another random tumblr post on a random blog no one follows (thank god?)
writing any post on here is honestly really strange to me, when i was younger i watched so much youtube, i used to talk to myself and imagine i had an audience to talk to (even though i was a really shy and socially anxious child) but in some way, this is like that.
I dont really know, im kind of in the feels. This might sound kind of strange, but i finished watching heated rivalry yesterday night (binged it all in one go) and it was incredible. At first i was kind of sceptical because there were so many 18+ scenes right off the bat and i dont usually watch any shows that are romance/lust heavy, but i heard so many good reviews i had to watch it. And i was definitely not dissapointed, holy. It wasnt even necessarily the steamy scenes that did it for me, but all the tender intimacy they started showing, and all the very obvious yearning through hidden touches and longing stares. I dont really relate to the obvious theme of the show, i am bisexual (but not really biromantic? still figuring that one out) and live in a country where its fairly accepted and celebrated, but the whole show still hit me hard just because of how they figure out and eventually show their love.
Now that i finished watching it, im obsessed with pretty much every aspect of the show, am watching a shit ton of edits on insta, watched their irl interviews, and have "my moon my man" as well as "ill believe in anything" on repeat. But seeing all the edits of their romantic scenes also kind of like, hurts? Because ive never experienced that, ever, and even though im still fairly young i feel like ill never experience that. If i ever do, i still feel like itll never be this kind of extreme yearning, because i just cant see someone I *also* like liking me back in such a big way (i emphasize the *also* because ive had people like me, but ive never been able to like them back because i just cant see myself with them, which also makes me think that maybe im the reason ive never had a relationship, but thats a different thing for another day). I cant imagine someone remembering something i said just once, or someone noticing something i really like or smth i do a lot. I feel this same kind of yearning for connection when i play games/watch shows that show really good, established friendship (groups), because even though i have friends, even fairly good friends, its never like the games or shows. i never feel like i have this pure connection to anyone.
Moving on from heated rivalry and other shows/games, im also super annoyed at myself for not being able to forget a person i used to talk to (its been approximately 2 months since we've talked). You could describe it as a situationship i guess? we met on discord on a less-than-wholesome server for less-than-wholesome reasons, but still eventually talked more and exchanged instas, started talking irl stuff. We live in the same country, but a 3-4 hour car ride away from each other. at first i was like "yeah we wouldnt work out because of the distance" (i know, some couples make it work with *even more* distance, but i always, always always thought i could never do long distance, nevermind fall in love with someone just over the internet. well, i wasnt really in love, but i was on the way to developing a serious crush. regret that still.) but eventually i kinda caught feelings and that thought flew out the window for me. but we had different plans in life, he wanted to move even further away for uni if he got in (i dont even know if he did or not) and i also started uni, but in my home town, so i would also be busy a lot. but i still wouldve managed to message and talk to him. he started working and we stopped talking almost immediately because he was so exhausted all the time. then one night hes drunk/tipsy on his way home and we write back and forth on discord, and he really drops an "i love you" bomb. which he couldnt have meant serious in any way, shape or capacity, because otherwise we wouldnt have stopped talking??? i loved talking to him, always looked forward to him messaging me, and he was my type irl too. i was foolish enough to think that he could be my first relationship, but now its just a failed situationship lol. i was/am mostly bummed about it bc it wouldve been the first ever experience for me, but apparently it wasnt meant to be. i also cant forget all the stuff i know about him, which is honestly the worst part. funnily enough, its his birthday today. i only knew him for like three and a half months, but remembered shit like that anyway. hes such a fuckhead. or maybe im the fuckhead. who knows. i also constantly imagine him just messaging me randomly again, but im certain that wont happen. i also saw him on the dc server we met on, looking to *meet* with people close to him for hookups lol. so since then im kind of sure that it was all just beneficial to him, and once he got bored he stopped caring. it often also felt like we were just talking about him, his life and his feelings a lot. whenever i talked about something (he didnt ask about) i felt like i was bothering him or interrupting the conversation. he gave half-arsed responses or straight up didnt answer. then other times he had such an interest in what i was saying, that i was flattered. god, it was just all total bullshit, no? fuck me for thinking someone that was my type, someone i liked, could have actual interest in me too!
well. i think the rant is over. there is still a heated rivalry shaped hole in my heart (im kind of serious. thinking about this show makes my heart ache.) but it may also just be an obsession because im wanting to live vicariously through them.
rant over? no one reads these, only my future self (so i can cringe or get in my feels)
its kind of like journaling, but with the aspect of putting it out there so people *could* respond. kind of feels more freeing than writing it down in a doc or in a book, because of that aspect. it just feels a tiny bit like telling someone.
stormborns
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