pettycritiques

[pettycritiques]

i want to see a new saw film taking place in a buddhist monastery with jigsaw growing increasingly frustrated as the monks immediately do the necessary sacrifices to beat the puzzles

[pettycritiques]

there is only ads

when I'm purging xenos on calderis, I work up a carnifex-sized thirst. so I turn to powerblade. It's got the mix of electrolytes and blessings from the god-emperor on his golden throne that keep me safe from the warp's madness.

[pettycritiques]

the banana show

lizzo must've been an oki marine

[pettycritiques]

sixteen tons que sera sera

there's a great gag in demolition man where they turn on the radio and the top 'oldies' station only plays 'mini-tunes' aka commercials

who would want that?

today i found myself searching for old tv commercials on youtube

[pettycritiques]

too much naked

if you were dating jerry seinfeld on the show "seinfeld," what would be the reason that jerry would break up with you?

for me, it would be that i don't refrigerate my sodas

jerry: who wouldn't want a cold drink?

george: i'll tell ya who, a lizard person

jerry: a lizard person?

george: cold-blooded, jerry! a cold drink? they'd freeze to death!

[pettycritiques]

armstrong's rule

you're not allowed to use the song "what a wonderful world" in a media project unless used ironically

[pettycritiques]

pig in a poke

when i was a kid i had a love/hate relationship with the movie national lampoon's european vacation, specifically the opening with the gameshow. i found the families dressed in pig costumes to be completely grotesque, but was amused by so much else

[pettycritiques]

in disney's aladdin the titular character wishes to be a prince.

then, near the end of the movie he laments not being a 'real' prince, exclaiming, "what if they find out I'm not really a prince?"

why wasn't he a real prince? the wish should have made him a real prince. he didn't wish to have 'the trappings' of a prince, he wished to BE a prince. he literally yells, "genie, I wish for you to make me a prince!"

[pettycritiques]

the law of pasta

the more i concentrate on not letting any of my lasagna noodles fall on the floor the more likely i am to drop one

[pettycritiques]

mitch mcconnell cupcake-doggin'

[pettycritiques]

they're not aliens

gee, i wonder why a bunch of thrill-seeking legal meth users flying at thousands of miles per hour and experiencing almost-loss-of-consciousness or full on g-induced loss-of-consciousness would see a bunch of strange lights exhibiting erratic movements that don't show up on radar and then disappear in milliseconds leaving absolutely no evidence whatsoever...

"There were 65 RAAF fighter pilots who completed the survey (age 20-53 yr, height 168-193 cm, weight 64-110 kg, jet hours 30-5700 h). Of these pilots, 98% indicated they had experienced at least one visual or cognitive disturbance in the high G environment: gray-out 98%; black-out 29%; and A-LOC symptoms 52%, including abnormal sensation in limbs, disorientation, and confusion."

Rickards CA, Newman DG. G-induced visual and cognitive disturbances in a survey of 65 operational fighter pilots. Aviat Space Environ Med. 2005 May;76(5):496-500. PMID: 15892551.

so it's not aliens, it's 'a state of altered perception wherein awareness of reality is absent as a result of sudden, critical reduction of cerebral blood circulation caused by increased G force'

[pettycritiques]

soothing

sometimes a rap lyric will get stuck in my head and i have to listen to it over and over until i can spit along with the song

current fixation: royce da 5'9"s line in "i'm on everything" where he says, "kid you not, I’m lit up as fuck, tablecloth tucked in my pants 'til i'm hearing dishes drop, as I walk away from my dinner with schmucks"

[pettycritiques]

ghost wanted

HAUNT ME previously haunted house in need of new spirit. please contact me if you can provide mischievous emanations, spectral luminescence, ghastly noises, or general feelings of unease. I NEED A REAL GHOST. this is not a joke. Serious respondents only.

Ghost Wanted - Kindle edition by Pisano, John. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like

[pettycritiques]

one time

singing "taking the kids to my sister's" to the tune of "killing me softly"