thinking back. aku nda inget apakah aku pernah dipagi buta kebangun tiba2 ngerasa berada ditempat yg gak semestinya, ngerasa hidupnya meaningless, dan asing,? aku ga inget. maybe
wot i remember and i now know for sure is that, unfortunately, even after you theoretically have found  a person that you thought would help fill that emptiness, you are still trapped in that emptiness. meaninglessness. rejectedness (dont think there is such word but who cares)
even as i stare at my daughter and realize that she (still) needs me and is dependent on me emotionally --even knowing that someone does need me-- it does not chase away the emptiness
you will continue searching
no matter how you search high and low. surrounded by those you love you. having the greatest moments in your life, laughing, sharing stories, encouraging each other. you WILL go back to your oneself, alone. it is only you and your sanity to deal with that overwhelming post-'happy' feelings
do you believe in coincidence, Fajar? if yes. well. better change that belief. because. there is no such thing as coincidence. e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g happens for a reason. everything means something that leads to a bigger something. you, we, i just (have to) believe in it. THIS i can speak with experience given my age compared to yours
the ugly thing is... we don't always know the reason(s). apalagi alasan tersebut ternyata tidak selalu diungkapkan oleh Sang Pencipta alasan
aku sangad membatasi musik. sebisa mungin dengar radio dakwah di mobil. sejak 21+ minggu terakhir ini aku balik dengarkan musik. di HP udah ada 100+ lagu
setelah brenti rokok selama 16 tahun, sejak 3+ minggu terakhir ini aku mulai rokok lagi
do i feel ditempat yg gak semestinya, ngerasa hidupnya meaningless, dan asing, Â dan jauh dari allah? oh well
unfortunately those feelings dont go away, Fajar. but
the good thing is. fortunately. Sang Pencipta itu tau banged siapa kita luar dalam. buat apa bo'ong dan "sok benar" di hadapan Beliau. Sang Maha Pembolakbalik Hati
so. that's wot i do. ngadu aja ke Beliau. talk to Him. ngoceh aja apa adanya. kalo sedang merasa jauh, apalagi kalo sedang entertaining your demons, ya bilang aja. ngadu aja. minta tolong juga untuk diijinkan tetap boleh ngadu dan mendekat walopun dengan kondisi hati-fisik-pikiran yang carut marut karena dosa dan keburukan lainnya
maaf kepanjangan dan jadi aku yang curhat
but. aku harap ini sedikit banyak menjawab kegelisahan mu,
unfortunately. they won't go away. you just have to deal with it day in and day out. tapi tetap minta tolong Beliau. no matter how ugly we are. karena Allah tau. tau sangad.
titsay
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