Penny's Thoughts

Hi, I'm Penny. This is my collection of moods, thoughts, art and everything else I like. Im a poet dammit someone has to believe me

[pennylessthoughts]

there's light behind my eyes again

there's bags under them too

to be loved and love to the point of exhaustion

to create space and time from sheer desire

and still feel so full and alive

is a weary bliss

how lucky I am to be this tired

how lucky I am to feel this light

blessings in the form of blurry eyes,

body being held heavy in the arms of respite

how lucky I am to have light behind my eyes again

and the bags under them too

[pennylessthoughts]

Things are different with you in my life now

I had to buy a new type of blanket

a lighter one

and the "right" direction to lay it out has changed.

I had to buy new coffee mugs

some coffee too

and the Starbucks cups aren't piling up anymore.

I had to let you into my life

you didnt fit

and the changes will have to come in time

but my mornings are so much sweeter

because things are different with you in my life now

[pennylessthoughts]

I just wanna go to the arcade 😭😭😭 why does everyone gotta be fucking broke

[pennylessthoughts]

I found a poem from 4 and 1/2 years ago

I remembered I had written only at the point when I went to write a new one today. The topic being how I could finally rest my search, and that I feel like I have found the one I can settle into for my life. And how relaxing that feels.

I went back because I felt like I had written on a similar topic before.

My old poem was the statement of a desire. of a dream for a life where its easier.

A dream of the life that I am finally living.

Incredible.

when i wrote it, I was still fairly unhappily floating around relationships. A year out from my last break-up. 2 years out from my last happy relationship. stuck in abuse cycles, and maladaptive coping strategies. Everyone who was nice became the object of my obsession and a perceived savior. I dont even remember who the "you" was in this. but even if it was someone real, that person was always an interchangeable straw-man for someone I could actually love.

When i read this now I can only think of my partner. and how they've given this to me

I didnt know this would be my reality. ever.

counting my blessings this evening.

[pennylessthoughts]

its a weird feeling

after all these years

to feel like this could be it

you could be it

I want that reassurance that I dont have to look anymore

that i can rest in you

in us

[pennylessthoughts]

I couldn't ignore you that easily

and its a bittersweet acceptance

knowing that you can.

because on one hand

I'm glad you don't center me

in a dependant and reliant way

and feel comfortable enough to brush me off for a while

but on the other hand

I couldn't ignore you that easily

and you did.

ignore me that is.

you left hearts like a checklist

until you felt you fulfilled your duty

and then put me away.

so its all a bit cheapend now.

hearts are a little more hollow, knowing how freely they can be given

and your retroactive responses once you realized I wasnt fooled

felt more like a gun point apology than anything with sincerity

saying what you need to, to repair the damage done.

unfortunately everything just continues to inform me

and i wont forget how easily you did that

and you did.

ignore me that is.

I couldnt ignore you that easily

and i cant be placted that easily either.

so make your music and disappear for 8 hours

just dont be so sure that ill be where you left me

because I won't take being ignored that easily

for that long

much longer

[pennylessthoughts]

I want to create more poetry about you

but i think I left all my words at your place.

maybe a few stuck between the couch cushions

a couple by the door

some scattered in the bed sheets

more on the nightstand.

Shit, I think theres a couple stuck to your cheek

ah, yup, your neck too

even some on your collar bone.

I suppose it doesn't matter, though,

that these words of mine have a way of escaping my mouth

because they still find their way to you,

right where they belong.

[pennylessthoughts]

I have put genuinely countless hours into this mixtape for you

i miss you

I love you

it drives me to the deepest creative states ive ever been in

[pennylessthoughts]

it doesn't play 😔👈 sometimes it really is fuck physical media

[pennylessthoughts]

I have put genuinely countless hours into this mixtape for you

i miss you

I love you

it drives me to the deepest creative states ive ever been in

[pennylessthoughts]

while I did sleep better home, alone, in my bed, with my comfort items and blankets, and YouTube playing in the background.

I missed you when I woke up. I was awake and you weren't there. And it didnt feel good. ive grown used to you my love. in the groggy moments of the morning, I want you to be by mt side.

[pennylessthoughts]

you have a lot of guilt for how you left your ex

on one hand, you say the only reason you left is because you wanted more experiences. part of me doesn't believe thats the only reason, and that thats just the justification you gave it to explain away the faults. to excuse them of wrong doing.

because on the otherhand you tell me stories and share experiences where I can see there was a bit of incompatibility and that it wouldn't have been a sustainable relationship anyways. they're behavior after the breakup only furthering that concept.

but it doesn't matter how I perceive it because youre the one basing your actions on your perception. So you have a lot of guilt for why you left. I can sense your desire to do things right with me, and treat me well, etc like you keep saying, and I feel like its motivation is to not repeat your past, or make up for the guilt.

I'm afraid you you'll do it again. im afraid you miss your ex. im afraid that its been less than a year. i think you're afraid of those things too. but i also have a deep understanding and care for you now so if things fall through, I think ill live. at this point I just want to support you through the process. no matter how many steps forward or backward it is.

I just hope you love me for the right reasons. I hope i can give you things your ex couldn't, that you need. I hope that if you decide to go back, that i can still be your friend. but i know I probably won't be able to. but know I'd love you and support the decision.

I just hope you actually love me.

and that you're not doing what ive done in the past, where ive had to convince myself i love someone. saying I love you like its an affirmation. hoping that maybe the next time you say it, it will sound right. a prayer you say to yourself hoping some godly being will touch your heart and make it true. repeating it constantly, hoping you belive it one day.

I hope you believe it one day.

I hope its enough.

[pennylessthoughts]

a solid foundation

a system rooted deeply in respect and admiration

stretching down into the soft soils of our souls

nurturing itself on the nutrients left from the decayed remains of the lessons of our pasts

no wonder our love grows stronger with each new discovery

With so much richness in our lives

our roots have so much to feed on.

we're beginning to not fear the winds

knowing we can weather the storm

and not be uprooted when the gales roll in.

no longer a sappling, we have developed branches

and a canopy of awe-inspiring beauty

that draws comment from passers by

and we smile knowing thats only a small reflection of the deepness of our connection.

Theres still many heights left to reach

as we stretch our love to the skies

with strong roots keep us grounded

as we continue to grow

[pennylessthoughts]

and then you left

the tension still straining as you descend the stairs

I cant explain away the fears.

my words have no weight here.

this is a job best left to time

and trust.

youll trudge home,

worry draped around your neck

the past sitting heavy on your eyes waterline.

you may even blink

and let it come crashing into the present

causing the ink of reality to blur

and muddy with the saline of the what-ifs

But i know it'll be okay

I can see the story as its written

and I know there are chapters beyond the stains

where the lovers get their happy ending.

keep reading my love

ill be waiting on the other side for you

when the paper dries

[pennylessthoughts]

Im truly terrified that the more you find out about me and how I function that youll like me less and less. That ill be too much to deal with. too hot and cold. too emotional. too easily triggered. I was trying so not to let it get to the point where I was scared to lose you but ive fallen now. I think i would be hurt now. fuck.

[pennylessthoughts]

Beginning with you

was as natural as rain fall

in the softness of the morning

and the fog still thick in the air.

it washes away all of the doubts and fears

and waters the roots of a love destined to grow.

The haze wrapped us in a scented reminder that moments are meant to be shared

and being able to share them with you

is fruit plucked from a tree that was born of resilience

and stands as a monument to a life forged by us, before us, for us

as we walked through the mist

i exhaled a breath of life I didnt know I was holding

oh how tender new beginnings can be.

leaves blow as our soft green sapling grows

shaking off of the morning dew

Moments like this are just as natural as

beginning with you

[pennylessthoughts]

I think im a bit bummed because I had set out very specific goals for my evening and I feel like none of them were accomplished. I was kind of hoping we could be more goal focused together. but its not the deep. I am also a person of balance, and it does bother me a bit you wouldn't consider staying over at my place. but its fine. your beds bigger I get it.

[pennylessthoughts]

yeeeaaaaaa you understand me. keep telling me what to do plz and thank u