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July: my cat

Today was rough. One of my friends is on their literal deathbed with a terrible infection. They expect to only live a while longer.

Additionally I received the news that my cat has a heart condition and will need to take more medicine. My cat will need a EKG to help determine the nature of the heart condition.

Daisy has been the family cat for 10 years. And I currently live alone except for her, so this is personally painful news.

It would be awful to receive either of those today, but I learned both within 5 minutes. Ouch.

#cat #life and death

July with cat

An early morning photo of me and my cat (both nude). This photo is special for reasons.

#nsfw #cat

Off the rails

A phrase I've always used in my relationship is "this is going off the rails". I've used this to express that I'm seeing the relationship veer off from what I feel was agreed upon or what is healthy.

But lately I've wondered if something is wrong with me and how I perceive relationships because I realized that I've used this phrase in every relationship I've ever been in.

An example that comes to mind is my relationship with J. When we started seeing each other we had sex every time we saw each other, which was 3-4 times a week. Other activities included going to dancing at the club and seeing concerts.

A few years later and our sex life had been cut in half, down to 1-2 times a week and we weren't dancing as much. Concerned, I told J that I felt our relationship had "gone off the rails" and that I'd like us to discuss and make sure we're on the same page. We had an uncomfortable discussion but in the end we both agreed that sex 1-2 times a week was good and we'd go dancing 2x a week.

A few months after that our sex life is down to once every 1-2 weeks, and I'm going dancing and to concerts by myself. Confused, as we had both agreed to what we wanted, I sat J down to express how the relationship had "gone off the rails".

Please don't get hung-up on the particular example. It's just an example. The point is that I go through life assuming:

It's healthy to have discussions in relationships around needs/wants

It's healthy to understand each other's needs/wants and work to meet them; sometimes by finding a middleground.

It's healthy to set expecations in the relationship

It's healthy to assume that when a partner agrees to something, they can be trusted

Am I naïve? Am I being an idiot? I thought these type of things were normal parts of a healthy relationship.

Ignoring everything I've been told and only looking at behavior, I see this instead:

Discussing needs/wants is pointless

Needs/wants are 100% personal and responsible for being met by the person--by any means necessary

Expectations only lead to disappointment

A partner's words cannot be trusted. They will do what they want.

Without going into detail, I've had two partners in my previous long term relationships tell me directly that meeting my sexual needs is my responsibility and it's better for me to cheat on them than to try to discuss the issue with them.

Extreme examples to be sure, but examples nonetheless.

Taking a step back from everything, what's the correct course of action? I feel like my partners keep showing me that relationships are like rivers...always twisting and turning in different directions, sometimes moving swiftly, sometimes slowly. And that I should just STFU and float down river.

But if they are the ones defining the riverbanks, where the river is headed and how fast, then aren't they simply making sure things don't "go off the rails" from their perspective?

I don't trust people when they say "just go with the flow and let things happen". When I hear that, I hear, "just STFU and do what I want"

#off the rails

Future Fading

I stumbled across the most wonderful phrase: Future Fading. I make a lot of videos on Narcissistic Abuse, and this was in a video I came across discussing indicators of cheating (or about to cheat). First some background.

Future Faking. This is a term used to describe the manipulation tactic narcissists will use early on in a relationship once things become a little bumpy. The tactic involves redirecting the victims attention away from the present and towards the future by saying things like, "Won't it be nice when we live together?", "What neighborhood do you think we'll live in?", "It will be so wonderful to travel the world with you after we're married!" etc. The narcissist floods the victim with false promises--usually the exact future the victim has mentioned they'd love to have. It's a dream come true! (Only it will never come true.)

Future Fading explained. This is a term to describe statements made before cheating (or after cheating on your partner has begun). In a healthy committed relationship, both partners will use phrasing like "We will have so much fun on vacation this summer!" or "Where do you want us to visit after graduation?" or "We should go camping soon!" or "We need to discuss where we want to move next year!" Notice the plural: we, we, us, us. This is natural as a healthy partner is picturing the future with their partner.

Future Fading example. What can happen is that a person who is happy in the relationship will continue using "We" and "Us". But as a person drifts away, their subconscious mind has already begun checking out. So when they picture their future, it doesn't include their current partner, it only includes themselves. So "Future Fading" would be when a partner says "I am looking forward to traveling this summer" or "I really need to look at apartments to move to" or "I need to decide what city to transfer to" or "I need to make a trip to the museum; I want to see that new exhibit". I, I, I, I.

The lesson: When a person who normally uses "we" statements about the future starts saying only "I" statements then they have subconsciously already left the relationship. If they haven't begun cheating on you they likely will soon.

#future fading

Cat

A nude photo of me and my terribly rude cat that woke me up this morning

#nsfw #cat

The day before

Just after midnight on 12/31/2022 I was assaulted by my girlfriend while I was driving in heavy traffic during a snowstorm. I had just told her I was leaving the relationship. Her reaction was to sucker-punch me in the face while I was I was steering the car down the road, shattering my glasses, sending my lenses flying. I tried to drive, the road blurry, blood streaming down my stinging face, dripping upon my shirt.

That and the aftermath is a long, twisted story. I've told it so many times I bore myself event thinking about it.

The day before though is a story I've shared a few times with people and their response has been...unsettling.

12/30/2022 - I'm still in a relationship with J. I'm at her townhome at night. We just finished eating pizza and watching a Neil Gaiman tv series that aired on BBC. The night is winding down and I'm thinking I should get my coat and head home. I stand up from the couch, return my empty plate to the kitchen. J grabs her iPad and asks me to sit down on the couch next to her. I'm not in a rush so I walk back to the couch and sit down.

"I want to look at engagement rings with you," she says as she turns on the iPad and brings up the website for the boutique jeweler that she adores. She sits closer to me so our bodies are touching, practically leaning upon each other. "What do you think of these?" she asks as she pulls up a photo of two white-gold rings with purple Amethysts centered in them, skeletons embraced on either side. "Oh, I like this one!" she says, pointing to a photo of a translucent coffin made of yellow Citrine, the loving skeletons intertwined within the coffin.

I know what she's doing. I've been with her for 4 years and I've learned her games, her tricks. Love-bombing, intermittent reinforcement, and what she's doing right now: future-faking. Our relationship is near death, on life-support. She is a ghost, a specter, a fluttering image of the woman that used to love me. There's no substance to her. Her words are hollow, without weight. She can sense that I've figured her out and her game. She can sense that I have one foot out the door. She no longer loves me but goddamn does she love feeling she owns me. She will do anything to keep me. Everything but love me. So she does the next best thing: pretend we have a future together. Pretend that she'll love me again...in the future.

She doesn't want me thinking about how terrible things are now. She knows she can no longer control me. She needs me to change my focus from the present to the future. A make-believe future that she paints in the air with words and photos of engagement rings she has no intention of ever wearing.

She moves her finger across the iPad and another beautiful photo comes up. When she asks me which one I like, I deflect, "I don't know. Which one do you like?" Narcissists love to hear themselves talk. She excitedly lists out what she likes about each one and says she'll have to think about them tonight and decide which she likes best.

---

The day before she assaulted me she invited me to sit down with her and look at engagement rings. It was a blatant attempt at manipulation. Nothing more. If you don't understand this, consider yourself lucky. I envy you. I wish I didn't understand things so clearly.

A nude photo taken on a cold May morning

I sleep with the windows open. It must have gotten really cold last night because the house was quite chilly this morning.

#nsfw

May

A lazy morning nude photo taken this May

#nsfw

Rated G

I'm not on Fetlife too often these days as my life has gone in a different direction. I only have one photo up on FL, a picture of my red shibari rope. Because all my nude photos were stolen ("scraped") and published on porn sites, FL flags them as being owned by someone else. I've tried re-uploading my few favorites but to no avail. I just find it humorous that on a kink & sex focused website my only photo is rated G.

#fetlife #irony

Confusion

Even at my age I am surprised that I still so many women completely clueless as to what men want. Though, this is 2026 and if I were to ask most women what men want they'd reply, "I don't give a fuck".

But even among those few women still in the dating pool, there seems to be a willful ignorance or extreme confusion as to what men want. One of the most bizarre examples that I've seen in dating profiles and heard from women is their belief that men "want a challenge" and men "like to play games" and enough drama to keep a man interested. I think I can say with confidence this is literally the last thing a man wants.

One of my favorite memes is one where God tells this confused woman, "Be his peace not his pain". But I fear it's one of those memes where every guy will see this and think, "Yes!" and most women will see it and say, "Nope" or simply ignore the message altogether.

I do want to focus on this for a moment though. The words chosen were done very carefully. Be his PEACE. Be his safe place, his quiet place, his place of comfort and stability. There is a reason why the stereotype of the "hag" or "harpy" exists. It is the antithesis of the good woman. The "harpy" nags him, she disrupts his peace and quiet, she is judgmental, she is bossy, she is confrontational, she tears him down instead of building him up, she destroys his confidence, she points out his shortcomings, she does all she can to withhold him from achieving his dreams and goals, she ridicules him, she berates him, she wears him down.

It's a very specific type of person, the Harpy. Now please imagine the "good woman" that's the complete opposite: she compliments him, she builds him up, she gives him peace, gives him quiet, gives him stability, she gives him support, she cheers him on, she points out his good traits, she encourages good/healthy behavior, she helps him find his confidence, she celebrates his achievements, she wants to see her man succeed, she wants to see her man happy and fulfilled.

I can't speak for everyone, I've only lived my own life. I've never met a "good woman". Maybe they exist, maybe they don't. I have no idea. I've had my experiences with harpies, and thankfully have enough self-respect to quickly leave them. And I've had experiences with women that would occasionally cheer me on, that would support me--if there was some end benefit to them. My point in sharing this fact is that while I don't know if a "good woman" exists, I can say that the vast majority of men would move heaven and earth for one if she was with him.

Which, circling back to my original point, is why I went down this path. I feel that women are not doing themselves any favors by remaining oblivious to what men want. They may not be a "good woman" themselves, but they should at least understand that men find a supportive woman to be extremely attractive (and they know how rare they are). A simple compliment here and there. An occasional offer to help. Being supportive instead of silent. It doesn't require any sacrifice and only a minimal amount of effort. A woman who did even those small things would stick out, head and shoulders, above the competition.

I have no illusions though. This is 2026. Relationships have been reduced to nothing more than two individuals that may occasionally have overlapping areas that benefit both. But the idea of actually putting effort in for another person is not only absurd, it's literally labeled "co-dependent" and "toxic".

Motherhood

I really hate social media. I often think about leaving it altogether, and have a few times. While I think it can be beneficial to be exposed to different perspectives, I don't think it's beneficial to be bombarded with negativity, PsyOps, and psychological abuse.

I am a man. Just that fact is enough to make some women hate me. Women I've never met. Women who don't know me. Women who don't know my circumstances or my life experiences. Just the fact I'm a man somehow makes me evil or malicious or something...

Conversely, I'll see these same women praise motherhood. "Nothing in the universe is as nurturing as a mother" I once read. Immediately I thought of my own mother, who abused me to such an horrifying extent it's not appropriate for me to even describe here. The same mother who left the family and divorced my father. We didn't even know where she was for the subsequent 3 years and she only had brief contact with a sister in another state.

Or my own (ex) wife, who would book hotels for the weekend and schedule back-to-back Tinder dates while I stayed home with our kids. The same woman who kicked her own son out of the house at 1 am when he was a minor (which was illegal for multiple reasons). (My son called me crying in the middle of the night to pick him up across town.) The woman who kicked both her kids out of the house once the child support ended, and moved into a one-bedroom apartment so that they couldn't stay with her even if they needed to.

I won't go through the list of sacrifices I've made for my kids, but there have been periods where I worked 3 and 4 full-time jobs to support them and give them the life and stability I felt they deserve.

So when I read about how virtuous and nurturing mothers are and how selfish and manipulative fathers are...it can feel like I'm being stabbed in the stomach with a rusty fork.

#motherhood

Excess

I had a good first date with a skinny woman who was brash, tattooed, from the east coast. You know the type. Not necessarily my usual but I've dealt with enough of these people to know how to handle them. We enjoyed some good food, some good conversation, and made out a bit. A good first date.

On the second date things progressed farther and there was some serious physical fun. It was at this point I discovered, and she explained, that she had previously weighed over 300 lbs! She had lap-band surgery and was down to 130 lbs. That's great! But here's the part I didn't realize until that moment: the excess skin from obesity remains! While her bones and muscles were what you'd expect of a 130 pound woman, she had huge sheets of flesh hanging from her. Under her arms, the sides of her body, over and under her stomach. It was like an oversized blanket of flesh hung over her body.

This was not something I could ignore or overcome. I slowly disengaged, made my excuses, said goodbye and left. To this day when I go on a date I always look at women's arms to see if they're wearing long sleeve shirts or not...

#excess

Butterflies

There have been periods of my life that I dated a lot. Needless to say, it's a numbers game and the majority were awful dates with awful women.

I had been chatting with a woman for a few days, and we were getting along well. She asked if I could give her a call and talk in person. I agreed and called her. She was extremely boring and asked no questions. 10 minutes felt like 10 hours and I excused myself and ended the conversation. I didn't think much about it as I'd only been chatting with her for 2 days, and had a 10 minute conversation.

She texted me immediately after the phone call to tell me that she didn't want to continue things because she didn't feel butterflies in her stomach when we spoke on the phone.

As a mature adult, I don't think "butterflies" is a practical indicator of healthy relationships. (Maybe adolescent infatuation)

How would one even feel butterflies during a 10 minute phone call?

#butterflies

8am

A nude photo I took this morning while there was more light

#nsfw

AI (part 2)

When I was actively dating half of Colorado in 2018, many of them used Snapchat. I thought it was stupid, but they preferred it for many reasons including the feeling of safety and privacy it gave them that sharing their phone number wouldn't give them. To each their own.

At the time, there were a lot of easily identified AI chat bots that were used by OF girls. (I'm not sure if they paid for these AI chat bots to advertise for them or if their content was stolen (been there) and the thieves then used AI chat bots to advertise.) I have never had any interest in OF on principal. Even if many of my female friends enjoyed making beer money from the occasional photo shoot.

Back to my point. So these AI chatbots would message me on Snapchat. They'd flirt with me, ask innocuous questions, etc. The level of sophistication was really surprising--especially given that it was 2018. I knew these were AI chat bots, so I started experimenting with them. I would say "Sorry baby I can't talk right now. How about you message me tomorrow at 6:30am and wish me a good morning?" It worked! It always worked! So, before my alarm would go off at 6:50am, my phone would be beeping with messages from the 2-3 AI chat bots that were still operating. They'd message me "Good morning handsome! How are you doing?" I'd tell them I was doing well, but I had a busy morning and it would be great if they could message me in the afternoon to see how my day was going. And they would! "Hey darling, hope your day is going well. How's work?"

It was wonderful. None of it was real. But it was wonderful. It would last for a week or two before the AI chat bot would stop messaging me because I never responded to their questions asking me if I wanted to see their OF. Until then though it was really nice. It was wonderful to start the day with "Good morning!" from Rachel293 and "Good morning handsome" from Anna988. Better than the loud buzz from my alarm at 6:50am.

It's why I think the future will look the way I wrote in my last post. People are starved for affection, acknowledgement, encouragement. If other humans won't fulfill that basic need for baseline affirmation, then people will get it from AI bots.

#ai #snapchat

With the plummeting birth rate, marriage rate, and even sex rate among people, it cannot be a surprise that the market for AI companions (virtual girlfriend or virtual boyfriend) continues to increase. Initially we would point and stare at these "oddballs" and judge them harshly. Putting my finger to the wind I'm guessing this is only the beginning and I wouldn't be surprised if it becomes the norm in 10-20 years.

AI has been in the news recently for deliberately designed with sycophancy - excessive praise, always agreeing with the user, compliments, etc. And at the exact same time people are finding themselves lonelier and lonelier each year. I would argue, with good reason.

I may have said things in past posts such as "people are shit" or "people are garbage". While I've never been overly impressed with the average person in our society, I think things have grown decidedly worse. Looking at data of the impact of social isolation with COVID-19 I think main cause is easily identified. The problem is that things never returned to normal. As time goes on, people become more selfish, more self-center, ruder, less considerate and less empathetic. Living in the "me me me" culture of late stage capitalism combined with "now now now" instant gratification and 24/7 advertisement/media bombardment...it's easy to see why. We've created this hell. It was never forced upon us, we happily dove in head-first.

The irony to me is that as people grow increasingly self-centered and incapable of genuine affection of other people, their natural human need for contact, validation, acknowledgement, empathy, bids for attention, affection, even sex...none of this has decreased.

And that is why I think usage of AI companions is most certainly to grow in the future, possibly even becoming the norm. Because the basic human needs don't change even if human themselves grow into shitty narcissists with garbage where their heart used to be.

Taking a step back, what's fascinating to me is that what human beings thrive on: acknowledgment, validation, praise, compliments, nurturing, encouragement, empathy, care, support... It's all there for us to see in how the AI companions act. Humans could do this for each other. What if human beings stopped being garbage and started going out of their way to encourage and support each other?

#ai

Midlife Crisis

First off, "midlife crisis" is very real. If you don't believe in them feel free to skip this post. I know they're real because I've seen the damage they can do to families. Twice.

I think I've posted about my ex-wife's midlife crisis in a much earlier post, so I'll try to avoid repeating myself. What I'd like to write about here is the overarching reasons for what causes some people to succumb to them.

Society has rules and guidelines. They may not be written down or carved into marble to be displayed. But we all know the rules. Some of these rules set expectations for the roles spouses and parents play in a marriage and raising children. Society tends to punish those who do not conform to these rules, and commend (to some degree) those who do.

Now imagine you're 20 years old. You've met someone you really like and fallen in love. They're compatible and for one reason the two of you discuss the subject of marriage; either casually or through a formal proposal. The two of you agree, you're engaged, and later on you get married! As time goes on you and your spouse discuss the subject of children, either before or after a pregnancy. The two of you agree to move forward and the two of you have a baby! You're now a spouse and a parent! Congratulations!

Time goes on. You turn 30. Your spouse is familiar. Your children call you mama or papa. You perform the role and and do your best to be a good spouse and a good parent.

Time goes on. You turn 40. Your spouse's bad habits annoy you. Your children rely on you for everything. You continue to perform your role as best as you can. But resentment is starting to grow.

SOMETHING BREAKS INSIDE YOU

You can't take it any longer! You've been a spouse and a parent for nearly 20 years! You've sacrificed 20 years of your life that you will never get back. You have lost that time, those decades, forever. You performed the roles: spouse, parent...and along the way you buried your real self. You expect to be rewarded, to be thanked, for this sacrifice; for performing this role for 20 years! But instead you get nothing.

You're never called your name. You're called Darling, Honey, mama, papa. Your ears never hear your own name.

You are seething with resentment. They have stolen 20 years of your life! In return you have not been rewarded or thanked, if anything the expectations continue. You feel your identity has been buried so deep you need a shovel to excavate it.

ENOUGH

You leave your family. Fuck them. You leave your spouse. Fuck them. You leave your kids. Fuck them. All a bunch of ungrateful bastards that have done nothing but stolen time from you. They've even stolen your identity from you! But enough is enough. You take your identity back. You are no longer the spouse. You are no longer the parent. From now you will be called by your first name!

All this lost time! You have to make up for all this lost time! Okay, you got married when you were 20 years old... What did you miss out on at 20 years old that you should have experienced. PARTYING! You deserve to have fun! Take drugs! Have sex! Lots of drugs! Lots of sex! Party, party, party! You have 20 years of partying to make up for losing!

From the outside, people see a pathetic 40 year old acting like they're 21. They've shirked their responsibilities. They are driven solely by hedonistic selfishness.

Inside...that 40 year old...thinks they're 21--the 21 year old they should have chosen to be.

At it's core, the person succumbing to a midlife crisis feels they've been cheated out of decades of their life. Once they're at that point, long-term thinking goes out the window, as does consideration for others. They are now 100% focused on themselves and their pleasure, because they feel they've been focused on others for the past 20 years, and that their own pleasure had been ignored during that time.

One important note I need to add, is that this is the perception of the person in a midlife crisis. They could very well have had a dutiful spouse, a fulfilling sex life, and grateful children. But it is not enough to quiet the voice in their head.

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