All Of My Writing

For you to read.

[personalwords]

Different places now:

You show up in different places now

before I memorize your expressions

you to come and go so freely in my mind

you always left a sour taste

the taste became more familiar in June

when my words would make your eyes widen and your face crunch

like a sweet summer raisin

but these raisins take forever to harvest

you see and I am impatient

but for you

I wait

you show up in different places now

I loved every version of you

you first showed up on my phone

then in my car

my house

September came

And for a moment you rested in my arms

a few days later you were gone

I panic trying to grasp any piece of evidence you were ever there at all

all I had was your taste

now it was all I craved

you were gone

you show up in different places now

the song through my car speakers

a T-shirt in my closet

smooth hands and a cigarette scent

I don’t think will ever speak again

[personalwords]

Thank you:

Thank you for giving me

something else to focus on

thank you for giving me

something to look forward to

thank you for being so kind and polite

thank you for making me uncomfortable

and getting me used to silence

thank you for being thoughtful

thank you for being different

thank you for making me realize

there are better people out there

thank you for making me so anxious

I am productive

thank you for inspiring my art

thank you for making me happy sometimes thank you for making me proud

thank you for finally leaving

because Lord knows I wasn’t going to

[personalwords]

I thought about you watching her sleep:

I thought about wearing your hoodies

they’d probably be too small for me

I thought about laying in your bed

and watching you sleep next to me

it makes me feel so lonely

I thought about bringing you to holidays

to meet my family

never thought I’d see the day

and I didn’t

I thought about you with her

you admiring her sleep

and makes me boil in jealousy

and then it makes me weak

Cause you need love more than me

absent for most spaces in your past

you deserve to feel set free

even if it’s not with me

[personalwords]

how lucky i was:

How lucky I was for you to come into my life

a soft-spoken boy with beaten down eyes please tell me all the places you’ve been

so I don’t have to ask

you say nothing at all!

still in your silence I bask

you can do no wrong in my eyes

how lucky I was for you to come into my life now I’m glancing over my shoulder

to see if you’re coming behind

just to see you walk in the other direction

to watch you warp into something

I don’t even recognize

did I turn you into this?

or was this you the whole time?

design the perfect scenario

to make you fit into my life

I just realized

how lucky I was for you to come into my life

[personalwords]

colder:

It’s 1 AM and I know you’re awake.

you’re in the assembly line at the same place

same old space I feel,

same as when you’re here.

I guess it’s not that different

Living through the thing I feared.

you hate my guts now and despise every piece of my head that I held open

every second of each week.

15 to be exact,

and all of them i spent

wondering what it be like with you

laying in my bed.

filling in all the possible spaces

of your idea of me in my head

resulting in many nights laying here

wishing I was dead

the same it’s always been

from June to October

A heart that’s froze over

too many times to count

hardening and thawing back out

over and over and over

finally expiring

so I wish you just stayed

colder

[personalwords]

If you didn’t:

If you didn’t break my heart

you’d be in my arms

if you didn’t break my heart

maybe I’d stop

being inspired to make all this art

if you didn’t break my heart

I’d have more to talk about with my friends they get tired of hearing about

each one of my dead ends

something always needs to be hurting

inside my chest

when everything goes as planned

I have nothing to digest

I digress

It would be nice to have you at night

no, that doesn’t mean

you need to be inserted in my life

but if you didn’t break my heart

maybe my feelings would’ve dimmed

if you didn’t break my heart

that doesn’t mean we still be friends

because you need your space and

I need to be surrounded

by the love they say is there

And the ones who keep me grounded

you come and go just as you please

and that’s OK but for me

I need consistency

so if you didn’t break my heart

maybe I’d be breaking yours

I realize now this would have never worked out the way I’ve rehearsed

I tried to fit you into my life but to you

it just seemed forced

now I hope you’re doing well

but I would never get to know

I hope you know you broke my heart but

that’s all you could’ve chose

there’s no “if you didn’t” cause you did

and I don’t like to play “with if”

all I hope is to see you happy one day

and admit

Even as it was beginning I was planning for it to end

[personalwords]

I love grape soda!

How to be so strong, and still crumble...

to be so bold,

yet,

so shapeless.

doesn’t matter how much I like me.

if you care even a little bit,

I will mold to you.

sticking into every corner of the container

so sickly sweet

taking on the shape I don’t even recognize.

I’ll go fond of her,

and I hope you do as well.

filling you up from my eyes open

until they shut,

bubbling and bursting at the seams.

won’t you take a drink?

You let it sit and watch me spill onto the table,

off the sides staining and sticking in your lap....

rotten

you despise the look of me now...

I do too.

[personalwords]

I usually don’t like cigarettes:

I usually don’t like cigarettes...

with their sharp smell

and soft strings that linger,

But between your fingers

I don’t mind it.

I want to lay in the

sweet smell that stains you’re clothes.

I wanna taste them on your lips

when I wake up.

I don’t mind the ash left in my cupholders,

But i usually don’t like cigarettes

[personalwords]

Fool:

Must be a heavenly way to live,

wrap between your arms and legs

pushing on your lips.

But I can’t believe how I’ve ran myself thin.

felt like I’ve caught lightning in a bottle showing everyone I got lucky,

how I finally captured it!

I shook it up and watched it all erupt.

all the light running away from me.

I am the fool.

[personalwords]

REAL LIFE:

He taught me real life

He taught me to live a lie

Maybe it’s the truth

to hold back the feelings?

To hide the real you?

Cause feelings they’re scary

and nobody wants them

Let it all out, just wait, you’ll be the victim

He taught me real life

when he said not the text him,

unless I’m down for a 5 minute session

Nobody’s looking for love,

and maybe neither am I.

Does that mean I’m just like them?

Or does that mean I’m just deprived

You must lie

You must lie your life depends on it

[personalwords]

I AM NOTHING:

Last night I had to wait

till you were done with her

to sleep in your arms

I heard her breathing your name

as I lay still in

the bed beside yours

as if I weren’t there at all

I heard you tell her the same things you tell me “you..are mine”

tears roll down my face

and soak the pillowcase

but I stayed quiet

for your sake

not to blow your cover

you’re finished with her and just like that

she’s nothing

you tell her to leave and that’s my cue

I poke my head out from

the bed beside yours

I roll over to you

tangling my legs between yours

As I grow warm

cuddled in the hollow if your chest

and in this moment

I am yours

and even in my dreams

her scent still stains Your skin

you wake up with her in the morning and

I wake in mine just like

I am nothing.

[personalwords]

SHOTGUN:

I try not to speak the words that I feel

when it’s all thrown out in the open this

rush of feelings

are made real

I wouldn’t want to steal

this opportunity from myself

by saying something heavy

that I knew just wouldn’t help

hard to say to myself

“he doesn’t have the best intentions”

Hard to prove to myself

that I’m the one I should be missing

because at the start it was a new fun

finally filling the space with solutions

but with the temporary fix comes

wild cherry bliss and

a shotgun

[personalwords]

Just another Thursday night

I keep thinking about getting drunk all the time

Cause I’m keeping you locked up in the back of my mind

Seemed you were fading away but I’ve been crying so much these past couple days

I think for once in a long time I’m living in the fast lane

But the days are still dragging on and i dont understand the reason I’m hurting.

And if hurt people hurt people I think I’m gonna be the enemy

Cause why the fuck would you want to be a friend of me?

Even though I know I’ll reject I keep pulling them in because I’m lonely till they hold me and then I tell’em they don’t know me and I

think id rather be grieving right now rather than crying on the phone

Even though I love you I want you here or gone

Your absence is killing me but I’m waiting until January so i can see your face again

We’re gonna chat for a couple hours a day and then start all over as friends

I dont tthink i can keep it up

Keep flipping the switch in my mind to turn you on or off.

And when It’s on it’s like we’re back to how it’s always been. Giggling in trees and cutting off all our other friends

But when we’re off i feel so gone and want to floor it off a cliff.

Because I can never deal with my head everytime we split.

I’ll duck my head back underground and work the whole night through

I’ll find another guy that fill the void who coincidentally looks just like you

But he’s not so I’ll let him rot in my mind and then cut-’em loose.

[personalwords]

THOUGHT IT’D BE FUN

I thought that it’d be fun

To be on the other side

I though that I’d be fun

To not be chasing after guys

I thought that it’d be fun

To be the one that they want

But it ain’t fun

No it ain’t fun

Maybe I’m broken

Maybe I’m weak

Maybe I’m frozen

Maybe next week

Call me next week

And I’ll always change my mind

Once i got you

And i say that i am fine

But i dont want you

Like i used to

It’s nothing you did wrong

No it’s just a change in heart

I promise I’ll come back to you

though not very smart

I’ll beg you and I’ll cry

Just like i did last time

Don’t trust it, just fight it

Cause loving me has grit

Uncomfortable and awkward

Until the day we split

Won’t you be the one to fix me

Won’t you be the one to try

Just put in extra work

Will you make me feel alright?

Cause I’ve been breaking hearts

Ever since that I’ve known love

But mine is unfamiliar

Just like a push and tug.

[personalwords]

Concert

Hands bouncing round the room

and swaying side to side

Seeing a color so saturated

you’d think that it was dyed

A room full of blinding yellow sun

Feelings so strong

if only i could bottle it and run

If i could live in this moment forever

I’d be happy for all of my life

Perhaps this feeling is just a state of mind

But i haven’t experienced it without

all my favorite people intertwined.

The only people that make me safe

the only people who watch me cry.

If only i could bottle it and run

If i could live in this moment forever

I’d be happy for all of my life

Perhaps this feeling is just

a state of mind

[personalwords]

Clearing the slate....again

eah i think i fell in love at 15

People tell me that I’m speaking a lie

But i think im saying what i mean

Cause when he left he took all my light

It’s the kinda thing that crumbles your life

and you don’t wanna put up a fight

for the one that loves you

one that hugs you

the one you gave everything

that you, you had in you,

cause on the flip side it’s darker

the flip side is harder

because you weren’t the only one

that he was giving his heart to.

He said “i never wanna hold a girl down”

.starting now and every time after.

and sorry baby

thought you knew just who i was after

I’ll find a man and call him my own in our home

and cherish the moments from now”

I’m thinking ill gonna run away from this town

And in my brain it’s gonna burn to the ground

He said “I’m sorry baby

Didn’t know you were making your plans

U should’ve told me

but i gotta go chase my man”

Yeah i think i fell in love at 15

People tell me that I’m speaking a lie

But i think im saying what i mean

Cause when he left he took all my light

It’s the kinda thing that crumbles your life

and you don’t wanna put up a fight

for the one thing that loves you

one thing that hugs you

the one thing you gave everything

that you had in you

And now your picking of pieces of yourself

sorting each and everyone of them out

From the ones he left a mark on

and the ones that you made,

but i wanna just start over

with a

fresh

clean

slate.

[personalwords]

Just another Thursday night

I keep thinking about getting drunk all the time

Cause I’m keeping you locked up in the back of my mind

Seemed you were fading away but I’ve been crying so much these past couple days

I think for once in a long time I’m living in the fast lane

But the days are still dragging on and i dont understand the reason I’m hurting.

And if hurt people hurt people I think I’m gonna be the enemy

Cause why the fuck would you want to be a friend of me?

Even though I know I’ll reject I keep pulling them in because I’m lonely till they hold me and then I tell’em they don’t know me and I

think id rather be grieving right now rather than crying on the phone

Even though I love you I want you here or gone

Your absence is killing me but I’m waiting until January so i can see your face again

We’re gonna chat for a couple hours a day and then start all over as friends

I dont tthink i can keep it up

Keep flipping the switch in my mind to turn you on or off.

And when It’s on it’s like we’re back to how it’s always been. Giggling in trees and cutting off all our other friends

But when we’re off i feel so gone and want to floor it off a cliff.

Because I can never deal with my head everytime we split.

I’ll duck my head back underground and work the whole night through

I’ll find another guy that fill the void who coincidentally looks just like you

But he’s not so I’ll let him rot in my mind and then cut-’em loose.