a million melancholies

i am a girl with an endless sadness. i was born in the cold of winter. i have my mothers eyes and my fathers nose. i have a beauty mark on my breast and a hummingbird heart in my chest. i cover my mouth when i smile, and i pinch my skin when im nervous. i cry at night and i read all day. i like the colours of the ocean and the scent of wisteria trees and my most favorite thing to do is dream in the curve of a lovers arm.

[phosphiines]

[lasmaracuyas]

[petalprose-blog]

You really have lost your mind if you think you can harass me and my family over the internet and threatening me with court. I read your message out to our mutual friend and she couldn't believe that you are so hypocritical and pathetic after so long, she could only shake her head in disbelief. Please put the tin foil hat back on that crazy balding head of yours and leave us alone. 

[petalprose-blog]

The past six months have been pretty up and down. This weekend was a massive failure, because I spiralled into an uncontrollable, emotional mess. I ended up attempting to take my own life by taking a bunch of pills again. This is my 8th overdose attempt in my life. That figure is fucking terrifying. Why did i do this to myself? Im smarter than this. The damage I must have done to my liver is incomprehensible....yet I still bring myself to that place. That wild, insatiable urge to end it all just blurrs my thoughts. That incoherent craze where a mist decends over all rational thinking and I reach for every pill at my disposal. And the strange thing is, I dont even regret it once it is done. Currently though, I feel as though this is another failure. A few weeks ago, i thought i was *there*. I thought i had beaten this and it and it was all behind me, but I think I was convincing myself of this. I knew deep down I have been irriatic, irrational, and hard to live with lately. I lashed out physically at my boyfriend over the weekend in a drunken rage over something so trivial. So, ive decided to take steps to stop this before i gets any worse. Its back to my medication, back to CBT. I'm trying to feel as though this is a positive thing by admitting I need help, but I can't help but feel as though I have ruined everything, that I will never beat this, that I'll be medicated forever. My boyfriend said, that ive been medication free for around a year and a half... something I should be proud of. Theres been blips and crashes throughout but nothing like this for a long time, and the fact I am seeking help again shows that I want to change my life, that I want to be happy, and that in itself requires strength. I'm really trying to see it that way. I really am but whilst I am writing this waiting for my prescription to be dispensed, I just want to disapear.

[simply-quotes-deactivated202002]

I wanted people to trust me, despite anything they’d heard. And more than that, I wanted them to know me. Not the stuff they thought they knew about me. No, the real me. I wanted them to get past the rumors. To see beyond the relationships I once had.

Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why  (via her0inchic)

[lvlust]

I used the be the girl that begged someone to stay, now im just opening the door for whoever wants to leave my life

a year changes you a lot  (via her0inchic)

[diaryofacreativehoarder]

[motivational-quotes22]

[petalprose-blog]

I grieved today for the times I have loved so much that I forgot about myself and my own needs. I grieved today for giving so much and forgetting that I should keep a little bit back just for me. I grieved today for getting so caught up in helping others that I overlooked I needed a little help as well. I grieved today for thinking I could just do it all denying that I also have my limits. And sometimes having limitations is a blessing. I just want to love people in a way that lets me feel loved too. I don't want to forget myself anymore.

[lora-mathis]

What is there to say? Everything is hard. Returning phone calls. Not choking when I try to speak. Getting out of bed. What is there to do? I put foot in front of foot and trust that I will not wobble enough to give myself away. Pour concrete into my mouth to have an excuse for struggling with answering questions. Stare at the window. Look at hills and think of five years from now, of eventual sleep, of digging a hole and jumping inside. I train myself to half-listen when others speak and still hear the noise in my chest. I nod appropriately. What else is there? Get up. Go. Go. Go. Pause. Go. Accelerate. Go. Go go go. No stop. No exit. No time to reflect. Just experience after experience, and then the shaky seconds spent recovering from them. Pouring black coffee into wounds. Getting your feelings hurt over people who are not thinking of you in that way, have never thought of you in that way. Wasting time playing the game, the same game, hoping it will work this time around. I have put all of my effort into things that never wanted me back, in hopes that I could change the outcome. How else can I communicate this? I do not want to try anything, with anyone, anymore.

Anything Anyone Anymore, Lora Mathis  (via fawun)

[c0ntemplations]

I’m a very private person. Sometimes, I fear that nobody really knows me at all. Sometimes, I don’t even know me either.

(via goghst)

[theofficialashleynoel-blog]

I know. I’m very hard to talk to. I realize that.

J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye (via theofficialashleynoel)

[larmoyante]

I am not at home in myself. I am my own stranger.

Anne Sexton, A Self-Portrait in Letters (via larmoyante)

[drowned-in-daydreams]

[ameliathermopolis]

You have such a February face, so full of frost, of storm and cloudiness.

William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing (via nymfit)

[staypozitive]

Good times become good memories and bad times become good lessons.

(via ohlovequotes)

[wordsnquotes]

Everything has changed and yet, I am more me than I’ve ever been.

Iain Thomas, I Wrote This For You    (via seulray)