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[peenybobini]

12/21/23

It's almost Christmas and it doesn't feel real but I know that happens every year

At least this year I watched almost every holiday movie I wanted to and it was A LOT

Dylan watched love actually with me a few days ago and it was so much fun

Season 45 of survivor ended yesterday, one of my favorite seasons in a long long time we had an absolute blast watching it

I'm getting super hyser aware of my teeth and idk why, I have GOT to see a dentist and soon, maybe stop smoking this new year and start doing whitening strips but I know myself and fat fucking chance tbh

I love Dylan I'm so happy most of the time

Sex has been more frequent and more fun, I'm hurting less being more active, have made so much money this month but unfortunately it's all gone elsewhere for Christmas and I randomly had a shit ton of stuff run out all at the same time but I feel like I'll be able to afford everything easy? Idk I may have miscalculated but I'm just rolling with it

Peter and I said I fucking love you to each other for the first time after being friends for like 6 years or something crazy last night when he was kinda messed up and needed support. He always apologizes a lot and I try to let him know it's nothing to be embarrassed about, and I get it, Dylan's really the person I can talk to about any and everything and I feel like I might be that person for Peter and it just isn't the same and I get it. Idk though man's got his problems and can be fucked up sometimes but I really do care for him so much and I can only hope I can break him out of his shell and encourage him enough so he can start meeting girls romantically!!! Maybe I should offer that like dude let's hit a virtual fucking life makeover? Idk it'll have to waait, checked in today cause I know he goes radio silent any time h gets vulnerable, but he was okay for sure it just might be a few days which sucks but it is what it is lord knows I've disappeared on the guy more than a few times

And then Cailee's struggling bad right now with not being able to find a job, and she's still dating Juan who god bless him I don't fucking like and think he is so mean to her for no reason but for some reason he holds all the power in the relationship? Feel like sometimes he manipulates her extreme anxiety to his benefit, but I'm not around them enough to totally deduce that. Definitely hard for me to mind my business and be like okay o hope he does leave because cuck that guy come live with me and dylan and Jack and let's get a huge house and maybe you guys will fall in love and it'll be perfect and the commune can begin but obviously not going to happen.

Communication with Cheyenne is always so stilted lately, have been trying to make plans since September but since I've been out of commission obviously with the breakage I think it ends up being a free out in her mind which is like fine. Idk I feel jealous of her and Jonathan even though I know shit for them sucks sometimes too? Seeing the Christmas card they sent us just kind of ignited something in me and I'm tired of not being married and I'm tired of not having a baby. And i really really want to at least start that process in the next couple of years but idk if there will ever not be a part of me that feels like that's a huge mistake? God shit is so complicated all the time

And I fucking miss summer. I miss her so much. I can't believe we've fallen off this hard. I'm always being left hanging. I knew to expect it and I try not to take it personal but goddamn, it hurts so, so bad. I really thought we'd be able to make it past not working together, I just feel like we got along on so many levels I don't with any of my other friends. I feel like we were so alike in so many ways but were we just mirroring each other? I don't think so. I wish I never said that shit to Dylan, I think it completely fucked up any chance of our friendship lasting forever. I only hope and can wonder if one day when he's further out of the BPD bubble I'd I'd be able to explain it to him where he'd listen. That I truly was just trying to appease, and make my situation okay, and thought I was going to die or end up killing my self because the pain was so bad. What a dark fucking time in my life dude I can't believe i survived that shit. Or that our relationship did. I hope Josh is nice to her and makes her feel loved and doesn't rely on her to do everything for him forever, I don't think I'll ever live a day where I don't consider her my best friend, despite all the I mean let's call it what it is absolute bullshit she's put me through

Idk I feel like that's dramatic I don't think I mean it. I just miss her, it sucks getting close to another new friend only to be totally ghosted on once we stop working together. Again. I guess it's a lesson though? Idk I feel like the way my business is going I'll likely not have any coworkers again really. If I can figure out how to avoid the annoying bitches I rent with currently.

And I'm so sick of everybody trying to give me business advice and idk why it bothers me so much either? Ego thing?

Also I've been having so many sex dreams lately, a Bob Odenkirk one that was kind of sweet honestly but that makes sense as I've been thinking about him a lot lately because I just finished better call Saul and absolutely loved it and think he is so cute, and an Adam driver one that was super weird, lots of free falling but also flying? Definitely close to a lucid dream I felt like I was making my own decisions they were just absolutely bonkers, like being in a mall, zombies coming, fighting with Adam driver, looking into the sky and "allowing myself to fly by letting go" was what the feeling was. And then I'd get up there and if I tried to land on whatveee the fucking aircraft was everybody was in I'd start falling immediately. Don't ask me where sex fit into this because I truly don't know lmao, I just remember being in a place I knew was his apartment and arguing and then we started and fucking and it was less sweet more hot, it's probably been all those Girls clips showing up on my tiktok page.

Dylan and I had awesome sex today also, probably the best in a minute. I wish I felt like making out with him I miss it so much, idk how to bring up his breath though without hurting his feelings. But I really miss kissing, it doesn't seem like he does though. It reminds me of when I first started staying over with him again in denton when he was still talking to Veronica. Like first first. Super weird thoughts as like he reminded me a week or so ago. But then I'm like does my breath stink? Has his always smelled this bad? Is something wrong or am I just gross and don't care?n idk im gonna have to bring it up at some point and it just sucks that i have to.

And I love my body and it sucks that I've been feeling so weird and off about it lately. Trying to be extra mindful to push those thoughts away when they start but it's hard. I think it's the physical therapy and all the mirrors and feeling gross with the way I walk now. Idk. Gotta push those thoughts aside it doesn't fucking matter and I love my body and I feel beautiful I really really do. And I don't feel like I need anybody to tell me that anymore. Please god let me get my fucking hair done on Sunday like I'm supposed to please please please

Manifesting twice as much business next year!! I can do it!! Everything is amazing and beautiful and life is going so well for me and it will never stop because of how capable and determined and just frankly fucking awesome I am!! I love myself!!

[peenybobini]

2:40 am on October 16, 2023.

I stayed up too late and I'm exhausted but in a good way

1. I beat baldur's gate today, 100 hours and 5 minutes on my first playthrough. Melancholic, teared up at Karlach's scenes. Honestly disappointed though. I wish I had gone with my instinct and started a new file when I realized I hadn't successfully romanced anyone but I was too invested lol

2. Started a new resisting the dark urge save, played for like 5 hours tonight. It's definitely not as magical as it was experiencing everything the first time, I so wish this had been my initial experience but I'm still enjoying it so much. Attempted a Jack run as well and that's been wildly ineffective but silly and fun regardless

3. Dylan's dad talked with him on the phone today and was exceedingly kind, supportive, and understanding about his employment situation. We talked a lot about options today and he seems really motivated to make the change. I feel like it's real this time, I feel like I might be getting a part of my life back in a way? I'm obsessed with him and these few long years of being on opposite schedules has been such a trial for me and I think it might be improving so soon

4. My work week looks good and busy, feeling excited about my job

5. Showered at my parents tonight and dad grilled burgers. Had a really good conversation with them and Dylan tonight and that's always my favorite thing in the world to sit in on, my favorite people all hanging out and getting along never gets old

6. Moxie and Kai sleeping next to me the whole like 3ish hours it took for me to complete the last part of the game. I love them so much

[peenybobini]

It's 2:17 am on October 14th, 2023.

I'm in bed in the little rent house I share with the lvoe of my life and our animals. I need to get some sleep as I have to go in to work earlier tomorrow and it'll be a good, long, productive day. I'm feeling good and happy.

1. Dylan coming to pick me up and take me home!!

2. Another new client at work today, had a good time and she seemed to enjoy her tint and wax, she rescheduled so we'll see if she comes back! Love when nerve wracking situations go well.

3. Moxxi crying when I come home because she's so happy!! Dylan and I talking about how many of her mannerisms remind me of Jax. I love that guy so much. Learning to clean the immense grief with love.

4. Being able to kiss Dylan goodnight.

5. Feeling emotional about leaving my parents house after staying there for so long. I really love them, even when we get on each other's nerves. I HAVE to start prioritizing spending more neutral time with them, especially my dad.

6. Finishing up the last few quests in Baldurs Gate my first run. Bittersweet.

7. Dylan hooked my PC up to the tv so I could lounge and play my game. He's the best and takes such good care of me when I'm unable to. I hope to be able to return the favor someday.

[peenybobini]

It's 12:52 am on October 13th, 2023.

I'm in bed preparing to go to sleep next to my mom. I broke my ankle a month ago, 3 weeks into starting my own business. I'm feeling good today. My boyfriend quit his job? Lost his job? I think more quit suddenly today, but I'm honestly feeling okay about it. Hoping that he's able to find what he needs to get out of life and praying this pushes some motivation into him!! Love him, he's been very supportive of everything going on lately and I'm appreciative of that. Learning the hard way not to rely on him for everything. My thoughts are jumbled but I'm sure I'll know what I mean. I've been feeling the urge to write again so I figured now is as good a time as any. My dad said an interesting thing today- "As long as you're a giver, the takers will find you." It wasn't in reference to me, and in fact was a reference to many other relationships in our family dynamic. Its hard being back home and seeing first hand how much everyone in their life takes advantage of them. I refuse to let that be me. Im going to find success and help them one day somehow, even though it will pale in comparison to the support they've provided for me through all of the hardships I've experienced.

Anyways, all of that's in the past now. Idk if I'll ever return, but if I do I'm going to try to keep track of the things that happen each day that bring me joy and make me happy, just like I used to do when I had the idea a while ago when I was paying someone to therapist myself lol.

1. Good day at work, easy, quiet, quick appointments. Have made okay money so far this month!

2. Dylan coming over to watch survivor. I love that the longer we're together the more ways I figure out how to make him laugh, the best feeling.

3. Star Guardian Syndra became available in the hextech shop and I snatched that shit up immediately.

4. Had fun going to 5 below and making some silly purchases (Kermit tee for me, herbilogy tee for Dyl, phone charm that is too small but also too bulky to use for work lol)

5. Upgrading to the 15 as soon as it arrives in the mail, ended up being only $5, told my parents I'd pay but they're not into that.

6. Rewatched jujutsu kaisen 0 with my dad, he got invested and was asking me questions and wanted to know what was going on, especially when I then watched the newly released episode he was totally lost. I like having good moments with just him.

7. Ate Indian food for the first time in weeks. Aloo curry. Fucking delicious.

8. Dylan putting my cardigan on me and smoking a bowl out of a pipe with me on the porch and having a good conversation even though he was stressed beyond belief. We're good for each other. I love him