16.11.2016 Facing the Demons
After the long awaited vacation, my DH got sick and I got the flu, too. Was about to give up on presenting on the conference I was invited to- but I went with the permission only to attend the talks I was physically capable of.
If you are lucky, you have a nice academic life, with mentors and professors and colleagues helping you on the way. I, unfortunately, happened to meet one of the worst in our field right in the beginning of my thesis project.
This one person who told me at the beginning of my career I should change my thesis subject (because as a “foreigner”, I would not be capable of “knowing” enough of the subject) was participating at the conference as well. (Hello, small world, and hello, I’ve “grown” enough to be invited to the same events as that person now).
My demon ever since was the though to not be good enough, ever. I know it is my responsibility, and I regret having spent so much time wondering if I was ever good enough... But here I am.
(That person had offended several other “foreign“ PhD candidates as well, with the same statements, I had learned. And I was witnessing her racism first hand, when I was - to eliminate all possible misunderstandings from our “talk“ - sitting in one of the seminars. That person had the nerve to laugh about a student of colour who did not pronounce a word right (the student stressed the wrong syllable of the word she was using). I came to develop very strong negative vibes about that person.)
I met that awful person face to face for the first time in a long time at the conference and pretended not to know her that well.
I hate gossip, and talking behind backs, but there was a moment of confidentiality with another participant. And I learned that my arch enemy had stolen a project from another professor. Mailing list and concept and all. W.T.F.
I was speechless. And in a way, I was glad that I was not the only victim.
I thought I want to revenge all the wrongdoings, and my personal one came earlier than I thought: at <My Presentation>.
Due to my illness (f-ing 2016, you have been the shittiest year in a loooong time regarding my health, and R.I.P. Leonard Cohen and David Bowie and Alan Rickman), I was working a total of solely two days on a 30 minute presentation and I managed to write 16 pages (yay!).
It was the first time I did not run the text by another person, DH or my mentor, but I was somehow, too exhausted by the flu and in a way, confident that it was good enough.
Yeah. I want to humble brag at this point, because I deserve it after all these years. I really feel like I do.
I rocked it. I was able to shut down criticism by that person-I-really-don’t-like and also turned the statement of our conversation years ago into a counter-argument of that comment.
It felt so f-ing awesome.
Several professors and colleagues came after the discussion to give me more input, and moreover, tell me how great my presentation was, their thoughts on it, mentioned relevant projects and also: that they were looking forward to the printed version. I mean, DARN, I was so thankful and filled with pride and joy and I coudln’t believe it.
When I confided in another colleague that I wasn’t sure how my presentation went, he told me he was very impressed by my professional demeanor, work so far and could not believe I would question my knowledge and skills at any time.
Since I was constantly doubting myself over the years, and had developed a “monster” in my head that my work wasn’t worth it, the encouraging words and compliments of a fellow colleague meant a lot to me.
I have come a long way, and I still have some rocks on the way and really, time is running out. I lag behind my schedule to be finished in September. BUT. To know that I have learned and studied so much to be able to present my thoughts to an academic audience, to defend my paper and to be able to deliver a statement without being intimidated by professors and other academics is really making me feel somewhat relieved.
If there is anybody out there reading through my ramblings and has experienced something similar bad, I want to say not to let it get to your substance. I wasted so much time self-doubting myself and not believing in myself. I forgot how it feels to be trusted, to actually KNOW that the years I studied were not in vain.
I don’t have to finish my PhD thesis at al at this point in my life, but I regained my confidence, I feel good and I am happy to do what I do at the moment.
I am not the type of person to stick to plans, and I was very afraid to be left with nothing, but even though I have not kept up with the 100 days of productivity, I have managed to write more on my thesis and I feel it doesn’t take much longer now.
Facing the person who gave me nightmares helped me to overcome the fear. Now I am facing the demons of doing everything last minute, because of my fear not to be good enough. Facing the demons of self-doubt and procrastination.
This is Day 1 of my new life.
Have a nice productive rest-of-the-week, you all! You are not alone!
