How To Talk To People

[peopleguides]

About me

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Hi! I do a lot of reading, some psychology, and love talking to people. I'm okay at it.

These guides are for people who want specific tips and "how to" guides to start having conversations (or have better conversations).

Not meant to be offensive, so please no comments about the "types" of people listed. If you see yourself listed, know that you're not hard to talk to, you just deserve to have better conversations.

Disclaimers: not a therapist, or a psychologist. Tips are just from my own experiences and observations. Take everything with a grain of salt: this might not apply to you and your own situation.

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[greelin]

genuinely how are you supposed to know when a conversation is over. Must everything be some sort of puzzle

[peopleguides]

How to listen, in all the ways that matter

Hey, I get it. Sometimes you're bursting with things to say, or feel as if you don't chime in it will be like you weren't in the conversation at all. That's normal, you deserve to be heard too! But sometimes your conversation partner needs a listener and you just aren't too sure how to do that. That happens too.

You can tell when a listener is needed when the conversation is heavy. Even if their demeanour is playful, or nonchalant, heavy topics weigh more on the end with more information. So be prudent, and assume they need a listener. If you're unsure, you can always ask! People appreciate this.

Know that conversations are always 2 way streets! Just because you're not talking, doesn't mean you're not contributing to the conversation. Listening is just as, and sometimes, even more important. So don't be worried about not contributing. They're talking to you because they want to.

When listening, think of your conversation partner. There's so much information to gather. Why are they telling you this? How would this make them feel? What are they doing with this information? But also look at how their body language matches up. Are they trying to play this off in defense? Are they nervous to say this? Do they need gentleness, or honesty, or silence?

Listening is great because it gives you time to think of a response. Being gentle takes time. It also takes effort, to pick and choose what to say. Always say what you would want to hear, yourself. What you would have hoped to hear in your darkest times.

And be honest! Solid friendships are built on pure honesty. That's how you get to know one another, truly. It's okay to let your train of thoughts out. Sometimes that's better than nothing.

I personally don't think it's ever ideal, but sometimes it's okay to be silent. Don't feel pressured to fill the space if you don't have much to add. That's always the risk, with telling.

Listening takes practice. It's something you perfect over time, over hundreds of conversations. It can take people 6 years to learn, or 75. But we're learning, nonetheless. And we're all trying to make this place better than we found it. So even if you find yourself frustrated with a listener, don't be too hard on them. They'll come into it at their own time.

[peopleguides]

How to talk to people who want company, but not necessarily your company

These are the people who treat you like their entertainer; they come to you when they want social interactions because they know you can set them up and facillitate them. They might enjoy your company, but its not so much you as it is company in general. Dont want to spend one-on-one time with you, or get too deep into their feelings.

Before meeting with them, take the time to remind yourself you are not responsible for their enjoyment. Often it may feel like you have to facillitate their social interactions (because you are!) and you may be constantly gauging their interest and trying to raise it. This can make you feel tired (doing work even on your social time) and bored (nobody caring about YOUR social needs).

Remind yourself that you are not a bad friend for ignoring them sometimes. You have your own social needs and cannot see to anyone else's if your own are not being fulfilled.

Include them in the conversation, but always give them an out. Ask them open ended questions but be prepared to shift the conversation back away if they clam up. Ex. X, dont you also love dogs? *Yes.* See? Dogs are universally loved.

Dont take their disinterest as a reflection on you. Theyre having a good time! If they werent, they would leave. Its horrible to say, but if theyre dettached from the conversation its because they dont care about the conversation.

You can rope them into conversation (if you feel the need to), but not too often. Every 10min or so. Too little is not a problem because theyre dettached, but too much can put them on the spot and irritate them. Theyll see this social experience as an "unpleasant" one and stop coming to you for their social interactions

* its important to distinguish these people from people with anxiety who rely on you to start social connections, or people who are shy/introverted. These people are specifically not as interested in being part of the conversation, just hearing it happen like a podcast. They dont WANT to be included per se.

A lot of the above tips involve things you can do for yourself, because in my experience, the best thing to do is dettach yourself from the dettacher (haha). Its healthy and sets boundaries. But if you really want to talk to them you can talk about the following:

How their life is going (open-ended but you can veer into categories like academics and careers. Steer clear of relationships unless youd be interested in knowing how the career/academics of the other end of the relationship is doing). Allows them to direct the conversation as theyd like

Travel plans and interests, or game plans and interests (but for games youd likely just get an update of what theyre playing and whether its good or not). Small things theyve probably thought about before but not had a chance to think about too deeply. Puts pressure off thinking about their "self" and makes for easy conversation. Leads naturally into a comfortable topic away from the present world for them

Do not push for details!!! They would be unwilling to give them to you and you will come off as nosey.

Listen to what they say, and get them to elaborate on general things theyve made a note to include but dont require introspection. Ex: *me and my partner recently went to florida.* oh! Florida must have been very hot this time of year!