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I start to put my guard down but everytime it’s about to go down I panick and I put it back up again. Maybe I’m bound to die unloved

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Why did you leave?

Honestly I should’ve left a while ago.

I should’ve left when you threatened to leave after any minor inconvenience.

I should’ve left when the only reason you threw me a birthday party was so that your friends could flirt with mine.

I should’ve left when you told me about her one month after it happened.

I should’ve left after our first big fight back in December.

I should’ve left when you threatened to break up with me at 2 am on Valentine’s Day knowing I had no place else to go.

I should’ve left when you expressed that you wanted to keep my standards low so they’d be easier for you to achieve.

I finally left. So while I love you and I miss you I have no intention of coming back

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Going through a breakup and this is my attitude starting now, kinda proud of myself rn

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Extra Ordinary

I’ve come to realize that I’m extra ordinary. I am like most other people who want to believe that they have a greater purpose in life but the reality is I’m just another person who’s going to disappear into oblivion one day. And funnily enough so will most other people. All those Ivy League bastards, Wall Street idiots, bitches who think they’re the shit. Most of them will end up with the same fate that I have. We all compete to be the best but really what are we competing for?

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Liberation

One year ago today, a pillar that I depended on and loved dearly fell apart because someone that I loved betrayed me by taking advantage of me in my sleep. I’ve been dreading this night for weeks, I’ve been distant but I’ve been trying to stay positive and optimistic. I had no idea what to expect: would it be flashbacks? Anxiety? A total and complete meltdown? Who knows

Right now one year ago he was asking me to sleepover because it was getting late. One year ago I said yes because I trusted him. One year ago he stuck his hands down my pants in my sleep. One year ago my trust came crashing down.

And now. One year later.

I’ve found the will to comit and trust again. I have grown in ways I never thought I would. I have handled this entire situation with so much grace.

There were moments that wanted me to give up. There were moments I considered killing my self. There were moments I felt alone, because as amazing as my girls are and they’ve been there for me the whole way, I couldn’t turn to my parents because I would have been blamed for the whole situation. I have spiraled, I have shed so many tears and experienced countless sleepless nights. Anxiety that I never knew had creeped in on me.

But as I said it’s one year later and I am so proud of my self.

[weltenwellen]

“I feel unspeakably lonely. And I feel―drained. It is a blank state of mind and soul I cannot describe to you as I think it would not make any difference. Also it is a very private feeling I have―that of melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown. I am often questioning myself what I further want to do, who I further wish to be; which parts of me, exactly, are still functioning properly.”

— ​Anne Sexton, Anne Sexton: A Self-Portrait in Letters

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My new found social Anxiety

Recently I’ve developed social anxiety. There was a time I was able to work a room, and everyone would wait until I would come and people told me that the party didn’t start until I walked in. But lately, the idea of meeting new people equates itself to the walls closing on me. I imagine being in a cement room with the room getting smaller. I no longer feel like going out in groups. I miss who I used to be and I don’t know how to go back to who I used to be. I miss being me because right now I don’t know who I am.

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#browngirllife

#desigirlproblems

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I miss you but I don’t

I miss your good morning texts and I miss how you knew exactly what to say to me. I miss how you appreciated the little moments with me and I miss how you always made me a priority. But I don’t necessarily miss you. I miss how you would always leave comments on my pictures slightly roasting me. I miss how you knew exactly when I’d been crying. But I do NOT miss you. I miss how you sent me paragraphs explaining to me why you missed me. And I miss the way you’d let me rant about my day with out stopping me. I miss the way you’d talk to me until I fell asleep. I miss all the little things as I move on to the next thing. I guess you spoiled me in ways no other man may ever again but I promise you I will never miss you.

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Flier: real friends requested

Nothing hurts more than friends who make plans with out you :)

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The hardest thing I’ve had to do is leave someone even though I loved them when I left them

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Maybe I keep looking at pictures of him moved on cause some twisted part of me believes it’ll numb the pain of leaving him

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How do I tell my heart to stop hurting over someone that’s hurt me more than I could have imagined

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Personality Improvement

Guys I need a personality improvement. As of late I have come to realize that I my natural hyperitivity and excitement can be off putting to many people. And over all I think I need to stop being so like giddy cause I’m like 18.5 now. So maybe it’s time to grow up and stop being so hyper.

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Badass vs Asshole

There’s a different between being a savage badass/ sassy badassy and being an asshole.

Savagery is calling someone out when they’re being an asshole and keeping someone in check and then not giving a fuck

Being an asshole is tearing someone down and making someone feel bad about them selves and then not giving a fuck.

Be the right kind of ass.

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Rules of friendship

If you don’t want to be friends with someone and maybe you were super close to them once upon a time and that’s okay, you’re not obligated to remain friends. But if they have no idea how you feel and genuinely still care for you then please tell them how you feel instead of pretending you’re okay with them or ignoring them. Especially if you’ve known them for long and have history.

Don’t be fake, cause nothing hurts more than thinking you have a friend than when you realize from a third party that they couldn’t care less about you and have felt this way for a long time.

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You broke my heart and told me time heals all wounds, and that I’d get Over what you did and that one day we’d be okay

But you couldn’t even give my wounds the time they needed to heal before you moved on.

-perksofbrown