βof course not.β he replies immediately. kai had no intentions of swallowing his feelings whole, he just wanted to have hope, of a better outcome than he could imagine in his pitch black bedroom at night.Β βi have, for the last few months. debating with myself about the cost, about what could happen to her or to us. i could spend a lifetime making excuses and conjuring nightmares. but in the end es, i just want to be with her. i learned a long time ago we have a finite amount of time on this earth and if we waste it by being too afraid to go after what we want, whatβs right for us β thatβs the real tragedy.β heβd never felt so calm, and heβd made up his mind already.
and esme had a very good point. there was little to no way theyβd ever escape the sanctum. and though he thought heβd been low key she was probably right, the sanctum knew of his crush and they hadnβt done anything about it, good or bad. the sanctum knew everything about everyone, he was not naive to that. he considered lucinda and her husband, their whole history and how bad it had ended for them both. but he saw zero parallels to himself and angel, beyond being in the sanctum. even if it isnβt everlasting β- that was something he would struggle to accept, but life with angel ( however short ) was better than any other version.
he wraps his arm around esme, grateful beyond belief for her and this hidden wisdom. it falls like diamonds from her mouth but he isnβt surprised. beneath the fear and the drugs esme is incredible and smart and these moments with her make it harder to watch her self destruction.Β
he sucks in a breath of warm air at her statement. no amount of protest ever seemed to convince esme otherwise, but he hated being pulled into a self pity party too. there had to be more he could do, more he could be, to help her.Β βyou have, youβve just forgotten. youβve buried that girl beneath alcohol and drugs, hoping no one will try to dig her out again. itβs easier to numb yourself, to have no expectations any more and burn all your bridges. easier, but it must hurt βall the time.β he loved esme like family, it destroyed him to know she thought so little of herself.Β βi can remind you, you know? and iβm sure i can find a shovel too. you know iβm here, when youβre ready to start digging.β he had a feeling sheβd react badly to what heβd said, ruining the atmosphere of exposed souls theyβd managed to create.Β
β ESME GASPS.Β βthe last few months!β she exclaims,Β βyouβve been thinking about this, about angel, about being in love for the past few months and you havenβt said a word!β she nudges him,Β βiβm just teasing. you can have your secrets, at least for a little while.β itβs the rest of the words he says that mean so much more than that. she notices the way his voice changes when he talks about her, how soft his eyes get. esme now knows that this is what kai looks like when heβs in love, that this is how he speaks. and god, she feels so happy β her protective side takes over and she feels as if, in that moment, sheβd fight for kaiβs right to love too.Β
βbut iβm glad you see things that way. i hope youβll go after it anyway, that youβll try. that you wonβt let any excuse get in the way of giving what you could have a chance...a lost love is better than none at all,β she says. and esme believes this to be true. regardless of heartbreak, sheβll never regret anything.
she leans into his embrace, finding a home and safety inside of it. often times, she feels so lost, so alone β like sheβs faking all the time for the cameras and for the fans. the little girls that look up to her donβt know her lies and it hurts to keep telling them. she numbs that pain, the pain of all of her past mistakes, in any way she can, but little compares to the comfort of knowing that someone is there. but are they there unconditionally? how many more times can she fuck up before he breaks, before these arms are no longer here to hold her? not many, she reckons.
his words catch her off-guard, theyβre so frank that she has no chance at denial. of course, she has no intention of changing, but most times sheβs quick to even deny the problem.Β βiβm fine,β but she knows that itβs a fruitless attempt, that kai will always find the truth.Β βiβ iβll let you know. if you ever need to take out your shovel, i mean,β she says rather quietly.Β βbut iβm okay. iβm always okay.βΒ