PERSONAL ENTRIES @personalcoop - Tumblr Blog

10/28/17

I haven’t felt so alone in quite a long time.

I moved half way across the country to San Antonio 5 months ago and I feel like I’ve never felt more lonely since right now out of all the time I’ve spent living here. It’s actually really weird when I think about it. All my real friends are back home while I’m just stuck reminiscing about good times I’ve had with them. I need to move on but its just hard to move on. It’s pretty much my life up until 5 months ago and all that I know now. I feel like I can’t get comfortable meeting new people half the time now. Then again you can call me a hypocrite.

Call a me hypocrite you might ask? Well that’s because I have a girl, I don’t know if I’d say girlfriend but we’re somewhat an item. The circumstances on how it happened are for another time but I really like her. The only problem is she’s probably the only person I really hang out with. So I feel like when I’m not hanging with her I’m just at home alone or skating. It’s kind of freaky now that I think about it. I really have nobody else other than my “girlfriend” or sister to rely on when it comes to hanging out with someone. I hang with my co-workers but only when it’s for special events. I feel like it’s just hard to relate to people in this town people just the vibe of things are totally different. People just seem to get attached to more materialistic stuff like fashion brands and seem to think more carelessly. You can just see it by how people behave or go about themselves, especially in your local Walmart or when you’re driving around on some local highway. Not many people seem to think for themselves half the time.

So getting back to the topic of being lonely you can ask well go out there and meet people you fucking mopey sack of shit. The answer is I don’t really care to do that. Nothing really excites me to talk to people or introduce myself to some of them and attempt to make friends. I’m just tired of telling my life story to people I’ve met. The only person I really feel comfortable talking to and relating to and hoping to have some deep connection and understanding of things is talking to my “girlfriend”. It just sucks because suddenly now in the last few days she’s barely even texting me. I mean I’m just letting her be herself but it’s like she has no idea how much it means to me when she even just texts good morning or what she’s up to. It always makes me happy just to hear from her. I don’t know what has gotten into her the last couple days but I just want all of this to stop. In fact I just hate that I have to get attached once again and I’m afraid that I’m gonna once again go through some painful process of “I can’t do this right now”. I haven’t seen her in about 2 weeks but I mean I still miss her and want to see her again badly. Ugh I don’t know how much longer I can go on this thing but I just hate this mix of emotions I’m feeling right now.

Goodnight

2/12/2017

I haven’t felt so lost with myself in such a long time. So let’s begin as to why I am lost.

1. I think my routines in life are just not working out right now. I spend my Monday’s through Fridays commuting to Northern VA from Baltimore. I first start out waking up around 6 crawling my ass out of bed to get ready to go to work and then leave around 6:45 to arrive at work around 8-8:30. Then I sit in an office for about 8-9 hours just dealing with shit I’m not really too stoked about. Then I get off, go skate a piece of shit local skatepark for an hour just to wait for traffic to calm down. In that short amount of time I feel like I’ve lost almost all of my tricks and try to figure out what the fuck is going on. Then I get in my car and drive home for an hour-hour and a half. I go to bed around 10. I have to do this 5 days a week. I honestly don’t know if it’s really worth being that happy about if you’re just stuck in this daily pattern.

I feel like I would say ok this is definitely worth it if I was happy about the type of work that I am doing. Pretty much I’m not that stoked on the stuff that I am working on and I’m just pretty much doing this for the experience. I just wonder if this is really worth it for the experience. I spend mostly designing or dealing with boring suburban communities with the tradition Virginia look that will never change in my lifetime. I just feel that it will only change On top of that $600 a week after taxes really feels like it doesn’t cut it so much for me.

The worst part now is I think I may be in a dead end situation for awhile as far as my job goes. Ever since graduating almost a year ago I’ve worked a 4 month job that ended up being a total sham for a company. Then I was working other stuff here and there until I could find a solid position to settle down with. Now that I’m settled with a job position, it’s at least good to have income and some experience. The problem is that if I change too soon with not enough experience then maybe it’s going to look bad on a resume. If I also go somewhere else I don’t know if it will be worse or even better with certain people. I just feel like I’m totally stuck in a rock and a hard place at this point. I feel like I need to push it out to 6 months but I feel like it’s going to take forever just to reach those 6 months.

2. I spend so much time thinking about how much fun I had when I traveled to Portland or Austin or New York. I keep thinking about looking forward to my summer vacation.

See that right there is the problem. If you are not enjoying the current moment and are only looking forward to the moments coming up over the next portions of your life then you’re just wasting your life. Then the worst of all is that you anticipate those moments to be so great and if they don’t live up to those expectations. You just pissed away so much of your time to expect for one thing to be amazing only to be shattered by having a bad time. I’ve been there a few times and it’s just not great at all. That just doesn’t seem right to me. I shouldn’t be living like this only looking forward to when I’m not at work and having fun. I should be enjoying myself at the job that I do and I know it’s possible. I know there are plenty of firms out there that seem like that I can be more happy at. There are 2 problems with that. The first problem is the more popular they are or they appear to be then the more applications they receive which may make look like another joe schmo. The second problem is that these companies may appear to be amazing for working at but then you may not know how the work environment may be and could make it more stressful than you possibly could imagine.

All I know is this. I have potential but I am afraid to show it. I think I can be a valuable asset to a company I am more stoked to work at. I was given a chance by someone finally which I didn’t receive not too long ago. I’m grateful just to be given this chance to work for a professional firm. Now I want to go further and just make my life more satisfying due to the fact that I spend a quarter of my week at a job.

6/4/16

Just putting the date in, wow I can’t believe how fast we’re already going into the month of June.

So I decided to write one of these today after watching the movie Orange County this morning. If you’ve never seen the movie Orange County it’s about a lost teenager in high school that wants to get out of his town of Orange County, California to go to school at Stanford to become a writer. However as his journey goes on throughout the movie, he learns and experiences new things he didn’t expect. When he finally reaches his goal of meeting his idol, a famous writer from Stanford, he was told that he doesn’t need to be at Stanford to be the success he wants to be. Eventually he gets accepted into Stanford he realizes he is leaving everything that has raised him to become a writer in such a struggling environment. Therefore he rejects going to Stanford and goes to his local hometown college.

I feel like we go through these experiences somehow. We go to places where we expect it will be perfect or try to reach goals to make our lives perfect. Eventually we may go there along that journey and sometimes they may meet the full expectation which feels great. Then there are times where they don’t completely meet the expectations and we may have just wasted our time trying to reach expectations that weren’t there.

To get to the point of all of this, I’m trying to say is that I’ve already had a few experiences similar to that. I’ve met people that I’ve looked up to and thought I could reach my goals to be where I wanted to be in which they do what they do. However I’ve been given advice that I should just keep doing what I keep doing and learn from my experiences now. Enjoy my surrounding environment and just grow off of it. I can always create my own environment in for the things I want to do in this journey but I should never entirely leave behind everything that I have done to get where I am.

I always thought moving to somewhere abroad of where I grew up would make me happy because I hated where I was. I eventually realized that I feel like that if I’m not too far where I am from home but still have good people around I’ll be alright. DC is where I intend to be for awhile and skating Freedom Plaza will always be some of the best times I’ll have.

MUSIC

So I’ve spent a lot of time cleaning my apartment and having my own alone time to relax. I set up a speaker system in my room and now I just hook up my iPad to the speakers and put on Spotify in the morning and just enjoy some coffee and a cigarette. So here’s the music I’ve been listening to just to get my day going. These are artists and some of the albums I’ve been listening to.

Mac Demarco Salad Days

Future Islands In Evening Air

Future Islands On The Water

Future Islands Singles

Tame Impala Currents

Beach Fossils Beach Fossils

Beach Fossils Clash The Truth

Joy Division Unknown Pleasures

Van Morrison Astral Weeks

Passion Pit Chunk of Change

Of Monsters and Men My Head is an Animal

Diiv Oshin

Elliott Smith Figure 8

Explosions in the Sky All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone

Arcade Fire Reflektor

If anyone has some other suggestions for music like this let me know. I need some other stuff to start my day with

#arcade fire #van morrison #beach fossils #diiv #passion pit #elliott smith #future islands #mac demarco #of monsters and men #tame impala #explosions in the sky

4/22/16 What’s going on

Yeah it’s been awhile since I’ve been doing this. I know I’ve said this but I didn’t think I’d ever be doing this again. Honestly this has been the highlight of my night and I’m actually happy this is the height of my night.

So pretty much here’s the rundown of my year so far leading up to now.

January

So basically my year started off on new experiences. I started and internship in a professional firm and that pretty much took up most of my month. I was making money and focusing on myself. I was barely partying. I’ve not really cared too much about drinking or smoking that much anymore. I know my limit and I hate how hangovers screw me over the next day.

February

I was still working at the internship and gaining experience as I go. There was this one night my roommate brought some girls back and I got this girl’s number and said we should go out on a date. Problem was we never did because she was more obsessed with her selfies and likes on social media more than dealing with real life. I would text her and she acted like she was interested in me but I could see after I texted here she put up like 20 more selfies on snapchat instead of texting me back. I pretty much said “You know what fuck it, you care more about your selfie life than real life. You’re fake as fuck so just stop wasting my time.” So that was it. Simultaneously I started talking to some other girl while I was getting over the one that was acting so fake.

So pretty much the new girl I started talking to, Naz, I took out for pizza and we had a good time. Next thing you know we got really close and things were going so great.

March

This month started off on the wrong foot. After missing work all week at the internship trying to deal with a project deadline, I got laid off the next week. It really sucked because I felt like I wasn’t really much of a valuable asset. The only way I could pick myself up and still have some good self esteem was Naz and my spring break trip.

Spring break was just incredible overall. I saw things and did things I wanted to do for quite some time. I went to Portland, Seattle, and Vancouver and had some of the best times I could ever imagine. It’s a totally different lifestyle but the surrounding seemed to be more suitable for me as far as the people environment. Then driving through Washington state up to Vancouver was probably one of the most beautiful drives I’d ever had. I witness incredible mountains and sunsets. I also got some Poler clothing and bought Naz a hat. At this point we were pretty much an item.

April

Soon enough my relationship already had a falling out. It sucked but it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as what I’ve had in the past. I took some time to think about how things are for myself and here I am now.

So the past 2 nights including tonight I’ve gone to bars. I didn’t entirely expect to go to them but then somehow I ended up there. Somehow I just don’t even find joy in going to bars or drinking that much anymore. I don’t want to say it’s because of what happened between me and her but it’s just like I’m at a point in my life I’m like now what. I feel like I don’t even care too much about anything except skating. I’m about to graduate in less than a month but to me it’s just another milestone that so many people have accomplished. I’m applying for jobs as of now but I don’t know if I’m even enthusiastic about that stuff quite frankly. I’m stuck in a college town as a 24 year old man surrounded by 18 year olds getting drunk. It just doesnt even feel like it’s my surrounding anymore. The people and the environment mostly doesn’t suit me. Don’t get me wrong, there are people I hang with here but it’s just I feel like my real friends I enjoy hanging with are all in Washington DC and I just wish I was there more than College Park. I think I want to find a way to work and move in DC after I graduate. I feel like the people I hang with there make me feel more welcome and ok with who I am.

Not to mention I am getting girls numbers again but it’s as if I just don’t even care or have that much enthusiasm for it. I feel like I’ve become almost like Larry David. Nothing seems to impress me that much anymore because I’ve done almost everything I’ve wanted to do. Now I know things I like and I feel like it’s no longer in my current surrounding.

I’m sure many people have had the same experiences as I’ve had going through what I’m going through right now but I don’t know what to make of it. Somehow I’m in the middle of where I would probably be on more of a negative side of situations that end bad but I’m not bumming too hard. I’m also in situations that I should feel more happy about but I maybe feel a little bit of enjoyment but not as happy and I should be.

Does anybody know what I’m talking about?

#mind games

12/27/15

I'm just kind of doing this out of boredom here. This is being posted by my new iPad mini that I got for Christmas. So this iPad ironically was something I never saw as a want or a need. My parents paid their hard earned cash and I wanted to tell them thanks but return it. Then I realized if I told them that then I would sound like some ungrateful prick. So I accepted the iPad and here I am now. I've had it already for 2 days and it's actually come quite in handy. With how much memory this iPad holds, I can do way more with this than I can do with my iPhone actually. I can watch movies and TV shows from my iTunes account that I could have more memory space than my iPhone would hold. So finally I can watch more movies. What's also a blessing is I don't have to rely on my laptop. Speaking of which, ever since I got windows 10 on my laptop it's been harder to use than it was with windows 7. Also Cortana is some total crap. So I'm here in Pittsburgh doing Christmas with relatives. So my hater uncle from Portland is also here and it's kind of funny some of the gifts he gave me. Definitely the clothing and knick knacks I got were definitely hipster paraphernalia but I thought they were cool and amusing. I still have it on my mind to visit him and stay in Portland during spring break. However I have yet to tell him but I'm pretty sure he gets the hint. It's true people hate on hipsters but there's definitely that mindset that they have in which they seek knowledge and try to become more self aware. I'm guessing I've become one but I'm always a skater before I am a hipster. I do feel though that I do have my own flaws but I try to find more improvement. I feel like majority of the year I was anxiously trying to find ways to improve myself and become a better person. However I begin to wonder if I'm wasting too much time trying to do that. I eventually whip myself on my flaws and then I start apologizing unnecessarily to people about my flaws. I'll be around my friends skating and filming and I'll apologize for sucking. They'll say dude just stop worrying about that just be yourself. I feel like the pressure is being set to me because of the vibe set by what's going on around me or it's just voices in my head too. I feel like that not caring about much was my lifestyle before because I didn't realize how fortunate I was to have people paying for everything for me. I have parents paying for my car (which I eventually paid them back for), my apartment, my food, and my tuition. By the time I graduate in May I will hopefully have a career but mist importantly I won't have to worry at all about paying off student loans. The only bills I'll be paying for is my car insurance and my living situation with my parents. So I'm about to sign out. My grandma got an Intel compute stick which hooks up to her TV. Watching Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. About to do some family bonding so see you guys later.

That moment your whole outlook on life changes. How you’ve come to realize pretty much you feel like you’ve been used and screwed over by people your entire life. The only person I really feel like I’m a top priority to be around with is my parents and that’s it.

I’m fucking lonely and depressed with rage man.

I’ve dealt with so many people that have lied to me in the past and told me to trust them and now it’s like they fucking can’t even be real with me. They say they’re your friends but are they really? Are they really your friends. Sure they say hey you can talk to me if you need to and I promise we can do this but do they really fulfill that promise. Obviously I put that statement to the test and find out how fucking fake they really can be.

Me: hey let’s smoke and chill

Him/Her: I’m sorry I’m busy but maybe another time

Me (some circumstances if it’s a her): I’m just saying I’m not even trying to do “Netflix and chill”. I’m just saying I want to get high and talk about stuff

Her: No I totally understand your fine but I just got other stuff to do.

Me: *checks snapchat story of him/her

Him/Her: *blatantly showing off doing other stuff and lying to you from their snapchat story

Then the same thing becomes a constant.

If you are going to be fake as fuck with me then either have the balls to admit it to me or get the fuck out of my life.

Oh and another thing. Just because I’m not a fucking frat douche like pretty much everyone else on campus doesn’t make me different. I actually do shit and work my ass off to pay for shit instead of mommy and daddy paying $1000 semester to talk a bunch of bullshit with a bunch of assholes that you paid to be your friends. None the less act like you’re rich as fuck owning shit when in reality you don’t own shit, that’s all your parents stuff buddy.

I’ve always wondered if I just rolled in with all the dudes from Pulaski into a bar like RJ Bentleys what shit would go down. I want to see one of those people just confront Sinquan and watch him knock some of these douches the fuck out. Be like “yeah who’s real now, the kids with nothing that’s who.”

7/8/15

It’s been a long time but I just felt like I needed to do this.

I’ve realized I’ve finally learned how to block out the bullshit in my life that I don’t need to worry about. A perfect example would be people showing off what they’re doing like traveling in Europe and such on Snapchat or Facebook. By looking at their name I probably know what they’re doing which is why I ignore anything they post. Then I’ve realized there’s some stuff I can’t block out because there’s always that annoying fuckface right next to you that has to brag about how great things are going in their life and act all pompous like they’re better than you.

Let’s back track for a second exactly what’s been going on in the last few months to where I am writing this post today.

So around the beginning of the year I started putting together a new design portfolio for a company for a summer internship. I put a lot of heart and soul into this portfolio so I knew that I would be overly satisfied with it. All of my drawings in there were my best drawings in the last year and a half. I looked up multiple companies to apply for summer internships. I felt a lot more stronger and confident in my abilities to be an intern this year than my internship from last summer which was basically a giant joke. Being in a studio of 16 other students, they were either looking for summer internships as well or summer study abroad programs. To make a long story short, after several months of contactIing almost 50 companies and giving copies of my resume and portfolio I didn’t land a single internship. Not one! Zero! DICK!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5txcIZO8dxo

Then I find out that one company that I really wanted to work for hired a person in my studio for a summer internship. Not only did they hire a less qualified person than myself, they also misinformed me that they weren’t hiring summer interns. Which pissed me off even more the fact that I already have an Associates Degree and I’m a reliable source when it comes to using CAD. Finally this person that they hired always has turned in their work past the deadline for pretty much every project for the last 2 semesters. IDIOTS! So now here I am scrambling to find summer work in order to patch the hole that money has been burning in my pocket.

At this point I’m pretty pissed off that I’m going to be working a job and possibly a second job just to cover my financial situation. I still had hope that I could get an internship last minute once summer started but nothing at all. It all made sense now. Apparently these companies would rather hire anyone except somebody who worked their ass off to put together a portfolio and have a degree.

So anyways I got a job working at a Nursery getting paid a nice amount of money working about 35-40 hours a week. Meanwhile this person that I will see in the end of August is getting paid about 1 and half times the amount as I am. None the less she’s drawing at a desk all day while I’m working 8-9 hour shifts lifting trees and rolls of sod all day. I can’t deny it though I actually do enjoy my job even though I knew it was going to suck with the tedious work. It isn’t as bad as what I expected from the

So anyways then I have my sister who just came back from studying abroad in Italy. So then now I have to hear her stories about the glitz and glamour of exploring her favorite country in the world. The story definitely doesn’t end there. Now she’s got the rest of the summer to tell about her internship that she gets paid 1 and a half times as much as I do per hour. So pretty much all of this bullshit that my sister is spitting out while I’m sitting at the dinner table is pretty much meeting the expectations of Mom and Dad’s “perfectly raised child”. She’s doing engineering work just like her Dad and she’s doing work that involved chemistry and physics just like her mom. She’s working with a high end corporate company that could secure her a future career with benefits. Meanwhile I don’t know where I’m going to be in about a year from now once I’ve graduated.

Pretty much when my sister starts talking and bragging about Italy or her internship I literally just zone out or space out while they’re talking about it. I literally say nothing and stare into space. My parents are wondering why I’m so quiet but eventually I’ll tell them.

All I know is this.

When I have dreams that I can see as possible, I am determined as all hell to reach them. Getting into Maryland and getting the hell out of my parents house was a dream that I overcame. I sacrificed a lot of time or work because it’s where I wanted to be and now I’m happy to be there. I’ve got dreams again and this time I’m attacking to reach these dreams guns blazing. I want to travel places and eventually work in a place that fits my natural habitat. I’m talking about traveling to around the country and then eventually moving to a city. Hopefully I could find a job in New York and work in a nice design studio in the city. I’m already making great ground on my goal for what to hit for the summer as far as money is concerned. In the last month and a half I’ve made already about $2000 which I’m so stoked on. I’ve never made that much money so quickly in my life.

Until then all those fuckfaces that are bragging now or will soon be bragging to about how great their life is can kiss my ass. The ass that actually does real hard work.

I don't know who I hate more. Faggots or super faggots 3/6/15

Man I thought I saw it all with Greek life at UMD. I thought those guys were some stupid shit Then I finally saw it with some fake ass rich white kids from DC wearing Thrasher hoodies and shit and they could barely even ollie. That's just some beyond stupid shit

1/14/15 Holy Shit Did I Just Hit Enlightenment?

I watched American Beauty with my good old friend I've missed all winter break named Mary Jane. I felt like Kevin Spacey already dead looking outside in from his life he once lived. It was obvious that he said let go in the end. Then I figured out exactly why he said that. He was dead and basically when you're dead you no longer own anything. So if I was in the same circumstance as Kevin Spacey that would mean I could no longer possess anything either. So basically if Kevin Spacey and I were both compared to each other in the afterlife we would be the same because we both don't own anything. Anyways I wrote my realization in my notes app on my iPhone. Here's my realization I've seen something amazing If you think about it when we're born, we were brought into this world owning absolutely nothing. When we die in this world we will all eventually own absolutely nothing. Everything we owned when we were alive is now possessed. That would be something like a car or a house. Eventually when you die that possession will end up with somebody you may have known. Some instances show that when a person dies alone and nobody takes his possessions; an external force held by Mother Nature will take the dead person's possessions. A perfect example would be with animals living in a dead man's house. Or if any animals don't use the possession then weather will use it. A perfect example of weather taking a possession would be extreme weather like a flood, hurricane, or a drought. Therefore each human is interconnected by the way they were each taken into and out of the world. We were all conceived in a womb and then die in one of the million possibilities that death offers.

12/26/2014 Discovery

It's funny how music can bring back memories within us that most of us have almost forgotten. So I was watching an SNL documentary and they showed a live performance of The Black Eyed Peas from 2009. Instantly it brought back high school memories and character development of what I've become now compared to 5 years ago. It made me almost too emotional to the point that I wanted to talk to someone but who.

I think the only person I can maybe try and talk to now is God. I'm not a super religious person but it had me realize I need someone other than a human being to talk to. Every time I try to talk to people about my anxieties and difficulties through life I talk about them and then I never want to mention them again. Why is that

I'M AFRAID

So what are you afraid of?

I'm scared of interacting with other people. I'm scared about my overall impression is to someone the I feel inferior towards or that I care about. I'm a caring person but I'm just like my mother where I care about someone so much that I'm afraid of having that connection with that person destroyed.

Who are some of the people you are afraid of talking to?

Family. They've known me for so long and I'm obviously the person in the family that doesn't take the normal road compared to the rest. I feel like that with the way I go about my life I'm afraid to have a normal conversation with my family because I don't live the normal life as they do. My parents and my sister I'm totally fine with but it's my elders and my relatives that I'm mostly afraid of. I feel guilty to ask for big favors from my family relatives. The first reason is because we never get to see each other that often. The other reason is because when I was younger I would do stuff that was considered "bad behavior" in front of them around the holidays and stuff. I was scared to ask my grandparents to stay over in Pittsburgh for a few days over the summer even though they were completely fine with it. Then I had awesome news that I was invited to go over and stay in Portland with my uncle whenever. My mom told me the news and I told her I like the offer but I'd feel too overwhelmed with guilt to ask for such a big favor. Anyways that was cleared and my uncle basically told her to tell me not to worry about it.

Then the other people I fear are people I make friends and acquaintance with back at College Park. There are some people that I know it's normal to be afraid of having a normal conversation with such as people at a higher position than you in where you work. It's obvious I'm nervous around them because I try to hard to break the glass or impress them. The other people that I know I should stop fearing are the people that are basically undergraduates doing the same thing that I'm doing. They don't have a degree just like me even though I have an associates but whatever.

So anyways you mentioned about a song that was almost 5 to 6 years ago. What does that have to do with all of the pent up fears you've been having recently.

You see I wouldn't say this has been a recent thing I'd be saying it's an ongoing thing now since around that time. I think up until then I was always enjoying myself until I finally hit a point in my life where I gained a small amount of maturity that soon began to develop over time. Before then I was running wild and free not really giving a shit about what everyone thinks and being just an ass sometimes or just a little shit. The other thing too is that I have anxiety management issues that's been ongoing since I was in elementary school. I thought in the last few years or so that they were finally managed until I finally got into Maryland. From time to time when things would become too heavy it was hard to bottle it up and now most people can see that craziness inside of me. Now the self impressions have me wondering am I turning back into that little shit that I once was or am I become something else that I'm afraid of becoming.

Is there anything else to add on?

So there was this relationship I had with this girl for the semester. We lasted for about a month. When I think about the circumstances on how we met I actually find it hilarious because the relationship we developed with each felt like the way we met never even happened. (Social Media app that you use to swipe left or right) But basically things were all fireworks in the beginning and then it started to test each other's character. The thing that I told her and I warned her was that I have anger issues, picking up on people's conversations from time to time, and that if we were ever to be a couple never expect things to be completely sunshine. The last warning meant that as ugly as it sounds that we might get into arguments now and again. I'd already seen it enough with my roommate and his girlfriend but I could still tell by how things are with them despite being a pain in each other's asses sometimes that they still needed each other and were meant for each other.

Back to the girl that I was with I really don't know what to say. She needed me to be there for her at times especially when she was going though a scarce time of her own. She was waiting on hearing if she was going to get kicked out of her place after her place smelled like weed from smoking one night. I was having a hard time with the semester because I was straight up working my ass off with 17 credits and 5 classes including trying to skate as much as I could. I tried to show her I was there for her even though I wasn't texting her as much as I should have. So eventually when it came down to crunch time on a major project for one class she texts me thinking it just won't work out. Then I called her and she just gave me a stuck up attitude trying to understand why and then I just hang up on her after getting nowhere. I just couldn't believe it. About a week later she texts me back saying she misses and she wants to see me again. I gave it a few days to think about it and I decided to give her a second chance. Things seemed good once we met up again until about half way through when she was avoiding me purposely. I knew something was up when I left and then the next day she told me it's not going to work out again. I was so pissed that she played me like that that I have not since seen her or texted her back since then. I know she's probably thinking about me from time to time and I do as well. But what she did pissed me off more than anything that I just tried to get myself to move on. I knew that if I even tried talking to her again we would just be going through the same repetitive circle.

I thought about texting her tonight about my feelings but suddenly I realized why should I do that. I don't think it's a smart idea because I feel like I've gotten over her a lot more than I did from the breakup over a month ago. I really don't know where to go from here once again but I feel like I've noticed something just know that I've noticed from the last few days. I'm scared to show true emotion when I'm in a relationship with a girl now. Not only that but somehow I have a problem with ignoring what they say sometimes which can end up in a disaster which this sort of ended up being. Women are too much of a struggle and quite frankly I'm starting to feel like I'm just done with their bullshit all together. Fuck the fear and anxieties I have around them, I just need skating right now to get through life.

8/22/2014

It's been awhile since I've done one of these and I thought to myself I'd never be doing one of these ever again.

I am now a 22 year old man and I look back at how far I've come since I graduated high school 4 years ago. It's just crazy to see my whole transformation unfold when I think about it.

It's just crazy right now thinking about times like these where I would wonder if I could ever have encounters with myself in the past and create some sort of butterfly effect in the future. I always think about how I could somehow give my future wisdom that I've gained to my past self and maybe somehow would've improved my own self quicker than how I've really improved myself at a slower rate. I still wonder about the same situation now in which I could see my older self with more knowledge and wisdom to give myself advice now in the present at which direction to guide myself in. I feel like I'm at struggles now and again but things somehow seem to work themselves out usually.

"They say that time is a healer, but my wounds are not the same"

(Phil Collins, Genesis "No Son of Mine")

Looking back at my mindset right after graduating high school, I didn't really have the clearest mind set as far as the most likely path laid ahead of me. I never thought that 4 years later I would become a person that would aspire to become a landscape architect trying to specialize in the skatepark design field. All I knew was that I wanted to design skateparks and skate all the time but I didn't know how to get there. Not to mention have my share with getting laid a lot as a horny 18 year old kid. It took me 2 years to get a plan figured just right as to finally get into that right direction and I can't believe I'm actually here now.

What is crazy now is that I'm here and feel like I've experienced almost all of it but not to the fullest extent which I'm fine with. I live by DC and I get to skate as much as a I want there and on campus at University of Maryland in my free time. Not to mention how much I've progressed to my own satisfaction and how much I keep pushing myself to more satisfaction. I have my own personal design studio in which I can design sites with my own creativity with the proper resources provided by the university's Landscape Architecture department. Finally I've had plenty of moments where I've hooked up and dated beautiful women.

Now it seems like I've experienced so much of what I've desired that I sometimes wonder if I'm beginning to half-ass what I've already achieved. Recently after having a brief relationship with a girl that had to be ended on terms due to her moving far away, my drive to keep picking up women seems to have gone down. I would say mostly that is due to carelessness which I am okay with. I feel like I am now at peace as far as enjoying myself with or without a girl. Then again I begin to think that I will get out of that curve and sooner than later try to become College Park's rawest booty hunter in the area. What I really am concerned that makes me believe that I'm beginning to half-ass what I've achieved is starting to live a slacker type of lifestyle. I begin to worry if my education from school will begin to carry over or if I will just simply forget it because I have less interest in it unless I can relate it to skateboarding somehow. I feel like I'm already starting to see that I'm losing the knowledge that I should have kept that I was taught through classes. My general knowledge of trees and their roles in a space as well as types of landscapes seem to fade away. I can tell that it's beginning to hold me back quite a bit and I need to get out of this groove if I want to be successful.

Obviously it has already seemed that I have gotten off track with the main topic here but I feel like my loss of knowledge can begin to relate to what I was talking about in the beginning. Learning through my own experiences I've already seen how I have gained wisdom and knowledge on certain life lessons. As I had just talked about half-assing my own educational experience is something that I must not keep doing. As I also said in the beginning I wish a wiser older version of myself could teach my present self lessons now, that would be a piece of information I would love to share with myself in the past.

Anyways I've got to figure out what to do from Monday until Wednesday because the douchebag landlord up in New York won't allow me to stay at my friend's place during those days in which I was planning to stay. So my intention is to make the most of those days the best I can hopefully.

My name is Brian Christopher Thomas Cooper

1. I am a human being that is stuck in between in a rock and hard place through total depression

2. I believe I am going to end up a total faggot once this post is finished.

3. I was born in St. Agnes hospital Baltimore, Maryland January 1992

4. I always had parents that looked after me

5. Both of my parents originated from Pittsburgh and I claim to be from there when I quite technically am not while I have been there multiple times in my life.

6. As a child I was very emotional both happy and sad

7. I changed schools quite frequently in my elementary in middle school days for either locational regions or my own faults

8. Being an emotional child that I was, I had very few friends now and then but I made acquaintances more than friends majority of the time

9. I could never drop something when I should have when I was picked on as a kid and I ended up being a violent person

10. I spent many times in my school days in the Principles office for saying something with vulgarity or having acts of mischief

11. When I was in 7th grade I changed from a private school to a public school and my adjusting with the norms didn't go quite as well

12. There were many times where I could have gotten my ass beat or I did get my ass beat for being a little annoying prick or saying something so rediculous that I deserved it

13. I transferred to a different high school and that's when my life began to change once again

14. With facebook being established it told me how to live my life with everyone around doing certain things to a certain degree by seeing how someone would live their lives by how Facebook would portray them

15. By the time I graduated high school I didn't have a college plan while everyone else kept bragging about going to a college while I would be stuck at home with my parents still unable to do shit and go out and be what I wanted to be

16. I went to a community college for 2 and a half years but basically it was a school full of a bunch of retards and showed that I seemed to be at the same intelligence level as those retards when I knew for a fact that I wasn't and I needed to get out of there and go live the life I've wanted to live which was real college

17. I finished my degree as quick as I could at my community college and started going to UMD to finally live the college life

18. Going to UMD at first was one of the greatest things that happened to me because I was finally much happier that I was hooking up with hot girls left and right, skate as freely as I want to, party if I wanted to, and smoke weed whenever I wanted to

19. I've met people along the way and I've usually had the personality in which I seem to care about my own appearance towards everyone else around me because I'm a caring person

20. Women that I've had certain relations with along the way that I've met I've cared about them even if we weren't close, I'm happy with the ones that I still have good relations with and I still to this day trip out over the ones I've had bad relations with

21. I honestly thought that going to College Park that I would finally be able to let go of my anxieties back home when quite frankly I've realized I will never let go of anxieties where ever I go

22. Realizing that I can never seem to let go of anxieties I begin to question life itself

23. I expect so much out of life, skate all day every day without worrying to have to work, finding a chill girl, and everything will be good from there on

24. I'm starting to realize that these will probably never happen and I'm beginning to experience the real world itself

25. Half the time I wish everyone around me could shut the hell up because I'm so filled with anxiety and stress

26. The school work at Maryland is so tedious that I don't have as much of a social life as the rest of the people at this university

27. I'm starting to feel like I'm only here doing this just to make my family happy

28. I know I've become dependent of my family too with money support which means I'm stuck in a situation

29. I also hate the fact that one of my family members now had a stroke and could have only a few years left to live which means I had to make the best self impression of myself before I die

30. This summer I'm going to be working a 9 to 5 internship with good pay just for my major to get myself set up in the real world which I know I'm going to be losing my mind on this whole summer

31. I begin to have suicidal thoughts more frequently but I know for a fact that I'm too afraid to carry on with it but sometimes I ask for death to come to me quickly and painlessly because I begin to wonder if an after life may have something better in store for me to get away from what real world shit just piles on to my plate

32. I feel helpless and I know if I ask for someone's help that they will tell me to seek a higher power which in these days science and logical thought is beginning to question the validity and existence of a higher power

33. I don't know where to finally go but all I know is life will show me something that I probably won't like

I don't know if I'm the only person on the earth that is actually experiencing all these mixes of emotion or not.

Am I alone?

4/5/14 Politicians in my eyes making us slaves and go up river

Some people seem to claim in America that slavery was abolished 150 years ago. I can claim that it hasn't been abolished since then. People that were the slave owners have now become the slaves to the system. They obviously weren't there that long ago but they seemed to be the type of people that were affiliated as the slave owners.

Just take a look around College Park and you start to see the same slaves as always. Let's start with the males students attending the University dressing up like they're rich with a sailboat or some shit in a fraternity because they're bored with their life and think that there's nothing outside of their life that's even better. These people were so pathetic they gave into slavery long ago and gave up without even fighting. They knew that the only way they wanted to get to the top was to become a part of the enslaved fraternity system. They knew the only way to to become the top of the "food chain" in getting women was to become a bunch of drunk assholes dressing up like Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison. What is the result of this may I ask. It seems the existence of the male population has become too stupid to even recognize what they have created to become a contribution to a stupid society in this collegiate social system.

Let's now look at how the female population has been fallen into slavery. From what I have seen at this university, majority of the female population has decided to give into the slavery system of the sororities. Majority of the female student population let their emotions control their destiny to where they want to be in the college social status rather than letting their own will power of what they truly want in life. How do I see this may I ask? I can just tell by how fake happy they seem to be on campus by the way they seem to be loving each other. Then you hear them talk about each other all behind they back about how they want to "kill that bitch" that's in their sorority because they don't see eye to eye on how the norms of the sorority is supposed to hear. You even saw that one email from Becca Martinson for god sakes hitting her breaking point. I also see this going out every night where they have to wear the outfits to where they are told to dress up like they definitely want a guy to stick his dick in them with 3 of that other guy's frat brothers. You can see how unconfident and uncoordinated they are walking to, from, and in the bar/party because they don't like having to display themselves like that entirely. The ultimate result for the female student population at this school is the fact that they are actually aware of what is going on and seeing that they have affiliated themselves in an environment in which they wish they didn't get themselves into sometimes.

How did we get to this pathetic point in life? The mass media and the corporations created the image that the only way to make it to the top was to be in the sororities and the fraternities. They control the way they walk, talk, act, and go on with the crucial decisions they make in their lives. You see this through everything in the magazines with the photoshopping of Kim Kardashian and the attraction of booze to senseless idiotic frat bros.

I could be the only solution to this university if I won big in the lottery. If I ever won the lottery I would buy out a frat house on Frat Row and just start my own fraternity just to piss the whole Frat system off to show that it's ok not be apart of this slave system. I would call it Sigma Sigma Sigma, also known as Sig Sig Sig or 666. I would invite all my homies that I skate with to stay there and do whatever. Then in the backyard a mini ramp and some other boxes would be built to skate. Obviously we would throw some sick ass mini ramp parties instead of a bunch of lame ass ragers. Instead of doing molly and listening to robots fucking each other in the ass with dubstep my frat would get real ass music from sick punk rock bands and hip hop artists and tap kegs and blaze the weed while sick skating would be going down. Finally what would make us different from the rest of the Frats is actually using Project Mayhem as part of the pledging. Instead of having somewhere to feel like they are once again a bunch of slaves with no dignity left in them, they can go freely about their lives without giving up their beliefs and conforming to the fucked up norms of this college's society.

Everything seems to be so fucked these days where people are forced to live to Jason Dill's "Up River" (1:45 in the video) philosophy where you can go out and drink and party every night and somehow still miraculously manage to get through graduating at Maryland where you somehow hit that high social status. Meanwhile how Dill explains he's the person that's actually puting in time and effort to make a positive contribution to Alien Workshop through hard dirty work. I feel like I'm the same way with how I have to make a positive contribution to the University through Landscape Architecture and pushing the educational purpose and value of the University further.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC6dssaMN50

I hate how everything is so fake up river on this campus, bar none.

2/28/14

My mind is just a black hole. It sucks in space and time from another certain part of the past and brings some of that reality back.

It's not exactly on what seriously happened but that type of personal approach to things. I feel like I'm fucking up again on just decision making. I've always been one of those people that hasn't exactly thought twice on what to say before he says it and blurts it right out. I thought that part of me would never come back again and I thought I was over that hump. Aparently I was wrong. Now with the stuff that I do I feel like I'm affecting the people around me that I care about and it's giving me this bad impression.

I sometimes am starting to think that I should have stuck to Operation Iceman. I would just have that ruthless careless attitude in which my words would just be a mumble in a sort of way but somehow people would still want to hear what I really have to say and I should be left with intrigue.

I just hate having to keep thinking and expecting so much out of life too. I feel like doing that just makes time speed up a lot quicker and before you know it you're fucking dead. It could be tomorrow or it could be many years from now. No matter what those years will still be so far away but it will barely take much time at all.

So I know I'm just blabbering on about a bunch of bullshit. You want to know what;s really up my ass and killing me into a depression to stare into the abyss? My stupid decisions affecting one of my friends. I hate seeing this person that I care about just seem like she doesn't even want to say a word to me anymore. I love how I used to make her laugh and smile and she would play a joke on me. Not it's just like I'm starting to think I'm making shit to unpleasant for her that she's purposely trying to ignore me or something. I think what just kills me the most to is that fact that I had begun to have a crush on her a bit before finding out about her and her boyfriend. I see her with her friends all the time and it starts to make me realize how lonely I actually am. Plus none the less the fact that she plays that joke one time telling me I'm lonely when she was just kidding. It really starts to make me think that she's fucking with me in my head. I start realizing that after class it's 2 situations. Its either just myself in my apartment with my roommate wanting nothing to do with me or it's my skateboard and I and maybe sometimes a friend or 2 that will show up.

I start telling people now that I feel depressed because it hits me and sometimes they will either look at me like I'm fucking crazy or something or if they really care about me they will try to talk to me because they do care about me. I just start to wonder if I really do have something to prove anymore or not on what I have in life. I feel like that's what it's been since I was about 10 years old and it's just grown in me.

I swear to god school get's so frustrating and overwhelming too sometimes I start wondering if I made the right decision or if I should've just moved out to California instead.

I bought some weed to let loose tonight and when I empty my pockets I realized I dropped my Zig Zags somewhere. Now I gotta go back to some gas station and but some. Well fuck this shit....

2/18/14

It's pretty freaky what I just discovered. I've had the thought of dying young recently and I've been feeling fine with that recently. Then I see all these quotes from the 27 club on dying young. Amy Winehouse in particular struck me saying she would be a happy girl if she were to die soon. It's freaky to think that I'm almost close to that same mind set and I'm not sure if that's okay or not anymore.

2/7/14

Once again back at it with life’s questions. Usually once again this involves social status.

I sometimes wonder to myself what is even okay anymore for living life. The only thing okay for me is skateboarding until I can’t skate anymore. That’s just what’s been driving me lately. Pure on skating just the adventures with a crew of people is just great.

I’m just really starting to trip out and wonder what the hell should I do outside of skateboarding? I just feel like lately I’ve been losing my mind because I just don’t know what else to do after it that’s somewhat productive and can almost give me a small fire or passion. I just keep ending up playing Xbox and watching Netflix in my free time which I know might start becoming a habit that may end up somewhere I for want it to end up.

I just can’t seem to figure it out. I know for a fact I won’t be able to skate for the rest of my life because eventually the injuries will just come back to me eventually holding me back. I’ve seen it already with people on how street skating and getting up there with age starts to make it harder. I’m a street skater pure and simple. I wish I knew how to skate transition better and if I could that would be great. Transition skating still happens to help older people out a lot better because of less pain to the body.

I just don’t get it on what people do all day either. I’m just so used to having skateboarding become part of just daily life knowing what I’m going to do and enjoy it. When I’m stuck to the point where I don’t have the opportunity to skate because of bad weather I’m losing my mind on something satisfying to do. I can’t exactly think of stuff as satisfying with barely any work to reach as skateboarding does to me. I just can go skate right away when I feel like it.

I feel like other stuff like maybe trying to pick up a girl for the day or something is too much work sometimes. I just feel like I have to force myself to text somebody to hang with them.

I’ve come to realize I’ve found myself ending up alone now more than maybe I was used to. Loneliness can be a weird thing. I’ve been someone lately who’s just begun to like it nice and quiet without my roommate in my apartment. I feel like I can just live more peacefully and do what I want without having anyone interfere with what I’m doing. I then begin to start wishing as well I had company. I just start thinking about a group of friends or somebody over. Most of all I end up alone going to bars half the time and I gotta make up an excuse like “oh yeah I’m meeting up with somebody” or “my roommate is such a bitch because he thinks none of the bars around here are classy” or “oh yeah my friend I was supposed to meet up with bitched out and left”.

I just wonder if loneliness will start taking a toll and keep becoming a common thing for me. I’m not sure if it’s okay or not. I might just end up dying alone. Some people keep asking the question if it’s okay to die alone and honestly I don’t know anymore if it’s a good thing or bad thing. I used to think it was the worst thing ever but I’m not sure anymore. Besides you’re fucking dead at that point anyways so there’s no longer any self judgement once youre dead.

1/21/14

Wanna hear something sad?

I'm writing a totally bullshit paper for my winter class. Meanwhile I'm addressing the issue of abortion. Having unprotected sex with that one girl a few nights ago is still in my head. How do I know I trust her that she was on the pill? I'm just thinking to myself what happens if I get told that she's pregnant. She told me she was on something totally safe but still it doesn't mean the ultimate truth lies right there by what she said. I still haven't had the balls to tell my dad that I'm having sex yet because I'm afraid my mom would just cut my balls off if he told her. I'm writing about abortion clinics and then I started looking some up in Maryland. I'm just having these worried thoughts come back to me now and I'm just totally overwhelmed by it. Not to mention I still need to complete this fucking bullshit paper.

I swear to god I almost looked like this when I was thinking if bad comes to worse

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