Light upon light. Struggling in Allah's path, expecting barakah. Barakah – is not only blessing, but also the abundance of goodness and its continuity.
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Light upon light. Struggling in Allah's path, expecting barakah. Barakah – is not only blessing, but also the abundance of goodness and its continuity.
I couldn’t sleep last night I found myself crying in the middle of the night, when suddenly, all the memories came back, and with them, the guilt returned too
Knowing that my birthday is almost here feels unbearable My first birthday as a fatherless girl My first birthday without your wishes The first time I will not hear from you again
It is a birthday I don’t know how to face
I keep avoiding the fact that I am growing older, while you remain the same age forever It feels strange, almost impossible to understand, and somehow, deeply unfair
Angels
It happens like this. One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else—closer to them than your closest family. Perhaps because this person carries an angel within them—one sent to you for some higher purpose, to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust in them—even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering—the reason for their presence will become clear in due time.
Though here is a word of warning—you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn’t to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled, the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.
— Lang Leav always be my favourite poem from her since a decade a go.
There will be someone who watches the same movies as you, reads the same books, and with whom every conversation feels easy. You won’t need to force yourself to fit in.
Someone who shares the same values, the same kind of weirdness as yours. And this time, you’ll be chosen wholeheartedly, without hesitation, without any doubt.
There will be. Someday. One day. In syaa Allah.
Prague, 9 May 2026
Sering kali begitu takjub dengan bagaimana cara Allah menjawab doa-doa dari hamba-Nya. Di antara yakin dan tidak yakin, di antara kepasrahan yang ada, Allah tunjukkan jalan-Nya.
Großbeeren, 8 Mei 2026
Rezeki
Ternyata rezeki itu tidak melulu tentang hasil akhir dari apa yang kita tuju atau inginkan. Misalnya, teman kita mengajak kita mengunjungi tempat yang kita percaya bahwasanya kita kurang menyukai tempat itu. Jalannya tak mudah dan tahu apa yang cukup pahit? Ternyata saat kita hampir sampai, tempat tersebut tidak bisa kita kunjungi — kita menyebutnya belum rezeki. Awalnya cukup kecewa, namun ternyata setelah disadari dari perjalanan ini, kamu menemukan ada keindahan pada tempat yang dulunya kamu percaya tempat-tempat tersebut tidaklah nyaman. Pada tempat-tempat yang dalam benakmu tak pernah terbersitkan untuk kau tuju, kamu menemukan alasan untuk singgah. Rezeki kali ini tidaklah berbentuk hasil dari apa yang kita tuju, melainkan berbentuk arah yang baru — arah yang baru kita ketahui keindahannya. Kepada semua pihak yang membantu perjalananku menemukan arah yang baru, beribu-ribu terima kasih aku ucapkan!
Großbeeren, 7 Mei 2026
It’s so funny how I’ve finally found my spark for writing again after so many months. All this time, I tried to push myself, to force the words out, but nothing came. And now I’m beyond happy to share my stories and thoughts again — it feels like meeting an old friend after years apart.
Großbeeren, 7 Mei 2026
Finding the way
Teringat perjalanan ke Austria kemarin, salah satu negara sejauh ini yang aku kurang suka transportasi umumnya karena menurutku tidak jelas alias tulisan di google maps dan di app nya itu beda dengan yang tertulis di bus/keretanya, udah gitu kadang ga jelas peronnya di mana. Akan tetapi ada satu hal yang entah kenapa membuatku terenyuh – di antara kami para turis ini saling bertanya memastikan rute transum, kita saling membantu dan memastikan kita semua menuju arah yang tepat dengan transportasi yang tepat. Hal yang selama ini aku sadari ketika semua transum mememiliki pengaturan yang presisi, maka kita tak akan bertanya kepada orang lain, yang ada kita bergantung sepenuhnya kepada google maps/apps dan fokus pada diri kita sendiri. "We're helping each other." – salah satu kalimat yang diceletukkan oleh seseorang di antara kami. "You helped all of us to get in the bus." – kalimat yang diucapkan oleh satu dari tiga orang yang kubantu pesan tiket dan mencari rute tujuan mereka. "Thank you for your help." – ucap seorang setelah memastikan dimana bus yang ia naiki akan berhenti. Sederhana tapi kalimat tersebut begitu hangat dan belum pernah aku rasakan di perjalan-perjalanan lainnya. We're stranger, but we're helping each other :) Maa syaa Allah, terima kasih Austria, telah membuat hangat sisi kemanusiaanku. Großbeeren, 6 Mei 2026
Glad to be back
After months of hiatus, I’m finally back. After several sessions with a psychologist and a grief counselor, I’ve started to find myself again, little by little. I’m still grieving. As my counselor said, grief will stay with me for the rest of my life. But I’m learning to embrace it, and maybe one day, grief will embrace me too, so we can learn to live together.
As I slowly find my way back, I’ve realized how important it is for me to write about everything I feel. Maybe one day, my future self will be proud of me.
I used to think that after losing my father, nothing else could hurt me more. But it’s strange. Everything that’s been happening lately, my thesis, experiments, assignments, loneliness, and heartbreak, all of it somehow leads me back to my grief. I keep wondering, how could all of this happen to me? To someone who has just lost her father. Why does the world feel so cruel to a fatherless girl?
And then I think… maybe everything would feel a little lighter if I still had my father.
Großbeeren, 4 May 2026
Sometimes, we need a safe space, not to seek attention, but simply to express our feelings without thinking about who might be watching. Sometimes, you just want to share your story so badly, without expecting any response, simply to remind ourselves one day.
Großbeeren, 4 May 2026
Luxury What a luxury — to dream about my father. A few days after he was gone, I heard his parting words, the ones I had been so desperate to ask about. What a luxury — to dream about my father. He was smiling, hugging me, as if to say, “Don’t cry. I’m okay. I love you. Keep living your life. I’m watching over you, always.” What a luxury — to dream about my father. Clinging to him, asking him to do whatever I wanted, just like I always did and just like he always did for me. Großbeeren, 4 May 2026
Suddenly, I will burst into tears, realizing that my future children will never meet my father — their grandfather. They will not know how deeply he will have loved his grandchildren. They will never know what it will feel like to be loved by a grandfather; to be picked up by him whenever they cry, to be comforted by him whenever I am upset with them, or to have him make them a bottle of milk.
Hi, it’s me. I’m kinda back.
It’s been so long since my last post. I’ve been going through all this grief. I lost myself — I can’t recognize who I am anymore. I am no longer the person I was before.
Sounds dramatic, doesn’t it? However, this is my reality.
I even went to a psychologist, just to figure out what is happening.
I bought some books about grief and losing a dad, but instead of finishing them, I couldn’t find myself reading them anymore. It always ended with me crying on every page — crying so hard, crying out loud, to the point that I couldn’t handle it.
Tomorrow is the first day of Ramadan — first sahur, first fasting. I’m used to doing everything alone, sahur and breaking fast. However, it will not be the same since my dad is gone. I feel empty. I never thought emptiness could be this loud. Grossbeeren, 18 February 2026
Sering terbersit di pikiranku bahwa aku lelah sekali berduka, aku lelah dengan isak tangisku tiap kali teringat akan Bapak. Selalu pecah tangisku ketika tiba-tiba ada postingan tentang Ayah, tentang Ayah yang pergi, tentang perjuangan Ayah yang seketika mengingatkanku tentang Bapak. Aku mencoba membayangkan, bagaimana ya perasaan Bapak ketika tahu aku setiap hari menangis karena Bapak? Tak sekedar menetaskan air mata, namun menangis tersedu-sedu. Aku sangat lelah berduka, aku merasa tak ingin melakukan apa-apa, hanya ingin melakukan hal-hal yang tidak berguna dan membuatku bahagia, seperti menonton drama korea dan melihat sosial media. Aku tidak fokus belajar, aku tidak menyelesaikan tugas-tugasku dengan baik, aku tidak tahu mengapa. Apakah karena aku sedang berduka? Lalu pertanyaannya, sampai kapan kedukaan ini?
Ghent, 21 Januari 2026
pencapaian
kalau tahun ini pencapaian terbesarmu adalah bertahan, tetap bangun setiap hari, tetap melakukan hal-hal yang adalah kewajibanmu, tetap menunaikan tugasmu, kamu hebat.
kalau tahun ini pencapaian terbesarmu adalah melepaskan sesuatu yang memang bukan untukmu atau bukan milikmu, kamu hebat.
kalau tahun ini pencapaian terbesarmu adalah memutuskan memaafkan orang-orang yang tidak pernah meminta maaf kepadamu, kamu hebat.
kalau tahun ini pencapaian terbesarmu adalah mengakui kesalahan dirimu dan bertaubat atasnya, kamu hebat.
kalau tahun ini kamu tidak menunggu tahun berganti untuk memulai kebiasaan baru yang baik, kamu hebat.
percayalah, kamu hebat.
Bapak, maaf ya, aku jarang menelfon, sungguh aku ingin.. Bapak, maaf ya, aku tak ada di sisi Bapak kala Bapak sakit Bapak, maaf ya, aku tak ada di sisi Bapak kala Bapak menghembuskan nafas terakhir Bapak, maaf ya, bahkan aku tak pulang mengantarkan Bapak ke peristirahatan terakhir Bapak Bapak, maaf ya, setiap malam aku menangisi Bapak Bapak, maaf ya, hatiku masih terlalu kecil untuk mencerna semua ini Nairobi, 17 Desember dua hari setelah kepergiaan Bapak
Aku baru menyadari bahwa ia yang selalu ada untukku kini telah tiada Aku baru menyadari bahwa ia yang selalu memenuhi pintaku kini telah tiada Aku baru menyadari bahwa ia yang selalu pertama memasang badannya untukku kini telah tiada Aku baru menyadari bahwa ia yang selalu meyakinkanku bahwa semuanya akan baik-baik saja kini telah tiada
Bapak, duniaku tak lagi sama tanpamu Nairobi, 16 Desember 2025 sehari setelah kepergian Bapak