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𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒 💌

was the year i was cognizant of curating the same feeling my parents, great grandparents and those before me were able to accomplish. slowly, with learning how to be gentle. patient. and forgiving with my words. my actions. finding new hobbies through craftsmanship in my paintings. words. drawing. the meals that i prepare. and the woodworking skills others have taught me.

with words i reiterated from last year was ‘𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘭 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘣𝘺 𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘸𝘦 𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘳𝘦’, and the inevitability of what we will become.

i wholeheartedly trusted that instinct.

with that so many beautiful silver linings came out of the most traumatic 3-4 months battling through the worst atopic-dermatitis flare up of my life.

i gave up trying to defend my inner voice when it came to doing things naturally. i learned how to be okay with the idea that i will potentially be on medication until the day that i die.

since then i have physically and mentally been able to do, and be so much more. i am thankful for those who never once denied an opportunity to be there for me.

for the rest of the year it was my utmost goal to 𝐞𝐱𝐞𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬. 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐣𝐮𝐝𝐠𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐥. hosting as many dinners as we possibly could, intertwined with our already busy bee schedules. what i have gathered thus far, is everything takes so much time.

whether that is rekindling old friendships. renewing the meaning of family, and how to better understand each other. likewise with the perceptions we have about ourselves, and those around us.

2024 was the year i truly felt so humbled, and at peace with where i am headed. even after being bedridden, all the sickness, and the job switch in between. 𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐮𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐢 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞. to walk in awareness of why i am the way that i am. how to remain grounded in times of turmoil and stress. because there were moments in my life where i used to be sad all the time, even when i was happy. nowadays, i can confidently claim that i am so profoundly happy- even when i am sad. what a joy it has been to have that conviction.

#poetry #feelings #emotions #excerpt from a book i'll never write

A Prayer in the Reeds

I am learning to listen

to rest in the nearness,

the gentle cling

of the Holy Spirit on my soul.

Newborn to this freedom,

I hop like a baby toad

in and out of the marsh,

soft as breath,

hidden in the reeds.

There,

yet unseen.

When I lay down a “no,”

my heart sinks low

but even there,

the roots of revival stir.

A whisper:

Eternal thoughts are the only way to live.

O God, I beg and I beg

on bruised knees, I plead

that through the dying of self,

I would rise

into Your reverent,

never-ending love.

May I have ears for wisdom,

feet for fleeing

from the cycles

that poison spirit and soul alike.

Let what no longer serves

be left behind

like old skin in the dust.

For it is only in Truth

that I am made whole.

And in that wholeness,

I overflow

willing, abundant

with thanks

to the Creator

for it all.

I’d fill a library 100 times over with the letters I write with them on my mind and in my soul.

#poetry #feelings #emotions #excerpt from a book i'll never write

Who am I?

I am observant of everyone. Everyone else before myself. Their needs before my own needs. I observe interpersonal relationships. Mutualism. Co-dependencies. Identities of others, to try and understand why I am the way that I am. To get answers. Whether verbally communicated or through body language.

Who am I? I am past versions of myself. showing up everyday. I am the three-and-a-half-year-old who belched at the top of her lungs when her mother would leave for a week. I would scream, and holler down every street in hopes of finding my mother. Yet, my mother was not anywhere around. She was busy Dad would say. She is studying.

I am the eight-year-old girl who loved so fucking hard. I loved the idea of being with someone. The idea of receiving love, and fully extending it back to others. Young, dumb, love. With boys who may or may not have loved me back. I am that fourteen-year-old girl who got her heart broken so terribly that I could not recognize myself in the mirror. I itched my skin till it bled every time I thought about disappearing and never showing up again. I would write. And write. And write. Without fully speaking my truth there were so many times I did want to dissipate into the air. The way hot water steams off when thrown in the air at minus forty degrees Celsius.

I am the seventeen-year-old who finally had her prayers answered for a green-eyed, curly brown-haired, boy to enter into my life. I recall being on my knees in my room more than I can count, wishing and hoping for my circumstances to be better. God. The Universe. Whoever you want to believe exists as a higher power – saved me.

I am the eighteen-year-old who fled from my childhood home to couch-hop in my best friend's basement to escape my reality. The reality is that perhaps I never will have a “normal” upbringing. I am the eighteen-year-old. The girl who wanted so badly to be heard. To be seen. To be acknowledged for my innate capacity to remain independent. And yet, I am the twenty-three-year-old.

I am the twenty-three-year-old who finally stood up for the fire burning in my chest. Could not breathe. Could not think. Could not decipher reality from delusion. I am the girl who forgets. Who stays in fight or flight when someone or something has triggered that little girl inside. I am the twenty-three-year-old who continues to find the silver linings in all of my chapters despite the hurt that I constantly feel. A cumulus cloud atop my head everywhere I go – with a rainbow peaking itself out from below me.

I am happiness. I am pain. I am grief. I am emotions that have been suppressed. I am everyone I love and everyone I admire. Everyone I hate.

I may be someone I hate from time to time. I may have thoughts of being swept off my feet into heaven. But I am not my negative thoughts. I am not the anger cooped in my veins. I am not the person who was in psychosis. That was not me. That was everything, all at once, bursting out crying for help.

Help.

I am help. I am helping myself. No matter how badly I wanted to be gone. I am helping myself now. I am not the ones who say they love me and then hold everything above my head. I am Emma Victoria.

The universe. The victory. The one who will share my experiences to help others recognize the pain that each individual carries. I will carry it for them. While caring for myself first.

I am who I am. I am okay. I am enough to breathe in the oxygen in the air and exhale all of what needs to be let go.

I am safe. I am creating a home. For myself. On my own.

drained is a feeling i know all too well.

tears run down my face faster than anticipated.

I just wanna buy myself some time and space. time to process things and appreciate life more frequently. space to keep my mind at ease rather than being in a state of constant wander.

my heart is boundlessly racing, and yet a smile never fails to disguise my sorrows.

each day passes faster than the speed of light. nights are getting shorter as the season grows cold. and i am reminded that we too, go through seasons of change. we never realize such shifts when living within the moment. yet looking back, it’s as if all had been flipped around into intricately woven messes of their own. as i’m getting older i cry. i scream. and i dance. i cry, longing for a childlike mindset that reveals greater strength of imagination, of simplicity. because when you are young, the grand scheme of life is a great mystery of its own. the most awakening parts of living during adolescence, are those where you are drowned in knowledge about the way the clouds are formed. or how the stars and dark sky moulds our universe. living as a child, means living with freedom. not having to worry about what big exam might pass you by, or how you have to one day process that you can’t play in the field forever collecting daisies and pretty flowers. i scream because i do not know how the next few years will put itself together. the uncertainty, the outcome and possibilities of how i choose to navigate my life right now. going from being dependent on my parents, to being independent on my own. i scream, and i scream into my pillow at night, at the thought of having to say goodbyes in the near future. to places i call home. to humans who i’ve been with my entire life. to infrastructures that have built me into the individual i am. the heartbreak that will be caused from being separated from childhood, smells, and faces that remind me of who i was, and why i am who i am now. yet through that all, i dance because i know that God is always in motion. He is doing something even when we least think about it. above all, there are people too, who without even realizing, make a greater impact on me more than they will ever know. so through the seemingly impossible trials to conquer, anything becomes conquerable. knowing that i have love. love from others. love of god. and love for myself.

july 3rd 2019 [3:00am]

i’ve been spending more time in the present. focusing on the parts of life that are most needed for our frail human existence. love, joy, peace, and happiness.

as i flipped through the written pages of my old journal, i encountered the amount of growth i’ve been undergoing since that time. i read about my suffering, the pain i endured; only to clearly reflect that most times we experience such hardships to regain a sense of overwhelming wisdom, strength and the capacity to become someone better. for ourselves, and for others.

above all, what i acknowledged over reading my journal excerpts over the years, is that change is necessary and we must fully embrace that small simple truth.

a friend once told me, “some things won’t stay with who you are now, but new things will come in replacement in who you are later.”

I have never resonated with a statement so much, up until this point. because in its entirety , that’s what it all comes down to. life never slows down. truly, we are all children hurdling towards one shared goal of being completely submersed in contentment and satisfaction in the lives we live.

some find such things within a person. a feeling associated with a place or thing. perhaps something as innocent as writing, or finding one’s purpose in a new faith of some sort. or perhaps their satisfaction comes from something as deteriorating as drugs and alcohol. legitimately, there is countless of ways we find contentment in contrast to our current circumstances. this is because each individual has their own personal conflicts to undergo.

regardless of whatever it may be, when we grasp the concept that things come and go; and finally coming to terms with that truth, everything will seemingly become easier to manage. so please trust the process of healing. trust that where you are, is exactly where you are supposed to be.

believe in yourself enough to let go. to open yourself up to new frontiers. to what gravitates towards you. let it happen the way it is supposed to.

if you are encountering an unexplainable amount of agony, you are not the only one. you are not insignificant for feeling such a way. know that what you’re going through matters. you’re allowed to voice your thoughts. you’re allowed to be sad. don’t feed yourself into the cycle of defeat. rather rise above the idea that you are incapable of growing. you know you are worth so much more. you know there is more to life than being so sad all the time. please gather yourself just as you were before everything happened. because you can heal. no matter how fallen, you have become. you can choose to implant ways to restart.

numb

there are so many small details left in the unsaid. i have lost consciousness of what it feels like to pour my heart out into words.

i love seeing the world through your eyes

replying to despair;

i was so sad for 2 years. never wanted to admit it to myself. never wanted to address it. i think the hardest part for me is telling myself that “okay emma, you had your first heart break. you lost your first so called love. you distanced yourself from everyone in your life, and you don’t know why. you can be mad. be furious, even. let everything out. cry. fall to the floor and seek something greater. and after all the madness, understand when the time to let go is. know that the past is the past, and time changes everything.” because i never knew all that, i thought it was best to keep everything hidden and to myself. which is totally wrong, and which is probably why it took so long for me to be at ease again. then i came across this vast revelation that sometimes you can love people and not be with them.

it took me a while to realize that. so when he came around, i was so easily persuaded to fall back into his arms because i felt comfortable with him. what i didn’t know is that God put me through that situation so i can grow and understand that God wants us to guard our hearts. through our relationships, friendships, etc and so we figure out new ways on how to better our mentality and spirit so we can be even better for the person God has destined for us.

We may feel so lonely right now, and as if barricades are being grown from the ground up every millisecond, though in spite of that God is leading us to someone so soon. and we can’t ignore it. we can’t.

we are all so so loved. we are worthy and so very precious. the love that is coming for every individual is so indescribable we will never have to disregard our emotions ever again. these past few years of me being single has taught me many things. and the one that sticks out to me the most is growing from pain is a long process of stepping above the doubt, and wholeheartedly seeking the hope that is right in front of us. sometimes we can’t feel at peace because we harden our hearts due to the weight of this world. when the truth is, we can be vulnerable and soft, and still feel somewhat okay. because when there comes a point in your life where God becomes the only option, something magical happens.

Lord you search me, how you know me

You perceive my every thought from afar

In all my wandering, still you love me

King of glory you pursue my anxious heart

Even when I'm not, you're faithful

Even when I doubt your truth holds

Even when I'm lost you won't let me go

When my heart is dry your grace flows

No matter where I run, I'm not far from home

Yea, I may be weak but you're able

Even when I'm not, you're faithful

sadtastical

a letter to God;

It’s been a while since i’ve truthfully felt your presence. lately i’ve been consumed more by my flesh than being in line with my spiritual journey and beliefs. I feel excruciatingly guilty for losing sight of what you want for me and the plans that you have set out for me to do. I’m seeking your voice. Perhaps not enough.

God, I’ve been more anxious, easily frustrated, and in a horrible state of mind, but i never want to admit it to myself because i feel as if my feelings and emotions are invalid. The more i volcalize my problems, the more at loss i feel. I don’t know who I am becoming. And there is always good after the bad, but lately I haven’t been feeling such.

Perhaps it’s because i don’t reach out for help very often. Perhaps my tiredness has blinded me of your love. I am exhausted; everyday. Lord, I know your light is what will bring me back into your arms. Lord, though i haven’t felt your presence, i know you are here. you always love me. and have never left. but God, sometimes it’s not always clear.

Lord, I’m seeking my way back to you. and i know it isn’t going to be easy. i know i’ve fallen short of being a committed servant for you and i’m so sorry. I ask for forgiveness of my actions that i know were not pleasing in your sight. i’m sorry for disregarding you, and not paying enough attention to your voice.

i know you are here with me. i know you love me regardless of what i do, and yet i still feel ashamed. ashamed of all the lies, ashamed of all the barricades i’ve put up because the enemy has been knocking at my door and it’s my fault for giving in. God, I just want to be close to you again. and i know i’ll have to give up everything that has given me this temporary feeling of happiness, because God you are the only one who leads me to steady pastures.

God, help me to understand what i’m going through right now. help me discern when the enemy is trying to attack my mind and soul. guide me to the right path once again. Secure my heart in your hands, and guard my mind. and lord i pray that you will grant me the courage and strength to continue living even in times where nothing seems to measure up. help me persevere through moments where all i want to do is be nonexistent on the face of this earth.

God, I just need you.

I’ve been so sad, unmotivated, and overall truthfully not feeling much of myself lately because of putting others needs, and happiness first. and it’s truthfully been draining. mentally and physically. i’m navigating a way to break the chains of this cycle in hopes of no longer jeopardizing my euphoria for the sake of other people. i know there is more to my life than this constant feeling of distress and anguish because others can’t seem to love and acknowledge me as much as i do, them.

;

life has a funny way of placing ephemeral moments of happiness into our lives when we least expect it. so far my weeks have been consisting of up and down spiralling; spiralling of emotional, and mental health caused by an immeasurable weight of stress, and anxiety. though for the longest time, i came to the idea that it’s normal to be off course. i don’t have to feel insignificant or less of an individual due to my struggles, failures, or weaknesses.

in nature, plants and other beings, do not compare their growth with other organisms. they are all equally alive. all equally invested in an ecosystem through their own niche, their own responsibility. they grow as they please, rather than remaining stagnant. perhaps some are smaller than others. however, that does not mean that they have a smaller purpose.

As human beings, we must come to terms with growing even through rough pavements and steep slopes of constant agony. we are all important and each individual learns, and grows differently. whether you have figured it out already, or have not. as for me, I have been reminding myself these small truths daily. trying to make sense of everything God wants for me and my life. it is a recurring concept that i continually aim to grasp and meditate on. because God knows my heart and how i’ve been feeling lately. I’ve been so restless, and eager for change, but i feel nothing is truthfully working. the effort i put in, the tentativeness i encompass during class, and my willingness to learn every second of my day, has not benefitted me to the extent of my expectations. and though these problems of mine are seemingly “difficult”, His peace is worth living for. Though many moments of happiness I’ve experienced have lasted only in fragments —i know there is much more to my life than this. i know that what i’m feeling now, cannot surpass the infinite joy that is coming so so soon.

time doesn’t exist when i’m with you

i would rather love you from afar than be poisoned by the heartache you would inevitably cause me.

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