Loving the ESFJ in your life
So half of this is stolen from my previous posts but I wanted to compile it all for you so, here are some ways to understand an love your ESFJ friends (and mums). I intend to keep adding to it over time and please feel free to do the same via reblog or submission.
Attracting an ESFJ
1. Hello tradition and manners. We like them, we are not as picky as other SJ’s but don’t be fooled, manners go a long way in our books. If you are a guy trying to impress a girl this is key. Open the door, make the first move, treat her like a lady (without being patronizing), we won’t go hard core feminist on you (most of the time… maybe for a joke sometimes) But we really do find those things touching. Alternatively if you are a girl, LET HIM do that stuff. If you open the door for him or try turning his polite act around on him he will most likely just feel deflated and awkward. Its how we show we care. Srs tho. Chivalry is life.
2. Inside Jokes. Gotta love inside jokes. Something thats ours, in our little bubble. Something thats just you and them, that you mention casually and the little things you do to reference those inside jokes. And DON’T leave them out of other inside jokes, if you have them with other people, don’t reference them and then not explain, we hateeee to be left out.
3. People, people, people. People matter! Talk to them about your life, their life, good news you heard about a mate. Let them talk about their mates, their day, and don’t assume its gossip, we just like talking about people. We like to talk and it can be annoying but often we talk cause no one else will, but we like listening too. Nothings worse than feeling like you’re the only one talking.
4. Tell them little things about yourself, stupid little things. Silly little stories from your childhood, a little moment you had the other week. We love it, and it makes us feel a little closer to you. And if you can, remember the little things we tell you about us. Nothing means more. Little gifts that mean a lot, little moments of laughter, we do like to stop and smell the roses, to enjoy those little things. So let us.
5. Attention. We do like attention. Doesn’t everyone? Message us first, do little things like pay extra attention to us in a group, make time to see us. Don’t do that “cool-guy” thing where you ignore us and chat to all your friends to try and be mysterious and alluring or WHATEVER. Its not attractive and you’ll probs hurt our feelings and have us questioning everything.
6. Okay this seems obvious but never, ever, ever leave a conversation without properly saying goodbye. I’ve noticed a lot of people do this and for some bizarre reason think its okay to stop talking when the conversation drifts off.This. Kills. Our. Soul. Just please dear god never do that. It just makes us question what we’ve said to drive you off. But this is more general than just ESFJ’s.
7. We do like to be touched. On the arm, hand, joking pat on the head, a quick hug (if appropriate). Seems weird… don’t force it too much (and don’t overdo it :P), but its true. A little touch on the arm can mean a lot. Or a consensual cuddle.
8. Use your damn face. Show emotion for goodness sakes. If you are listening NOD YOUR HEAD, hold their eyes, smile, show emotion on your face. INTJ’s can be soooo hard to deal with because they show like no emotion and i ALWAYS worry i am boring them to DEATH and so i just stop talking. Show emotion.
9. Show us how you feel. duh. We wanna know and if you don’t give us some indication our insecurity will kill your chances. Not even just how you feel about us. Show us how you feel about everything as you go along. #Fe
10. (Gotta be cliche) Be yourself. We are generally pretty accepting of everyone but being some fake robotic person will not get you far
Ways to Avoid hurting an ESFJ
1. They are not stupid. Never patronize an ESFJ. Sometimes we come across as childish, immature or incapable of deeper thought… but its just because we like to laugh and unwind by being playful. We do not enjoy the potential angst that serious topics can create and thus avoid them at times. We are often down for a deeper conversation though, if the opportunity arises.
2. They are affected by your emotions, even if they don’t show it. Every frown has us worried, every smile brings us joy. We can’t help it and sometimes we hate it. But the Fe emotions do fluctuate a lot depending on its environment.
3. They are sensitive. Be careful with playful humor that may hurt them. But don’t tip-toe around them either as we hate it when people treat us like babies. Be sensitive, but not patronizing.
4. Never insult the people they love. ESFJs, like all, will react to this. But they are likely to be a lot more aggressive as they can be a bit like mums.
5. YOU ARE DIFFERENT (unless you’re an ESFJ). Remember that. You think and feel differently. Don’t try and understand. Just accept.
6. Don’t ever tell them they are “too much”. Never tell them to worry less, be less complimentary, be less talkative or call us annoying for doing these things. That hurts more than anything as that is a big part of how we show love.
7. Don’t call them a gossip or nosy for caring about people. Sometimes we gossip yes, and call us out for sure. BUT sometimes we care about people and we don’t know how to deal with them, or we are having a hard time and we just need to talk it through because of our Fe. The worst thing you could do is call it gossiping as that is NOT our heart behind it.
Helping a stressed ESFJ
Love them. Be there for them. Don’t try and “fix” or “solve” their problems unless they give you signs that they want you to, or its something small like making a meal. ESFJ’s are SJ’s and they have a way they like to do things, but their Fe will mean they won’t really tell you if you’re doing it wrong because they’ll be touched you’re trying to help… but you might make it worse. So be careful. More just try and be there to talk, to be present, to be understanding when they need help. Things like a meal, or some chocolate, or something like giving them a lift or whatever (something that there’s no way to mess up basically) can be super nice and really appreciated. Mostly as the love they will feel from that will help more than anything. A cuddle r hug or chat does some wondrous things. But also, space if they need. Exroverts need “me time” too. You have to judge it on a case-by-case basis, every ESFJ is different and reacts slightly differently.
Showing love for an ESFJ
1. We overthink things a lot, so soothing those thoughts is always very helpful.. and please don’t give us reasons to overthink. Be straight up, and honest. This is such a key.
2. Let us love you. We love to love. People love to love. So let us love you how we love you. By being an annoying mum friend or telling you off about not sleeping enough. By bringing you chocolate or by trying to talk to you about whats going on. We love as best we can and sometimes all you need to do is let us.
3. We love how we want to be loved, so pay attention. If you want to take care of your ESFJ, pay attention to how they love and take care of you.
4. We like to talk. A lot. We talk too much. We are very chatty. Let us be. Let us talk and talk back as well. We don’t want to talk AT you. We want to talk with you. So talk.
I know a lot of these things all seem very general and like they might apply to all types. In a way, they do. BUT theses are the BEST for ESFJ’s. Good for others, and other things are also good for ESFJs… But I think these are the best things you can do. Love you alll heaps. Thanks for your support
xxESFJblog
