“A relationship is built for two. Obviously, you don’t know how to count.”
“Acting like a dick won’t make yours any bigger.”
“And you pointing out the obvious is what, helpful?”
”Breaking news just in: you’re an asshole!”
“Congratulations on your ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing.”
“Did someone binge on bitch flakes this morning?”
”Do you ever get off Facebook long enough to live the life you keep bragging about?”
”Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.”
”Everyone has a right to an opinion, and I have a right not to listen to it.”
”Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.”
“Everything’s better when you don’t give a shit.”
“First of all, take a moment to realize who the fuck you’re talking to.”
”Go away, I’m too sober to deal with you.”
”Hey, I found your nose, it’s in my business again!”
“Holding in all this sarcasm physically hurts.”
”How do I block you in real life?”
”I’m an acquired taste. Don’t like me, acquire some taste.”
”I’m going to need you to turn down your psycho for just a bit.”
”I’m not a proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one.”
“I’m not saying you’re stupid, I’m just saying you have bad luck when it comes to thinking.”
“I’m sorry. And by ‘sorry’, I mean get over it.”
“I’m sorry, did you say something? I’m afraid I automatically tune out bullshit.”
”I’m sorry, was it my job to fill your life with joy today?”
”I’m sorry I suck at empathizing with your first world problems.”
”I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.”
“I’m sorry you got offended that one time you were treated the way you treat everyone all the time.”
”I call bullshit!”
”I can always count on you to relentlessly point out the negative.”
“I can only please one person per day and today I chose me!”
”I did not mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.”
”I didn’t mean to push your buttons, I was just looking for mute.”
”I didn’t realize you were the expert on my life and how I should live it.”
”I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.”
”I don’t hate you, I’m just simply not excited about your existence. My bad.”
“I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.”
”I finally got the last knife of the set you’ve been stabbing in my back all these years. Heads up: I re-gift.”
”I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless.”
”I have met some pricks in my time but you sir, are a fucking cactus!”
”I hope that bus you threw me under swerves and hits you on the sidewalk.”
“I know, I know, I stood up for myself, I’m such a bitch.”
”I know money doesn’t grow on trees. That’s why I’m asking you.”
”I love hearing you show off.”
”I love the sound you make when you shut up.”
”I no longer do things that make me want to kill myself.”
”I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person!”
”I see you brought your extra large spoon to stir up trouble.”
”I would like to apologize to anyone I haven’t offended. I am sure I will get to you shortly.”
”I would tell you to go fuck yourself but I’m pretty sure you’d be disappointed.”
“If everywhere you go there’s a problem… Guess what?”
”If I were meant to be controlled I’d come with a remote.”
“If you’re going to be two-faced, at least try to make one of them pretty.”
”If you’re waiting for me to care, you better pack a lunch. It’s gonna be a while.”
”In order for you to insult me I would have to value your opinion. Nice try though.”
”Is there an app I can download to make you go away?”
”Is your drama going to have an intermission soon?”
”Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?”
”It’s called originality, you should try it sometime.”
”It’s impressive that you’re flexible enough to have your foot in your mouth and head up your ass at the same time.”
“No, you’re right, let’s do it the dumbest way possible because it’s easier for you.”
“No need to repeat yourself, I ignored you just fine the first time.”
“No really, it’s adorable when you blame everyone but yourself.”
“Oh, are you talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, did my back ruin your knife?”
”Oh, I heard you. I just don’t care.”
”Oops, I forgot I only exist when you want something.”
“Please be patient, I’m fucking things up as fast as I can.”
“Please cancel my subscription to your issues.”
”Rather than us agreeing to disagree why don’t you just be quiet.”
”Really, you know what that sounds like? Not my problem!”
”Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.”
”Rumors have taught me many a things about myself.”
”So what you’re saying is you don’t like me treating you the way you treat me. How interesting.”
”Some people find fault like there is a reward for it.”
“Sometimes, even I’m surprised by the shit that comes out of this mouth.”
”Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.”
”Thanks, but I function better without unsolicited advice.”
”Thanks for reminding me why I don’t feel guilty that I can’t stand you.”
”Thanks for trying so hard to be just like me. I wouldn’t want to be you, either.”
”Thanks for your complaint. I will file it right between ‘don’t give a flying f*ck’, and ‘sucks to be you’.”
”Thanks for your two cents, but your thoughts just aren’t worth a penny.”
”The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.”
”There is not a sponge in the world that can rival your self-absorption.”
”Too bad you can’t Photoshop your ugly personality.”
”Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take your negativity elsewhere.”
“Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.”
”Wait, come back. You forgot your bullshit.”
”Well, aren’t you just a shiny little hypocrite polished in bullshit!”
”What’s that? You heard a bunch of shit about me from someone who hates me? That shit MUST be true!”
”What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.”
”What I like best about our relationship is how you’re no longer in it.”
“WHAT part of NO don’t you understand?”
“When I think about you, I touch myself. …And by that, I mean rub my temples, because you give me a fucking migraine.”
”When karma comes back to punch you in the face, I want to be there in case it needs help.”
“Where’s your off button?”
“While you’re talking about me behind my back, feel free to bend down and kiss my ass.”
”Who ate your bowl of sunshine this morning, thundercloud?”
”Would you like some cheese with that whine?”
”Wow, I bet you even fart glitter.”
”Yes, of course I have time to listen to you complain about all the stupid shit I can neither help you with or do anything about.”
”You call it talking back. I call it explaining.”
“You DO realize one day I’ll snap, right?”
”You don’t like me? That’s a shame. I’ll pencil in some time to cry about it later.”
“You have a right to your opinion and I have a right to ignore it.”
”You may die of constipation because you’re so full of shit!”
“You reek of drama and a migraine, please get away from me.”
”You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you’ll find one.”
”You should use glue stick instead of Chap Stick.”
”You would be much more likable if it wasn’t for that hole in your mouth that noise comes out of.”
“Your inappropriateness knows no boundaries.“
”Your only purpose in life is as an organ donor.”
