penultimate thoughts

[penultimatethoughts]

Well, I haven't done this in a while. I'm wildly unmedicated - my emotions and thoughts unbridled for the first time in years.

--

I have a person now. That's new, too. He's kind and smart and wants all the best things for me.

He's never wanted to die before.

I don't want to die anymore.

Thankfully that's not the melody on repeat in my brain anymore, I've grown. I spent countless nights convincing myself that I wasn't dying and I won that war. Years ago I won that war.

It's been so long since I've won that war that I forgot that it made me strong. It made me wise.

I was under the impression that when I won that war, it would end. But he's never fought that war and I'm seeing now the ways in which I'm still fighting it because I watch him and -we're different.

I've been

Fighting to stop my aged scars from reopening

Fighting to convince myself that I wasn't once broken

Fighting to convince myself that I'm a person who doesn't have to wear "well worn and once broken" as a name tag like a used car for sale in a back lot.

Fighting to convince myself that if I fix other people's problems I don't have to see mine.

I'm a social worker.

He's a preacher. He's a damn good preacher.

He's not used like me and he doesn't understand I don't think he'll understand

When I tell him that momma and I used to sleep under the desk at the motel while daddy worked so that we could pay rent and how my carrier fit right next to the trash can so we never got caught and I was taught to stay small and quiet how could he understand

Who could understand

He has money. I'm 40k in debt trying to solve other people's problems and I've been doing that since I was 4 when my best friend was a kid who lived in a shelter

That kid had a scar across his neck because his daddy tried to slit his throat

My dad slept with other women but he never tried to kill me so I guess had a good dad

He says it's a foreign world to him

It's my world. Where the earth turns slowly so you can see neglect in real time and poverty in slow motion.

I don't know if this will work. He thinks it will. I think I'm still wearing my name tag.

[penultimatethoughts]

I was like a small flower, growing in wretched soil, the only nourishment to my heart, my leaves, my petals, was contaminated with malice and anger. 

One day, the door to my dark shed opened. A bright light shown in on me for the first time and God in all his glory laid eyes on me; me in my small rotting pot.

With out delay, he uprooted me by my base; he shook me until all the rotten soil fell from my roots. Naked and exposed for all that I was, God took pity on me, a lowly flower, trying to survive in the darkness.

He took me in his hand and carried my out of my familiar, toxic shed and showed me the sunlight. I felt it on my petals, my leaves soaked it in and my veins were warm with his mercy for half molten state.

The Lord walked me to his garden and I saw beautiful, beaming, flourishing, flowers of all different shapes and colors. What a privilege, to shine like that for the Savior. I was in awe but acutely aware of my drying petals and my yellow leaves, my roots still exposed and thirsty.

He laid me down gently in the warm grass by his feet and began to press into the soil. There, he created a whole in the earth just wide and deep enough specifically for me to fit. 

He placed my roots deep into the dirt; cool to the touch of my roots. The soil was dense and teemed with vitality. He covered my roots with a handful of grace and they held strong to the nourishment beneath them; I felt loved and protected.

He tended to me daily with water and kinds words and these leaves began to turn green and for once, my stem stood straight as I stretched toward his face. The worker bees began to bring me pollen courage and I grew twice my height and loved myself twice as much. Now, my petals are vibrant and my leaves pull in sunshine and roots soak up minerals and I am wholly beautiful because he sought after me in love, undeserving.  

[penultimatethoughts]

[penultimatethoughts]

Fuck yourself. Forgive me for doing me without asking you, I forgot it was a sin. You didn't want me so why should you dictate my actions. Nah, fuck you.

[penultimatethoughts]

After all this time, it comes as easy as breathing

Pulling in the love & compassion I carry, so to stash it deep within my chest

Then letting loose the notion that my name escapes your lips without the least of nuance

[picsandquotes]

Please forgive me if I don’t talk much at times. It’s loud enough in my head.

(via picsandquotes)

[penultimatethoughts]

[penultimatethoughts]

[penultimatethoughts]

Mental illness is hard enough on the inside, why on earth are we telling ourselves that for the next 12 hours we need to hold our breath and hold our tongue and hope no one asks us for more than that because if we open our mouths our anxieties will flood the place and “kill the mood”.

[penultimatethoughts]

He’s everything I always said I wanted.

But you’re all the things I never knew I needed.

[penultimatethoughts]

You're like a bandaged cut I'm afraid to uncover because my open wounds are painful 

but what's worse is, baby, what if I've healed?

[penultimatethoughts]

How does it feel to be a part of my baggage?

[penultimatethoughts]

"It's 103 Godforsaken degrees but the breeze, it feels half amazing" -p.a.o.

[withonefootinafairytale]

Turn my eyes from worthless things, and give me life through your word.

Psalm 119:37 (via withonefootinafairytale)

[penultimatethoughts]

1 Doctor 1 Therapist 1 Psychiatrist 3 Medications 4 Pharmacies & counting

just keep fighting.

[penultimatethoughts]

Lord,

When I worry, remind me that your plan is already set in place; when I feel unworthy, remind me that I'm made in your image; when I seek attention, remind me that earthly validation is fleeting compared to your love; when I fear being judged, remind me that only your judgment transcends this lifetime; when I feel incapable of living up to the incredible plans you have for me, remind me that nothing I do can stop you from reaching this world with your gospel of love and truth and that you want me to be a part of it.

[penultimatethoughts]

Even in the middle of the crowd, an addiction to antidepressants still sounds preferable to being anti-depressed and the toxicity that accompanies feeling this alone comes on quicker than intoxication escorted by the booze.

[penultimatethoughts]

Edit:

Even in the middle of this crowd, an addiction to these pills still sounds preferable to being happy and the toxicity brought by feeling this alone comes on quicker than simply getting drunk.