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Oh, you brought the toddler?

You won’t be using those coupons.

#IfSupermarketsCouldTalk

Me: You want some turkey?

Toddler: *grumble*

Me: Turkey doesn’t want you either, little bitch.

So happy

Truth about body maintenance

Typical FaceTime Interaction

Mother: Why is your face so sunburnt?

Me: I always turn this red after I run.

Mother: Whoa, where is your hairline going?

Me: Would you like me to comment on YOUR appearance?

Mother: Oh my god can’t you take a joke? Why are you always so mean? This is why I never want to call you! What did I ever do to deserve...[this continues until one of us dies]

Do you have a Snapchat?

Nope

New Dad Learnings

Our parents are encyclopedias of child-rearing misconceptions.

Anyone else streaming the Moana soundtrack 24/7?

what's crackalackin

At PF Changs with the fam. I got an Amazon Echo Dot that I was setting up earlier. So I've got some things to distract me from our crumbling civilization.

yeah those are the only choices sorry i don't make the rules

Damn the rule-maker! I don't remember the question, but I'm pretty sure the answer is Birthday Cake Remix.

so... are u chaotic good or lawful evil?

Those are the only choices?

bootyism

No doubt

New Dad Learnings

If you ninja correctly while he's distracted, you can take a shit before he realizes you're gone.

New Dad Learnings

I can never remember if I brushed my teeth.

New Dad Learnings

Do anything while holding a baby and turn magically into Mr. Bean.

New Dad Learnings

Nine months old and none of my belongings are safe. Now I understand why there are so many storage facilities.

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