Still one of my favorite things I’ve ever written
In my mind you’re just a hurricane of emotions
There are days I dont feel whole because you’re gone. There are days when I feel lucky to be breathing after surviving you.
Some days are spent painfully reliving everything you put me through. While others are spent regretting my mistakes that helped to build the coffin our relationship now resides in. What a long and winding bridge we have burnt. Part of me will always remain on the other side, with you.
I spend days building what we had up to be this beautiful thing. I start to forget why I ever rid myself of you the first place. I find myself just wanting to hear your voice, and have to hold myself back from the phone. I think of your laugh and start craving your presence, I think of your warmth and start to feel empty without your love.
I remember the great moments, those moments that felt like milliseconds and yet are so crystal clear like they’re burning in my mind. The times I felt so much happiness I didn’t have room for it all in my entire body. The happiness seemed to vibrate from my every part.
I also remember the times I spent balled up on the floor crying. Crying so hard it felt like there was no air left to breathe. All I wanted was your forgiveness even though I couldn’t remember what I had done this time. Without you I had forgotten who I was. My room became so small it was so small and only you and I would fit. My world had slowly become an empty room with only you and I left.
Somehow the heartwarming memories overpower the ones that were detrimental to my soul. The painting I have of you in my heart seems to resemble a sunrise when the reality was a massacre.
For me getting over you has been a process of reopening wounds that have healed incorrectly. To repaint the picture so my desire to hold you fades with every stroke. it’s been painfully reminding myself how toxic you were to my soul, while learning from allowing you to get me down to that point.
For every moment I spent with you I’ll be eternally grateful whether it was a laugh in the car or a fight that felt like it would never end. Every single thing that happened, every second of you, taught me something important about myself.
You taught me what to accept as good enough, not you.
