Summary: Dan's friends bet him that he won’t give Phil a lap dance at the party while everyone watches.
Genre: Smut
Word Count: 3k (holy shit I’m sorry)
Warnings: Language, alcohol
Based on this prompt I saw on phanfic.
A/N: Hope I did your prompt justice, I had a blast writing it.
First it was the fancy IPA his friend from university had brought over. Then, it was a red bull and vodka, followed by a second red bull and vodka. At some point mystery shots were taken from little neon glasses, and Dan had lost count. He leaned against the wall with a bottle of Malibu rum in his hand. Dan was enjoying himself. It was some much needed relaxation time after their American tour. He smiled at Phil from across the room and raised his bottle in acknowledgement of his friend.
While Dan may have been having the time of his life, Phil wasn’t quite so lucky. He was currently being chatted up by a young girl who had absolutely no idea that he didn’t quite fancy women in the way she was hinting at. He mouthed the words, “Help me” at Dan from across the room. Dan laughed to himself before complying to Phil’s request. Dan made his way across the room in a stagger and wrapped an arm around his struggling friend.
“Could you excuse us for just a minute?” Dan said in a surprisingly coherent manner.
Phil sighed in relief and grabbed Dan’s bottle, taking a large gulp of the sunscreen-flavored liquor. “God, I thought she was never going to go away.”
“Should’ve told her to fuck off” Dan laughed. He was always quite crude after he had been drinking.
“Well I don’t want to be mean!” Phil exclaimed. He took another drink. He wasn’t drunk enough for this shit. If he had known what the night had in store for him, however, he might have wanted to have confiscated the bottle for his own intoxication.
“Hey boys!” Davie shouted as he walked up from behind and squeezed between the two, so that he had his arms around each of their shoulders. “What’s happenin’?”
Davie was obnoxious, to say the least. He was also very flamboyantly gay and the life of every party. He made no secret about the fact that he wanted Dan and Phil to get together. Davie was a very successful Los Angeles publicist. He and Dan had met at Vidcon in 2013 when Davie was there with a beauty guru friend of his.
“Hey, Davie!” Dan greeted. “Glad you could make it.”
“Bitch, did you think I would miss it?” Davie roared. A little bit of the fruity smelling drink in his left hand spilled onto Phil’s shoulder, but Phil ignored it. Phil wasn’t comfortable around Davie and shuddered every time Dan mentioned hanging out with him. “Pssh, let’s cut to the chase, you two fuck yet?”
“Davie!” Dan shouted. “That’s not going to happen, how many times do I have to tell you?”
“However many it takes for you to make yourself believe it, honey!” Davie replied, followed by a loud roar of laughter. Dan laughed along, but Phil did not. Phil was not amused by Davie’s outlandish behavior.
Dan chose not to reply to the remark, instead Dan reclaimed his rum and tossed the bottle back. There was a palpable awkwardness in the air that could have been felt by anyone within earshot of the conversation, except Davie. He couldn’t take a hint, and never knew when to quit. This is the thing that Phil absolutely couldn’t stand about the twenty-something year old man.
Davie turned to Phil and spoke to him with a shit-faced grin, “Come on, Phil. Lighten up.”
Phil shrugged off the remark. He had no responsibility to reply to the drunken man. This was Dan’s friend, not his.
Davie sighed at the lack of response. “Let me make you a drink. I bartended in New York in college, you know.”
“Oh, I didn’t know, actually.” Phil made conversation to be polite. He was playing nice again. He wondered to himself why he always did this.
“I learned some tricks, let me tell you. Those rich bitches had some good ass taste. Wait here, Philly, you’re gonna love it!”
Phil cringed at the nickname but obeyed Davie’s request. He stood patiently waiting. Dan was too busy caught up in an encounter with his old classmate Jack. Phil overheard bits and pieces of the conversation. He didn’t need that many details about Jack’s personal life. He tried to tune it out, but the tipsy man spoke incredibly loudly. It was as if he wanted the entire room to know the details of his sexual encounters. Phil wondered how Dan managed to feign interest for so long.
Soon enough Davie returned with a bright pink drink in his hand. He gave the drink to Phil, and was thanked before Phil took a sip. “Well, what do you think?” Davie questioned, eager for a response.
Phil took another sip before responding, “It’s good. What is it, lemonade?”
“Yeah, it’s cherry.” Davie smirked before turning and inviting himself in Dan’s conversation.
And just like that Phil was free of the annoying company. He found a nice cozy chair on the other side of the room and made himself comfortable. Phil sat alone, scrolling Twitter to keep himself entertained. Meanwhile, Dan found himself in the center of a rowdy group of old university friends, with the addition of Davie.
The group was discussing Jack’s bachelor party that neither Dan or Phil were able to attend, due to being on tour. They shared the juicy details, filling Dan in on the debauchery he had missed out on. Davie just wasn’t content to leave it at that.
“I know somebody who sure could’ve used that night out.” Davie laughed. The others in the group looked inquisitively at him, but Dan already knew where this was going.
“Davie” Dan reprimanded. His tone clearly depicted that he wasn’t about to put up with any shit talking about Phil. Despite the copious amounts of alcohol contaminating his blood stream, he wasn’t going to listen to any negative comments about his best friend.
“I’m just saying he looks like he could really use a lap dance right now.” Davie defended with a giggle.
Dan opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by his friend. Jack nudged Dan and laughed, “Hey, wanna help him out with that?”
“Shut up!” Dan said with a chuckle. His face reddened at the thought. The group roared with laughter, except for Davie, who looked like he had been slapped in the face with a strike of evil genius.
“Too bad Dan’s too scared to do anything like that.” Davie commented. He knew just how to get under anyone’s skin, the sneaky bastard.
“It’s not that I’m scared,” Dan slurred in attempt to defend himself.
“Oh, really? ‘Cause I bet you 100 dollars, or pounds, whatever the fuck you call ‘em here, that you won’t do it.” Davie dared.
“Ohhhhhhhhh, damn” Jack cheered, the other friends in the circle laughed and joined in with various ‘Oh’s’ and ‘Oh shit’s’. They were all egging Dan on. He could tell that nobody believed he actually had the balls to do it.
“I can’t do that, he’s my friend.” Dan protested, despite the fact that the liquor was getting the best of him and there was a voice in his head telling him this might not be such a bad idea.
“200 pounds. Or are you too much of a pussy?” Davie barked.
Phil stared from across the room. He noticed the increasingly red color of Dan’s face. The group dispersed, with Davie making his way to the center of the room. “Alright everybody clear a circle!” He demanded, waving his arms so the crowd could make room for the spectacle he had devised. Jack dragged up a folding metal chair from the corner of the room and placed it in the center of the clearing. Phil watched as Dan approached the circle slowly, and ungracefully. One glance and Phil could tell that Dan probably had more than a few too many drinks.
“Come on guest of honor, take a seat.” Davie announced and shot a glare straight at Phil. Phil had no idea what to expect. If he had sober judgement, he would have refused the request, but he sat down, unaware of what would happen next.
“Music!” Davie called to Jack, who was now standing at the DJ booth. Suddenly the happy party music cut, and a darker tune started playing a familiar song, The Dope Show by. Marilyn Manson.
Dan laughed in embarrassment, and covered his face. He was blushing like a mad man. His song was playing, it was time to do this. With a gentle shove on the back from his friend, he awkwardly stumbled up to Phil, who hadn’t quite grasped what was happening yet. Without explanation Dan began his ungraceful movements. He went in for the kill, immediately grinding his ass on Phil’s lap in time with the music.
Phil could smell the liquor on Dan’s breath. He wasn’t sure why this was happening. He wanted to protest. He could hear the roar of the crowd, and could see the amused looks on their faces, but then he couldn’t. Suddenly it felt like he and Dan were the only ones in the room. It was either that, or maybe he just didn’t care anymore, because the feeling of Dan’s ass grinding on him, was just too damn good. Either way, he surrendered himself. He had just the right amount of liquor in his system to be able to let go and just enjoy the way Dan moved his body.
‘There's a lot of pretty, pretty ones
That want to get you high’
Dan turned so now they were face to face, he could now see the lust pooling in his friend’s eyes. This was supposed to be a joke, but Dan didn’t feel like laughing. He continued the show, after all, he did have an audience. He straddled Phil’s lap and began to grind their crotches together. He was shocked to find that Phil was actually hard from this, and even more shocked to find that he himself was too. Phil gasped at the contact, his mind was swirling at deafening speeds. Nothing really mattered anymore. They were both oblivious to the cameras flashing and the alarming number of Snapchat’s they were now unwittingly the stars of. Hell, you could have told Dan, and he wouldn’t have cared anymore. He rocked his hips against Phil’s erection and let the music and the lust take control.
Dan was getting tired from the exertion. Sadly, this was the most physical activity he had participated in for quite some time. He laid his head on Phil’s shoulder, as he continued to grind against him. Phil could feel the warmth of his friend’s breath on his neck, and the pounding of Dan’s heart against his chest. It was all so overwhelming.
‘I hate today
Who will I wake up with tomorrow?’
Dan lifted his head off Phil’s shoulder and raised up. He continued grinding against Phil, and decided he wanted to turn things up a notch. When sober Dan caught glimpse of this in the morning he would be mortified. Phil’s hands had wandered their way up Dan’s shirt. Phil ran his hands up and down the slope of Dan’s hips, beneath the sweaty cotton fabric. Dan tore off the black t-shirt, discarding it aside like no one was watching. Someone was watching, however. In fact, there was a packed room and their eyes were glued to the two friends in the center of the dance floor.
Davie clapped and cheered from the corner. He couldn’t believe his eyes, no one could, especially Phil.
Phil scanned his eyes up and down Dan’s shirtless torso. His body was one hundred percent sweaty, tanned perfection. Sober Dan would probably be glad he spent all that time sunbathing while in California. Drunk Dan couldn’t care less, because all Drunk Dan wanted was to turn Phil on. It was painfully obvious that he was succeeding. Phil’s fringe was now glued to his forehead with sweat. His pupils were wide and his face was flushed. Awareness flashed through Dan’s mind for a moment, what would his friends think? It was too late now, he was in too deep. He was struggling to breathe, drowning in the realization that he wanted Phil. He wanted him more than anything he had ever wanted before. Dan crawled off of Phil’s lap and went back to rubbing his ass against Phil’s crotch. The sight in front of him was almost too much for Phil to take. He had to admit that there had been at least a couple of times in their many years of friendship that he had taken the opportunity to check out Dan’s ass. But there was nothing that could prepare Phil for the way Dan looked in those tight skinny jeans, up close and personal all for Phil’s viewing pleasure.
The song winded to an end. The room was in silence. Three minutes just wasn’t enough for Dan to do everything he wanted to do. He pulled off his friend’s lap and looked down at him to assess the damage he had done. Phil was a wreck. Dan was smug, he never knew he had the power to make Phil feel this way. Of course, he also didn’t know the power his desire for Phil had over him. The room erupted with applause and Davie approached with an amused grin.
“Wow, does somebody have a secret exotic dancing career or what?” Davie shouted to the crowd, as if he was the host of some sick little show. Everyone cheered. Friends, acquaintances, and fellow YouTubers had all witnessed something they would never forget, but this was all still just a joke to them. “Jack bring the music back.”
The regular music returned. Dan was flustered, and struggling to regain his breath. “Damn, boy. I’m next!” Davie laughed. He pulled out his wallet, and presented Dan with the 200 pounds he had earned.
“Keep your money” Dan said, he was surprisingly sobered by the event. He wasn’t about to stick around for any questions. Phil retrieved Dan’s shirt from the floor as he followed his friend out of the door.
The cold night air stung Dan’s sweaty back. The nearest exit led to a deserted alley behind the building. He had no time to complain about the cold night air because before he could even think to muster a syllable, he was being pushed backward, his back scraped across the rough brick building. Phil’s lips found Dan’s in a hurry. It was their first kiss but it was hungry, needy, and everything Dan was hoping it would be. Dan eagerly kissed him back.
Dan felt Phil’s tongue swipe across his bottom lip, and then his own tongue. Each new thing they did was like crossing something off a Christmas list Dan didn’t even know he had. Dan’s hand tangled in Phil’s hair, tugging gently. This was overwhelming, and all too much, but already he needed more.
Before Dan could get his next wish, Phil pulls away. His voice is rough, and low when he speaks. “Hold on, I’m getting us an Uber.”
Dan can’t be patient as he waits for Phil to finish toying with the app on his phone. Dan’s lips are on Phil’s neck, making it hard for the older man to concentrate, but Dan is a welcome distraction. “F-fifteen minutes” Phil stutters out, before returning the phone to his pocket.
“I can’t wait” Dan breathes out, his voice is urgent and needy.
“You don’t have to” Phil whispers, his voice seductive and husky. It was a tone in which Dan had never heard him speak before.
Dan didn’t have time to reminisce on the different tones of Phil’s voice because he lost his breath when Phil’s hand slid into his jeans, and under his boxers. Dan gasped at the sudden contact. He tossed his head back, it hit the brick wall with a thud. Phil ran his hand up and down Dan’s member the best he could, given the tight jeans Dan had chosen to wear that day. Dan whined when Phil retracted his hand. Phil undid the button on Dan’s jeans, and loosened the zipper, before returning his touch exactly where Dan wanted it. He was able to get a better grip now, and slowly stroked his friend’s dick, only making him want more.
Phil returned his lips to Dan’s, greeting him with passionate open mouth kisses. He pulled away, because now it was his turn to be the one driving Dan wild. Phil lowered to his knees and placed a series of chaste kisses to Dan’s inner thighs. In one tug Phil pulled Dan’s jeans and boxers to his knees. He took an admiring glance at Dan’s cock before planting another series of kisses to Dan’s inner thighs. “Fuck, Phil” He groaned. Phil smirked, knowing he was doing a good job of returning the torture. Not wanting to punish Dan any longer, he took Dan’s erection in his mouth. He didn’t need much time to warm up before taking Dan’s entire length in his mouth. It became obviously clear to Dan at that moment that this wasn’t the first blowjob Phil had given. He knew exactly what he was doing. He knew when to hollow his cheeks, and how to use his tongue perfectly.
Phil pulled off when he felt his phone vibrating. He reached into his pocket and retrieved his phone. He looked up at Dan, ready to deliver the bad news. “Our ride is here.”
Summary: It’s Phil’s thirtieth birthday and Dan throws him a surprise party. One particular party guest has a plan to turn the duo into something slightly more than platonic.
Word Count: 1341
Genre: Fluff
Warnings: N/A
It was a sunny afternoon, a true rarity that Dan Howell did not often experience. With a venti iced coffee in one hand, and a brand new shopping bag full of goodies on the other, Dan truly felt like he might conquer the world. It had been ages since he had been up this early of his own free will. Well, it wasn’t exactly his number one choice of times to be awake, but with the day’s massive to-do list ahead, he figured he couldn’t quite complain about eight am.
After months of planning, the day had finally arrived. Phil’s thirtieth birthday party would be taking place at seven p.m., completely unbeknownst to the guest of honor. Dan was aware that Phil wasn’t a big fan of surprise parties, but that wasn’t going to stop him from throwing Phil one of the best surprise birthday parties that London had ever hosted.
After a morning of running around town for supplies, Dan spent his afternoon decorating the large, historical venue. The building used to be home to a very famous member of Parliament, and was very, very fancy. Louise and her friend Megan arrived three hours early to help Dan decorate. They walked in to find him cursing at a mess of bright blue streamers, which were tangled around Dan’s expensive leather shoes.
Dan held the ladder as Louise strung one the fluorescent streamers over the door’s archway. As she stepped down off of the ladder she whispered to Dan, careful that her friend could not over hear, “I’m going to do it tonight.”
“No, Louise, please don’t.” Dan pleaded. “Tonight is just not the night!”
“I’m know when I’m right, and trust me, Dan, I am right. He likes you Dan, and a kiss will seal the deal.” Louise boasted. She secured the streamer with a second piece of tape and descended the ladder.
Soon all the streamers were hung, and the lime green balloons were inflated with helium. Dan watched as the green orbs slowly rose to the top of the vaulted ceilings, one-by-one as Louise filled them. He took a step back to observe the scene, it was perfect. The caterers had arrived and had already started food prep. The cake was delivered right on time, and everything seemed to fall into place just like Dan had planned. Soon guests started pouring into the venue, each placing a gift for Phil on the large table next to the cake.
All that was left was the guest of honor. He was to be escorted in by his brother at seven-thirty. It was seven twenty-nine, and Dan was nervous. The door swung open, and the room went silent. Everyone watched as Phil slowly crept into the room, his eyes covered with both hands. Martyn stood behind him, a hand on his brother’s shoulder to guide him into the room.
“Alright, you can look now.” Martyn instructed, an eager grin on his face.
Phil uncovered his eyes, “Surprise!” The room unanimously shouted.
Phil’s face was that of total shock. Dan appeared from behind a marble pillar and pulled his friend into a hug. “Happy Birthday” Dan said, as he pulled away from Phil’s embrace.
“Dan, you did all of this?” Phil questioned, he looked as if he might even tear up.
“Well, I had a little help.” Dan said, gesturing to Martyn and Louise who now stood over by the cake, discussing the event.
By eleven o’clock, the party had winded down to a small group of friends. It was a much more intimate gathering, and Phil preferred it over the large, roaring crowd of one hundred of his closest acquaintances. After several drinks Dan was tipsy, and the stresses of hosting the massive party had long ago disappeared.
“I’ve got a great idea everyone!” Louise announced with a mischievous glint in her eyes. “Let’s all play truth or dare!”
Dan shot his eyes directed at her, she should be glad that looks can’t actually kill, or she’d be a goner. Much to Dan’s dismay, no one protested this idea, and Phil actually seemed quite enthusiastic about it. Dan, however, felt exactly like he might throw up the piece of expensive chocolate cake he had downed earlier.
A few rounds of the game passed and were uneventful, just when Dan began to relax it was Louise’s turn once again.
“Alright” She started, a suspicious tone in her voice. She was up to something, and Dan knew exactly what it was. “Dan—truth or dare?”
The reality of the question rang through Dan’s ears; it was almost deafening. On one hand, he knew exactly what his dare would be. Louise had been plotting for months, threatening to enact her little plan into action. Now the time had finally come, and Dan had no choice. She had already warned him of the consequences of picking truth. Louise promised that if Dan decided he didn’t want to pick dare that she would ask an enormously humiliating question. She knew him well, just well enough to ask him something to leave him mortified for the next decade. On the other hand, he knew exactly what would happen if he picked dare, it was no mystery to him.
Dan didn’t know if he was ready, or if he would ever be ready, but the opportunity was right in front of him, as it had been many, many times. This time he was going to take it. “Dare” Dan spoke through a shaky voice. “Dare” He repeated again, if only to reassure himself that it was actually happening. He was visibly shaking with nervousness, he prayed that no one would notice.
“Alright, Dan. I dare you…” Louise paused, her eyes lit up with pure evil. “To take your shirt off and do a lap around the outside of the building”
Dan sighed, and he wasn’t exactly sure if it was in relief or disappointment.
Once they had arrived back home, Phil could tell something was wrong. Dan sat on the edge of Phil’s bed, discussing the day’s events as Phil prepared himself to go to bed. Dan shivered violently, still trying to recover from the consequences of Louise’s dare. Phil wrapped a blanket around his friend’s shoulders, and took a seat next to him on the bed.
Phil looked at Dan with concern in his eyes, “Dan can I ask you something?”
“Sure” Dan nodded.
“What’s going on with you? Something seemed off between you and Louise. Are you two fighting?”
“No, nothing’s going on.”
“Come on, Dan. Something is going on, I can tell.”
“It’s nothing, I just thought she was going to dare me to do something different, I guess.” Dan blurted out. He was no good at holding in his words, especially not after a drink or two.
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, just something stupid.”
“Something stupid?”
“Yeah, just something stupid.”
“Something stupid like kiss me?”
Dan jumped backwards, nearly falling off of the bed. “What? No, No of course not!” Dan lied, his tone was obvious. He followed his fib up with a nervous laugh. “Us? Kiss? No that’s crazy.”
“Dan,” Phil said. It was one simple word, but his tone very clearly conveyed that he knew that Dan was lying through his teeth.
“Well I think I should let you get some sleep now, I’ve kept you up long enough” Dan spat out, nearly stumbling over his words. He wasn’t the best in situations like this.
Dan stood and tried to leave the room when he was held back by a firm grasp on his wrist, “Wait!”
Dan swiftly turned around to further insist his point but he didn’t have the chance. Instead he was greeted with something he had never expected. Phil planted his lips upon Dan’s in a hurry, before he had time to protest.
His brain was unable to function, Dan slowly pulled away from the kiss. He hadn’t even begun to comprehend what had just happened to him when Phil said with a chuckle, “She told me the same thing, Dan.”
You need to do more (not rushing anything) I've read everything you've wrote and it's all soooo good and I need more of the pheels (again no pressure take as much time. This is probably sounding really rood just asking for more, but you're my favorite author frk)
Thanks, I really appreciate that actually :) In fact, I am working on a little something right now.
Hey so I read unknown number (my favorite fa fiction btw it was amazing) and I was wondering if you were ever going to do a 3rd part?
Sorry if I’m answering this like six months late, I haven’t been on in forever lol. I never really thought about doing a 3rd part, but it’s something interesting to consider. Thanks much for reading glad you liked <3
I love your fics, they're so perfect! Every time I need some pheels I can read them and then I'm filled with a happy fluffy feeling ^w^ Yepp just wanted to say that ✨
Summary: The inner monologue of Dan Howell as he comes to terms with the struggles he has survived. It’s probably best that his roommate Phil doesn’t know the whole story. Maybe one secret would be best left unsaid.
Word Count:1857
Genre: Angst
Warnings: Depression, suicidal thoughts, abuse mentions, statutory rape mentions, homophobia, language, homophobic slurs
A/N: Haven’t written in a while, so forgive if this has some errors. Wanted to do something a little darker than usual, please enjoy.
Also, just a little note here. I think it goes without saying but this is entirely a work of fiction. I don’t presume any of this to be true or an accurate representation of Dan’s life.
“Don't be such a pretentious fucker” I repeat to myself in the mirror. It was not a good day, not good at all.
As I stood shirtless in from of my reflection, I couldn't help but remember it all. Everything he said to me, every bruise he left on my body. How he told me I always acted like I was too good for everyone else. I'm not. Never was and never will be.
I'm not ashamed of my body, well I never used to be. The teenage years took a toll on me. I guess they do that to everyone, why should I be an exception. I'm slim but I'll never be slim enough. Witty, but I'll never be smart. He told me that when I turned eighteen. He told me a lot things, most of which I only pretended not to believe.
Now I try to ignore the fact that I am twenty-four years old and still heavily fucked up by my asshole dad. I should have got over by now, really. The fact that I'm not only proves how pathetic I actually am. I have to believe that people are laughing with me, not at me. That's how I make my living, after all. But how long can a man lie to himself, even if it keeps him sane? I've been asking myself that for years, about six to be precise. Hell, it's going on seven. Time flies when you are in denial. I choke back tears. Not again. I can't let this get to me again.
It seems like each time I stop and take time to think, he always surfaces to the shore of my mind. Not him as in my father, though the asshole doesn't even deserve to wear that title. Him as in the guy currently pacing our hallway. I hear his footsteps. He's growing impatient. What he doesn't know is that I don't have the strength to face him. Not now, maybe never. Maybe I'll barricade the door with something and just rot away in here. Yeah, sounds like a nice plan. For now I suppose the lock will do. If it can keep Phil at bay for now, that's all I need.
Fuck this is hard to do. It's not that I'm trying to forget anything. Not my dad, not Phil, not my pathetic existence. In fact, I'm diving in fully. Submerging myself, floating face down, letting reality hit me for once. If you are gonna keep things bottled up, you gotta crack the lid a little bit every now and again so things don't explode at the slightest shake. And this is what I've become, just what my father said I would be. If I had forgotten anything, I remember it now.
He found the pictures under my bed when I was fourteen. Men, naked, most of which in quite compromising positions. Printed straight from my dad's own office printer. Nice one, Dan. For whatever reason, I thought he'd never find them. I was wrong. He misplaced his expensive gold pocket watch, and thinking for some reason that I had taken it, he dismantled my room. He tore the place apart, flipping the mattress over to reveal the one thing he thought he'd never find. I could tell by the look on his face the minute I had got home from school. Oh Shit, he found them. Really it's my fault. Under the mattress, how unoriginal. On the bright side, I didn't have to go to school the next day. I also got out of gym class for six weeks. Funny how a good shove down the stairs will sprain an ankle.
Growing up in a homophobic household fucked me up good. I brought home a slew of girlfriends over the next four years. I always had something to prove to my dad. It never seemed to work. Eventually he stopped insulting my sexuality to my face, but I knew. I always knew that when he thought of me I was still his “faggot son”. At least he called me his son, I suppose. According to him, that's really an honor.
Phil's still the only one who knows about the abuse, if that's what I should even call it. He's the only one who knows I lost my virginity to a forty-year old man in a public toilet. After being fucked to the point of bleeding, it's surprising that I ever wanted to do it again. I was young and resilient. It's surprising what a sixteen year old can withstand. I met him online, too. Where the fuck is the To Catch A Predator guy when you need him? Probably far away from England, because the place is fucking crawling with pervs.
I've got Phil's secrets too, so I guess we're even. Nobody would ever look at him and guess some of the shit he did in college. At least he lost his virginity to a nice group of people.
My mind wanders but I'm still fixated on the broken shell in front of me. What have a become? I've been living in a closet for ten years, and that isn't even the issue. When I first saw Phil online I was instantly smitten. He had gorgeous eyes, and a smile that could melt me into a pile of mush just by clicking the play button. I never thought he would respond to me. Why would he? I was just some random kid, but he did. He suggested Skype and I was shocked. I felt so honored and special that he wanted to talk to me. I would have done anything for him. I wanted him to take advantage of me. In fact, prayed for it. To my surprise, Phil didn't really seem to want anything from me. Just friendship. That was mind boggling to me. For once I actually felt valued as a person. It was..different.
I was ready that first night I came to visit him. I thought he wanted me. I wanted him. I was too shy to say it, I was just waiting. Who was I to tell him how I felt? Phil was big time. Phil had more subscribers than I could even imagine. I was unworthy, and I knew it. We didn't do anything that night. We just talked. The bottle of lube I had snuck away in my bag remained unused. I was caught off guard by it. We just slept side by side. No weirdness, no nothing. He lingered when he hugged me goodbye that day, and I still have a hard time believing that he felt nothing.
My feelings for Phil were like a never ending crush, but someday they just up and left, turning into something much, much more dangerous. We laid side by side on his bed, in our own apartment, just talking about nothing. I looked into his eyes and I knew. I couldn't imagine myself spending my life with anyone else. There was just no point. No one in the world could ever rival Phil's company. He captured my soul and ran with it. Still hasn't given it back. Hell of it is, I don't even think he knows he has it.
There's a pounding on the bathroom door, pulling me from my trance. “Dan is everything okay?”
I don't want to lie, so I don't answer. I don't lie to him. I never have. It's merely by luck that he's never asked me a question I would regret being truthful to. I lied plenty in my life, to everyone. Everyone except Phil, and Phil never lied to me. I'd like to think we should keep it that way. We've got a good system.
“Dan?” He asks again. I'm silent now because it's as if my tongue is frozen. I can't speak. I don't even know why. I just can't anymore. Probably my father, still fucking my life up, even from the grave. He's got a skill for that.
“Dan?!?” Phil's voice is growing more urgent. Oh god, why can't I just say something. Why can't I just let him know I'm alive so he'll leave me alone.
“Dan, please.” He's now pleading. Still nothing. I'm sorry, I can't. I try, it doesn't work.
“Oh god.” Now he's talking not to me, but to himself. Fuck, I've scared him and I don't know how to fix it.
I hear his feet shuffle away and then he does it. I hear the weight of his body slam against the door, but it won't give way. Again, still nothing, and I am frozen in time. I hear him sigh and then he's at it again. This time the door flies open and Phil stumbles in, struggling to catch his breath. His eyes are wide, and he take one glance at me before pulling to me into an embrace.
“Thank god you are okay” He whispers as his arms snake around me. It's nice. I feel guilty for allowing him to be so close to me. He doesn't know how I feel or he might be a little more reluctant to have his body so close to mine.
He hold me for a minute, and I soak it in. He then pulls away, clearly alarmed at my silence. “Are you okay?” He asks, realizing he might have thanked the artificial deity a little too soon.
Fuck the silence, I still couldn't answer. I managed to nod my head, hoping that was good enough. Turns out, it wasn't.
“Dan, please. Speak to me. Tell me what happened.” Phil begged. The desperation in my voice still wasn't enough to coax my tongue to move.
No, I can't. This can't. No. Fuck. I feel it coming up my throat. Rising like the bile in my stomach.
“Dan, please.” Phil pleaded once more. Little did he know that he would regret that.
I couldn't hold it anymore. I exhaled the words like a breath I had been holding for over six years. “I'm in love with you, Phil.”
Phil stumbled away in shock. “What?”
“Fuck, I'm sorry. I always been.” I admitted. It felt like a thousand bricks pouring off of my shoulders.
Phil stood, staring pensively at the bathtub, as if he thought it might sprout legs and flee the apartment, which I was now considering as a valid option for myself. But before I could run it happened. Phil stepped forward, pulling me into arms and engaging my lips in a passionate kiss. I was caught off guard, but bounced back quickly, letting my lips move with the rhythm. I forgot that I wasn't lost in a dream, because this couldn't be real. No, this couldn't be happening. Phil was kissing me, his arms wrapped around my waist, my hands tangled in his hair. No, wake up Dan. You're dreaming again. I felt myself stumbling backwards, then his hands under my ass. Next thing I know I am being lifting, and placed onto the counter. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Nope Dan, you're definitely not dreaming.
Summary: Falling in love with your best friend is a secret usually best left untold. Phil Lester, however, has never been good at keeping secrets.
Read Previous Chapter
Start From The Beginning
Chapter Fifteen: More Than You Will Ever Know
Word Count: 1915
Genre: Angst, Fluff
Warnings: Language, Mentions of Self Harm
A/N: Thank you thank you a million times to everyone who has read this story! I really appreciate all of your kind words and encouragement. And yes, sadly this is going to be our last chapter.
Four Months Later
“Six months!” Dan ranted as he angrily swung open the door to our apartment. “Six fucking months”
After allowing me to step inside, Dan slammed the door behind him. “I mean she tried to fucking kill me for God's sake, and they only give her six months!”
I agreed with Dan that it was unfair. I was just as upset as he was, but I didn't have much to say. “Where is the justice in that?” Dan had asked several times that day. The truth was that justice didn't exist. There wasn't a force of balance or karma over us. This wasn't a cosmic battle, and if it had been, Dan would have been the loser. I was indifferent because even if they had given her a twenty year sentence, it would not have changed the fact that I nearly lost Dan. Some things can't be undone, so I just choose to accept them. Another thing I had to accept was that Dan and I weren't exactly a couple. At some point things had tapered off to an awkwardness that I didn't understand. I was confused and I didn't know what I was allowed to do anymore.
Dan and I never really discussed the status of our relationship. It just was what it was, until it wasn't. We stopped kissing. He stopped coming to my room at night. I felt empty and hollow inside again.
Now Dan was crying, maybe out of hurt or frustration, and I didn't know how to fix it anymore. I pulled him into my arms and he cried on my shoulder for another minute before he was able to silence himself. Dan sniffled and slowly pulled away. He lingered for a moment, his face so close it was nearly touching mine. My eyes locked with his red, puffy, and swollen ones. He just kind of stared at me, in what felt like an eternity of indecision. I wondered if he was going to kiss me, and if he missed me just as much as I missed him. Dan backed away, leaving me with the taunting feeling of nothingness on my lips.
Dan had locked himself in his room three hours ago, but I decided to just leave him be. I laid in my own bed trying to process it all, and could only think about how it would be so much easier if we were just together for all of this. I didn't understand why Dan always had to distance himself. I just wanted to hold him and wipe away his tears. It didn't have to mean anything. It didn't have to be romantic, it could have been entirely platonic, but I knew he wouldn't let me anymore. Things had changed, and I couldn't help but think Melissa was at least a little bit to blame for it.
Once the picture of me kissing a guy had circulated the internet, the rumors about me and Dan began to blow up. Dan wasn't exactly a fan. It was easy for him to tell me not to care about what everyone said about me, but when they started talking about him too, it was a whole different story. Photoshop manipulated versions of the image began to pop up, usually with Dan being edited into the boy's place. Each day our real life kisses grew more sparse, and Dan began to distance himself.
Dan swung my door open without knocking. He looked like a lost puppy standing in my door way. He stared at me, as if awaiting for my approval to enter.
“Come in” I said, granting permission as if he ever needed it.
He slowly walked over to my bed. He was shaking and gripping something in his hand. “I need you to take this” He said with a shaky voice. Dan extended his trembling hand and opened his palm to reveal something square shaped, wrapped in a paper towel. I reached for it, instantly knowing, it was that old razor blade.
“Thank you” Dan whispered as I took the object from him and put it in the drawer of my nightstand. I slowly rolled up the right sleeve of his jumper to find one scabbed over incision. Without thinking, I leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to the wound.
“Thank you for bringing it to me, Dan.” I said.
“Can I stay?” Dan shakily asked.
“Of course. You know you are always welcome with me.” I reassured Dan, and lifted up the blankets, signaling for him to join me.
Dan crawled under the covers, laid next to me, and analyzed the tiles on my ceiling. The silence wasn't uncomfortable, but then he turned to me and spoke, “You know everything every one says about me online is true”
“No it's not Dan. You know people are just stupid.”
“No, really, Phil. Think about it.” Dan said, aimlessly staring at the ceiling. “I'm a fuck up, I'm lazy, I'm a failure and,” Dan paused a moment, I could feel the hesitation in what he was about to say. “I'm gay.”
I rolled over to face Dan. Tears were welling up in his eyes, and I could tell how hard this must have been for him. I grabbed his hand in attempt to comfort him. “I can't run from this anymore. I'm just so tired.” Dan sighed. “Every day, every time I get online, it's just another reminder.”
“It's okay, Dan. You don't have to run” I reassured him, rubbing circles on the top of his hand with my thumb.
“It used to be so much easier to run, but now that everything has changed, I just can't.”
“What has changed?” I asked curiously, though I suspected I already knew the answer.
“I've slept with so many girls, each time I thought it was just another way to prove to myself that I was straight, but it never really felt right. My whole life I felt like I've had something to prove, and I've always forced myself to have sex. There was one time that I didn't feel like that, and that was with you. Everything just fell into place and I didn't have to make myself do it, I actually just wanted to. I had never felt like that before. I guess it just sort of made me realize the difference, you know? Like I was okay accepting myself as bisexual, but it's just not who I am. I don't have any desire to be with a woman ever again, and I don't think I actually ever did. ” Dan explained.
“I know this hurts, Dan, but I am happy for you. You are figuring out who you are, and that's amazing.” I said, hoping to comfort him. I knew how hard this must have been.
“Thank you, Phil, and I'm sorry.” Dan apologized.
“For what?”
“For being so distant. I just needed time to figure myself out. I should have told you that.”
“It's okay, Dan. I understand, you're going through a lot right now.”
“The thing is Phil, I still really like you.”
“I still like you too, Dan.”
“Do you think maybe we could give this another try? I swear I won't be such an ass this time.”
“I'd like that, under one condition”
“Yeah?”
“You promise never to do this to yourself again.” I said, bringing his forearm to my mouth and greeting his healing wound with a kiss.
Dan's eyes locked with mine, they were big and full on undecipherable feelings. “I promise” Dan spoke slowly. I could tell he meant it.
No more words were needed. I slowly leaned closer and brought my fingers to rest under his chin. I pressed a gentle kiss to his lips before slowly pulling away. “I know labels are overrated,” I said. “But I think I'd like to call you my boyfriend.”
“I'd like that too.” Dan said with a beaming grin.
I woke up the next morning with Dan's arms wrapped around my waist. I laid there for a moment in the silence of the morning and couldn't help but think about how much everything had changed. The past six months had been a hell of a ride. Now that I was here in Dan's arms, I couldn't help but feel like everything had clicked. Suddenly all the puzzle pieces had snapped together. Everything really was going to be okay now, and I knew that for sure.
I couldn't help but think back to the way things were before life went crazy. Dan had always given me butterflies. I always wanted to be close to him, but I never really understood it. I think I had always loved Dan, it just took almost losing him to make me see that. Since the day I had met Dan I had failed to have a meaningful relationship with anyone. I think that part of me was always just waiting for Dan, even though I knew he might never come. Our friendship was special, I always knew that it was something more. The way we connect and the chemistry between us couldn't have just been an accident.
Still, I was unsure of what the future held. It was easy to forget sometimes, but we had a public persona to uphold. We were lucky enough that news of Dan's accident never made it online, but would we be so lucky again? We'd never be able to kiss in the bar, or hold hands on the train like normal couples. We would never have that level of freedom that everyone else had. Coming out just didn't seem like an option right now, not for Dan anyway. It was too soon. He was finally coming to terms with himself, and I was happy for him. I didn't want to do anything that might make him feel insecure again. He was far from being ready to tell his family, and I understood that.
The hardest part for me was knowing all of the time we had wasted. I wished we had fallen in love sooner, but there are some things you can't change. Your story goes the way it goes, and you have to accept that. I still don't know how I never saw it before. I was blind back then, but now I can clearly see.
I felt Dan shifting in the bed next to me. He yawned and wrapped his arms tighter around me.
“Good morning” I said. Dan couldn't see, but I was grinning from ear to ear. I was so happy to wake up in bed next to him, and to feel the warmth of his body pressed against mine.
“Morning, Phil.” Dan groggily greeted.
I rolled over to face him, and he readjusted his arms around my waist. He brought a hand to my face and brushed the hair out of my eyes, “You look so beautiful” Dan complimented.
I blushed, still not used to being admired by Dan. “So do you”
“I know things have been crazy and everything but I just wanted to say,” Dan paused taking another moment to brush the fringe from my face. “I love you, Phil. I really love you.”
“I love you too Dan” I replied, then connected our lips for our first morning's kiss. “More than you will ever know.”
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