I need to sort through my thoughts and feelings. I’m so upset. (The mother of the groom strikes again)
Everything about planning this wedding has been scary and stressful. I’m all over the place.
We found a venue that we liked – actually, she found it. She suggested it. It meant moving the ceremony up by a day, from a Saturday to Friday. I was a bit hesitant but agreed; the venue is very pretty (particularly outdoors) and I didn’t think I’d find anything I liked better in time that was also available.
But then she decided (I was unaware) that since it was a weekday, the time needed to be changed. So the ceremony would no longer by at 3 in the afternoon, but 6 in the evening, with the reception (taking place at a separate location) starting at 7:30.
She also began talking about moving the reception to the restaurant that’s adjacent to the reception venue, because our guest list is so small and the minimum catering charge is so bloated. Which is understandable, except...I was clear my list would be small from the offset, and having it at the restaurant would make it a completely different venue – we wouldn’t have access to the photography locations that are the reason I wanted that location.
The restaurant also has a different menu, and there are no vegetarian options as main courses – only sides like cheese bread and pretzel bites, and a berry salad (I don’t like berry salad).
After offering to pay for the wedding and making sweeping promises, they then turned around and expressed they’re now having financial problems and probably aren’t going to be able to free up the funds in time. “So it would be really great if you guys could pitch in”. My hours have been cut back at work (15-22 a week). We’re saving up for a move (and a baby, although they don’t yet know it). I never wanted a big wedding; she did. She said she ‘wanted to give me the wedding she never had’, which is another way of saying she wants to vicariously have this wedding for herself, and it’s pretty obviously a status symbol for her. I accepted because she kept pushing for it, and I knew it would ingratiate me to her. During that discussion she also cut the budget for my dress in half (and said “and if you wanted you could probably find something just as nice for even cheaper”), after I’ve narrowed down my selection and need to make a decision in the next week.
I don’t want an evening wedding. For one thing, although I assumed the reception would probably go into the night, I figured we’d have lots of time in the daylight for good photos, including specifically at the reception venue (which now, 2 and a half months out, may not even be available). The location also closes at 9:30 (the restaurant) or midnight (the main hall), which given that some of the guests include the elderly and those driving in from out-of-state, they’re unlikely to want to stay that late anyway.
She argued that we could go take photos before the ceremony (so go to Reception location and take photos, then go to Ceremony location 20-30 minutes away, then back to Reception location). I asked JJ, “sooo...you’d be seeing me in my dress before I walk down the aisle?”
He said that obviously he’d still be stunned and thrilled watching me come down the aisle later, and...sure. She said that “lots of people do it, your cousins did it.” But it’s not the same. It’s not what I want. I don’t want a later party. I don’t want him to see me before the aisle.
She then said “we’re not changing the time. It’s not negotiable” (she didn’t check if the chapel is available earlier, it most likely is. And we have the reception location from 9am to midnight). She then said that if we change the time, she’s not paying for the wedding.
I’ve known this was going to happen from the beginning. That offering to pay was not out of love or generosity, but to be able to say that she did, and be intimately involved and make decisions for us.
The thought of starting out my marriage with her overriding us on what should be such a simple, basic decision makes me feel sick.
I don’t know if I’m ready to throw everything away over it, but going along with it disturbs me to my core. It’s the principle of the thing. It’s knowing that we’re reinforcing once again her exerting control over us, and callously dismissing our wishes. I also know that it’s very unlikely to be the only demand she makes. For example, she’s also now pressuring (insisting) that we take at least two weeks off to go Michigan before the ceremony, and that we can’t do all the preparations there in only a week. I can’t take that much time off (and she’s talking about a honeymoon on top of that). Not only would my job not approve it, it’s unethical to my client(s). I can’t afford to take that much time off work and still make rent. But she brooks no room for argument. She has to be in charge of everything (like when she decided how I should celebrate my birthday, and what restaurant to go to, and I ended up just canceling and crying in bed all day instead).
I can’t live like that. I won’t. I lived so much of my life feeling out of control, and of course there’s only so much in our lives we can control in the first place – I understand that. But what I can control, I should be able to. I’ve spent enough time being dictated to and disrespected. I won’t choose that for myself. I won’t teach my child that it’s better to just avoid conflict and forgo your own happiness and freewill.
I don’t know what to do about the wedding. Jj says he just wants to marry me, but I know he’d be disappointed. Calling her bluff would be effectively burning the last of the bridge, and would hurt him. But it makes me feel foul. I think it’s a sick precedent. It deeply unsettles me how casually she results to manipulation and outright coercion to ensure she will always remain in control, even over the lives of others, and how little regard she has for their feelings.
I wanted a wedding – not a big one, but a wedding, and realistically there’s no wedding if they don’t pay for it. Even a basic venue and food costs more than we can afford, and we definitely can’t organize anything else so late.
I know I have to cave. But if I do it’s going to eat me alive. I feel so small. I’m so angry and sad. I should be able to decide the time and length of my own wedding.
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