this final post is going to be more personal, more of a reflection than an explanation of sorts. this is also the first time that i’ve been open about myself as a person on here…
when i first started writing fanfiction i was around in 5th or 6th grade. and then i joined tumblr around 9th or 10th grade. it’s been a roller coaster ever since with more fond memories than icky ones, and i’m very grateful for the fun threads and cool people i’ve had the pleasure to write with. i used to have a very dark mindset, and writing was my escape. i got professional help, and slowly my activity on tumblr started to grew more and more distant. dazai was my last “disturbed” muse that i wrote, and that i could escape into. i’ve tried coming back a handful of times, to dazai or to my other muses, but i just can’t.
tumblr as a site has changed a lot since my teenage years, and i have as well. i don’t think about self harm anymore. i don’t need these characters to escape my hell irl anymore. even just typing all this out, being vulnerable, gives me anxiety. but, i don’t feel the need to hide away anymore, and mask with my favorite characters. i don’t have that same mindset as i did when i was a teenager/just becoming an adult to jump on, spend all day here, and rinse and repeat. i have bad days still, but now i have a group of very supportive friends that i can lean on.
sometimes i do miss writing. and i’ve tried writing on here. but i don’t see it happening anymore. if i were to continue writing, it’d be on ao3.
i won’t delete my blogs, because looking through them i actually felt proud of myself. there’s been a lot of shit that i’ve overcome, a lot of shit i’m still actively dealing with, but i can say that i did it all on my own. my blogs will be a reminder to myself that i came a very long way. and they’ll be archived into a little corner that’s very personal to me.
happy new year~
