which caused Meredith to seek out control? It’s never explained and I just have a hard time believing the night and day personalities came from the same family, unless that family was just as dysfunctional as the Stones.

The Stones are also just pretty terrible, well some of them are. I get that Meredith is very different than them and they don’t think she’s the right girl for Everett but my goodness, lighten up a bit. I understand were Diane Keaton is coming from, to a certain extent. It’s revealed later in the movie that she was diagnosed with cancer and there isn’t a cure. She doesn’t want to die, watching her son make a very, very big mistake. Her solution, if she can’t change her son’s mind, is to scare away Meredith. It’s not the most mature plan, but when people are backed into a corner, they make some pretty bad decisions. Amy, played by one of my many future girlfriends Rachel McAdams, is just terrible. She had a bad first impression of Meredith and refused to let it go and tried very hard to get the rest of the family to turn on her. If she hadn’t said anything, the entire fiasco could have been avoided.

I also have to raise a major eyebrow at the ending of this movie. Meredith ends up leaving Everett and dating Ben, and Everett leaves Meredith and dates Julie. I’m sorry, but that’s really really awkward. “We used to date each other and now we’re dating each other’s siblings!” That’s the kind of thing you see on Jerry Springer or Seventh Heaven. While we see the Stones being okay with the swap, I imagine the reaction from the Morton’s was very different.

“Oh, by the way, I’m dating Everett now….”

“What? I thought your sister was dating Everett…”

“No, no, she’s with Ben now.”

“Who’s Ben?”

“Everett’s brother. They are both totally cool with it though. I mean, they had a brief moment where Everett chased Ben around the house, threatening to beat him up, but within a few hours, he was absolutely cool with it.”

“What was your sister doing at this time?”

“Hmm, it’s hard for me to remember exactly…I just know that she was in a really gross shirt. Seriously, Mom, she went out drinking in this shirt, got extremely drunk so you know it smelled bad already, then she slept in it, and THEN she got it covered in eggs and for some reason, refused to change! Ugh, it was super gross and distracting.”

“How did she get covered in eggs?”

“Oh, Sybil and Amy opened the door really hard and that caused her to knock the tray she was carrying into herself. But, they all started crying and laughing and now everyone likes each other.”

“……”

‘What?”

I know this movie is ridiculous and clichéd but as I said, it’s a guilty pleasure. It’s wormed it’s way into my heart because of the amount of heart this movie has. Get ready for the emotional stuff guys, it’s coming down hard…

For me, one of the most poignant scenes of this movie takes place when the family sits down to dinner on Christmas Eve. Julie, asks Thad (Everett’s brother) and Patrick(Thad’s boyfriend) if they care what race of baby they adopt. While that may be far too personal of a question from someone they just met, Thad and Patrick are able to tell that the question came from a place of honest curiosity. Meredith then asks if they are at all concerned with nature vs. nurture for their child. At first, Thad doesn’t understand what she’s trying to ask. Meredith wants to know if they are worried they may raise a gay child. She begins to dig herself deeper and deeper until she shouts that she thinks most parents would want a normal child.

I understand what she’s trying to say. She was trying to express that most parents want their kids to have easier lives than they had and they want to protect their child from harm. You can’t do that with a queer child in the world today. Yes, it’s changing and getting so much easier than it used to be, but still, queer children get hurt. We get hurt by politicians who openly talk about stripping away our rights. We get hurt by preachers telling us we are going to burn in hell. We get hurt by our peers casually saying ‘that’s so gay.’ We get hurt by the constant reminder that there aren’t nearly as many of us in this world as there are non-queer individuals. We get hurt when we try and embrace and search for a sense of community in a sea of people not like us when we are told that we are just seeking attention and shoving our “lifestyle” in others faces. We are born to be hurt. And as a parent, that must break the parent’s heart. There is no way to protect them. Because of this, most queer children wonder if their parents secretly wish, deep down, that they were different. Not because our parents hate us, but because it would have been easier and less heartbreaking.

So when Thad staring down at his plate sadly, my heart aches. I ache because I relate to how he feels. Thad is also deaf and in an interracial relationship. He has the odds seemingly stacked against him but his home is the one place he always felt safe and secure and never different. How heartbreaking to lose that and to have your fears creep up so unexpectedly. Sybil throws her fork at Thad’s plate to get his attention. She tells him that she loves him and that he’s more normal than any other asshole at the table.

Yes, this family was extremely rude to Meredith from the very beginning but they are a family that loves each other intensely and will protect each other at all costs. I think their rudeness (and don’t get me wrong, they are super rude to poor Meredith) was a response to knowing that she wasn’t right for Everett more than it was about her. The family sensed he would be unhappy if he married her so they went into hyper protection mode.

I think the most important takeaway from this movie is to Repeat the Sounding Joy. There are many interpretations of what this line means, but I have always interpreted it as enjoying and celebrating the moment while you have it. You never know when your family’s holiday gathering will be the last that you will all be together. There are no future moments promised to you. We have only the present and our past. This is a lesson that we only ever truly learn the hard way. Sometimes the lesson is learned through a diagnosis of a life threatening disease, sometimes the lesson is learned through near misses, and sometimes the lesson is learned without any warning, an unnecessary tragedy and life taken. We didn’t know that the last Christmas was the last Christmas, that the last words spoken were going to be the last words. Cherish all of the moments of your life, even the hard ones. Celebrate the times you have together. Repeat the Sounding Joy. Repeat the Sounding Joy.

Well, we’re survived another week and I want to give another thank you to the people who are reading this. You are all amazing and I love and appreciate you so much. Next week begins my Favorites Week. We kick off the week with the heartwarming tale of a father and son committing casual manslaughter and identity theft. It’s The Santa Clause!

#the family stone #25 days of christmas #movies #reviews #christmas #signal boost

Rent!- 2005

Once again, I feel the need to defend this movie as a Christmas movie. The entire first act take place on Christmas and the film also ends around Christmas time. If Diehard hard can be considered a Christmas movie, so can Rent. I have a lot feelings about Rent. When this movie came out in 2005, I automatically fell in love with it. I found myself relating to song after song, and craved the bohemian lifestyle. I cheered inwardly when Roger and Mark told Benny off for ‘selling out.’ I was seventeen at the time and still a high school student. Now that I am an adult…my perspective has changed slightly. While I am still all for creativity and doing what you love for a living, the cast of characters in this movie are just the absolute worst examples of humanity. Don’t believe me? Let’s look at the opening number alone…

“We’re not gonna pay last year’s rent…”

That I fully support. Rent wasn’t negotiated and you had a verbal contract to not owe anything. It isn’t remotely legal to collect a made up sum of rent from a year ago when the tenants didn’t agree to pay. You should absolutely not have to pay that.

“…this year’s rent…”

Okay, we are getting more into gray area here but since he did tell you that you were good for the year, then you technically shouldn’t have to pay. Particularly when you were informed that you owed money on Christmas Eve. The timing of that is in poor taste to say the least.

“…Next year’s rent!”

No. No, I’m sorry; you can’t just…live there for free. At least not you, Mark. Roger has a pretty severe syndrome that would absolutely make work hard for him, particularly in the late eighties when there was still A LOT of stigma against HIV. If he was fortunate enough to find a job that didn’t discriminate against his HIV status, chances are, the potential frequent illnesses would lose him his job eventually. You, Mark…not so much. If you want the place to remain rent free fine, but move out and open up the space for someone who is actually homeless and unable to work/pay for things. While the apartment itself may be run down, it’s huge and appears to be a loft. In no universe whatsoever can you live in a New York City loft, rent free. But! Benny comes along and offers you your dream job, and tells you that you won’t have to pay rent and all you have to do is get Maureen to cancel her protest. Let’s be honest here, Maureen’s protest really wasn’t that good. And by that I mean it was extremely annoying. It reeked of pretentious-free-out-of-art-schoolness and ultimately said nothing.

Meanwhile, while all this is going on, Tom Collins has been attacked and has been missing for hours. His friends don’t really notice until what appears to be several hours later and then Mark goes on what I assume is a half-hearted look for him. The next morning, both Mark and Roger are completely chill and show no signs of worry about their friend at all. Let me make this clear to those who haven’t seen the film or haven’t seen it in a while. Tom Collins shouts up at his friends on Christmas to drop their keys so that he may get in. They do and then go back inside, presumably because they assume he will be right up. Almost immediately after they go inside, Collins is attacked and slumps against a brick wall, bleeding profusely. He is rescued by Angel and they go to a meeting for people with HIV. They do not return until the next morning. Roger and Mark literally just saw their friend seconds ago, about to come up and then he straight up disappears and they only react with minor worry the way someone would if they couldn’t remember if they mailed that mildly important but not pressing letter.

They aren’t the only ones who are terrible though. I’m pretty sure Maureen and Joanne are the reason it took so long for same sex marriage to be legalized in New York. Hear me out: Here is this fancy schmancy country club that is not only allowing two women to have their engagement party, but an engagement party for an interracial same sex couple as well. That’s pretty damn progress for a place like that at the time. And then Maureen and Joanne get into a song fight. I like to think that at first, the guests just thought it was part of the “ritual” since the gays are known to be “theatrical” but then quickly realized that the couple was in fact breaking up in the most elaborate way possible. Then, the club, and all its rich members decided that “lesbians are the worst!” and thus gay marriage wasn’t legalized until 2011.

Speaking of Maureen, she is without a doubt the absolute worst! Bisexuality has enough stigma against it without characters like Maureen. She seems to be incapable of being faithful but keeps getting into monogamist relationships. She is the sort of person who would take up a perfectly valid cause such as racial inequality and then proceed to talk over the people she’s supposedly being an ‘ally’ for and tell them how to feel about an issue. Maureen is the sort of person that would constantly monitor the number of friends she has on Facebook or followers on Twitter and Instagram and hunt down anyone who dared to unfriend/unfollow which pretending she didn’t care at all.

Mark isn’t much better, however. Mark was a straight white male in the late 80s and early 90s. He was able bodied and had two parents who very much loved him. And yet, he chooses to go around pretending to be downtrodden and working for his art. His art, by the way, is a documentary that he spends over a year making which ends up being a 30 second video of random shots of New York spliced in with images of his friends. So…there’s that. He is also just a terrible friend. Roger’s ex was a drug addict who killed herself because of a mixture of addiction and her HIV status. Mark, being the great friend he is, tells Roger that it would be a really good idea to get into a relationship with a girl who is a drug addict who is HIV positive. You know who recovering/recovered drug addicts shouldn’t hang around? Drug users.

Roger then falls in love with Mimi despite her intense addiction which nearly gets her killed at the end of the movie. She rallies when she hears Roger’s song and all appears to be well. However…let’s be realistic. Mimi is HIV+ and has been a heroin addict for several years which would have weakened her already fragile health. Most likely, she would be ten within two weeks of hearing Roger’s song.

I haven’t mentioned Angel because this is a very complicated one. I absolutely love Angel, she’s fabulous, brave, and appears to be good natured. But…she straight up killed someone’s dog. She caused a dog to jump to its death for cash. I mean, I understand that the constant barking was probably really annoying but that doesn’t mean that the dog deserved to die! Evita was probably barking because it was left outside in December for hours at a time. Angel could have still gotten his money if he had just broken in and stolen the dog. And let’s face it, Angel has the sort of power that she could totally knock on Benny and his wife’s apartment door, smile at them, walk in and grab the dog and they would just stand there in awe, admiring her wonderful shoes.

I think the main problem with the film version of Rent is that they used the original cast. It’s a fantastic service to those who are fans of the original Broadway show, but it leaves movie goers a bit confused. Originally, these are supposed to be kids in the early 20’s, trying to make it in New York City while sticking to their dream. But in the movie, everyone looks at least 30. A 20 year old living on a dream and a prayer is charming. A 30 year old doing it is just really annoying. It’s not that every character in this movie is inherently bad, it’s just that we allow people in the late teens, early 20’s a certain level of selfishness that just doesn’t fly for people who are 30 or older. A young person starting out doesn’t really know how the world works and is filled with relentless optimism. They think that everyone can achieve their dream job if they work hard enough so they shirk the responsibilities of the real world because it gets in the way of their dream. By 30 though, people tend to learn that their dream job, is still a job that they have to put a lot of effort into. They learn that sometimes it’s okay to settle for a job you like, even if you don’t love it, so long as it provides for you and your loved ones. It’s hard for younger people to know that this doesn’t mean ‘grownups’ are selling out.

That’s all for today, guys! Stop by tomorrow as I watch the beautiful film, The Family Stone.

#rent #25 days of christmas #reviews #movies #christmas #signal boost

Christmas Vacation

Ah, Christmas Vacation. The tale of one devoted father heroically trying to ensure that his family experience a good old fashion family Christmas in the face of heartbreaking setbacks, financial adversities, and familial strife. Or, depending on how you look at it: A semi-psychotic man tortures his family with unrealistic expectations as he succumbs into the fantasy world of nostalgia before becoming an accessory to wrongful imprisonment. Either way, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is one of the rare films where as a sequel it far surpasses the original.

Before we really begin, fun story time: My first memory of watching this movie was at a day care room at night. I do not know why I was in a random daycare room at night but I’m fairly certain my dad was working out at the gym. I am also fairly certain my sisters were with me but somewhere over the two and a half decades that this took place, my memory wiped them away. I was watching it with another girl who I didn’t know who I was very intimidated by. My memory places her as being a teenager but realistically she was probably only ten or so. We were watching the opening credits which depict a cartoon Santa Claus having a very rough time delivering presents. Santa was shocked by the Christmas lights and I laughed. Because that’s what you are supposed to do in a comedy and I was four or five. This older girl looked at me very seriously and told me that I should never, ever laugh at that because electrocution could kill people and that if I laughed at it I would be in very big trouble. Once again, I want to remind you that I was four or five. I was absolutely terrified. Almost instantaneously, I became terrified that I would one day be electrocuted and also horrified that I may be in trouble for laughing. It’s memories like this that I like to point out to people when they throw around phrases like “Alexis, you are a neurotic mess!” and “That’s not a rational fear or likely occurrence at all!” I spend the next several years casually afraid of Christmas Vacation. To this day, I always feel a mild sense of anxiety throughout the entire film. Ah, good times!

One of my favorite things about Christmas movies is that, the good ones, always conjure of memories of the past; be they one time occurrences or memories of traditions. Christmas Vacation is a perfect film for all the families out there who didn’t have the perfect Christmas’ that everyone else seemed to. The Griswold clan is lovably dysfunctional which makes them incredibly relatable. They take your family’s holiday mishaps and amp them up to 11. You’ve got a weird family? You probably don’t have a Cousin Eddie kidnapping your boss. Your dad goes over the top with your Christmas decorations? There’s no way he put more lights up that Clark Griswold. Your grandparents are getting older and forgetting things? It’s highly unlikely that she ever forgot she wrapped her cat as a present. (And if so, hey, free cat, am I right?). By spending Christmas with the Griswold family, we get to laugh at not only their bizarre antics, but have an outlet to laugh at our own family holiday strife.

While discussing this movie with a friend of mine, she stated that this movie made her very anxious when she watched it. I asked her if it was because she was told as a child by a stranger that she should never laugh at cartoon electrocution. After she stopped looking at me funny, she told me it was because of all the mishaps that happened. My family holidays(and vacations, special occasions, and days ending with day) always had mishaps so it never occurred to me that it wasn’t normal! We were a somewhat dysfunctional family with truly bizarre luck but we had two things are our side: we had a great sense of humor and we loved each other very much. What would normally be considered a ‘bad’ holiday to many, became great stories to tell and laugh at. I feel like the Griswold family is the same way. Rather than look at Clark’s Good Old Fashion Family Christmas as a terrible and horrible holiday, they say, “remember that time Cousin Eddie kidnapped a man?” Or “Remember the squirrel? The cat? When we repeated damaged the neighbor’s property and then blinded them to the point that they fell down the stairs?”

I also love the message of the movie, even if it’s never directly stated. Don’t get so caught up in trying to make sure that everyone has the perfect Christmas that no one has a good time. The Norman Rockwell painting of Christmas doesn’t exist. As I said in my Charlie Brown entry, it’s an image that we are sold that we love to buy into but it’s not all together achievable. Clark wants to cut down his own tree but is so consumed with the idea of cutting it down that he forgets to bring a saw which is tree cutting 101. He makes sure he checks every single bulb and strand on the lights, but doesn’t bother to check the power source. He focuses on the obsession of the idea of Christmas happiness that he neglects the steps to make it so. It’s something we can all be guilty of if we are not careful.

That being said, between Vacation and Christmas Vacation (I personally refuse to admit the other Vacation movies exist), I do have to worry a little bit about Clark’s mental health. He seems to have a lot of issues that he should probably talk about with a professional. He has issues with obsession, unrealistic expectations, he seems to be unaware that there are consequences to his actions, and occasionally he kidnaps people or indirectly assists with the kidnapping.

Which brings me to my next point…

After Cousin Eddie kidnaps Clark’s boss, the family is quick to assure him that this is the family’s first kidnapping. However, that’s not exactly true. In the first Vacation movie, Clark kidnaps a security guard so that the family can have a ‘fun’ time at Wally World. My question is, exactly how many kidnappings have to occur before it becomes a family’s “thing.” You know, how all families seem to have things? Like, one family really loves making Christmas cookies, one family is constantly fighting, one family kidnaps people regularly…Can you imagine being new to the neighborhood and being introduced to the Griswold’s?

“Yes, welcome to the neighborhood! Let me show you around a bit. The Morgan’s on the corner are a great couple with two daughters, best carolers you’ll ever hear! Then we have the Andersons, their Quakers! And across the street we have the Griswold’s…they kidnap people.” “What? You can’t be serious!” “Oh, they’re perfectly harmless for the most part. They only kidnapped two people! Well, there’s also the matter of the civil suit against them from their old neighbors, but they were terribly annoying Yuppies.”

I wonder what my thing will be one day. I’m going to guess it’s something along the lines of “there’s that weird girl who can’t just enjoy a movie.”

Come back tomorrow for the first musical on this list! It’s Rent and guys, I have a lot of feelings…

#christmas vacation #25 days of christmas #christmas #movies #review #signal boost

A Very Merry Muppet Christmas

First, I apologize for the delay in this entry! It’s been one of those days...

I am well aware that this is one of the lesser known Muppet movies out there. It was a made for TV movie that aired on NBC in 2002. I’ve always been a huge fan of the Muppets so I sat down eagerly to watch it and fell in love instantly. It’s filled with everything you love about the Muppets: great humor, a positive message, and of course, cameos, cameos, cameos! Everyone from William H. Macey to Matthew Lillard, to Carson Daily (who, at one point was indeed a celebrity!) is in the Very Merry Muppet Movie. Since so few have seen this movie, I’ll treat this review a little differently and go over the basic plot.

The basic story is an homage to It’s A Wonderful Life. Kermit and the gang are busy preparing for their Christmas show when Rachel Bitterman (played by the amazing Joan Cusack), the wealthy and cold banker, barges in and informs the Muppets that if they don’t pay their mortgage, in full, by midnight of Christmas Eve, Bitterman will foreclose on the Muppet theatre. Personally, I love how villains in Muppet movies have names like Bitterman and Tex Richman. Poor souls never even stood a chance to not be villains with names like that! Rachel Bitterman wants to turn the Muppet theatre into a nightclub so she can sell overpriced drinks to ‘rave monkeys.’ Pepe, the prawn shrimp, is seduced by the idea of working for Bitterman so he can make enough money to spend Christmas salsa dancing with Ricky Martin. Yes, you read that right. Pepe wants to dance with Ricky Martin. This movie guys, this movie!

While the Muppets are scrambling to sell enough tickets to pay off their mortgage, Pepe discovers that Bitterman changed the contract so that the money would actually be due at 6 PM on Christmas Eve instead on midnight. Horrified, Pepe abandons his dream of living la vita loco with Martin and runs to the Muppet theatre to warn Kermit about the change in the contract. He gets there right at the show is about to start and it’s the greatest thing I have ever seen.

The Muppets play opens on a red windmill with a sign above it that says Moulin Scrooge and what takes place is the most wonderful thing you could ever hope for. Fozzie Bear plays Zidler, chickens bock the ladies’ refrain of ‘Lady Marmalade’ while penguins quack ‘Here We Are Now, Entertain Us,’ Kermit drinks a “funny green root beer,” and Miss Piggy plays the lovely cubic zirconia, Saltine. Meanwhile, I die of laughter. This is a reference put in solely for the parents but it doesn’t that that ‘secretly dirty joke’ vibe (Though, Piggy does ask Kermit ‘voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?’ to which he replies ‘say wha?’ which is also amazing) but rather it feels like a friendly wink the adult audience. It’s typical Muppet pop culture spoofing and it’s done perfectly. This is another thing I absolutely love about the Muppets (and Sesame Street too, for that matter). They do parodies amazingly well. It’s never mean spirited or too crass, but rather a loving homage to current pop culture. Muppet comedy is a terrific blend of sight gags, slaps stick, pop culture references, and wit and played a very big role in shaping my sense of humor.

Pepe finally manages to get a hold of Kermit off stage and informs him about the change to the contract. Since Kermit is the lead and the stage manager he cannot leave the stage. He decides to entrust the responsibility of delivering the money to Fozzie Bear (Uncle Billy). He is grossly inept at it. Through a series of wacky mishaps and homages to other Christmas movies, Fozzie accidentally leaves the sack full of money with a Salvation Army Santa Claus and takes his bag instead.

Since the money is not delivered, Bitterman forecloses on the Muppet Theatre and Kermit loses faith in himself and feels wracked with guilt that he made his friends chase their dreams.

While all of this is going on, Daniel the angel (played by David Arquette) watches from heaven with God (played by Whoopie because 2002 was a great year to be alive!). Daniel begs God to send someone down to help Kermit. God agrees to only on the condition that Daniel himself go down to help Kermit.

When Daniel finds Kermit, he is at the lowest emotionally we have ever seen. He tells Daniel that his friends would have been better off without him and wishes he had never been born. In shock and horror, Daniel informs him that he is obligated to change the world accordingly when someone makes that wish.

Kermit then sees what his town would be like if he were never born. We see Sam the Eagle dancing at the new nightclub, Bunsen and Beaker are bouncers at said nightclub, Fozzie is a pickpocket, and Gonzo is a homeless musician. But above everyone there is one Muppet Kermit desperately wants to know is okay…

Kermit finds Miss Piggy in a rundown apartment on the wrong side of town. He knocks on her door and hears the sounds of dozens of locks unlatching and many, many cats meowing. While they talk, Kermit finds out Miss Piggy is working as a phone psychic and I come to the startling realization that my life may very well be very similar to Piggy’s in a few years. Thankfully, I think I would get a kick of being a phone psychic and I love cats so I am reasonably at peace with this inevitable future.

Horrified, Kermit desperately tries to find Daniel to undo his wish and Kermit and Gonzo sing a beautiful song about how everyone matters and I am suddenly 14 again and getting misty eyed. Another wonderful thing about the Muppets is that there is always a wonderfully positive message. It’s never the recent phenomenon of ‘everyone is extra special and wonderful no matter what’ but rather ‘you matter no matter what. I think that’s a wonderful thing for everyone to hear, but particularly kids. We forget as grownups how difficult it is to be a kid. Yes, kids have a lot less responsibility than adults, but kids don’t know that. Kids only know that a lot of the time, their opinions are dismissed or made light of. They only know that when a group of adults get together, sometimes they can feel invisible which is really hard when you aren’t used to it. It’s nice to remind them that not only are they loved, but they matter.

Kermit in transported back into the world when he was born and lets the Muppets know that it doesn’t matter that they lost the theatre because they’ll never lose the theatre in their hearts. Bitterman tells him that that’s great because she doesn’t want the Muppet theatre in their hearts but rather the one in reality. Pepe comes in and saves the day by informing everyone that he was able to get the Muppet Theatre recognized at a historical landmark. All is saved!

A lot of the complaints about this movie stem from the fact that a lot of the humor is more adult. Many people feel that this is disrespectful to the original Muppets but many of those people seem to forget that the very first episode of The Muppet Show was entitled ‘Sex and Violence.’ The Muppets have always been geared more towards adults in their humor. Sure, kids love them for their bright colors and funny voices but the jokes, be they pop culture reference or witty retort, have always been the sort that goes over most kids’ heads.

And now I’ve gone on for well over a thousand words about a movie most of you have never seen and that’s where I will leave for you today! Tune in tomorrow as I watch the comedy classic, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

#A Very Merry Muppet Christmas #muppets #christmas #25 days of christmas #movies #reviews #signal boost

Elf-2003

I honestly struggled to write this review because this movie is just so perfect. Who doesn’t love Elf? Elf was the first, and arguably only, classic original Christmas movie of the 21st Century. While the Polar Express and A Christmas Carol are very good, they aren’t original tales. There have been a handful of fairly decent Christmas movies this century but none that match Elf. Elf ranks among the classics like Home Alone and Miracle on 34th St. It has become part of the Christmas experience. It’s the perfect blend of humor and heart; it’s simultaneously off the wall goofy and down to Earth. It teaches us a valuable lesson about the meaning of Christmas without ever becoming too cheesy or corny.

One of the reasons Elf is so successful is that it adapted it’s storytelling to the 21st century while keeping the heart that we look for in Christmas movies. In the age of the internet, we like our stories fast paced, light and fun. Elf is the Christmas version of Mean Girls in that it’s full of witty one-liners that can be quipped back and forth between fans. The lesson of the movie also is delivered organically and manages to avoid being saccharine.

There have been many attempts to create original classics in the 21st century but they were either painfully bitter (Hello, Deck the Halls and Surviving Christmas) or excruciatingly sweet (Hello, movies I am sure exist but I try to avoid like the plague, I’ll just go with anything on the Hallmark channel here). Elf manages to deliver the important lesson of Christmas cheer without the audience needing to schedule a trip to the dentist.

I think one of the other reasons Elf is so beloved among millennials and baby boomers alike is because Will Farrell is about to convey an intense vulnerability and unquenchable optimism. His pure joy at all things Christmas radiates in every scene. It’s positively infectious. While I know that not everyone is a Will Farrell fan, I don’t think this movie would have been as successful. Everyone else in the cast manages to have great and unique chemistry with him which helps to make the film enjoyable for even the most cynical heart.

Now that I actually sound like a grown up movie reviewer (and it only took 15 days!), can I take a quick moment to talk about Buddy’s diet for a second?

Buddy’s diet consists of all things sugar which we’ve been told by doctors is absolutely horrible for you, but I feel like this movie proves that entirely wrong. Look at what Buddy is able to get done on his diet of pure sugary goodness! He decorates an entire department store by himself over night! He decorates his father’s house AND builds a rocking horse AND still manages to get a full forty minutes of sleep. And that’s to say nothing of his snowball making abilities. He makes them at an inhuman rate. Yes, I know he was raised by elves so he most likely learned some secrets but he’s still human. Clearly it must be his syrupy diet that provides all the energy. Can you imagine going out to eat with friends and having a conversation about recent diets?

“Yes, I’m on the paleo diet! I’ve simply never felt better!”

“Oh, really? I’m on the Buddy diet myself.”

“The Buddy diet? What’s that?”

“Oh, it’s candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup!”

“….Excuse me?”

“Yes! I’ve never had more energy! I rewired my entire house and re-landscaped the yard!”

“Oh my goodness, are there any side effects?”

“Well, I’m constantly having heart palpitations and I now taste colors, but other than that, it’s harmless!”

“That sounds simply marvelous!”

“Ha, ha, yes. Could you be a dear and call an ambulance?”

As someone whose taste buds are more in line with that of a five year old, this diet gets my stamp of approval!

Okay, now that we’ve gotten the slightly jovial topics out of the way, I need to talk about something that really bothers me in the world where movies like Elf talk place. When Buddy hears that some people don’t believe in Santa Claus he asks Papa Elf where people think the presents are coming from. Papa Elf replies that they think the grownups buy them. The grownups themselves in this world don’t believe in Santa Claus. Where do the adults think these presents are coming from? Are we supposed to believe that they are totally cool with presents randomly appearing in the house but find the idea of someone bringing said presents just too crazy? It seems unlikely. Do they think God puts them there? I doubt that very much. No. The ONLY explanation is that someone, presumably Santa Claus, is planting false memories in their heads of going shopping for the gifts. Not only is Santa always watching, he also controls your thoughts and memories. If Santa can control our thoughts, he can control our actions. Santa's naughty and nice list is obsolete. He decides who is naughty and who is nice. He controls all of it. He can see you when you're sleeping and he can know when you're awake. He can make sure you are good or ensure that you are bad. Why do poor kids get less presents? Does Santa determine they are naughty just because they are poor? When he plants the false memories of poor parents shopping for Christmas, does he also plant that sense of guilt and shame that comes from not being able to give your children the Christmas they deserve? Once again, Santa is inherently an asshole. He’s the very embodiment of corrupted capitalism. This isn’t even touching the fact that apparently Santa has access to our bank accounts.

If Santa can control our thoughts like this, why doesn’t he purposely make people cheerful so he can get his sled to fly? Apparently he has all that power! My bet? He didn’t want to overplay his hand. If he controlled everyone in the greater New York City area at once, Buddy might be suspicious. He couldn’t risk it. Instead, he had to manipulate Buddy and Co. into using the media and song to spread cheer the old fashioned way. Santa was able to get his sleigh flying and keep his secret. The only question now is exactly how far is Santa willing to go to protect his mind control secrets? I pray we never have to find out.

I wonder if it is this very secret keeping that is the reason Santa delivers the poor less presents. Maybe, he doesn’t actually want the adults to believe in him. Hear me out. If Santa wanted to, he could simply not manipulate the memories of those around him. He could allow the parents to keep believing in Santa Claus, leaving their bank accounts untouched, their pride untarnished and their belief in magic intact. But he doesn’t. He chooses the brainwashing! Why? Santa needs the money from everyone’s bank account to run the operations. Even if you assume the elves are unpaid, he still has to provide them food and housing and the materials to build the toys. The poor provide him with less money, so he provides them with less service. From a capitalist perspective, this makes sense. Santa loves control, Santa loves money, and Santa isn’t willing to give either of them up.

Yeah! Bet y’all didn’t expect this entry to get so dark, huh? That’s what I’m here for! Tomorrow will be much lighter as I explore the amazing and always hilarious world of the Muppets. No, not a Muppet Christmas Carol(That’s next week!). But A Very Merry Muppet Christmas, one of my favorite muppet movies of all time. See you then!

#elf #25 days of christmas #christmas #movies #reviews #signal boost #is anyone reading this

The Grinch- 2000

So I’m going to start this review with something I somehow never caught on my many previous viewings of this movie that I also had pointed out to me by my lovely sister. When the baby Grinch lands on his new parents doorstep (more on THAT later), the adults are having what appears to be a pretty wild party. That in and of itself isn’t really that big of a deal; people have been having a little too much fun at parties for ages and it’s been shown many times in movies aimed at kids. What has been shown in children’s movies a little less frequently are key parties. We see that one of the Whos are loading a bunch of car keys into a bowl and giggling excitedly. For those of you who don’t know what a key party is allow me to ruin your innocence. A key party is a party in which a group of married or coupled adults put all of their car keys into one bowl. Then, the bowl is passed around and people take a random set of car keys out. Whoever owns the keys then goes home with that person. To “play scrabble”. Baby Grinch is left out outside all night because all of the adults inside were too busy “playing scrabble” to notice an infant stuck in a tree. That’s got to be a difficult way to start out life.

Now I’m not one to judge how people spend their free time with loved ones but I do think you should probably be careful when tiny infants are outside on your doorstep. You can’t just leave babies outside in the middle of the night in the late fall/early winter (I’m looking at you, Dumbledore), no matter how much fun you are having!

Speaking of the Whos having fun- I can’t help but wonder if the key party and babies coming from bassinets in the sky is related. It’s very Brave New World, if you ask me. Because procreation is a separate entity than ‘scrabble playing’, Whos may have decided to be more open minded and liberal with their scrabble sessions. Everyone is on their own whether you consider who whopravity or wholightenment, but I, for one, say that as long as everyone is an adult, consenting, and no infants are being neglected in wintery conditions, more power to you. You do you.

Once again, I want to make it clear as I did in my last Grinch entry, I absolutely do not support stealing Christmas. Breaking into people’s homes to steal their property is a pretty big felony and it’s especially bad if you are doing it to steal their Christmas cheer. That being said….

I can absolutely understand where the Grinch is coming from. The Grinch is clearly an extreme introvert with pretty intense social anxiety*, who is also battling the conflicting feeling of loneliness. According to his own words, he leaves his house very rarely. After Cindy Lou-Who (who is much more than two in this…) informs him that he has won the Cheermiester Award he wrestles with his desire to go and accept his award and his fear and distaste for leaving his comfort zone. After debating all day, and with some encouragement from Max, he finally musters up the courage to go only to be immediately overwhelmed by people. What follows would be literally hell for someone who is introverted or socially anxious, let alone both. He’s confronted by the shocking reality of seeing his caregivers again whom he abandoned after a traumatic event and then immediately forced into a bright Christmas sweater which states his love of Christmas, which is a blatant lie. He hates Christmas because of the childhood trauma he suffered through. Wearing a shirt claiming to love it is an insult to that trauma. Then, he verbally states that he is overwhelmed and that the entire episode is “too much too soon!” and his protests are completely ignored. Once again, this is extremely messed up. We are living in a culture that is constantly and subtly telling children that their no’s don’t’ really mean no. If someone says no or that they are overwhelmed, you need to listen! After being coerced into the “Cheer chair” and paraded around in front of a group that consists of a bunch of people he doesn’t know, the girl he was in love with, and his bully, he is then force fed various puddings and cakes. Finally, everything culminates in him being confronted with his worst memory by his worst enemy. People who have suffered trauma aren’t always able to control their reactions to triggers when they are presented them without warning. I think it’s absolutely understandable that he freaks out at the Whos. Again, this isn’t to say that it was right to steal Christmas, but I can’t blame him at all for feeling so upset.

Not that any of that really matters anyway. As we learn in the opening and closing credits of the movie, this entire Who universe takes place on a falling snowflake. Obviously, the Whos perceive time differently(we see that they are celebrating their 1000 whobilation) but eventually, whether in who time it’s a day or it’s a million years, eventually that snow flake will fall to Earth(presumably), when that happens, that snow flake will melt and converge with other snowflakes. Perhaps it will land on someone’s hair or nose, perhaps it will hit pavements, but wherever it lands, it will destroy the Whoverse. The Whos are unknowingly careening towards an evitable apocalypse that could happen at any moment. All of their lives could be wiped away in an instant. That’s TERRIFYING!

And on that apocalyptic note, I’ll leave you for today. Sorry for the slightly shorter entry today. I’ve got some personal things going on in my life which is making writing/finding the holiday spirit difficult but thank you for bearing with me! Love you all and tomorrow I watch Elf! See you then!

*It should be noted that not all introverts suffer from social anxiety and conversely, not all people with social anxiety are introverts. The Grinch just happens to be an individual who is both introverted and socially anxious.

#25 days of christmas #the grinch #christmas #movies #reviews #signal boost

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