Peekies

twin peaks enthusiast.

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5 weeks of Summer/5 Seasons of Angel

This is my most far-fetched analogy of all my analogies on everything I’ve ever analyzed ever. I’d like to think that I overthink/overanalyze things when I was younger but have to the conclusion of just self-realizing things these days. I have anxiety; I’ll always overthink things because…I have anxiety(but no seriously that’s what anxiety is). But what started-out as just my weird and odd way of comparing my real life to my shows ended-up being so true and sensible.  

So that 5 weeks of summer was equivalent to the 5 seasons of Angel(If you don’t know it. Google it. If you haven’t watched it. You’ve been missing out.). This is a weird analogy but it makes sense…to me that is.

So after a month of doing nothing really—the 5 weeks of summer started. The first week was like Angel Season 1. It felt new, fresh and hopeful. Just like how hopeful the dynamic between Angel/Cordelia/Doyle was and where the series would eventually go. The 1st week of summer was tiresome and would take time to get used to but everything ended-up coming into place. On a side note—we were feeling kind of lost because there’s just random moments for people like me that just feels like that for unknown reasons. It’s not depression. It’s just a feeling of being lost. No reason is needed, it is just what it is. This feeling of being lost was like when Doyle died on “Hero”. It was random and unexpected—it felt rushed and numb. It took time to recover and eventually we got there. Ultimately just like how everything fell into place—came Wesley. Now, it was a different dynamic—the Angel/Cordelia/Wesley dynamic was different from their dynamic with Doyle and that was okay. Finally having the grasp on how the system works on that 1st week was like how naturally the transition to the original OT3 of Angel would be. So, the next couple of days were eventful and productive. Just like the continuing growth and development on Angel Season 1—which eventually found its place somewhere along the season. In conclusion, the 1st week was like Angel Season 1—we were trying to find our footing and was hopeful to what was ahead. I remember vividly how at this time—I tweeted that Angel was feeling disconnected from life in Season 1 but then he realized that Wesley and Cordelia are his life…and that I needed my Wesley and Cordelia in real life as well. And honestly—I did eventually found my Wesley and Cordelia.

Now the 2nd week was when it started to turn a little bit. Just like Angel’s “turn” on Season 2. It wasn’t a “bad” week per se—it was just slightly emotional on some days. You know as much as how I’d like to be that person that doesn’t compare myself to other people—I’m human and it does hurt to be treated differently just because…you’re different. Other than for a day—it wasn’t a “bad” week…not that any of the weeks were “bad” but some were just more emotionally scarring than others. That one emotional day was like when Angel fired Wesley/Cordelia/Gunn and he went on by himself while they stayed and helped the helpless. It’s hard to explain the analogy but it’s sort of like that. Eventually the team reunited and Angel found his way back. Just like the rest of the week that went considerably well and fine. To conclude, the 2nd week was like Angel Season 2 for the fact that it was the subtle start to what would eventually be a very intense next couple of weeks/seasons. And just like Angel’s constant struggle to do what’s right and what matters—I always lose sight of what’s really important when days gets rough but eventually like Angel having his “Epiphany”—I eventually had my own.

“If there's no great glorious end to all this, if nothing we do matters... , then all that matters is what we do. 'Cause that's all there is. What we do. Now. Today. I fought for so long, for redemption, for a reward, and finally just to beat the other guy, but I never got it.”

“Not all of it. All I wanna do is help. I wanna help because, I don't think people should suffer as they do. Because, if there's no bigger meaning, then the smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world.”

The 3rd week was when I definitely realized that my Angel analogy was actually becoming reality. Because like Angel which made its ‘switch’ towards about halfway through Season 3--halfway through the week; a drastic change of events happened. It’s painfully depressing to put all your eggs in one basket and for you to just f*ck all of it. It was my fault. I take fully blame. It’s kind of like when Wesley kidnapped Connor and didn’t even explain it to any of his team and just took all the blame for himself towards the end of the Season?--what was THAT about? It was just a drastic blur looking back; just like the final episodes of the Season was. It wasn’t “bad” at all means--it was just so drastically different and unexpected that it all was too overwhelming. The slow isolation of Angel Investigations was like all the hope at the 1st week slowly isolating and going farther to my reach. It’s not me being so negative and “giving-up”--it is just a realistic thought at THAT moment in time. What you may feel may not always be positive and good but that’s fine--it’s okay and NORMAL to feel differently. We’re not programmed to feel a certain way like droids. It’s like Wesley’s “start” of him transitioning into what would eventually be our Wesley. Watching him slowly lose all the attributes that made me love him and completely become a whole different persona but still making me love him is like a very complex analogy on why people feel how they feel. Ultimately at the end of the week--we felt beaten-down(NOT literallly) and just more lost than usual. Kind of like how Season 3 ended…what was that about?

Now the 4th week is the exact same intensity as Angel Season 4. It was INTENSE. Season 4 was weird and odd and complex and random and INTENSE--just like the 4th week. It’s hard to describe how it was when so many emotions and thoughts were running all at once. It was just very intense. Season 4 was oddly weird but still keeps you interested because you’ve been with those people for about 3 Seasons by then. It was like me trying to remember why I picked the path where I am now--I hate to be brutally honest but at THAT moment we were regretting it. We wanted a DeLorean to fix everything. We wanted everything to go back. We wanted to take a different route and be weak and take the easy way out. That’s the truth to what THAT moment was--and as mentioned…it was INTENSE. The moment in the week where it became clear that it was Angel Season 4 was when we completely broke down and had a meltdown and what I’d like to call the climax/the “Apocalypse, Nowish” moment of the week. It was INTENSE. And pretty much like the whole of Angel Season 4 which was like a blur of intense randomness--that was week 4. Looking back, pretty much how I look back on Season 4 as well--it wasn’t bad at any means. It was actually quite touching and heartwarming. In those really vulnerable days when I thought all hope was lost--it wasn’t. People in my life who I thought I would disappoint weren’t even mad or disappointed. They were just there. Loving me. And to equate to Season 4 which was intense mostly--there were moments which were endearing…”Spin the Bottle”…Wesley/Lilah…and other bits here and there. Concluding the week--after the ‘Apocalypse’ and all the intense weirdness. We finally went back “Home”. Just like how Season 4 ends with “Home”--which cooled down everything that has happened. It felt sincere, poignant and solace.

And finally on the 5th week which is undoubtedly Angel Season 5 in so many aspects. Season 5 which felt like a ‘repilot’ was how the last week felt. There was no intense and weird and odd feeling of disappointment with everything. It felt like week 1--it felt new, fresh and hopeful. To accept that things f*ck-up and don’t always go the way you always intended them to and to suddenly live a life you never thought you’d be living is LITERALLY Angel Investigations taking over Wolfram & Hart. (Wolfram & Hart is the perfect analogy for something but we’ll keep it mum…for now.) It a good/bad feeling that’s so complex that it would take a thousand books to explain. Just like the odd yet lovable new dynamic that Season 5 brought. It felt different but in a good way. It felt sudden but right. It was nearly perfect but it wasn’t. Now the last/5th week was good--we felt at peace and okay with life but of course internally the intensity of week 4/Season 4 left a mark and it’s not that we’re having a bad day--it’s just like there’s “A Hole in the World”…you don’t see it but it’s always gonna be there. And that’s why week 5/Season 5 was NEARLY perfection. There’s just always gonna be something missing whether it’s the initial goal that was lost or…Cordelia. As much as how amazing and perfect the dynamics were in Season 5--there was always someone missing. It was a single entity. But she was a big part. She was the heart. Just like motivation which let’s be real--it comes and goes. But along the way; time heals EVERYTHING. As with “You’re Welcome” which was brief but enough. At the end of it all--through hopeful beginnings, to slow lost of meaning, to drastic changes, the Apocalypse, and coming Home. It all eventually becomes one long experience of self-reflections and realizations. It can encompass 5 weeks/5 Seasons of one big blur of a memory but it would “Not Fade Away”.  

[peekiesblog]

An Open Secret – Happy Father’s Day.

Note: Just to be clear, NO this essay is NOT about that documentary that Hollywood tried to ban(but if you have time go watch that but bare in mind it is real, raw and disturbing).

For as long as I’ve been ranting and complaining about everything—I know I should really work on this and I am,,,slowly(like a sloth). This aspect of my life has been about 99.9% of all of it. It’s not something I discuss in the real world because it is the most complex and personal dynamic I have in my life. The rants I spontaneously tweet about are mostly in the moment frustrations because hello I’m me who has a temper that’s as size of a pebble—yes we are working on it.

Now “pops’ or as now referred to as Dad is the most complex dynamic I will ever have in my lifetime—it makes me feel happy, sad, angry, frustrated, loved, grateful, thankful and just every emotion there is. It’s not something I’m proud of—I hate being an ungrateful sissy on twitter and I regret it afterwards but it’s all in the spur of the moment or when I’m having my random midnight therapy session with myself. It is shameful but also I’d like to look back on it and remind myself that a moment in twitter isn’t necessarily for a lifetime. Plus, my twitter has been my open diary for as long as I’ve been on it. I tweet about mostly sad and frustrating stuffs but bare in mind that it’s all in a SELF-DEPRECATING tone in my head—oh and if you wanna tweet about sad and depressing things that’s okay because…it’s ‘your’ twitter(to be continued…teehee).

My relationship with my the Dad is so complicated that I’ve been reflecting on it for the past year and a half—to be fair, I’ve only started to realize the importance of finally recognizing things and understanding how it affects your mental state. I say mental state because Mental Health is A THING—it’s not seen but it’s THERE. Honestly, taking care of your mental health is  important(to be continued). To summarize my relationship with my dad—the negative parts are mostly just a constant mental back and forth. He’s an amazing father and a nice person but when he’s in his “moods”; he’d say things and never thinks about how it affects people. I’ve heard all the offensive things throughout my life and those people weren’t even in “moods”…they just are. They do bother me—though will never be a much of a magnitude as how I feel psychologically exhausted when I interact with my Dad. Because my Dad is my Dad; he’s family and as much as how I rant about them…they are my ride or die. It’s NOT always like this honestly, it’s rare-ish and happens randomly. He’s the kind of person who kind of CAN’T admit that he’s ever wrong so he blames you/other people every single time. At first it’s okay but after a couple of years you gets exhausted and worn-out. He also has a temper a size of a pebble(yes I know where I got it from)…and I got my anxieties from my Mama Kween. Mentally it is draining and when I THINK I’m in a good place in my life; most of the time he always ruins it and makes me forget about all the progress I’ve made and all that. He tries to change me all the time and compares me to everybody—I can’t stand those sorry I try. I won’t say that he triggered my depression phase last year but he definitely helped bring it about. Sometimes I feel like I’m playing slenderman in my own home because he makes me nervous. Overall—I still can’t fully comprehend every single detail that makes my relationship with my Dad so complex but it is mostly just a psychological battle and of course my yearly emotional breakdowns to go with it. It’s just words but his words means infinitely more to me that anyone else’s—he’s my Dad and all I ever want in life is to not disappoint him or any of my family. That is cheesy but it’s the truth sis. Since I was a kid—my anxieties would 99.5% focus on getting good grades to not be a disappointment to them, it’s all I ever wanted in life. Now, when I was a kid—he wasn’t like this; he was my superhero and he supported me when no one else did because no surprise here—I was that weird kid that the teachers hates because I was so quiet and got bullied a lot cause I wouldn’t talk back(yes it is sad but also accepting it makes it less sad). As I grew older—he became more…let’s say ‘mean’. And since then—that has formed my everlasting complex dynamic with Dad.

Now for the good things; it’s so easy to play the victim—I do this all the time. But when I do my random nightly therapy sessions—I like to understand every perspective to every situation because my perception will never be as exact as someone else’s perception. On my part—it is honestly my sensitiveness to everything; I’m so delicate to everything that I hate myself for it. I also overthink things that don’t matter. I psycho-analyze everything that happens and try to magnify something that isn’t there. I am an emotional breakdown waiting to happen mostly these days—self-accepting where I am at this point in time is also exhausting as it’s a constant “don’t fall back to that dark phase again”. And I’ve already pictured my Dad as this monster in my head that I quickly revolt back to all the anger and frustrations every single time.

But then random epiphanies happen—and I realize that these demons in your head that you thought were so bad for you aren’t even that bad. I was just too up close with it. Now after you erase that image in your head and you start to see a new image and a new dynamic in a good way—you just get SHOOKT(sorry I love this word). I’ve realized that I have the best Dad in the word—I will fight y’all on this one. He is the most hard-working person I have ever met. He has provided us with so much more than we deserve. He may not think when talks but he is the greatest support system I have in my life. I’ve had a random breakdown this year(it wasn’t about him) and it was the first time he’s ever seen me have a breakdown. He was there; he listened; he comforted me till I calmed down and he kept saying that everything will be alright. He made me feel loved. That was everything to me. He didn’t judge at all. He listened and he understood. I may think he’s not my superhero of a Dad anymore sometimes because my sensitivity gets the better of me but he still is and always will be. He, along with my Mama Kween, my Bro and our dogs will always come first with me. I’m not saying in a heated moment I won’t rant it out but deep down they are everything to me—I just forget most of the time.

 This is that aspect of my life that is so personal and precious to me that I would go insane not having a therapeutic reflection on it. I’m still learning and will always be learning about this “complex” dynamic we have—I say “complex” a lot because it is complex. It’s a lot of good and bad things mashed together. It’s complicated to understand in just a fleeting moment—it’s a continuous learning process that has helped me understand where I am at this point. Self-discovery sounds so bad when you write it down—by enumerating everything wrong with you and everything you hate blah blah blah but in my point-of-view; it’s been cleansing in a sense. Something back in 2017 just clicked—it just told me to just finally “see, understand, and work on it” on personal things I need to work on. I always hate being so open and honest because it’s so easy to interpret it as whining and just someone so depressed—but you can’t please everyone. Oh wells.

And with that…..

 When I say I don’t know why I started to be so open to these things. I may have lied. This one definitely helped. :’)

Happy Father’s Day Dad. I f*cking love you old man. <3

 Love,

me

 Reflection 2.

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Self-Acceptance…Love…and Worth.

Since school has “sort of” ended—I’d like to reflect on every aspect of my life so far in a healthy way because in the past 20 years of my life…I haven’t really done any reflecting at all. The year 2017 started-out as the lowest point in my life—I woke-up and I didn’t want to get-up AT ALL; wanted to lay there in bed and wait for the next worthless day to arrive. And then school started again—and my lazy a*s HAD to get-up and do something even slightly productive…so I did. Now school can drive you crazy and it has—I’ve had breakdowns partly because of it. School can make someone like me who has anxiety have MORE anxiety and to some degree it has but also to an unexplainable degree—it took my anxiety away. The fact that it is so fast and so intense workwise—I don’t have time to sit and overthink things I did wrong or should have done differently. Being in the moment never gave me time to breathe BUT that’s a good thing—there was a good amount of time when 2018 started where my anxiety was nowhere to be found.

What’s having anxiety like? It’s like constantly re-checking things that you’ve already checked A LOT. Like when you check if you have your keys with you and you saw that you did but then have to re-check it again because…you have anxiety and you want everything to be sure and in place. It’s a constant mental battle with yourself everytime you leave the house. It’s NOT like that ALL the time but when anxiety does happen--that’s what it looks like. It’s not easy but it’s not necessarily hard either…it’s just what it is.

And I always wonder if anxiety and OCD are the same?--maybe? Because I strongly believe I have OCD…as well(I have A LOT of things). It’s not that I don’t want to share things because I do(and I have) but I have this intense possessiveness to my things. I once had a breakdown because my mom cleaned my room and all my things got re-organized. Not because she cleaned my room because I love that but it is just my OCD being so intense that I can’t control it sometimes. Personally, it’s just that I like my things the way I remember them in my head and I’d like to think that when I buy things I’d use it for a LONG time and not have it lost when it gets borrowed. It’s hypocritical of me because I’ve DEFINITELY borrowed things and lost them--the difference was just they don’t have OCD. In the past months however--my OCD has gotten better…or has decreased intensity I’ll call it. I’m still very possessive with my things but in a much less anxious mindset.

Now ADHD--yes this is those people with tons of energy and CLEARLY that’s not me. I have no energy all the time. But they say people with ADHD can get distracted SO easily like when you’re doing something but a butterfly appears and you go chasing it. I’m not that. But this last year--we’ve changed…studying-wise. Before we can keep a goal set and focus on things we need to focus on before doing the things we wanted to do. We used to always be able to be productive BEFORE the Netflix&Chill part…but along the way we’ve kind of lost that. We definitely do still be productive--but we do also get distracted so easily and it’s okay…just have to get used to this different attitude towards things.

And of course, lastly is depression--I know it’s a sensitive subject and well it’s…depressing. But I ‘kind of’ went through a phase in the first half of 2017--specifically the summer. It was a dark dark dark phase in my life and the epitome of lowest of lows. I didn’t even thought I was having it until I wrote an essay about how the year was so far. It’s not something to be ashamed of honestly, and anyone who thinks otherwise…are free to think what they want. People will think what they want to think and that’s fine. You know your truth and that’s all that matters.

So, those are my learning this past 2017--to not be in denial and finally accepting that you’re going through things is the most rewarding feeling you can ever feel. Because what comes after next--is self-acceptance, self-love, and self-worth.

Here’s the thing--the fact that I had to go through the darkest timeline in my life to eventually experience the greatest timeline in my life was worth infinitely more than anything. Because when you’re in such a dark place--you reflect on EVERYTHING. The past 20 years of your life and just EVERYTHING. You realize things and you kind of understand. I spent A LOT of days just reflecting on everything--it’s like I’m my own therapist in a way. And I believe that’s healthy to take time and shut up and just reflect on things(but to each their own). That’s kind of when you realize that self-growth is a lifelong process and the moment you accept flaws and mistakes is the moment you TRULY start to grow.

  Reflection 1.

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Happy New Year 2018—A  Love Letter to 2017, With Love <3

“The Worst and Best Year of My Life”

This is just a normal reflection/rant about Year 2017--it’s not at all bad towards anything or anybody so relax. Also doing this yearly is very therapeutic.

Warning: If you don’t want to hear other opinions about 2017 then stop reading. Have a nice day and Happy New Year. ;D

Another warning: This is a general observation. We’re not shading anyone. If you think so then that’s all on you. ;)

PS: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING. CREDITS TO OWNERS.

Last warning: I will be tackling VERY sensitive subjects so if you can’t handle those then stop reading because it’s very sensitive. Also I am not in a dark place—this is just how I think back on 2017. :)

               My now annual year-end annoying rant about how the year was; take note this is just ‘our’ viewpoint not the general public. As a little crab in a big ocean of anything but shy—I’ll be “honest”(Waste. People see what they want to see.) and even have a say on sensitive trends this year. Bear in mind that I have Shane Dawson’s voice in my head while writing this. HashtagNotSpons.

               Coming into 2017—we’ve been more open to the idea of having depression and anxiety,adhd and even ocd and there’s nothing wrong with that. It is coincidental that it’s becoming a “trend” or news started to shed light about mental illnesses at the beginning of the year. I shouldn’t even call myself as someone with “depression” because I definitely did had a very dark phase somewhere in the summer but when life started to kick-in again—I didn’t wake-up feeling sad for no apparent reason, or just feeling useless and numb every morning(was that depression? I don’t really know). But since it has finally been talked about—believe me even I shrugged away the ‘mental illnesses’ articles I used to scroll down to just because I’ve never been in a phase similar to what that felt like or just not open to admitting I have. People talk about depression A LOT and they don’t even know a single ounce of what it is—it is ignorance of just BS but that’s alright I guess? At least it is being talked about with the “Keep Going” movement or all the support and all that.

Also to the hoes(again Shane’s voice talking) who thinks it’s ‘easy’ to turn-off depression just like that? Then why wouldn’t they have done that? You think musicians or comedians wanted to have depression all their lives?—nope.

               I never wanted to make an essay about this because issues like this is deemed taboo and society here doesn’t really take it seriously and they look at you differently like you’re not “normal”(What really is normal?). So people who are suffering from depression, or anxiety, adhd, ocd or any other mental issues; I want you to know that it’s okay to be different, yes it’s hard and makes life more challenging and all that but you all don’t owe society anything other than kindness. You don’t owe them to turn-off your depression just cuz they want you to. And let’s be real—I’m quiet, shy, and very weird(sry just me) so bullying has definitely happened to me; yes embarrassed to admit that when I was younger but 2017 has been very eye-opening. So bullying is a norm—it happens everywhere at any time. I personally don’t think ’13 Reasons Why’(I haven’t watched it sry) as impactful as it is won’t fully make bullying disappear or anything in protest of bullying would but at least it is being talked about and acknowledged and you only hope for the best. I brought-up bullying because as much as how I was bullied growing-up—I NEVER(take note) thought of suicide because as much as how I was that kid who kind of hated life and felt no self-love AT ALL…I always deep down loved my life and wanted to succeed and build something with myself and maybe change the world someday. But I DO understand people who are so stuck in a dark phase that they can’t get-out of and feel the only answer is suicide—it’s not that hard to imagine why they would ultimately come to that conclusion. And I understand people who say that people who commit suicide are ‘selfish’ because they are leaving behind people who love them and a world for them but also I understand why they would snap(It’s a cruel world out there). This isn’t a letter to people who are in a dark place because this would be a HORRIBLE letter to them but just an observation of how majority of society sees things that are happening. But I do want people in a dark place right now to know that as cheesy as it sounds—It really does get better. Believe me it does. I’m rooting for you all and you’re all loved. :)

               Now let’s talk about Hollywood—I’m just a dumb 20 year old girl and have no say in the world in any matter but THIS year it was a lot to take-in. The continued Hollywood name-drops and MeToo movement was so overwhelming as the second-half of 2017 tackles more suppression and hurt. I’m just very fascinated by Hollywood—and no I’m not talking about the TV shows or Movies but the actual Hollywood that’s had so many conspiracy theories and all that sheyt(I am slowly becoming more open to this fascination bcuz Shane Dawson is Kween). They always say sex and money go together and I did always visualized Hollywood as a kinda gross place because it is all rooted in power. Now tbh I never knew who HW was before all this sheyt but hoe I surely know him now—and this flood-gated to all these name-drops every-single day and we’re all SHOOKT(well some aren’t) but either ways it had to take someone to speak-out to FINALLY have this issue talked about which is apparently just a normal thing. Now sexual harassment; I don’t know why I’m talking about this and I definitely don’t know how those people feel…just to be clear. But you can’t talk about 2017 without talking about this—and honestly how can you NOT talk about it? I’ve read few articles and all but not the full details so I’m still blurred with all of it but I will say that my biased self was VERY affected by the ‘Kevin Spacey’ one because let me tell you that “American Beauty” is and still is my most beloved movie of my whole existence. Funny story when I was young we bought a local disc filled with random movies—now we thought we clicked on “American Pie”(don’t judge me with your Fifty Shades of Grey minds) but we ended-up sitting there watching “American Beauty” on a random rainy afternoon and I was dumb and I didn’t care about films back then but THAT exact day changed the way we see everything—it was the day I fell in love with filmmaking and ultimately my TV Show obsession started(How can you judge me but not the kdrama ppl? I never judge them?). I love films(GREAT ones) and TV shows that makes you fall in love to the point of binging the whole series in about a few days. It’s this passion for this art that makes us forget about our anxiety and serves as an escape from reality for a while. But going back to the Kevin Spacey allegations—I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting a little bit but he did handled it poorly and as an actor I still honestly do love him…as a human being maybe not so much anymore but oh wells. And I recently just watched Dustin Hoffman being grilled by John Oliver and it was amazing—this issue makes me so conflicted on SO MANY aspects. I understand that most of them happened decades ago but I also understand how these women/or men feel when those they alleged doesn’t acknowledge it happened—I get the anger and frustration and need to feel empowered. Also the “people who knew”—this one conflicts me the most. Now I won’t say that saying something is big act of bravery but I will say that not saying anything is a great act of cowardice. I don’t think that shunning them away from the rest of the world is the way to go though and also as much as how most of them are men—I do not at all support hate on men in general. Because they can be a bunch of sexist hoes but there are good men out there. This issue makes me overthink so many aspects of every situation and that’s why this is all over the place because there’s too much to say really. So I’ll just say that I live very far away from Hollywood but this break in silence and movement has personally made me love myself a little bit more. I don’t know what the connection of this to my journey of self-love but for some unearthly reason—we ended-up loving our self by the end of 2017. I love them, I’m happy for them and I support them. I never think we’ll fully achieve that “perfect” society; it’s impossible but we are moving forward and that’s what’s important. Hollywood should clean up a bit for a while. I truly believe this shifted society and made people think—so Keep Moving Forward Kweens. <3

               *Also “Ally McBeal” would have had one hell of a ‘MeToo” episode but then I realized they already did. (Season 2, Episode 12 “Love Unlimited”. YOU’RE WELCOME).

               Also I forgot to mention they still have an orange for President. Very consistent BS literally every single day on my timeline—Yea…orange should be imPEACH(get it? LOL I’ll stop).

               And not to mention that I’m very late on this fandom but watching Youtubers this year definitely change my life. Too many on the list to name but honestly I’m very thankful I randomly clicked on one video one day and opened-up a whole world for me. :D <3

              I wanted to tackle so many things but I just realized that it would take A LOT of time to even process everything that has happened this year. I wanted to tackle every episode of Black Mirror S4 and how much it’s connected to reality but that would take-up a whole book so nope. I believe that Charlie Brooker said that 2016 was like a long episode of Black Mirror but 2017 definitely takes that title now. I will say that people online are .0000000001% of who they truly are. Human beings is a very complex species that would take a lifetime to decipher. That’s all.

               As I write this I didn’t realize how long-a*s it was gonna be but then again A LOT happened in 2017—honestly the worst and best year of my life. It started off very dark and feeling lost and useless but slowly believe me it got better—for someone like me who always wanted everyone to like me even though honestly they could give a rat’s a*s about you…well young dumb me realized to f*ck that and give myself self-love finally after 20 years. I still overthink some things and I have gotten into public breakdown this year—NEVER thought that would ever happen but hear me out; a man who you don’t even know being a sexist chauvinistic waste of a person exposing all his power and D*ckhood everytime you come by DESERVES a little shouting back in his life. Dear man, I don’t hate you but you did need a little ultimatum even once in your life—I wanted to grow from that and I wish you will too. Anyways ultimately the biggest learning from this year is growth, development and self-love(this feels amazing I promise you). I still got flaws and I will always have flaws—I have failed so many times in my life and a biggest lie is to say I won’t fail again but you do good and you be better in the process. Don’t be afraid to be imperfect. I also want to thank my patient family for putting-up with me—they are everything to me plus our dog makes me instantly happy to be alive.

               I’m very preachy but last message to humanity—continue to evolve where people don’t have to “come-out” anymore because it’s 2017(or 2018?) it shouldn’t be an issue anymore right? Plus people from the LGBTQ+ are like any one of us—and if your argument is because you’re “Catholic” then your reason is invalid and ignorance. The color of your pigment shouldn’t matter. Having no make-up shouldn’t matter. Being a plus size shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of. Being different is beautiful. And having a different outlook on life shouldn’t be deemed indifferent. LoveWins. Always.

And with…thank you 2017. Cheers 2018! <3

Happy New Year y’all!!!

My quote every New Year’s Eve:

“If you think back, and replay your year - if it doesn’t bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted.”–by Biscuit <3

And Don’t You Forget. That Life is Beautiful.

*inserts VERY random things that makes me happy and think Life is Beautiful*

*inserts every episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.*

*inserts every taste test, Kween Trisha Paytas’ Mukbangs, and worthy gaming videos*

and this.....

Happy New Year, I love and miss you Granny :’)

Love,

[peekiesblog]

My Love Letter, With Love

A Love Letter…..

              August 5th, 2017. It was a Saturday. It was a normal day—if you knew me you’d know how fairly boring my life is…it’s “boring” for other people who goes to different lengths of the world and does things outside their home. I however, stay at home and feed our puppy. I also watch TV with my mom sometimes to relive my anxiety and all that—my life’s fairly boring for other people; for me however I’m contented and very much happy in our little home. I could sit and binge a series and be happy—it doesn’t take a lot for me to feel satisfied with my activities. I am however the most introverted person you’ll know so that would always differentiate me to most of the people around. Yeah, I’ve learned to be more internally honest with myself this past summer and it’s been a very therapeutic journey so far.

               Now, it was barely only 2 days left before summer ends and reality creeps-up again. It was normal and easy—mom cooked me breakfast(cuz she’s the best), I fed our new puppy, I ate and took a bath, I watch videos on Youtube, then a few moments later I discovered that the Games of Thrones 7x04 episode was leaked so I of course downloaded it immediately and watched as soon as possible—if you knew my summer, it was basically waiting every week for a new episode of The Bachelorette and Game of Thrones(I am a very genre-fluid person. I watch everything)…and since school was about to start again—the ‘leak’ was the best thing to ever happen to my fangirl-self. And I’m NOT overhyping because it was THAT GOOD. So, again TV series can make me easily happy—I don’t ask for much. The day was of course on a “high” at that time. I took a nap that afternoon(because why not?)—and that’s when it happened. I got woken-up by the ring of our telephone. I was still lying in bed just barely opening my eyes. I heard my mom shout something as she answered the telephone. I have bad hearing(another flaw in myself that is a laughing case for others) so I didn’t know what that was about. I ended-up falling asleep again. I woke-up feeling ‘off’. I even turned my TV on that night to watch something—if you must know, I haven’t used my TV for centuries now. Then I, even with that afternoon nap…STILL fell asleep.

               The next morning—it still felt ‘off’. It just felt weird. So, I got up wanting to start the day as usual—I walked downstairs and mom was writing down groceries(because we do groceries on Sundays). I was headed outside to check on our new pup. She stopped me however. And that’s when she told me.

“Grandma passed away…..”

               I’m a very in denial person so most of the time I convince myself that one thing wasn’t really what it was. You see when I woke-up from my nap the day before and heard my mom shout at the telephone…I knew something bad happened. And internally, I kind of knew what it was. But I led myself to believe that it wasn’t though because I’m in denial—I don’t want to put a finality on something until someone tells me personally. You could say I’m fooling myself.

               So, when my mom told me that our grandma passed away—it did hit hard and it made me feel hollow inside. I didn’t really know what to say in these scenarios. The day was too sudden to make-up everything that happened. On the first few hours after I learned the bad news—I felt numb.

               A few hours later—I still felt numb. Then as me, my dad and my brother drove to my grandma’s wake…I started to feel everything. The grief. The sadness. The overwhelming desire to change the course of life so desperately but can’t. I held it in though—I don’t like people seeing me cry…but I do cry A LOT(I cry easily)…but I cry by myself inside my room most of the time.

               As we reached back home—I blocked-out all my emotions again. I started to play with our pup for a little bit and then I went straight to my room afterwards. That’s when I broke down. That’s when the numbness and hollowness inside started to fall to pieces. It all came crashing down.

               Recapping the summer—I experienced slight depression for a few weeks but started to love myself more towards the end of the summer. I was in a really good place in my life at the time. Until of course when our grandma passed away then I started to feel my depression creep-up again. It didn’t though.

               My grandma was a good person. She loved everybody and she meant it. She never asked for anything. She didn’t need anything because she was everything. She really was. When I was young, when my mom was taking care of my brother and dad was working—my grandma would be the one to take care of me. There’s this one memory that’s seared to my head for some reason—it was that time when my grandma MADE/PUSHED me to eat vegetables she cooked. I tried everything to avoid it(because I hated vegetables when I was young…I still do) but then I tried it and I liked it. And she gave me the “I told you so…” look. That’s the memory that’s seared in my head—I’ll never know why but I’ve cherished it for the longest time.

               That big dog stuff-toy on the header was from my granny. You see one time—when mom and I took her to the mall when I was young-ish…she saw that on display and asked me ‘If I wanted it because she’ll buy it for me…”. I said ‘no’ of course. She as she always was kept asking if I wanted it and I kept saying no until she finally stopped and said “okay…”. Then, the following day(I think?)—she came by our house with that big dog stuffy in her hand. I of course felt embarrassed—one thing you should know about me is that I feel ‘embarrass’ when I disturb someone’s time or money or just anything. And internally, of course I kind-of did wanted it because look how adorable. But that’s not what I always remember about that memory. I’ll always remember trying desperately for her not to buy me the thing and her finally agreeing but still did it anyways. She was one of the very few people in my life that loves me for me; not trying to control or change me—she made me feel accepted. I’ve only felt that on very few people and she was one of them.

               This was a letter that is selfishly for my part because I needed to let it out. I’m a very emotional person—I feel everything that’s why I cry at even the most slightest of reasons(I hate myself for that). The storm of emotions has slightly passed these few days because school kept my mind occupied for a while but I do still feel hollow sometimes. I even feel guilty when I laugh at anything because I feel like I shouldn’t be happy this time.

               So, that’s how I spent my summer. From battling depression to slowly starting to love myself a little bit more and growing(I always say I’m my own therapist because I am). To finally being in a really good place in my life then to be on a ‘high’ from that leaked GoT episode to my depression slowly creeping back-in when my grandma passed away. Now, that wasn’t a joke because you could be COMPLETELY happy for a second and just lose everything the next. Life’s sudden. It happens. And to slowly trying to recover and not lose the love that I started to build upon these last few months. That was one hell of a way to end a summer—I’ll never forget it.

August 10th, 2017. Tomorrow would be her burial. And I just needed to remember her before all of it.

That’s about it. One of the saddest moments in my life.

 I love and miss you Grandma. Always.

 Love, me

[peekiesblog]

The Year So Far.....

2017 so far…..

              I usually write these personal and re-evaluation of my life whenever New Year’s Eve hits but I feel the need to just write something down this early.

P.S.: Don’t worry the depressing and sad parts are all in a harmless and self-deprecating voice in my head particularly I imagine my Kween Shane Dawson saying them.

              So to recap the last months of last year 2016 was what I called “rough”—and where I realized what kind of hellmouth I chose my life path to lead. It’s my fault though, I chose it and I should live with it and do my best. It wasn’t really that bad if you’re NOT me who constantly remember being humiliated and reliving the past all over again when I find myself unoccupied. But it honestly wasn’t that “rough”—it thought me to be more mature and not cry like a baby(kidding I still do. As soon as I reached home and unpacked my backpack. I lay in bed and Niagara Falls just stream down as I continue with school works. I wasn’t angry or sad…I just had to let it out I guess?). But it did thought me a lot of things…I got humiliated a lot this past school year and never cried once ‘in school’ that is but if you know me I cry easily so that’s ‘kind of’ growth I guess?

              That was the ending months of 2016 though—now 2017 is so far different. It’s not “rough”. It’s excruciating, fun, humiliating, exciting, sad, happy, pathetic, worthwhile, depressing and eye-opening. It was every emotion possible combined. It was a sad and depressing road if you’re a slow dumb*ss like me(again in my head this is Shane Dawson’s voice talking). Now, when it was all happening—there was no time to even process all the emotions on those moments that it all kind of came crashing down this summer.

              This summer of 2017 started-off okay and weird—nothing was really hitting me until towards the middle of June maybe? I don’t remember when or why it started but my depression was in full effect since then. I wouldn’t say I’ve been battling depression all my life—I mean I get depressed but I usually get over it as soon as I vent it out on twitter but this one’s different. Everyday I wake-up with the same daily routine that I’m not used to. I wake-up, I start to think of depressing memories even way back when I was younger which I never did before, then afterwards my chest feels heavy and I let out a random bursts of tears just to let it pass by and it does as the day goes by—but then the next days the cycle just repeats itself over again. The only times when I don’t feel the sense of depression is when I play games or watch YT videos or just when my mind’s pre-occupied by something but as soon as I finished what I’m doing—the overwhelming rush of anxiety and tears just automatically hits. Now, I do feel like it’s because 2016-2017 has given me back my anxiety issues which went away for a couple of while and now it’s back and much more intense apparently. Now, I just self-diagnosed myself and don’t really know what this overwhelming depression is—actually I do. I’ve been re-examining myself a lot these days and I have been more open to self-deprecatingly laugh at my flaws and mistakes and f*ckery. I’d thank Shane for that. But anyways, I’m fully aware and idgaf that I’m weird and awkward—and also cares too much about other people that I can’t even defend myself so I just keep mum all the time. And as mentioned I’m slow and a d*mbass(see don’t feel pity and watch Shane Dawson videos to know why) so authorities just hate me in general. I don’t blame them because even I hate me. But also—they’re one of the most unfair group of people I’ve ever encountered but they’re authority so I’ll just keep mum.

              Along with hating myself and all that; I’ve learned to love myself a little more these last few days. Now, I know I’m not a Kween like my Kween but I know I’m a good person. I’m selfish and arrogant and aloof sometimes but I never harm anybody. I never tried to humiliate anyone for the laughs. Or act like I’m better than anybody(bcuz how can I when I’m the dumbest?). I let others do what they do and never judge because that’s how my brain works(which is apparently rare). I can also admit that I’m a hypocrite because I’ve definitely done those things even once in my existence—but definitely not recently because as much as how I consider human race as “evil”; as to how the News mostly portrays us—It’s the most simplest of actions just to be kind to other people. It’s not that hard. Just don’t be a d*ck.

              Overall, this whole essay was just a stress-reliever to stop me from getting my daily anxieties and getting depressed. I also had to vent out as I always do. And I fully know that I’m whining about nothing because everyone goes through these things but I also know that if I keep internalizing these thoughts I’ll go insane.

              To cap-off—I’ll probably continue having these moments of depression until it goes away when my life would be occupied by school again maybe but certainly not all failed. In the wake of depression—which is maybe my lowest of lows…I’ve also gained self-love. I understand they’re the complete opposites and it doesn’t make sense but it’s hard to explain. Everything about life is hard to explain. And I’ll probably never know what the meaning of life truly is or why it keeps going through ups and downs but I know that it’s all about growth and development.

              I’ve never been open to my flaws before I met My Kween—and I honestly feel like many people aren’t open to accepting their flaws and the sad parts of life. I’m pessimistic I know. I’m also realistic and open to embracing the depressing and dark sides of the fascicles of my life. It’s hard and it makes life more ‘rough’ but it’s worth it I promise. Maybe my depression has brought me to the idea that ‘the bad outweighs the good’ this year so far but I know I’m wrong. ‘The good outweighs the bad’ always. From every misstep comes a lot of learnings. With bad there’s always good—and vice-versa. It’s kind of like humans—there’s always ‘good’ there…society just pushes the bad rather than the good that’s all.

And with that, hats-off.....

Go suck a d*ck. Don’t be a d*ck. Be kind.

#Kween #ShaneDawsonspons #Spons #hashtagsarelame

Love, me. :)

TeeHee.

[peekiesblog]

Happy New Year 2017--A Love Letter to 2016

~On this day of December 31,2016 marks the end of an era--which is the year of “2016″.

-----I don’t usually write sappy year-end summaries on what the whole year was like but I’ll make an exception because “2016″ was special. Special for the fact that it started out alright(I think?) and ended-up being the most excruciatingly depressing and intense year of agonizing fails and misfortunes.

-----I got humiliated on the very first try for being a dumba*s and not knowing the basics. Weekly being reminded that I’m such a slow-learning imbecile. Thinking how life was unfair. With my OCD and paranoia slowly getting worse and being pessimistic on everything I ever did. Doing everything but never really getting there. The rest of the world became different too. A member of the orange species became the elected president somewhere. The Bunch lost their mother. We lost ‘Faith”. We lost our Princess. and her Mother. And so many more. It felt like one bad nightmare after the other. It was Sad. Depressing. Intense. Excruciating. and. Difficult. To say the least, it was a rough year. I always thought that high school was Hellmouth when the social clique and peer pressure was the only thing that mattered--then college happens and you realize what Life really looks like. And to add to that is “2016′s” weird way of saying “Welcome to the Real World kid...you’re gonna love it.”.

-----But after all the rant(and that’s not even half of it)--I woke-up to this last day of 2016 re-evaluating the year and life in general. All throughout 2016; I felt rather lost but okay nonetheless. There were sad moments this year but looking back-- Even with all the feeling of worthlessness. I WOULDN’T give this year up for the world. Yes, it was rough but rough doesn’t last...not a lifetime...nor a year...or even a week. The only thing that lasts is Love--because it’s the only thing that’s endearing for a Lifetime.

-----Even with all the drama that felt like the whole world was one scripted show. There were still a lot of Laughs. and Love.

-----I get that ranting is the most childish way to express yourself but what the heck--I owe 2016 THAT much for everything it gave me. I really have no right to complain. I have the most excruciating family that drives me mad for most of the time but I love them so much more than life itself.

~So Farewell 2016. Thanks for ALL the learnings. All the Experiences. And all the Love. and Lots. More.

My quote every New Year’s Eve since last year:

"If you think back, and replay your year - if it doesn't bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted."--by Biscuit <3

And Don’t You Forget. That Life is Beautiful.

P.S.: Cheers 2017 <3

#LoveisLoveisLoveisLoveisLove

[peekiesblog]

A Love Letter.....Part 1

2015 – A Life Changer.

Ally McBeal Review a.k.a MY IMAGINARY THESIS FOR MY IMAGINARY COLLEGE.

WARNING: This contains SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! So you have been warned!

PS: DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED ALLY MCBEAL. YOU WILL GET SPOILED AND WILL REGRET IT. SHOO.

P.S. More: THIS IS JUST ME RAMBLING/RANTING ABOUT MY FANGIRL FEELS. IT’S VERY LONG. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

And I give credit to those pics I used. Thank you.

Ally McBeal

           I’ve seen a lot of shows which I come across and watch just to try something out but I ended-up completely investing SO MUCH into them…like I feel lost when I finish that show.

           Now…”Ally McBeal” was NEVER really one of those shows that I was expecting to completely fall in love with. I’ve heard of it. I’ve read about it somewhere sometimes. But I certainly never would have thought EVER that it would eventually become one of the most life-turning shows that I would remember for always.

           I don’t like Law. I don’t like Law shows that much or anything related to Law tbh. That subject always disinterests me. Plus politics bugs me. But one random day I found myself so eager to start-up a new show to binge over…and as I remember I was pacing back and forth between “Gilmore Girls” or “Felicity”…I think? So I don’t know how “Ally McBeal” ever came into the mix but I just remember looking it up on imDb and reading comments and I guess that was kind of it. That was that.

           So I watch the “Pilot”—c’mon from THAT very first scene itself…I was kind of hypnotized or whatever that was. The very first scene with the bg music and the narration and flashbacks and Ally looking at the window. It felt very different. Very odd. Very worthwhile. And it was. I mean there were special effects and all that which was very overwhelming the first time around but what REALLY-TRULY got me was just the characters in general. I mean every-single-character is so well defined. I found myself falling in love with them really slowly…that was enough for me to keep watching. Great characters with great chemistry and I’ll love that show so much it’d hurt.

           Season 1—If I had to describe this whole season in 1 word…it’d probably be “poignant”. I don’t know…it’s just when I look back and replay Season 1 in my head, all I remember is how carefully handled those characters were, how they were introduced, what their view-points in life were, how they behaved, their awkward yet endearing quirks, the oddity in their cases. They all seemed so fragile to me in Season 1…NOT in a bad way but they were just SO SO SO precious that season. They were babies.

And yes, I loved every single character. The characterizations are really what drove me to ‘awe’ and just want to keep watching. The cast has one of the most perfect cast-chemistry I’ve ever seen. I mean sheer-perfection. And the character-dynamics is just unbelievable. Here’s why: Because when I first watched this I thought this would be a very predictable show…it’s like a romcom where Billy&Ally get back together in the end but it wasn’t. The dynamics were so complex and layered and nothing I expected happened. One of the most profound and interesting things I found is how different this show tackled certain storylines…it’s never 1-sided or obvious what would eventually happen. I found that rare and I just fell so much harder for this show as the season went on.

Ally is definitely one of my most loved characters now—she was so flawed and imperfect that I found her so perfect(If that makes sense), Billy was like the good guy who was Ally’s ex who is so charming that you cannot NOT love him, Richard Fish(well I pretty much fell in love with him even before watching the show…I read imDb and loved him instantly for some reason) was Richard with his ‘Fishisms’ and ‘Bygones’, Elaine was the annoying(I don’t hate her…but I do think they intended her to be “annoying”) secretary that I fell in love with along the way, Renee was the best-friend who talks in a provocative-sense and I didn’t mind…she was so the opposite of Ally in Season 1 and I loved it, John Cage was like this unpredictable hurricane that came along with his eccentricities and weirdness and I loved him so darn much, and lastly Georgia who’s Billy’s wife—see she holds a very special space in me because her character kind of solidified the ‘feel’ of the show for me, because when she was first introduced…I was ready to hate her because she’s the ‘wife’ who stole the ex-boyfriend and I was really dumb for stereotyping her and this show as that predictable romance shows that have the “obvious” pairing to end-up together and the one in between would just be a useless character who complicates things BUT didn’t happened on this show. NEVER(well maybe once or twice…..). But in regards to the Ally-Billy-Georgia love triangle. It wasn’t predictable. It was complex and may be the most mature depiction of a ‘love-triangle’ I’ve ever watched EVER. I love how Georgia was her own character and that her marriage with Billy wasn’t just to complicate things. It was real. It was honest. Ally&Georgia even became friends and that sealed the deal for me. That made me fall in love with this show. And it was SO GOOD to watch TV like that.

The quirks on this show which were established in Season 1 were so genius that sometimes I have to pause to recollect myself from what I just watched. Every single one pretty much gave birth(this is a weird adjective but whtvr) to their characters.

Richard Fish & John Cage, yes the 2 senior partners are a little more precious to me because they are both so fragile that I just want to shelter them from the world. I mean everyone is pretty much broken in this show but these 2 are a little more broken than the rest. They’ll always be the 2 most broken. Most afraid of the world characters on the show. I guess that’s why I love them…because they’re just broken and I just wanna hug them.

This show was weird.

It introduced me to Wattle(I mean…I have never heard of such thing)…festish(again…I have never heard of such thing).

It had this.

The unisex bathroom. I mean c’mon. How could you go wrong with a unisex bathroom!?! The answer is…you simply cannot. I mean that is just AH-MAH-ZING.

And they gossip in the unisex bathroom. They fight. They pull each other’s hair. They do “it”. And they dance inside the unisex bathroom…preferably to Barry White’s “You're The First, The Last, My Everything”. It doesn’t get more genius than that.

And of course who could ever forget this…..

THE DANCING BABY. I MEAN C’MON!!!!! HOW WEIRD YET ENDEARING AND ODD YET SPECTACULAR ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

So…yes the weirdness surrounding these characters and this show is what makes it so special to me. That’s why it’s so hard to find another show after this one because it’s one of a kind. It’s rare. Very rare.

So season 1 wrapped-up pretty darn perfectly. It really really really did cap off a season with one of my most beloved season closings ever. I mean there weren’t any explosions or anything like that but it was so poignant and real that it will always stick-out for me.  

When Ally walked in on Billy&Georgia “you know”…and she went to her office to recollect herself. Everything that has happened that season really culminated in that ending. Like how much Ally has grown as a person and how she’s starting to let go of Billy.

And John Cage’s so precious line that I will NEVER forget…..

“If you think back, and replay your year - if it doesn't bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted.”ßThis quote will always stay with me.

And that ending montage of Season 1 with “Neighborhood” as the bg music with Ally crying and smiling as she remembers everything that has happened. I have never seen so much meaning and depth in a show before. And that was the moment I realized that I was in it for the long haul…like no matter how much devastation this show will bring me(and it did)…I’d push forward through all of it because it doesn’t get any better than that.

Then we have Season 2…..

Here’s what I was thinking: I really wish the show continues to be great and poignant and precious and lovable and weird and just as it was in Season 1. I always hoped that the dynamics wouldn’t change because the original cast had the most perfect cast chemistry I’ve ever seen.

Here’s what I got: The dynamics did change. And they introduced 2 new characters. And the season felt different…..IN A DAMN GOOD WAY. I mean I knew that they were gonna introduce new faces because I read spoilers beforehand so I was scared that it would ruin the “magic” of the perfectness of the cast but it didn’t. It even made it better…if that was even possible.

Nelle Porter and Ling Woo—I mean the introduction of their characters was just perfection. It was so perfect that I fell in love with them instantly and that doesn’t happen often for me…it usually takes time(A LOT OF TIME) for me to fully love a character so for them to introduce these 2 and do what they did will never NOT astound me. They’re just brilliant.

Season 2 was just perfection(FOR ME PERSONALLY). It continued to explore the characters more and expanding the cast(which I will forever love) without ruining the already perfect dynamic and even making it better. To be honest…I don’t really know why THIS season was just absolutely perfect(FOR ME PERSONALLY). I can’t pinpoint it. But it just was.

So Season 2 started with this…..

           “The Real World”, I think when I first watched it—I was still in a ‘high’ from the Season 1 finale but either ways I thought that the opening dream sequence was very “Ally”. It’s just the way THIS particular show would start-off a new season. Now I thought it was weirdly random that they’d open a season with Ally liking this ‘boy’—like why’d start off a season like that? But as the episode progressed, I found myself just loving it. The characters were all still so well-defined and each of their view-points in life were all so different and unique. How could you NOT love them? By the end of the episode I found it so fascinating that Ally was recapturing her youth(at least that’s what I think) but still having a clear grasp at life(altho that’s hard to believe given her fantasies and all). This wasn’t a special episode but it just continued the way I see this show as—which is a very weird show that looks at life/reality in a very different way compared to other shows.

Season 2 just hit its stride for me. I will never know why/how that became the effect on me…it just did somehow.

Now when I was just starting-out being a fangirl…I was so dense that all I cared about were the “ships” and I was one of those “shipper war-freak”(or smthg). Like in every single show…all that mattered were the “ships” for me. Then I kind of grew-out of that phase and realized how dumb I was—from then on I started to see a TV show as a whole(The whole package)…and individual characterizations became my main focus although I still “ship”…but I just kind of broaden my view-point(I guess…I am a weird person so I know I don’t make sense).

Now with “Ally McBeal”—I STILL have my “broader” view-point or something BUT then they gave me THIS…..

Cage and Nelle.

I CANNOT FIND A GOOD PICTURE. I APOLOGIZE.

Now at the beginning—I understood why Cage was “drawn” to her. She’s tall, blonde, smart…with GREAT hair(Yes, I’m talking about THAT courtroom scene) and he’s kind of the weirdly-odd small little Biscuit and that’s basically how it always goes. Individually as characters…I never really would have thought to put them together—I mean I understand a “crush” but actually getting together was something I never imagined UNTIL THIS SHOW PROVED ME WRONG.

Now there was an episode where John talked to Billy about liking Nelle or something like that and Billy assumed that Nelle was only using him for “sport” or something and she replied by saying “I actually like the guy so take that…”(I’m paraphrasing but smthg like that). I don’t know but that scene was “IT” for me. I fell in love with Nelle more as a character and I fell in love with this ship(which I shipped till the very end and STILL now). I guess I was so closed-minded that I never imagined 2 complete opposites(altho Nelle has a weird-side too) to actually worked but then I’ll have these 2 engraved in my head for future judgements.

Oh and this show also brought me to THIS…..

           Fish and Ling.

I do admit that before watching the show I watched a trailer for “Ally McBeal” on YT and there was this small bit with these 2 in there…and I swear I pretty much fell in love with them at that small bit(I will never understand how that happened). And as I started with Season 2…I knew they were coming and I knew I loved them right from the trailer but I didn’t know if I’m actually gonna love them on the show. Then they introduced Ling(LOVEEE HER). They had that snarky banter-ish at the beginning. Then he asked her out in the cutest way(he looked like a kid asking a girl out for the very first time). Plus they pair Richard(who I love) and Ling(who I love)—2 damn characters who I absolutely LOVE. You just cannot go wrong with that.

And this season also had THIS…..

Ally and Dr. Greg Butters(I mean DAMN he is fineeeee)

           Now from what I remember he was introduced in Season 1 and they had a brief thing but he left but came back on Season 2. Ally dated a LOT of guys on the show who you KNOW aren’t really for the long-haul…..I knew Greg wasn’t for the long-haul(because I read spoilers). Not only that but I just always felt that they weren’t going to work-out somehow. But here’s the good thing about this relationship. It was simple. It was short but meaningful. It felt so natural. And they have chemistry. They were beautiful.

But of course somewhere along the season THIS resurfaced…

The Ally-Billy-Georgia love triangle

           You know that episode where Billy tells Ally that he’s still in love with her. I guess because everything was sort of going well…I wasn’t expecting that ‘confession’ at all but it was necessary—I think she was starting to move-on after Season 1 but this never got truly resolved. I feel like they definitely had to address this because if they didn’t…I don’t think these characters would have TRULY gone somewhere…..

So Billy kissed Ally…..

Now, I’ll forever have a hard time summarizing the “Love” aspect of this show because it really is the most complex depiction of “Love” that I have ever seen.

Billy and Ally will always be the forefront of the complex “Love” aspect because everything started with them. Eventhough they weren’t together in Season 1 and he was married—they were so tender and gentle and precious. I find them extremely crucial for this show and definitely for Ally’s character. Now somewhere along Season 1 eventhough they were so precious…I always had this feeling that they weren’t “meant for each other”(not because I knew what was ahead in Season 4)—which is weird to feel because their chemistry specially in Season 1 was exploding but I always did think that they’re not meant to be.

That episode at the beginning of Season 2 where Ally learns that Billy actually left for Michigan because he met Georgia—I mean GAME CHANGER!(for me).

And the episode that is one of the most heart-wrenching episodes I’ve ever watched. EVER.  

“Sideshow”

           The episode after Billy kissed Ally. The episode when they went to therapy together. The episode that had one of the realest depiction of how absolutely complex and confusing “Love” actually is. The episode with one of the most brilliant piece of dialogue combined with the acting that will wreck you after you finish the episode.

This episode is so crucial for the story—a turning-point even. It’s not because Billy and Ally had that huge fight but because you kind of saw why it didn’t work-out for them…as perfect as they may seem to be which they were. I do think their personalities were perfect for each other and they had the same morals and goals in life. But then there’s just some things that don’t work-out…no matter how desperately they wanted it to work out.

This episode made you think. It made you feel. It’s what TV is made for.

But of course after that—Life went on…..

Here’s to honorable mentions(that sticks-out for me):

George and Ally? A what could have been. He did that “wiggle” dance or something like that and Ally’s reaction melted my heart. They could have been something special tbh—they were both weird.

Fish’s closing in “Just Looking”. BRILLIANT.

Ally’s closing in “Love Unlimited”. BRILLIANT.

And any John Cage closing. BRILLIANT.

“Angels And Blimps”—the episode where Ally and Ling meet a boy with leukemia. He wants to sue God. And Ling cried. I mean how can I NOT love Ling?—one moment she’s this selfish-vicious client who sues everybody then the next moment she buys a blimp to restore Ally’s faith in God. It doesn’t get any better than that.

“Happy Trails”

Awww Judge Happy Boyle. Show me your teeth.

Speaking of judge—this is random but Judge Seymore Walsh is one of my favorites(really hard to find pics for this show). I mean he pretty much grounds the show. He calls-out their BS.

“Making Spirits Bright”

This has to be one of the signature episodes of THIS show. When you watch it—you just KNOW that you’re watching “Ally McBeal” because…..

It had a damn unicorn…..

But no seriously—It had a unicorn…..

“Civil Wars”

C’mon a cat-fight at the unisex bathroom HAD to happen at some point…..

“Those Lips, That Hand”

Barry White. C’mon.

That ending dance scene with everybody dancing on stage—That’s as epic as it can get.

This epi also had THIS…..

I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

“Let’s Dance”

When this little nugget…..

Helped Elaine in her dance competition…

           Okay…I will forever think that Ling and Elaine are secretly BFFs all throughout the show because there are these few but meaningful moments that are unnoticeable BUT I notice them. “Let’s Dance” obviously sticks-out. Then Ling supported Elaine so much on her baby trial. That time when Ling trips over a contestant who’s up against Elaine for that Tina Turner back-up dancer thing—Yes, I think she was just being Ling but whatever. And of course that time when Ling paid someone to comfort Elaine when she lost the Tina Turner contest to Ally—THAT WAS SO RANDOM AND SHORT YET IT WAS THE SWEETEST THING.

“Only The Lonely”(I think this is that episode but I’m not sure)

That time when the 2 senior partners “danced” at that bar? C’mon that was so dope and epic.

Then ‘THE’ episode which I’d like to call as Ally’s signature episode…..

“Love’s Illusions”

           There are so many episodes to choose from but THIS is IT. This is where Ally’s character completely broke me. From those flashbacks when she was young. To her talk with John in jail about “the world she makes-up” in her head(their dialogue was SPOT on). To her talking to Renee about her mom cheating on her dad—and that was why she started ‘pretending’. And lastly…THAT ending scene with “Both Sides Now” playing in the background as Ally breaks down along the streets. My heart was literally(not joking) breaking watching that scene. That is truly, without a doubt one of the most powerful scenes ever.

And then of course…..

“I Know Him By Heart” a.k.a The Bachelorette episode(kidding!)

           The Season 2 finale—after the previous episode…it was nice to get back to the lighter side of things. With Fish giving Ally a pep talk(you cannot go wrong with Fishisms). To Ally getting mauled by a group of men(not really) but that looked like straight-out of The Bachelorette. To tying-up the season with some sense of hope—just a sweet season-ender for just a perfection(for me) of a season.

[1980s-90sgifs]

[peekiesblog]

If you’re ever sad...just watch the Dancing Baby and you’ll remember that Life is Beautiful <3

[trishvanessa]

[peekiesblog]

Me right now.....

[akanicotortorella-deactivated20]

[peekiesblog]

I’m sorry. I miss it. I miss these characters. Their journeys. Everything. :’) <3

[we-help-the-hopeless-deactivate]

[peekiesblog]

I had a crappy-ish day.....then I saw this and ALL IS GOOD. My precious OT4. <3

[galacticaagirl]

“There must be someone you can call.”

“Uh, no because then I’d actually have to have some friends. I don’t.”

“That’s not true.”

[heyyy-its-j]

Actual best friendship in the Buffyverse.

[peekiesblog]

I dunno I just suddenly missed them that’s all.

[peekiesblog]

A Love Letter.....

2014 – A Life Changer. 

WARNING: This contains SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! So you have been warned!

P.S.: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE WHEDONVERSE SHOWS BECAUSE YOU’LL GET SPOILED AND YOU WILL REGRET IT. THANK YOU. HAVE A GOOD DAY.

P.S. More: This is just me babbling about my fangirl feels and halfway through writing it…I realized how LONG it is so you know…YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

And I give credit to those pics I used. Thank you.

 A Love Letter to the WhedonVerse

 Buffy the Vampire Slayer

    The myth, the legend, the pop cultural show that I’ve HEARD of long before but never really got to giving it a try—until one bored day as I was…tbh I don’t really remember why but I remember searching up BtVS on imDb and reading the great comments and that was it…I finally decided to give it a try.

    “Welcome to the Hellmouth”—now that very first scenario with Darla was genius—I thought it was a great hook into what would eventually become one hell of a series. My first impression was that the “In every generation…” was REALLY different, Buffy was “Daphne(Scooby Doo)”, Willow was “Lily(HIMYM)”, I don’t know the Xander actor, Cordelia was “Jane(See Jane Date)”, Angel was the guy from BONES, I thought it was an all ‘teen’ show so I didn’t understand why Giles was there, the ‘Vampire’ book was spelled ‘Vampyr” which I thought was odd, oh and the ‘vampire look’ they had overwhelmed me a little bit at the beginning. Plus the opening was really rock n’ roll. But overall I thought it was a really ambitious show that was cute, funny, and kickass…but then real life(My school work) got in the way and I kind of forgot about it for a while. Then semester break started and I decided to start watching West Wing for some reason…and didn’t continue watching BtVS because I forgot for a while but then Season 5 of West Wing started to get stale so I stopped watching it and decided to continue with BtVS--BEST DECISION I EVER MADE.

    The first I said was IF Buffy wasn’t a likable character then I probably wouldn’t be able to continue watching this show but as Season 1 progresses—Buffy started to grow on me; her selfless attitude as she tries to save everybody while she endures the pressures of high school was just perfectly done. And the humor of BtVS was a real game-changer for me—I saw myself laughing so much at the littlest of jokes that they make such as Willow telling Cordelia to press ‘deliver’ and she pressed ‘delete’, and Giles’ “The Earth is doomed” line as Buffy/Willow/Xander walk away talking about ‘teen stuffs’ and Buffy/Willow/Xander talking about how they would never have normal love lives and the awkward giggles they had then the screen suddenly blinks to the credits, and Cordelia’s snarky comments(divine), and Cordelia butchering ‘The Greatest Love of All’(I died laughing)—it’s not really as funny when you read it but the experience I had when I watched those moments were absolutely priceless. I guess BtVS just had a very different kind of humor that I love personally, it was kind of dry humor that’s witty, sarcastic, and everything just worked.

    Now the ‘love’ aspect of the show was very endearing too. The Willow loves Xander loves Buffy loves Angel…and Angel’s a vampire fiasco was really well done IMO. I loved Willow’s dorky life-long crush on her best-friend, and Xander’s unrequinted crush on Buffy,

and of course the beginning of Angel&Buffy

—I’m a Bangel fan and I’ll always will be. Bangel made me squeal like REAL squeals that I don’t really do often—they were just epic. Plus I don’t normally go for the teen heartthrobs type but when Angel’s name appears on the ‘guest star’ credits—it just triggers something inside of me sometimes <3

    I believe a really defining moment in my viewing experience of Buffy was in “Prophecy Girl”—not just because it was epic television but that Buffy line “I’m 16 years old…I don’t wanna die”ßDAMN that went straight to my heart and never left me. That will ALWAYS get me to tears. Plus I think that was when I saw what was to become the ‘depth’ of this series.  

    Season 2’s opening “When She Was Bad”—I know this isn’t really a popular episode or a ‘stand-out’ epi but I personally loved it because I thought it was a terrific opener and it kept me wanting more. The fact that they dealt with Buffy’s feelings about when she ‘died’ made me respect this show to a whole new level because MOST shows today wouldn’t even bother to do that. Plus the scene where Buffy smashed the bones was just heart-wrenching…and the ‘forgiven’ scene at the end was the icing on the cake.

    Season 2 is EPIC—they expanded more on the characters and made them grow. They introduced Oz(well at first I thought...what about the Xander/Willow thing?)

  But then Oz just slowly grows on me—and c’mon he was the FIRST to ever see our dorky Willow for how beautiful she. And just like that I started to ship Oz&Willow. Plus my soft spot for Xander/Willow started to have a realization that they were perfect as besties forever.

 , Xander and Cordy(Oh and Xander started to call her Cordy and I thought it was so cute) had their thing,

 Xander&Cordy—first thing I thought when they happened was that’s weird but then when it sinks in…it was really inevitable tbh. Now these two took time but I guess I started to love them at around Xander gave her the necklace, and Cordy picking Xander/the Scooby Gang over her “friends”…oh Harmony LOL.

I’m sorry but Bangel. This scene. They are just timeless. Always.

 Angel&Buffy’s relationship started to blossom, and of course the episode “Surprise”—what can I say? The Angelus plot twist might be one of the greatest plot twist I have ever experienced. This show always surprises me…no pun intented. And “Passion”—the episode where we find out that they mean business and no one’s safe. And Giles&Mrs. Calendar broke my heart. This show just gets better and better. No lie.

 Oh and these two were introduced. OMG.

 Spike&Dru—initial reaction was “Oh so this is Spike? Stay away from Bangel Spike…” and I had no idea who Dru was. Then they started to play off one another and they were so silky smooth together that I fell in love with their characters without even knowing it.

You’re probably thinking…how can an Angel/Bangel fan like Spike? It’s possible I swear.

  So the season finale “Becoming Part 2” is EPIC TELEVISION AT ITS BEST. That ending scene. That music cue of ‘Full of Grace’. That lingering feeling you had after the episode. The moment of awe afterwards is breathtaking. It’s just genius.

 And so Season 3 begins. Senior year. Last season of high school for the Scooby Gang and they could not have had a better season to end the Sunnydale days. I think by the third season I have completely loved ALL the characters and knew who they were and just enjoyed the journey with them. There were SO MANY reasons to love the third season like how they dealt with Buffy coming back after leaving them…

Introducing this badass who I never thought I’d love as much as I love her today…

  Faith, the new slayer—OMG. One of the best things this show ever made. The contrasting personalities between her and Buffy is amazing plus the underlying sexual chemistry between Buffy&Faith is something I didn’t mind <3

“Homecoming” gave me a kind of closure for my Xander/Willow heart which was quite nice but then my heart broke for Oz and Cordy. Like they did not deserve that at all. But then my weird view point of life just took away from it something positive—which was how after being Buffy’s loyal dorky sidekicks…Xander&Willow were still humans who make mistakes and I ended-up loving them as characters just more. Plus I ended-up realizing just how precious Oz&Cordy’s characters are to me. I love when characters show flaws and make mistakes and whatever…I’m just weird that way I guess.  But what they did was still wrong so…yeah.

        What I remember about this season is how I would HAVE to pause the episodes because I was trying to breathe after laughing so much. There was a LOT of humor: “Band Candy” and “Earshot” made me cry from laughter—I mean there were A LOT of LOL moments but those 2 comes to mind. And Xander’s episode “The Zeppo” was spectacularly epic.

And they introduced her…

 Oh Anyanka, my sweet vengeance demon 

And him…

 My Wesley Wyndam-Pryce. First reaction: I HATED HATED HATED HIM THAT I WANTED TO PUNCH THE SCREEN. I hated him when he first arrived because he was replacing Giles—And NOBODY can replace Giles and I love Giles so that’s that. And I hated him more when I realized that he also played Sandy Rivers from HIMYM--I HATED Sandy River too. So my hatred was doubled at that point.

But then Wesley and Cordy met…

And it was the most RANDOM thing I have ever seen in my life. And I loved it. I started to see Wesley in a different light after that—like how underneath his stuffy British suit was this dorky awkward cute bumbling buffoon…and he ended-up being one of my favorite Whedon characters ever. How funny life works sometimes huh?

“The Wish” and “Dopplegangland” were epic. But the whole season was epic so…

 “The Prom” was

 Perfect.

 Oz&Willow adorableness. The beginning of Xander&Anya. Wesley’s reaction to Cordy and Giles’ reaction to Wes’ reaction(their faces tho),Giles “Blueberry Scone” comment, Xander&Cordy’s closure was PERFECTION(He bought her the dress and it was so sweet),

And THIS moment happened…

Buffy Summers “Class Protector”. Jonathan’s speech. The golden shimmering umbrella. Buffy receiving it. THAT is such a beautiful scene. It was such a huge pay off. And at that moment I was crying so much because these characters are growing-up right in front of you.

Did I mention how awesome the Faith&Mayor team-up was? Because it was.

 “Graduation Day Parts 1&2”—what can I say? I mean it was spectacular.

      A LOT of things happened at graduation…it would take a decade for me to write down ALL my feels for it. They graduated. They battled it out. There was blood, tears, SALIVA, laughter, goodbyes, and memories.

Oz’s “We survived…high school.” was such a perfect line.

Sunnydale Forever <3

 Season 4 was obviously a new ‘feel’ to it. They’re in college. No Angel. No Cordy. I miss the original Scooby GangßThat is my reaction when this season started. Oh and Riley…was OKAYYYYY.

And by this time I started with ‘Angel’ the spin-off series—so it was a very overwhelming experience since it was Sunnydale then L.A. and I had a really hard time adjusting to Angel and Cordy not being on BtVS…but time healed everything.

And of course one of my personal favorite character arcs was them…

Willow&Tara or just Willow discovering her sexuality in general. I personally loved it because I thought they did it perfectly. It didn’t feel forced or it didn’t feel like they were trying to prove anything—It was just Willow finding herself and being awesome. Plus Tara’s character was so innocent and shy and bird-like that I just wanted to keep her forever.

 Yes, the Oz&Willow break-up was devastating. They were so precious. And just as when Oz was finally on the opening credits(okay this doesn’t really justify anything BUT STILL)

The way I see it was that some people are there for a certain time in your life and it doesn’t mean that they were ‘nothing’ because Oz&Willow were something. They were cute, amazing, precious, and epic. They are part of the whole BtVS journey and ALWAYS will be.

Plus Oz coming back and getting closure with Willow was heartwarming. It was one hell of a send-off not only for Oz&Willow but for Oz’s character too. So cheers to that! <3

 Riley&Buffy—I know I know I know…Riley was mehhh and tbh this didn’t really worked. Yes I didn’t understand why they paired Buffy with Riley…I actually thought they were gonna pair him with Willow at the beginning. Anyways, I DID NOT ship them but I APPRECIATED their relationship for me personally. I think I just appreciated the fact that they didn’t make her jump to Spike the second Angel left for L.A.. Riley was like the middle guy in Buffy’s love life that was you know…just okayyyyy.

 Plus Angel visiting Buffy and meeting Riley.

Angel’s “Riley…I don’t like him.”

Buffy’s “Thank you.”

That only re-assured me how much Angel&Buffy are soulmates and I’m gonna ship it for always.

Riley served his purpose…kidding! Riley was also the initiative guy…tbh I didn’t really understood the Big Bad this season but idc.

And Xander’s not in college…I was shocked then I got over it. And Xander&Anya’s relationship—It took me some time(seasons even) to really love their relationship but eventually I got there. It just took A LOT of time.

And then there was Spike&Harmony(I kinda liked their dynamic…in its weird way).

This season was kinda all blurry to me. The crossovers with AtS were AMAZING—it was definitely awesome how they made those two shows complement each other.

Oh and let’s not forget about “Hush”. Creepy.

Well the season finale “Restless”—it was very poetic and poignant and meaningful. It wasn’t the “battle it out” season finales they normally do but it really sticks-out for me. It had so many metaphors on what’s to come which I was amazed by because most shows just go with the flow and doesn’t really think ahead. This is why I have mad respect for this show. Amazing work right here.

So Season 5 is still amazing. You know everyone was growing-up in their own ways. There’s Dawn(and the way they introduced her was really interesting), there’s Glory(I love how Buffy compared her to Cordy),there’s Spike’s crush on Buffy—you know what yes I was very uncomfortable with it for personal reasons but as time went on I APPRECIATED the relationships that happened on this show…I don’t necessarily ship or want them to be together, but I appreciated it and how it went along the journey. Plus I knew they were gonna happen at some point. I have a very weird view point on shows I watch so I apologize.

I actually liked “Fool For Love” and no it’s not because of B/S but because of just Spike’s character in general. I don’t know but my ships don’t really cloud my judgement on BtVS characters that much—I eventually fall in love with all the characters at some point. And I’m not ashamed of it.

 AIN’T. NOBODY. MESSING. WITH. MY. CLIQUE.

Oh and I love the history-origin-story they have on these four. They are one of my OT4…sometimes.

Season 5 had its moments…

Spike’s “Out. For. A. Walk. Bitch.”

Willow&Tara dancing and floating. Beautiful.

Riley telling Xander “But she doesn’t love me…”—I know I didn’t ship them but they had their moments. This moment sincerely broke my heart. And Xander’s shock reaction broke my heart so much more.

Buffy’s “It would never be you. You’re beneath me.” line to Spike—I just thought that scene was really well done.

Riley&Buffy finally having a talk as to how he doesn’t really feel that Buffy needs him—I just think they explained their relationship so perfectly in this scene.

Xander and Buffy arguing about Riley. Then Buffy chasing/yelling after Riley but she was too late and his helicopter was flying away—This again…I think personally was really well done. I understand that Riley’s unpopular but he had his moments…and this did broke my heart.

That unexpected end to the episode which eventually leads to one of the most heart-wrenching episode on television which is of course “The Body”—it was unexpected, it was heartbreaking, it was emotionally draining but yet it was beautiful. Wow just wow.

And of course “The Gift”. The Season 5 finale. The 100th episode. The farewell episode from the WB. That’s like a lot of goodbyes and it just delivered like it always does. This finale just had a very special feel to it. It was epic piece of television.

When Xander says "Smart chicks are so hot," Willow replies, "You couldn't have figured that out in 10th grade?"ßI know they’re better off as friends forever but it’s still nice to know that they remember these little things. And it was a cute reminder on how far they’ve come.

Xander proposing to Anya—my baby was growing-up <3

 And of course Buffy Summers saving the world once again…

 "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it"

    You really do have to watch the series from the very beginning and enjoy the journey that they’ve had to truly feel the greatness of this episode. It’s unlike any other. This is what television is made for.

 Now we have BtVS Season 6—the ‘darkest’ season as they say. You know the season that had the most depressing storylines or moments. And yes I do believe they explored these characters in a much darker tone but at the end of the season…I wouldn’t take any of it away.

With Buffy coming back from heaven—and coming back ‘wrong’ somehow. I think they did quite well with Buffy’s depression thing that’s been happening since Season 5 I guess? When Giles and Buffy went on the desert because she believes she lost the ability to love hence what Riley told her. I think I loved the aspect of exploring the psychological effects…or I just love BtVS so much that I CANNOT criticize anything about it. <3

And B/S happening this season—I knew it was gonna happen somehow and you know I just went with the flow…I personally will never ship them but they did what they could so…

And Season 6 has a REALLY domestic-feel to it. I mean we hardly see the college stuffs anymore. And Buffy’s raising Dawn. And it just felt domestic for some reason.

Of couse Willow abusing her magic was also a depressing arc—I loved the metaphor for ‘drugs’ thing plus Willow breaking down in front of her friends when she almost put Dawn in danger--Gets me every damn time.

And did I mention that these 3 idiots were the supposedly “Big Bads” this season?

 This season obviously had the most popular BtVS episode. The Musical Episode. When I heard they did an episode like this, I thought they were jumping the shark but then I watch it, I enjoyed it, and I was amazed.

“Once More, With Feeling”

 Then they followed the amazingness with…

“Tabula Rasa”

absolute treat. It was beyond funny.

Then you know the building falling down, Buffy getting a haircut, Willow&Buffy talking in the sidewalk about how they’re taking their problems step by step, Doublemeat Palace(it was weird),

Then this…

 This…

What If…?

 And what I call the ‘darkest’ episode of the series…

“Seeing Red”

The bathroom scene—It was extreme content. It was chilling to watch. It was uncomfortable. It was horrifying. It was so wrong. Yet it capsulated the B/S relationship in that scene or just Spike’s perception on love in general—I like Spike…I don’t like B/S but I like Spike as a character(It is possible). I just think Spike sees love as something that consumes him in a very unhealthy manner that he finally realizes in this scene.

“Ask me again why I could never love you”

  “Your Shirt”

 Yes it broke my heart. Yes I missed Tara throughout the rest of the series. Yes I believe that Willow&Tara were meant to be.

But then it was the turning point to this…

 Xander: The first day of kindergarten, you cried because you broke the yellow crayon and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far. Ending the world - not a terrific notion... But the thing is... yeah, I love you. I love crayon-breaky Willow and I love scary, veiny Willow. So if I'm goin' out, it's here. If you wanna kill the world, well, then start with me. I've earned that.

       Because Xander&Willow are best friends even before the series even started. Because they keep reminding us that Xander doesn’t really do much for the Scooby Gang but then he saves the world(His mouth saved the world) with his friendship and love. Because the yellow crayon speech was so heartfelt. And because Xander&Willow’s friendship just slays everything.

I cried like the Niagara Falls in this season finale. Absolutely epic. Look at how far these characters have come.

     And here we are at Season 7. The final season(I haven’t read the comics…so this is the final season for me). Well the whole season was kind of a blur since it was all leading up to the the final battle with the First Evil. Literally…it was all culminating into that series finale. It had a sense of finality to it like you just feel they’re all slowly saying goodbye as the season went on(but that’s just ME because I love this show too much).

Them dealing with Willow…well Dark Willow killing Warren, to them opening the Slayer House, to Giles coming back(Yay).

Here’s what struck-out for me in this final season though and I never expected them to…

 Andrew.

 Cuz I could have cared less when Andrew was first introduced. But then he just pops-up this season and made laugh so much in this very ‘serious’ final season. “Storyteller” is comic GOLD.

And I realized…

Just how meant to be Xander&Anya are. You see they started way back in Season 3 and as the seasons went on…I didn’t really ‘ship’ them per say…I just kind of always liked them but not ‘ship’ them. I don’t know how or when but I just fell in love with them this final season. And that was that.

 But these 2 stole the season…

 Andrew and Anya. The simple fact as to how random this dynamic was which ended-up being the shining joy of the ‘serious’ final season of this show. Or just Andrew and Anya’s characters in general—I just fell in love with them as characters along the way. They made me laugh amidst all the sadness or finality towards that series finale. They’re just too precious.

 So drawing out to the ending…

Okay the Spike’s speech to Buffy scene. Hold your horses—again I’m not on the B/S ship or will I ever be. I liked the scene, I thought it was touching. I liked Spike’s growth as a character. Yeah Spike had his redemption storyline this season…Yeah he became a softy and became a goody-goody but I liked it…well TBH I liked everyone’s character growth. No lie.

 And that Xander and Dawn scene…

 “You’re extraordinary…”

These two breaks my heart. I understand that Dawn’s like ‘universally hated’? I don’t know but yes she came out of nowhere, she’s Buffy’s sister, she’s portrayed as this normal bratty teenage girl AND I GET IT. Xander’s the normal one who makes jokes in the face of danger—when you look at him I guess you don’t really see a lot of development but THERE DEFINITELY IS. All through-out this whole journey—Xander’s always thought of himself as worthless and yes people do TELL him that over and over again. I guess I just love that Xander realized that he’s not worthless and that he’s always been the ‘Heart’ of the Scooby Gang and that He’s extraordinary. And so is Dawn.

 And these two happened?

  Uhmmm…I like that she helped Willow with her problems and all.

But…

 No.

 I’m sorry but no.

Plus I cannot take any NEW ‘couple’ seriously when it’s like the LAST season. And you introduced a new character in the LAST season. It’s just not how it works for me…it takes time. A LOT OF TIME.

 Although…

 Faith and the Prinicipal was pretty hot considering the little time they had…

 Anyways…

 “Chosen”

The series finale to one of the greatest television shows of all time.

How could you end it all without THIS?

 Angel&Buffy. Bangel. Always.

You see no matter how much appreciation I had for Riley or Spike, no matter how I eventually give credit to their characters…I’ll never really ship them with Buffy.

It’s just Angel&Buffy. Always have been. Always will be.

It’s just that simple for me.

Plus their last scene was perfect. Call me biased but no matter how different their paths were for the last seasons, no matter how long they haven’t seen each other—they just fit. They just gel like PB&J. They’re epic.

And Buffy’s “cookie dough” speech summed up her love life perfectly.

And Angel’s “I ain’t getting any older…” line as he exits the series through the darkness was everything. 

Flashing forward…

Andrew and Anya in their wheelchairs. Anya LOVES humans. Everybody’s preparing for the final battle. And I was crying so much because I hate goodbyes…it’s the hardest thing for me as a fangirl.

I believe this final episode is kind of a complete 360 turn as to what the premise of the whole show was about. It’s about ONE slayer who saves the world. But they turned that around completely.

Spike’s final scene…not really…

Spike’s “No you don’t. But thanks for saying it.”--This line says it all for me.

 Because…

 I think even Spike knows who Buffy should end-up with. The way I see it was that B/S was something to appreciate for because they kind of helped each other grow especially Spike…he became a much nicer person(Cheesy as it sounds) but…

Angel will always be the one in Buffy’s heart.

 And Spike’s last line(not really)…

 “I wanna see how it ends…”

That broke me. Maybe it was the way he said it or the fact that it struck me like lighting that this show was almost at its end.

This. One. Of. A. Kind. Show.

 From the way I see the fandom is that you’re either Team Angel or Team Spike. You either love Angel and hate Spike or vice-versa. You hate Riley, Kennedy, and Dawn because most of the fandom does. You hate how it became really ‘dark’ and all that stuff.

There’s ALL those things that makes-up this fandom or just a ‘normal’ fandom…BUT I JUST DON’T CARE.

I learned to like Riley, Kennedy, Dawn, and Angel&Spike all at the same time. It was possible and it was easy tbh. I guess with this show I just see everything really differently and believe me it made the viewing experience much more fun.

This show was one heck of a ride.

And for that I am forever thankful.

 The End. :) 

[swevicki]

When the squad finally is reunited

[lucifer-chloe]

[torrhenstark]

A: All I ever wanted in high school was for Troy Barnes to notice me. Then I ended up living with you. I’m pretty lucky.

T: I’m not. I had a chance to be your friend in high school, but I was too busy trying to be cool. I missed out on four more years of Annie.