Adventure awaits. @penciltipsandpirateships - Tumblr Blog

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2017 has been something. It’s been busy, challenging, full of questions and doubt and change. It’s been full of new experiences, new faces, and truly seeing what I need to work on. It was full of some of my biggest accomplishments and worst heartbreaks. But through all of the brokenness, 2017 showed me just how strong I really am. And I experienced firsthand how strong and faithful my God is, even when I think I can do it on my own. I am not the slightest bit sad to see this year go, but I can’t help but still feel grateful. In 2018, I’m not looking for a clean slate, I’m making my mosaic. #yourbrokennessiswelcomehere

#yourbrokennessiswelcomehere

lauren-cim

A way too personal life update

So I️ know I️ haven’t really put myself out there a lot but I’ve been making a lot of changes lately so I’m gonna share something a bit personal with you all. I️ have been going through one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through for the last 2 weeks and I️ wanna talk about how that’s been and also some of the insights I’ve had from it. I️ have had a lotttt of internal struggles throughout my life and what I️ mean by that is that there haven’t been a lot of hard things that have happened to me necessarily, but a lot of hard things have gone on inside of me that I’ve had to deal with. But this time it’s something internal and external. And it involves other people. And it is the most overwhelming thing I️ have ever experienced. I’ve never cried so much or felt so internally crippled as I️ did these last two weeks. I️ had a bit of a breakthrough last night but I️ know this is not the end of all of this. This is going to continue to affect me for a while. But I️ feel like I’m getting up from the initial fall and here is how I️ did that:

When it happened I️ was completely devastated. Overwhelmed. Broken. In a different and deeper way than ever before. So I️ accepted it. I️ realized ok wow I️ am not okay at all and I’m not gonna pretend like I️ am. I️t was so hard to talk about at first so I️ just told my friends that I️ wasn’t okay but I didn’t really know how to talk about it. I️ made a playlist of songs that fit my situation and also songs that gave me hope. And I️ listened to it constantly. I️ gave myself permission to not be okay. Permission to fail. Permission to be basically a lump of a human for a little while. And I️ told my family and friends “hey look I️ am not myself right now so I️ need you to be gentle with me and not expect what you used to expect from me cause I️ can’t give that right now. I️ won’t be able to be there for you like I️ used to be. I️ need support and I need space to take care of myself.” And for once in my life I️ stopped thinking about every other person in the world and I️ started to think about myself. I️ took naps. Long naps. A lot of them. I️ said no when I️ wanted to and I️ said yes when I️ wanted to. I️ called people out when they were being insensitive or making me upset instead of trying to let it go like I️ usually would’ve. I reached out to friends and family members and I️ talked about myself and my problems for long periods of time and I️ didn’t feel guilty for it. I️ didn’t rush and I️ let myself be a few minutes late if I️ couldn’t get everything done in time. I️ learned that people will live if you’re a few minutes late. I️ listened to guilt trips and backhanded remarks and instead of feeling guilty I️ let them bounce off of me cause after all, I️ have permission to not do my best right now. I️ got angry. Really angry. Which is something that’s hard for me cause I’ve never really known what to do with anger and I’m still trying to figure that out. I️ listened to angry music on walks and I️ wrote scathing letters in my journal that no one else would see. I let myself be upset, irritable, and detached and didn’t worry about how others would respond to it because I️ honestly just didn’t have the energy. I️ confronted people in my life that have hurt me. I still have a few more people on that list, but I’ll get to them when I️’m ready.

There were 2 really important things I️ did.

I️ surrendered.

And I️ trusted.

I️ surrendered to the hurricane of emotion inside of me. I️ let myself feel whatever I️ was feeling and I️ didn’t apologize for it or try to change it. I️ rode each wave until it crashed. I️ trusted that God would get me through it. I️ got mad at God, I️ didn’t really pray a lot, but at my worst times I️ asked Him to get me through this and I️ trusted that He would.

It’s really hard for me to not really try in life because I️ am constantly thinking about my life and what I’m doing and why I’m doing it and where I’m going and what it all means so it was terrifying for me to look at myself and see that I️ wasn’t really doing anything. I️ wasn’t moving toward anything. I️ wasn’t focused on anything other than trying not to lose my mind. And there was no future I️ could think of that sounded good to me. I️t all just sucked, really. I️ had been living with absolutely no purpose and I️ hated that more than anything. I️ realized I️ had to find purpose in just being alive. I️ was watching Stranger Things 2 and the scenes where eleven was living in the woods just trying to survive really hit me because literally her entire life’s goal and purpose at that point was just to stay alive. She didn’t have a job, she wasn’t helping anyone, she wasn’t making any impact on the world yet we were all rooting for her to catch another squirrel or whatever and keep herself alive. There was meaning and purpose in it. So that became my purpose. Just live. Just get through it. Literally just live. Another. Day. So many destructive thoughts came into my head of things I️ could do to escape this situation and some of them sounded sooo appealing but I️ knew that if I️ did those things it would just make everything worse. So many dark thoughts came into my head but I️ did my best to push them out because again, I️ knew that succumbing to them would make everything worse. I️ had a quiet hope in my heart that God would take care of me and that hope is what pushed me to keep going. And when everything was too much, I️ just took a long nap. Or I️ just cried my eyessss out. but even when I️ felt so dark and defeated, I️ never lost that quiet hope inside of me.

I️ see it like this. When you are in the storm, you have to just accept it. Do your best to stay afloat and deal with the storm at hand. It’s terrifying and it’s so hard, but you have to trust that soon enough the coast guard is gonna come and get you out. He always does. And you’ll be back on the shore before you know it. You can’t ignore the storm and you can’t stop it from coming. You just have to get through it and no matter what, never lose touch with that quiet hope inside.

penciltipsandpirateships

It makes me sad to know people are feeling the same way I am, but it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one and we can get through it together.

The mountains are calling and I must go // Did a little t-shirt modeling for @valleybranchcreative (now taking inquiries for free merch- just kidding...free food works too😉). Not only do the t-shirts, hats, and other goodies speak to my adventurous heart, they are super cute and comfortable! I could seriously live in this t-shirt. Go check them out! ⛰✨📷: @chelseablanchphoto (at Old Ellicott City)