Lately I’m coming to the realization that my psyche is heading in the wrong direction. I’m starting to see clearly, that something needs to change. It’s been a while since I’ve posted, and maybe I just have too much on my chest at the moment, things that I haven’t been able to express as of late. I don’t even really know where to start, so this may be a little sloppy.
Back in June I turned 22, nothing feels different really, then again it never really does. On my birthday, I went home and I went to the Twins game with my father, which was fun even though we lost. No one called to say Happy Birthday, but how can I get upset, when I don’t blame them? That was one of the first times that I started to see the black clouds making their way towards my blue skies.
Since then I’ve had the mindset that the people who I thought I was getting closer with, just didn’t care about me like I did them. So I started overthinking it like I usually do, and I stopped talking and hanging out with these so called friends. Which, in turn has made me feel even more alone that I had already been feeling. Normally my roommate and my kitten are all I need, but that hasn’t been enough lately. This weekend I decided to switch jobs, it’s more money and I’m a lot happier at the new place, It’s nice to not hear coworkers talking shit about each other constantly. After work I was feeling pretty good and I didn’t want to go home, so I texted one of the people I was referring to earlier, and he invited me to go out with the group of people to the bars, so I went.
“Is hanging out with people that hate you better than hanging out with nobody at all?” is what I thought to myself, but I actually think it is. I needed some social interaction, even if it’s with some people that I can’t stand. Maybe it’s because I’m working my life away every day, or I don’t really have that special girl in my life right now, but the clouds are only getting closer, and I’m feeling more and more like I did years ago, where it became unbearable, and that frightens me. I’ve sabotaged too many good things in my life, I’m not sure why I subconsciously believe that I need to feel alone, but I keep doing this to myself and I want it to stop. Over the summer I hung out with coworkers from my old job that I enjoyed seeing, but as my luck continued, my best friend moved back home after he graduated. I guess I just don’t really know how to meet new people and make more friends right now, and I’ll inevitably feel alone for a while, until something else changes.
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