perseus

kai maxwell I am rolled up sleeves and dirty hands from a day spent working, I am gentle fingers, tender across your cheek. I am annoying optimism, the belief that things can, and will, always get better; I am dark days where my sun cannot seem to rise. I am worn shoes from wandering and the hibernation in my own home, the reluctance to leave. Coins, we are coins, and I one too, two sides sharing the same metal.

[angelharrison]

            ❝  i simply don’t understand why i’m like this  —  why can’t i just be organized ?  see ,  this is why that little notebook of mine comes in handy ;  it helps me keep everything in one place !  what if it takes ages for me to put these together and send them to a publisher ,  what if i’m missing something ?  what if they end up thinking i’m sloppy ?  i’m not !  ❞  of course ,  the redhead could simple turn to the sanctum in order to get her book published ,  but that wasn’t what angel wanted ;  she didn’t need new reasons for them to use her more than they already did .  besides ,  it was also a matter of pride .  she could do this on her own ,  &  she would .

           in addition to that ,  the way she  &  kai were now closer to each other than ever before made her worry even more about the sanctum .  she couldn’t let them hurt him ,  which also meant avoiding even the slightest possibility of being on their wrong side .  with a heavy sigh ,  she rest her head on the man’s shoulder ,  eyes closing .  at least his presence helped her relax .  ❝  … maybe i’m not even that good of a writer ,  you know ?  perhaps it’s all just wishful thinking ,  there’s already so many books out there .  ❞  angel murmurs ,  gaze shifting downwards to the persian cat lying on her bed ,  ❝  maybe i should think of a different career .  ❞  /  @persecvted

[persecvted-blog]

“i’m sorry, i shouldn’t be laughing.” he chuckles along as she up ends things, searching for whatever it is she’s lost. his eyes track her as she moves, red curls bouncing about. he meets adoras eyes and thinks they share the same though, isn’t she adorable? the cat likely is thinking something else entirely as he reaches a hand to stroke her luxurious coat. being accepted by adora felt like an important step in this ---- process? he didn’t really know what to call it. 

in his mind it was just dating, but there was no just for him. it would sound stupid if he ever spoke it out loud but he was convinced this was it for him, she was it. the idea of a soulmate felt foreign but then he’d met angel and the pull of fate dragged him along until he took control back. or rather, she had. in a sense she’d made the first real move after they danced around one another for months. and now here he was, and it all felt normal and natural. it felt right. 

when she joined him, the touch inspiring new butterflies to burst to life in his chest, he smiled and leaned in. kai took her hand in his own, examining the painted nails and nuances. “maybe you aren’t.” he grinned but continued “but maybe you are. and there’s only one way to find it. you have to go for it, this dream because without it ---i know what it’s like to have no opportunity to reach your goals, and then to get it. it takes time and effort, luck --- but it was all worth it, for me anyway.” kai had joined the military in order to be able to go to college to become an architect. before that art was just an outlet, a pipe dream. but growing his career, working hard, he’d done that himself. at least he thought so. 

[goodtroubledaily]

[pcllx-blog]

@persecvted

[persecvted-blog]

pcllx‌:

– ESME GASPS. “the last few months!” she exclaims, “you’ve been thinking about this, about angel, about being in love for the past few months and you haven’t said a word!” she nudges him, “i’m just teasing. you can have your secrets, at least for a little while.” it’s the rest of the words he says that mean so much more than that. she notices the way his voice changes when he talks about her, how soft his eyes get. esme now knows that this is what kai looks like when he’s in love, that this is how he speaks. and god, she feels so happy – her protective side takes over and she feels as if, in that moment, she’d fight for kai’s right to love too. 

“but i’m glad you see things that way. i hope you’ll go after it anyway, that you’ll try. that you won’t let any excuse get in the way of giving what you could have a chance…a lost love is better than none at all,” she says. and esme believes this to be true. regardless of heartbreak, she’ll never regret anything.

she leans into his embrace, finding a home and safety inside of it. often times, she feels so lost, so alone – like she’s faking all the time for the cameras and for the fans. the little girls that look up to her don’t know her lies and it hurts to keep telling them. she numbs that pain, the pain of all of her past mistakes, in any way she can, but little compares to the comfort of knowing that someone is there. but are they there unconditionally? how many more times can she fuck up before he breaks, before these arms are no longer here to hold her? not many, she reckons.

his words catch her off-guard, they’re so frank that she has no chance at denial. of course, she has no intention of changing, but most times she’s quick to even deny the problem. “i’m fine,” but she knows that it’s a fruitless attempt, that kai will always find the truth. “i– i’ll let you know. if you ever need to take out your shovel, i mean,” she says rather quietly. “but i’m okay. i’m always okay.” 

his laugh is subdued, he never thought he’d feel this relaxed when he finally told someone. but he should have never underestimated esme, she always gave great advice even if she never took any. “i had to work through all my ridiculous trepidation first.” a smirk pulled the corner of his lips upward. “and i have more secrets than you think.” it was said in a teasing tone but the truth of it struck him for a moment. the only reason he hid things from her, from anyone, was to protect them really, or out of abject fear. but to have anyone know he was afraid would be a detriment to his ability to protect and care for others, so he had to keep it to himself. kai had no real outlet, no pure honest moments it seemed, except with esme. and yet while he was able to learn and grow she stood stubbornly, unwilling or unable to do the same. it broke his heart. 

“have you, you know, ever been in love?” it was apparently a therapy session. he had to laugh but he was certainly exposing more of himself than he ever had thus far, he wished she’d give him the same honor but shook his head, knowing he was asking too much. why was it that when he laid his soul bare he got little or nothing in return? it was the problem with wearing your heart on your sleeve, it was vulnerable and offered little reward. and yet he would persist, always. 

the moment feels safe and quiet and he wants to hold onto it as long as possible. sweden felt like a dream and as soon as they all woke up the spell would be broken. the real world would swallow them back up so why not steal every second they could? he’d hold onto her until she pushed him away, and she would. 

there is no denial or outcry and he is happy for that saving grace. but what she says instead breaks him a little inside. “i don’t think you’re ever okay, esme. but you’ll never admit it.” he hates this but he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. he has his suspicions about why she behaves the way she does and he understands it. the fear that everyone will leave, eventually, was one he shared if only in a different way.  she expected people to leave her but her behavior only encouraged it. a terrible and lonely form of self destruction, he’d seen it twice before. once when he was a kid and once in the marines. the outcome both times had been tragic. “but you have to know, if i lost you ----i’d never recover.” it was a selfish statement and he wanted to take it back as soon as it was out of his mouth. but he’d put a lot out into the universe tonight and he’d have to find a way to live with all of it. 

[persecvted-blog]

siggsofsins‌:

he looked over at kai studying him briefly for a moment. it was almost strange to have someone be so nice to him. he wasn’t used to it and for a brief moment sigmund almost felt soft for the other and he wasn’t so tense like he usually was. “well then, let’s go shopping or something– the clubs don’t open up till later, but there’s a shopping district not too far from here.” if he could remember correctly– god sometimes he loved how he could just be himself around the other male. sometimes he hasn’t realized how much he had pretended to be okay when he wasn’t. but he knew the busier he was on this trip the more he wouldn’t think about anything. “it’s so great to be back.” he hummed swinging an arm around his friend before leading him towards the door and grabbed both of their jackets. “put it on, it’s cold still and i don’t want you to get sick.” he said handing kai’s jacket to him.

there was a beat of silence between them in which kai held still, casual and calm. siggs was an odd duck at times but kai knew he’d been through some trauma and required gentle handling. “shopping sounds great, i could probably use a few things, get some souvenirs too.” he’d pick up something for his mom but mostly he just wanted to keep siggs company. while kai was glad he was providing a happy distraction for the other he wasn’t thrilled with the physical affection. of course, he had plenty of people in his life who would reach out without hesitation and he managed to never show any signs of discomfort. he was getting better too, it wasn’t as bad as it used to be at least. putting on his jacket was a good excuse to extricate himself from the embrace. “sure thing, mother.” he teased.

[persecvted-blog]

pcllx‌:

– ESME’S HEART SINKS. she knows the sanctum all too well, what they’ve given her and what they’ve taken away. she hates that her friends have to go through the same things, the prices they pay for freedom, glory, and safety. kai and angel deserve so much more than that, a happiness that she wants them to have but doesn’t know how to help them fight for. if lucinda and jasper are any indication, the sanctum doesn’t preserve true love. after all, here they are, helping cover up their murder. anyone could easily follow their path. 

“if you love her, you really think you can…just shove it aside and ignore it?” esme asks, eyes wide. “that’s torture, kai. you can’t…you can’t live like that.” she leans her head on his shoulder as they look off into the horizon, lost as they are. fucked up, but in it together. 

“i know i’m not expert on good decisions, but it’s not like they don’t already have plenty of leverage against the both of you,” esme says. “they could do what they want at any time. odds are, they already know you care for her.” she knows better than to underestimate them. they have eyes and ears everywhere, always watching. little was safe from the eyes of the sanctum. “we do…the things we do to absolve ourselves from a life of imprisonment, of feeling trapped…angel deserves something good, something sweet. both of you do. even if it isn’t everlasting, isn’t it worth it to try?”

she can’t help herself, a bit of a hopeless romantic for the lives of others. she’s given up on being the object of anyone’s affection the moment she devoted herself to her career, to her mistakes, but she hasn’t given up on the happiness of her friends. that’s the only thing that keeps her going, keeps her hoping. she wants desperately to see them happy, for her own sake, despite the burning, jealous feeling.

 "yeah,“ she agrees quietly, nodding against his shoulder. the thing is, choice feels like an illusion lately, with the sanctum pulling all the strings. "sometimes i feel like…i want to be taken seriously,” she says, “but i think we both know i’ve done nothing to deserve that." 

“of course not.” he replies immediately. kai had no intentions of swallowing his feelings whole, he just wanted to have hope, of a better outcome than he could imagine in his pitch black bedroom at night. “i have, for the last few months. debating with myself about the cost, about what could happen to her or to us. i could spend a lifetime making excuses and conjuring nightmares. but in the end es, i just want to be with her. i learned a long time ago we have a finite amount of time on this earth and if we waste it by being too afraid to go after what we want, what’s right for us --- that’s the real tragedy.” he’d never felt so calm, and he’d made up his mind already.

and esme had a very good point. there was little to no way they’d ever escape the sanctum. and though he thought he’d been low key she was probably right, the sanctum knew of his crush and they hadn’t done anything about it, good or bad. the sanctum knew everything about everyone, he was not naive to that. he considered lucinda and her husband, their whole history and how bad it had ended for them both. but he saw zero parallels to himself and angel, beyond being in the sanctum. even if it isn’t everlasting ---- that was something he would struggle to accept, but life with angel ( however short ) was better than any other version.

he wraps his arm around esme, grateful beyond belief for her and this hidden wisdom. it falls like diamonds from her mouth but he isn’t surprised. beneath the fear and the drugs esme is incredible and smart and these moments with her make it harder to watch her self destruction. 

he sucks in a breath of warm air at her statement. no amount of protest ever seemed to convince esme otherwise, but he hated being pulled into a self pity party too. there had to be more he could do, more he could be, to help her. “you have, you’ve just forgotten. you’ve buried that girl beneath alcohol and drugs, hoping no one will try to dig her out again. it’s easier to numb yourself, to have no expectations any more and burn all your bridges. easier, but it must hurt --all the time.” he loved esme like family, it destroyed him to know she thought so little of herself. “i can remind you, you know? and i’m sure i can find a shovel too. you know i’m here, when you’re ready to start digging.” he had a feeling she’d react badly to what he’d said, ruining the atmosphere of exposed souls they’d managed to create. 

[persecvted-blog]

warrxns‌:

“ayyyy!” said warren boisterously upon seeing that his friend had finally succumbed to the call of formal wear. on the other hand, he was clad in a simple white shirt and denim jacket. it wasn’t as though he actually rarely wore anything that wasn’t a suit; just that he professionally often did, and that his friends were much more used to the idea of him in a suit than in casual wear. but here he was now. “it’s like someone freaky friday-ed us today, huh?” he added, “i hope to god you’ve seen the movie freaky friday. i swear, if i have to explain this disney channel classic to you, kai….”

he told kai, “if we have to make a deposit, give me some time to change into my suit.” he explained, “i know i look good in casual wear. i’ve got nothing to prove. it’s just that i know people in these types of places are more inclined to help you if you’re wearing something that screams, ‘i’ve got money!’ it’s awful, i know. so awful and classist. but i reckon i’m right in assuming people did help you more? i can rest easier now knowing i’ve done one major good deed for the month.”

he laughed at the sight of warren in what he’d consider casual wear, and the greeting. at least the other man was in a good mood so if they got this done they could hit the town after. “nah, you’d look A LOT worse if we freaky friday’d.” he admitted, recalling some choice outfits he’d kill to see warren wearing. “dude, i grew up with a bunch of girls, of course i know about disney movies and the disney channel.” his knowledge of that kind of thing should not be underestimated, esme would know, and evie. “i’ve seen legit three different versions of it to be honest.”

“right, yeah.” he had no issue with warren changing, he half expected it most of the time anyway. but he couldn’t say warren didn’t always look good, because that would be a damn lie. “well, it also makes more sense for why we have so much to deposit. there’s no assumption we have money, it’s there on the desk.” he chuckled but his assumption is so spot on kai wonders if he’s been spied on. “good guess.” he knew it was no guess but admitting to it beyond that wasn’t about to happen. he knew people dressed like they were were given more respect and deference, he’d experienced that kind of bullshit since birth. being one of those men now brought back his discomfort but he tried to forget that. “you did what now?”

[persecvted-blog]

angelharrison‌:

       ❝  i know ,  i know .  i just– …  i don’t want you to think i’m not trying ,  or that i’m not interested ,  ❞   maybe it had something to do with her need to prove things to people ,  or simply the fact that angel didn’t want to disappoint kai .  his reassuring words ,  however ,  made her feel good about her progress ;  they brought a certain sense of confidence to the redhead ,  as if whatever little mistakes she might have made were only natural .  she didn’t have to be perfect ,  not for him .  it was a good thing to be reminded of .  ❝  a break ?  yeah ,  that sounds nice actually .  there sure is a lot of new information for me to process ,  ❞  nodding as if to reaffirm her own statement ,  angel closed the notebook she’d been keeping on the pillow over her lap ,  placing both items to the side .

      as he talked about the things his mother would do to feel better ,  but also to pull him out of teenage angst ,  angelina giggled at the image of kai dancing to abba ,  ❝  do you have a favorite abba song then ?  you must know a few .  ❞  the smile on her face did ,  however ,  falter a bit ,  turning into a slightly saddened one when he asked about why exactly her parents no longer talked to her .  it wasn’t his fault that he was curious and in fact ,  she definitely trusted him enough to tell him about it ;  still ,  it didn’t make the subject any less painful to think about .

        ❝  well …  i just–  ❞  the redhead pauses ,  a deep breath escaping her soft lips ,  ❝  i guess they just got tired of me .  i was never the daughter they wanted me to be ,  you see ?  i disagreed with them on a lot of things  —  they are very traditional people ,  never wanted to date the people they would pick for me ,  didn’t follow any of the careers they wanted me to choose from ,  was far too emotional all the time …  ❞  a small shrug ,  gaze shifting downwards for a second ,  ❝  i just wasn’t the person they wanted me to be ,  so when they realized that would never change ,  they shut me out .  all of my credit cards were taken away  &  they gave me a week to move out .  ❞  tears started to blurry her gaze ,  though angel refused to let them fall .  her parents didn’t deserve her tears .  ❝  it wasn’t– it wasn’t all bad ,  you know .  they used me for so long ,  there’s a part of me that feels freer now than i ever did ;  even with the sanctum around .  as a matter of fact ,  that’s the reason i joined ,  ❞  she confessed ,  lips pursing together for a moment ,  ❝  i had nowhere to go ,  no money …  but lucinda and her husband were acquainted with my family .  lucy knew what had happened ,  i told her during this stupid brunch they threw just a couple of days after kicking me out ,  which they refused to cancel ,  &  she told me about the sanctum .  ❞  

        taking a deep breath ,  angel reached back to bring her red curls over a shoulder ,  shrugging lightly as she offered a small smile to kai .  ❝  but it’s not all that bad ,  you know ?  i mean ,  i’m here now .  i don’t owe them anything anymore  & …  well ,  i met some nice people within the untouchables .  i met you .  ❞  and that was something she would never regret .  ❝  of course i want to meet her !   i mean ,  if that’s alright with you  —  i feel like she and i might get along ,  so …  so why not ?  ❞

        as she listened to his reasoning ,  angel’s ocean eyes watched kai’s reaction to her words ;  not only because she was curious ,  but also because it wasn’t like her to say something like that .  usually ,  guys wouldn’t hesitate to kiss her if the mood was right ;  then again ,  kai was different .  so different ,  and she liked it .  with his last comment ,  a confident smirk grows on her lips ,  body shifting lightly on the bed so that she is sitting on her knees instead of crosslegged .  ❝  good .  ❞  angel says nonchalantly before her hands reaching upwards to his cheeks  &  she leans in ,  eyes closing while rosy lips brush lightly against his own before pressing a gentle kiss to them .

“angel---” he caught himself laughing “you’re sitting here with me, inside, on a beautiful day in sweden --- to learn asl, just to help me.” he couldn’t have ever asked anyone to do this, but she was there voluntarily, happily, he’d never have a bad word to say about it. “and i don’t expect you to be an expert in a couple of days either. asl is just as complicated as learning any other language. but you’re doing amazing and i am very impressed.” and he was. he watched her process his words and nodded as she asked for the break he was sure they both needed. “i can call for some room service? could use a bite.” he loved this hotel and he loved having it all to themselves, nothing could beat room service in his mind.

“oh, i’ve got three i think. mamma mia, a bop. take a chance on me and honey, honey. but really can’t go wrong with any of them.” he only had fond memories of it all, he had a whole playlist of abba on his spotify and remembered he had to take his mom to see the new mamma mia movie. but when she stopped smiling he found his own fell as well.

his entire focus was on her as she told the tale. he had half expected a legitimate reason but the way she explained it, he was shocked and appalled. when he was a teen he made some poor choices and he knew for a fact his moms family thought him to be nothing but a mistake, trash that should have been thrown away. but he’d been lucky, he’d had his mom and with her on his side he really didn’t need anyone else; even if questions about his father echoed at the back of his mind. what angel had grown through was disgusting and cruel and there was no justification for it whatsoever.  hearing how lucy had taken care of her, brought her to the sanctum hurt him. had she really had no one else, that the sanctum was the only option? he wished none of them had made the sanctum a necessity but he didn’t hold it against any of them either. if he ever had the opportunity he’d ---- that was a thought for another time.

his eyes follow the curve of her curls and the clear lift in not only her tone but her entire demeanor when she stops talking about her family. he makes a mental not to never bring them up again, he just wants to see her happy, safe. he agreed with her sentiments too, even though the sanctum asked too much of them sometimes, and he was burning with the guilt of what he’d done for them up til now, he wouldn’t trade it. not really. he had found incredible friends, he’d been given what he needed, his mom was safe. and more than almost all of those things, he was there with her. “well, i do need to take her to see the new mamma mia movie, would you umm---would you want to come with us?” it was as good an opportunity as any.

he was worried she’d be upset with him but a playful crosses her features and he has never seen it before. aimed at him it is intoxicating. she’s up on her knees and looking at him like that and he can practically hear the buzz of his excitement. she speaks but a moment later heat scores across his skin, her hands on him, her lips. he was burning up and he thought there was no better way to go. she wanted this and with her clear permission he felt invisible shackles release, lifting his hands to her, fingers entwined in her hair and bringing her back to meet her lips again, and again. 

[gerroys]

i’m obviously gonna get that stuff for you

[pcllx-blog]

@persecvted

[affectionsuggestion]

Concept: we’re in Barcelona, in spring. We walk the busy streets admiring the architecture and the bright coloured flowers. It’s so warm and we are so happy.

[persecvted-blog]

sweden has been fun on so many different levels since they all arrived. but they were there for business and it had to be done in between asl lessons and rooftop conversations. kai knocked on warrens door, a little bit excited for his friend to see him in his new clothes. he felt more confident, and he’d gotten better service while dressed this way too. he found it odd, classist, it brought up old resentments he thought he ‘d long buried. but warren would like it, he could at least count on that. “hey man, time to make a deposit.” he said through the door, to inspire a bit more haste.

@warrxns

[persecvted-blog]

pcllx‌:

– THE GLOW OF THE SETTING SUN ILLUMINATES HIS FACE, and she can see his concern, his doubts are so clear. it’s hard to look at because to her, kai is the strongest presence in her life, her rock, and to see someone that she loves and admires so deeply show such weakness is hard. but it’s revealing for her, to realize that she’s not the only one who struggles with these doubts and insecurities. esme struggles with the same fears, but in different ways. she worries that her deeds have sent her too far over the edge, that she’s no longer deserving of love or affection. she worries often that she’s not enough, and what little success she has will slip away and she’ll be left, unable to compensate. perhaps she and kai are really not as different as they seem, broken and bloodied, burdened by past mistakes. 

“what are you saying?” esme asks softly, shaking her head. “what more could angel deserve than someone who loves her unconditionally? someone who wants to look after her, take care of her, love her and treat her right?” she reaches out to put her hand on his, looking at him. “we’re all a little fucked up, damaged – even angel. besides, who are you to say what she deserves?” esme argues. “shouldn’t she get to be the judge of that? i know she seems…fragile, but she’s strong enough to make her own choices, to know what she wants and what she needs.” 

esme isn’t sure this is the right time to mention angel’s crush, but she’s certain that angel can decide for herself what she really wants, if given the option. esme’s a little jealous, indirectly, because she’s still longing to know if someone can love her like this, to care about her with such honesty. most people in her life have never offered her that.

“listen, kai, there are so many people in my life who…who’ve felt they’ve had to lie, to protect me from things, because they thought i couldn’t handle it,” she says. “i know i’m not strong, but i always wish i’d gotten the chance to try. i’m sure angel wants that chance too.”

kai was the sort of man who didn’t often show vulnerability, or doubt. his role was to be the rock, the foundation the entire home was built upon but he’d always been a sensitive soul in spite of his traumas and that was hard to hide. in fact, it was something he didn’t want to bury. but he had been a certain sort of person for esme for a while. this confession, and his struggle with it, could change things between them. but kai had enough trust in the brunette to believe it wouldn’t change for the worse. being the protector, the knight, there could be no such thing as weakness but it was a burden to be strong in every moment. he needed five minutes to air his insecurities, just. five. minutes.

he let a short smile fall onto his lips at her compliment. it was a glowing recommendation from esme tipton, one he was sure he’d never hear again so he would commit it and its accompanying feeling to memory. “that’s true es, and i am grateful you believe in me like that. but you’re forgetting a very important detail.” he made eye contact with her, to emphasize the importance of his next words. “the sanctum.” he sighed deeply, rubbing his  head to stave off the coming migraine. “i would---be good to her, that is. i’m not going to get all gross and romantic on you about it. but the sanctum, if they found out we were together or anything, they could use her as leverage against me, and vice versa. i don’t want to hand that to them, they already have my mom.” he said it before he could stop himself, a second confession that would surely alter everything.

“i know she is, strong and brave and capable. she’s an untouchable for a reason. i don’t ever underestimate anyone of us. based on my own experience i can only assume we’ve all been through hell and that’s not even a major percentage of our lives.  she’s gentle and kind but i’d never call her fragile, not in the typical sense. i don’t think she’ll shatter if i touch her. if i wasn’t so afraid the sanctum would use her against me i’d already be with her.” he knew that statement was true, it was the only thing holding him back but his restraint was slipping fast the closer he got to angel. he wouldn’t trade it for anything, he didn’t regret it but he wished it was easy.

he listened to her speak about personal experience and he felt an ache grow in his chest. it was half guilt because he and esme rarely spoke about anything too personal or deep. he wished they would but he’d never push her. he could understand why esme sought escape in alcohol and drugs, part of him thought it would be easier if he could do the same. but understanding it didn’t stop him from wanting her to find another way, and he couldn’t do that for her. what he could do was stand by her, no matter what. “choice is the only thing that matters, especially if its been taken from you before.” a topic he had a long personal history with. 

[persecvted-blog]

angelharrison‌:

      ❝  g and then …  ❞  the redhead trails off while repeating the movements he made ,  trying her very best to replicate them as perfectly as possible ;  after all ,  angel didn’t want to end up making so many mistakes that kai would eventually feel discouraged to teach her .  thankfully ,  she felt as if she’d succeeded in performing the sign ,  which brought a smile to her lips  &  a bright look to her eyes ,  ❝  like this ?  that wasn’t so bad …  or was it ?  ❞  she chuckles at her own bit of insecurity ,  finding it best to laugh at it rather than let him see just how afraid she was of potentially messing up .  but when he starts talking about his mother ,  angel finds herself relaxing and simply listening to his tales about the women  —  there’s something endearing about the way kai talks about her ,  &  a part of the redhead wishes she was able to say the same about her own mother .  maybe she just wasn’t as worthy of a good maternal figure as kai ,  or perhaps it just wasn’t the way things should’ve been for angelina .  either way ,  she enjoyed listening ;  in fact ,  she enjoyed listening to him in general ,  regardless of the subject .

        with a warm smile on rosy lips ,  the girl lets out a deep breath as she paints a picture of his mother in her head ,  ❝  she sounds wonderful ,  like someone from a movie or something …  and she likes abba !   i like abba too ,  i don’t think anyone can stay sad while listening to their music ,  ❞  she comments with a small laugh .   still ,  the laughter fades eventually  &  her gaze drifts away ,  focusing down towards her lap for a second ,  ❝  i …  my mom hasn’t talked to me in about a year now .  both my parents just– …  we don’t talk anymore .  ❞  it’s difficult to say such things out loud ,  mostly becomes sometimes angel herself can’t believe her own family would treat her this way ,  &  yet she trusts kai with this information .  as a matter of fact ,  she would probably trust him with her life .  ❝  but your mother ,  she seems nice …  does she like flowers ?  i just–  i feel like it’s a nice gift ,  i want to give her some .  like a little thank you gift for being a wonderful person ,  ❞  a small shrug ,  gaze returning to him as a smile returns to her lips ,  ❝  and for being your mom ,  of course .  ❞

          her gaze stays focused on his for perhaps longer than it should ,  and she wonders if he notices when it shifts to his lips for a brief moment ,  only to focus on his very own eyes once again .  there’s a warmth filling her chest that isn’t unfamiliar to the girl ,  but it is also different from all those other times where she anticipated a kiss ;   this time ,  it doesn’t strange or unwelcome ,  but natural instead .  yet of course ,  the little voice in the back of her head tells her not to jump to conclusions ,  not to get ahead of herself .  you don’t want to get hurt again ,  angel .  ❝  i …  ❞  she begins quietly ,  eyes staying on his ,  ❝  if– if you want to kiss me …  you can .  ❞  the words come as a whisper ,  ❝  i mean it .  ❞

the way she does the signs, it’s timid in a way and he feels the need to reassure her. “angel, there’s no pressure here. you don’t have to do it perfect. you just started learning, give yourself some room to make mistakes.” he said it very gently, he supported this process, how could he not? he was thrilled she’d asked to learn at all and he didn’t expect anyone to pick up a new language perfectly in a matter of days, that would be madness. he understood her desire though, he often felt the need to never falter but it was no way to live, not peacefully. “we can take a break too, if you want?” he didn’t want to push or pressure her in any way, they wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for his own weakness and failure. 

“she does, she’ll dance around the room until she’s out of breath and laughing. she used to pull me out of my teenage angst the same way.” he had very fond memories of it and couldn’t resist dancing to abba wherever it came on, or whenever. “I’m sure she’d be happy to sing the lyrics with you as loudly as possible.” the image made him smile. 

but angels mood shifts visibly and he begins to worry he said something wrong. and then she’s talking and he wants to help, so desperately. “please forgive me for asking, but why have they stopped talking to you? his voice is intensely kind and gentle, he doesn’t want to upset her but he could use some more information if he is going to help, he thinks. she’s clearly hurt by their actions, confused even as to why and he can’t understand it either. angel is ---uncommonly wonderful and he wonders why her own parents would shun that. he knew a lot of the people involved with the sanctum were less than admirable, including many linked to the untouchables and that cruelty could be found much too easily. but angel, perhaps there were people who saw her light as something to be used and abused, instead of loved, instead of cared for and protected. it made his blood begin to simmer.

then she’s back to talking about his mom and his entire mood lifts, his mom has that effect without even being there. “she does, and if she didn’t i don’t think she’d say so. --- you want to meet her?” he was a little surprised. his friends hadn’t met her or ever asked but the thing about angel was was that he wanted her to be more than a friend even if he didn’t deserve that distinction. 

he could have looked at her for hours, but hearing her voice was almost better. it was melodic and soft but not in a frustrating way, he didn’t struggle to hear her words and each one was curated just for him. he felt undeservedly special around her, it was the same quality his mom had. his moss green eyes widened when she said that and GOD he wanted to. but he was to much of a romantic. he wanted it to be effortless he supposed. and not that it would be a chore if he did this now but didn’t she deserve a better first kiss, from him? “trust me--- i want to.” he smiled shyly, pulling back an inch, hoping she didn’t feel rejected because that wasn’t his intention at all. “ but i’m afraid if i do i won’t be able to stop.” he blushed, embarrassed somehow by his candor but he’d said it out loud, that he cared for her. and then the fear kicked in.

[persecvted-blog]

iscldes‌:

the faint pink that dusts his cheeks doesn’t go unnoticed, although isolde has the decency to not comment on it at least. inwardly, though, she allows herself to admire the sight of a blushing kai—because what a sight he made, his normally imposing figure suddenly made softer by something as simple as a compliment. already, she finds herself thinking of how she might possibly make him blush again, next time. it only takes a second for her brain to cycle through a few ideas—some of which threaten to make her cheeks warm as well—before she forces herself to return her full attention to the man next to her at present.

‘ but who will i be without my long, beautiful hair ? ’ she returns dramatically, flipping her hair over her shoulder with careless ease, the act of mock offence she’s putting on dissolving with a fit of giggles. ‘ just kidding. you’re right, i probably need a trim, ’ she relents, and then finds herself scoffing at his next teasing statement. ‘ i think half of the people who follow me only do it for photos of you. the fact that the photos i post where you’re in it always gets the most number of likes is proof of it. ’ 

as she’s talking, she notices distractedly that there’s a strand of her hair that’s stuck to the side of his face. unthinkingly, she finds herself reaching for it, thumb brushing gently against his cheekbone as she grabs the errant strand. she realises with a start how close they are, and for one crazy, heart-stopping moment, she considers how easy it would be to just lean in and press her lips against his. isolde’s never really been known for her self-control, and she jerks back quickly to avoid doing something that might potentially fuck their friendship up, only recalling too late that she’s still standing on top of a fruit crate when it starts to tip over.

all errant thoughts paused as she started to fall, slow motion as his instincts kicked in. he reaches out, grasps her wrist and counters the gravity pulling her toward injury, forcing her to fall into him instead. “fruit crates---” he said, calm but fighting the adrenaline rush. “ --- are dangerous.” he laughed, hoping to remove any fear she had as he kissed the top of her hair before setting her firm on her feet and heading toward the opening of the alley. 

“as for your fans, maybe i should start my own instagram, give the people what they want.” he felt insecure saying it, he wasn’t much for bravado or forced charm. what would he even post if he had one? some of his sketches? pictures from his runs through the city? he didn’t feel like a terribly interesting guy. but she had mentioned his looks and he wondered what he’d really get out of people only caring for his appearance. 

[persecvted-blog]

pcllx‌:

– ESME SHAKES HER HEAD. “stop that, you don’t ruin anything,” she tells him. joking aside, esme thinks the world of kai. sure, he’s a knight in shining armor at times when you need him most, but he’s more than that. she knew lovers for kai came far between, but esme knew he was a bit of a romantic (after all, he sat through every nicholas sparks movie with her), and he still held on to these preconceived notions of love. girls were never tools to numb pain or things to keep him occupied. he was nobler than that. she admires that and hopes, perhaps falsely, that someone might look at her like that one day. “busy,” she muses. “you deserve to be happy, you know. if anyone does, it’s you.” 

she takes a seat on the roof, not caring if she dirties her jeans a little. she taps the spot beside her, beckoning him to sit with her for the last few minutes they have with the beautiful horizon. for a moment, esme’s lost in the peaceful silence, lucky, even, to be here and now. as long as she doesn’t think of what the sanctum has asked and what she’s done. despite not laying a hand on lucinda and jasper, she’s an accomplice in the murder now. 

kai’s voice thankfully breaks the silence and keeps her from thinking about it further. es, i think i’m in love with angel. she feels like she should be surprised, but she isn’t. she bites back a sarcastic of course you are, isn’t everyone? and turns to him. 

“oh?” she asks, lips parting gently. a little smile tugs on the corner of her lips. “what are you going to do about it, then?”

he shrugs, he has never had a way with women, preferring to be himself. but kai has experienced a small amount of partners, especially in comparison to what felt like anyone else in the sanctum. but he felt old fashioned at times, he valued intimacy in a way others didn’t, or wouldn’t----or perhaps couldn’t. he was certainly lucky and he knew that, to have been raised by his mom, to be taught the lessons she cared about. she gave him a moral compass that pointed true north and did not stray ----almost. the story he’d been told as a kid about his dad was a fairytale and when he was older he got the more realistic version. but it was clear his mom had loved the man, and he had loved her but her father and society ruined what could have been between them. almost like romeo and juliet, just without the death. kai always felt if his father had really loved his mom as much as she said he did he would have fought harder to be with her, stay with her. or to find her in the last twenty eight years. he wanted more, he wanted better ---

when esme mentions how he deserves that love story he almost recoils, just barely holding his composure though he is sure it reads all over his face. he’d had a hard life, every good thing was accompanied by a consequence with lasting impact. he was terrified really, to believe he deserved a fairy tale, he didn’t think the universe owed him or anything like that. he’d done things, for the sanctum, he’d never imagined he’d be willing to do. he’d done them for his mom, to protect and take care of her. he continued them for the opportunities provided, the medical care ---- the continued safety of his mom. but each deed ripped off a piece of his soul and he wasn’t sure he was whole enough anymore to give anything to anyone else. 

her lack of surprise makes him a bit suspicious but he shrugs it off, esme knew him well and her questions may have been more pointed than he’d previously realized. but she doesn’t tease, for once, and he shifts beside her as the last rays of sun begin to sink slowly, throwing a range of pinks and oranges into the atmosphere. “what am i--- i ---” angel deserved better than his blood stained hands. but when he thought about the other men she knew he clenched them into fists, biting crescents into palms. “she deserves better, esme. what can i offer her?” all he had was a beat up heart, a hero complex ---bloody hands.

[bergaramadejs]

insp.

[drugstore-prince]

You’d be shocked at how many times I’ve almost kissed you.

But you’re not mine to kiss. (via

iriswestrps

)

[persecvted-blog]

pcllx‌:

– ESME GASPS IN MOCK OUTRAGE, HOLDING BACK HER SMILE. “what? i would never!” she argues, “besides, of course she’s going to be kind to you, dipshit, she’s trying to sell you something! she’ll tell you look good in a paper bag if you hand your credit card over the counter. this is why you need me, to make sure you don’t get played for a fool.” she resists the urge to roll her eyes as he mentions the saleswoman’s advances. in fact, she’s surprised that kai’s even mentioned the detail at all – usually he’s comically oblivious about that sort of thing. “right, like you need to do much talking to engage in activities,” she teases, nudging him lightly in the ribs, “besides, just because you have a hard time reading them doesn’t mean girls are cryptic. when’s the last time you’ve been interested in a girl anyway?” she asks, never afraid to pry. “is there someone in your life that i don’t know about?” 

she winks at kai jokingly as a blush comes to his face, always fond of teasing him a little. for someone so experienced and worldly, it was easy to get him flustered on the right topic. 

esme takes the steps two at a time, fearful that they’ll miss the best part (and to keep up with kai) following him to the top of the fire escape. she takes his hand, not that she needs it, but she’s not against placating his savior complex. as she does, she looks over the horizon, eyes wide. “woah,” she breathes, walking further onto the roof as she takes it all in, every streak of color and glowing cloud. they illuminate the architecture of the historic european city, nature mixing with art. it takes her breath away. “see, i told you it was important.”

he listens to her little tirade, highly amused and a little bit insulting. “i definitely know salespeople are flirting to sell things. but you said yourself how good i look so clearly it wasn’t all a lie. is it too hard for you to accept she was acting that way just for fun? it isn’t like i didn’t spend a ton, even on things she didn’t suggest or point out.” he felt good in these clothes, new and if she kept ragging on him he’d be sure to wear nothing but sweats and uggs around her for the rest of eternity. “and usually me talking ruins it, not the other way around.” he admitted, unashamed. kai had gotten exactly the amount of action he’d wanted, nothing more or less. he wasn’t the sort to engage in anything casual, he just wasn’t that sort of person. when he slept with someone he had to be in love with them first. he wanted girlfriends, not prostitutes. he wanted to ignore the question but he’d settle for a lie. “it’s been a while, i’ve been ----busy.” the sanctum was a fantastic excuse, after all.

she likes teasing him but he doesn’t mind really, only when she gets a little mean and that only happened when she was really gone. it had been some time since anything like that had occurred but he wasn’t sure it was because she’d been on something less, just not around him.

as they stood there before the expanse he felt nothing but appreciation and awe and a sincere sense of honesty came over him. if he could tell anyone, it would be esme. sure, he had warren and evie but it made more sense for this secret, this emotion, to be put in esme’s safekeeping. “es, i think i’m in love with angel.” he felt like he’d barely whispered the words, breathless and the redhead wasn’t even in the building they stood on top of.