this morning, nightmares and nausea - nothing new, nothing I’m not used to. heartbreak and worthlessness at the very front of my brain, staring me in the face as I open my eyes to a muggy grey sky, not white and clean but sad and heavy and humid and alone. I wonder if he’s alone or with some dirty blonde but that’s not important and honestly, I don’t really care. his love was trash. And not like, New York City dig through the pile and find something golden trash but hot, wet, useless trash. I have scratches down my back from my own hand and it’s making me feel imperfect and deserving of the worst. but on my walk to get a coffee I find solace in the bright color around me - yellow daisies and red and orange weeds twisting up from the dirt. pink bougainvillea spilling over a brick wall - heat. energy. I still have so much letting go and so much work to do but there are reminders everywhere of who I am and that I can handle it and that finally I’m at least facing the right direction. it feels like true strength, star focus, next level art. I let the nightmares slide off of my shoulders and I know the scratches will heal. hone in on that, like a beam of light. I want a cigarette but I don’t smoke one because I know the dizziness will make me feel cheap. And anyway, all you can do sometimes is just get through the day. I don’t need nicotine. I don’t need him. I don’t need fucking anybody.
titsay
snowghoul
theartofmadeline
izzy806
turnnoffyourmind
