From Here To There

Surviving the Rainbow and Recapturing my Life

[thoughtkick]

“Be thankful for every new challenge. Each will give you more strength, wisdom and character.”

— Kristen Butler

[phasetwo-theredo]

At the end of this year I’m going to have more strength, wisdom and character than I ever imagined. Lord help me!

[thoughtkick]

“You can’t change how people feel about you - so don’t try. Just live your life, and be happy.”

— Lessons Learned in Life

[phasetwo-theredo]

And if they don’t think you are good enough—fuck them!

[emptystic]

“I thought I was healing, but the truth is, I just stopped feeling.”

—

[phasetwo-theredo]

I thought I was ok and then someone tried to dump out the bottle of water that I’ve kept on the counter, because you bought it for me. “I bought you the good stuff,” you said. And you were right.

[sickpage]

[phasetwo-theredo]

Have you ever felt free and caged at the same time?

[thoughtkick]

“You are born, go to school, and attend university in search of a husband. You get married - even if he is the worse man in the world - just so that others can’t say no one wants you. You have children, grow old, and spend the end of your days watching passersby from a chair on the sidewalk, pretending to know everything about life yet unable to silence the voice in your heart that says: “You could try something else.”

— Paulo Coelho, The Spy

[thoughtkick]

“May flowers grow in the saddest parts of you.”

— Zainab Aamir

[phasetwo-theredo]

A bouquet of heartbreak.

[phasetwo-theredo]

Who am I to me? Standing at the fork in the road.

“I am a different person to different people. Annoying to one. Talented to another. Quiet to a few. Unknown to a lot. But who am I, to me?”--Unknown

I can’t believe we are already in the middle of February. What a wild winter it has been. A friend first told me about this platform a few months ago and it has been a great place for me to just be able to get my thoughts out. Being able to write and just publish privately has been a relief valve that I have needed so much in this phase of my life. 

As the days grow longer and the last furious storms of winter are hurled upon us, I find myself at a few forks in the road and, unlike some roads, most have pretty promising paths no matter where I go. 

In my personal life I’ve spent the last few months reminding myself of my worth. Not allowing that worth to be appraised by anyone other than me. The days of letting another human being determine my worth are behind me. I’m the only one holding the pricing gun from now on. And you know what I’m valued at...priceless! 

I mean, I am a catch of a human being. Great smile, crazy hair, upbeat personality, intelligent, career minded, a really good mom to three amazing kids, self reliant, loving, funny, caring...should I go on? To be honest, I’d allowed myself to forget that so many of these character traits existed. I was so focused on my failed marriage that I let it overshadow all of the awesomeness that was there all along. 

So going into this spring I am at forks in the road. A fork in a romantic relationship, a fork in my career, a fork in my living situation. So many forks in so many roads. But all of the paths hold so much promise so I am looking forward to seeing which paths open up to me and which ones grow over with vines and shut themselves off. I truly believe that there is an amazing future awaiting me. 

I’m thankful for a winter that has shown me so much and reminded me who I am to me...Awesome!  

[thoughtkick]

“If you planted hope today in a heart that felt alone, if you caused a laugh that chased some tears away, if someone’s burden was made lighter because of your kindness, then your day was well spent.”

— Healing Hugs

[phasetwo-theredo]

This is my goal everyday. I want the world to be a better place because I was in it.

[lovequotespost]

One of my favorite movie (The Help)

Words matter. Even though they may not seem to make a difference at first but slowly they overtake your mind. You start to believe them.

Thats why be careful what you say to other and specially what you say to your self.

[phasetwo-theredo]

Yes yes yes!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

[phasetwo-theredo]

I feel like the winter blues have been trying to get a hold of me the last few days. This really surprised me because even during COVID I have a lot going on and I guess I thought the busyness would keep it at bay. But that is the thing about depression, it comes for you when you least expect it. For so long, people, myself included, were embarrassed or ashamed to talk about the importance of mental health. But for me at least, those days are far behind me. Talking about it is a way of looking it in the eyes, calling it into the spotlight, and dealing with it. For me, it helps take away its power, to recognize it and deal with it head on. 

Oddly enough, that has nothing to do with the reason I started this reflection. It is the middle of winter and somehow the weather today is going to be 54 and rainy. I was shocked to be walking into work early this morning, still dark outside, with warm arm circling around me, and hard rain starting to fall. Not the weird snow rain that sometimes makes an appearance in the winter, but a hard spring rain. The kind of rain that is so hard it helps wash away all of winter’s crust and dirt. 

And as I quickened my pace to get under cover, a calm surrounded me. I was headed into work to sit at a desk for the next 8-10 hours so a hurried pace was called for, but there was a strong part of me yelling, “Slow down and enjoy the rain. We love the rain!” It was a nice reminder that the days are starting to get longer and that purification and new beginnings are present even in the middle of a cold, dark winter. 

So today, I’m not going to look ahead to a less stormy day. I’m going to look out of my windows, watch the droplets fall and spend some time reflecting on where they were the last time they touched the earth. It’s the amazing thing about rain. It is sent from another part of the world (maybe not that far, but I really don’t know) to cleanse you, encourage rebirth, and feed all living things. 

Today, I’ll appreciate the storms, let my heart dance, and be reminded that I need the rain just as much as the sunshine. 

[lovequotespost]

All the pain, all the hardship, all the struggle, all the failures and all the success, everything will make a you out of you.

The only thing you have to do is learn from everything and move on. Do not get stuck. Do not pause. Keep moving forward!

[emptystic]

“Sex and all is cool, but have you ever fallen in someone’s eyes?”

—

[phasetwo-theredo]

I have and it’s a pretty amazing. I didn’t know feelings like this existed or that getting lost in someone’s eyes could really happen. I’m pretty lucky to get to know what that feels like.

[thoughtkick]

“Maybe it won’t work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever.”

— Unknown

[phasetwo-theredo]

I go to court on Monday to finalize my divorce. The process happened pretty quickly. Oct. 21, our 14th wedding anniversary, was the night he finally told me he was gay. I immediately decided that we were divorcing and five days later we met with an attorney. Thanks to some of life’s previous gifts,  we aren’t fighting over anything. We have a pretty stellar custody agreement that will give us both time to restart our individual lives, time to be with our kids one-on-one and then even a scheduled family night every week. Yes, it is nontraditional, but that is us. 

I have found myself really questioning my judgment this week. It’s like my compass is broken but I’m still trying to steer the ship. I don’t know if I should be a captain until I fix my compass and I think that it just takes some time. I don’t want to end up beached on some giant rocks off shore or drowning in the middle of the ocean. And I don’t want to take anyone else down with me. 

For so long I felt like I was trapped inside of a cage and I didn’t think that I would ever get out. But now I’m on the cusp of my release and I’m afraid I don’t know how to fly. (Yes, I was just a captain and now I’m a bird but just roll with it). 

I’m trying to remember who I was the last time I was single in the world. God, I was great. I would laugh really hard, love really hard, be super kind, and enjoy every moment. Of course I didn’t have many of the responsibilities I have now, but I think I am going to be great. Not having to answer to a spouse, especially one who I don’t trust, is going to be amazing. Taking full control of my life back is going to be so freeing. I just need to remember that I have the ability to fly out of that cage and just do it. 

Sure, there will be times when the finances will get tight, the roof will leak, the car won’t start, and being a parent to three amazing boys on my own will be really difficult, but those are the moments I know I can call on my village. Whoever I choose to bring into that special place. They will be there to support me. 

My village is amazing and full of all the best people. It’s nice to know that I can heal and allow my compass to repair or remember how to fly and that they will be there throughout the process. I’m a giver and nurturer. I love helping other people, but right now I need the help. I need to be cared for, loved on, comforted. 

So think of me on Monday. Send your prayers or good thoughts into the Universe for not only me but for all the women in cages. May we all be strong enough to jump out of them, brave enough to remember how to fly, and confident enough to soar. 

[takethisride]

You can’t replace a woman that gives you both wifey and bestfriend vibes, that shit is rare.

- takethisride

[thoughtkick]

“I act like everything is fine. I laugh at people’s joke, I do silly things with my friends and I act like I am happy. It’s funny though. When I come back home, I just tun off that mental switch. I suddenly break down. I feel alone, empty, and tired. One for the public, and one for myself. If only they knew.”

— (via emptystic)

[thebookquotes]

I hope I haven’t already driven past my greatest moments. I hope there is something beautiful on the horizon that’s just as impatient as I am. Something so eager, It wants to meet me halfway.

Rudy Francisco, Helium (via thebookquotes)