THE CONFUSION FLUNG ACROSS HIS FEATURES made it seem as though seojun appeared to feel some type of resentment towards the other, though if he truly did, he chose to remain silent in favor of listening to what yibo had to say. certainly were they not friends, their encounters having mostly resulted in harsh insults spit into each other’s faces and cruel words being spoken aloud: his temper, seojun knew, had always gotten the best out of him and yibo seemed to be painfully similar to him in that aspect what you couldn’t get, you had to fight for and if those efforts were in vain, then how much of what you had been put into this had been for real? seojun knew that the answer for that question had caused for many sleepless nights and painful moments to frequently occur in his life, though people were raised to live up to expectations; he had never thought that there could be another soul out there who could understand these issues.
and be just as hurt, too.
shaking his head, the corners of his lips moved downwards as he made sure to keep the distance between the two of them. the air was pregnant with the emotional fragility that only a suffering man during his worst moments could radiate, and while there was something poisonous initially laying on his tongue, the male heir chose not to kick a man that was already down to begin with. only all too vividly did he remember being at the other end of the spectrum, when just a bit of sympathy or a few reassuring words could have done wonders to help a broken kid put himself back together, but that had never happened and the task of doing such a thing all by yourself without bleeding out on the remnants of your happiness was much harder to do, than one could possibly imagine, and so he kept that distance between the two of them: if only out of respect for yibo, who deserved to talk about the things that he kept locked away in the depths of his heart.
seojun didn’t doubt for a moment that the younger would have valid reasons for lying, though the apology momentarily took him off guard. not being used to hear a heartfelt excuse for something that seemed to be so mundane, he found himself cracking a boyish, somewhat weak smile as a hand came up to massage his scalp, slender fingers casually running themselves through luscious locks as he eyed him silently. the smile, however, vanished almost as soon as it had came to be and the more he thought about it, the less he felt himself willing to approach the subject.
yibo was right with what he was saying, but that didn’t mean seojun had an easier time accepting the truth. it only seemed to worsen things: being told that he was ungrateful, that he wasn’t trying hard enough and could be so much better if only he was a little bit more like his twin sister was different from being told that he was better at hiding whatever pain threatened to rip his heart into bits and pieces. the simple phrase brought back a painful memory that he didn’t wish to recall, causing for eyelids to fall shut as he took in a deep, ragged breath, fearing this lungs were going to combust at any given moment now. he didn’t have his sister’s silent strength or his father’s empowering wrath, seojun was just seojun and that had never been enough. the realization was painful to come to terms with.
as he opened his eyes again, he drank in the sight of the other with slight curiosity whilst attempting to shield his own emotionality from the world: a task much harder than he would like to admit to, but he wasn’t used to things being spectacularly easy for him. “i don’t hate you.”
it came out quieter than anticipated, causing for seojun to blink as insecurity spread across his masculine features as a silent thought crossed his mind. was this the right way to act, the right way to treat someone who had obviously gone through so much? pitying him didn’t feel like the right thing to do, and seojun knew that empathy could be easily considered something else. it made it harder for him to realize just how similar the two of them were in their suffering.
“i don’t hate you. never really did, actually. i couldn’t stand you, i’ll admit to that, but it’s because you talked to me in a way i hated, as if my opinions or views didn’t matter. invalid, you know? like what i want to say doesn’t matter … you get that, don’t you? i don’t think your father would have treated you any differently.” the subject he was approaching was a difficult one, he knew that, but at the same time seojun realized it was necessary to talk about mistakes made in the past to prevent them from being made in the future once more: and he had to start with himself if he wanted to change something.
“i don’t know. does that answer your question? frankly, i don’t know what i’m doing half the time.” cracking a smile, smile, unsure, not reaching his eyes, he made yet another attempt at reaching out to yibo, if only to see whether or not things could be worked out in a calm, serious manner. “if you’re apologizing, i think it’s only fair of me to do the same, no? i’m sorry for telling you that everything was fine, but i didn’t lie.” he paused, mischief spreading across his previously gloomy features. “they will be. if not today, then someday.”
most who’ve known him on a personal level may or may not agree --- despite his being under the clear impression that they would --- that yibo NEVER REALLY WAS the brightest kid out there. he’d only managed to get through a fraction of high school before he’d abandoned his mother’s HOPES & DREAMS that he’d be the first to get through college in their family; the first to take the reigns of the capitalist society that’s bled through the ancient ideals of most of the world, despite what nations CLAIM to embody or strive towards these days. how can a kid who’d had everything and a kid who’d literally had nothing draw so many similarities? perhaps this realization is the most BLINDING HIGHLIGHT of whatever maturity the icon has to his name --------------- but money means nothing in terms of character. people will be people no matter what they have, and while the world around them does hold significance in the upbuilding of their identity, ultimately, no one factor DEFINES them. and yibo had been just as foolish as anyone else to profile seojun as being smugly satisfied with himself because he’d been raised in a materialistically strong family. he feels shame for his recent past self for drawing up that conclusion from the thin air that society pumps out of poison gas for all of her little children to breathe. even someone as PROUD & LIBERAL as he sometimes takes a knee to the machine ... all people do. no one is immune.
perhaps one of his biggest STRENGTHS is learning from his mistakes ------ and yes, he makes a lot of them, but that record has since been cut in half after his teenage years have morphed into the clutches of oncoming adulthood. he’s still very young; he’s still got plenty of time before he starts being held ACCOUNTABLE for these mistakes, though yibo tends to be relentless with himself in not doing the same shit over and over. and while this attitude can be seen in a self-destructive light, it’s helped him to not use his youth as an excuse. he’s very far from perfect, perhaps the FARTHEST THING, but that negative connotation holds no substance in his mind. he knows that he isn’t meant to be perfect, that he isn’t even meant to strive for that, in the context of his everyday life.
but that is why these two young men can be so similar, despite having the MOST STARK of differences in their upbringing, and in their everyday experiences. despite having come from a hole of a house with an abusive father and a broken mother, he isn’t ( and perhaps, never really had been ) all that different from the silver-spoon, silk shrouded child that had grown to be the man before him. WEALTH does not equate to happiness, and as someone that has earned quite a bit of wealth in more recent years, yibo can attest to this gospel with the clearest amen. would his life have been very different if his father had been as rich as seojun’s? NO. because his father is a twisted and heartless man, and not even the comforting feel of crisp bills against the most calloused of flesh can undo EVIL. how could he have been so shallow?
perhaps that bitterness from his childhood is still present in the aftertaste of every insult he’s spat at seojun. perhaps his own pain and envy for someone he’d assumed to have had a far better life had gotten the best of him, filtered his eyes with red glass and caused him to see only what he wanted to. but just like every other mistake he’s ever made, he’s going to learn from that. it’s not going to happen again ------------------ he’d be DAMNED if it did.
he’s pleasantly surprised with how willingly seojun is listening to him; though yibo can clearly see, even through pain-fractured eyes, the way the elder’s face phases from confusion to anger and right back around. but he’s HUMAN, they both are, and yibo would be even more concerned and perhaps enraged if the other had simply stood there with no indication of feeling, especially considering how HARD it is for a boy as closed-off and unwilling to admit to feeling anything other than rage and pride ( those “STRONG” emotions, the ones that supposedly make a man look like he’s never been hurt, right? ) to admit that he’s not as unmarred as he’d like to be; as he fronts that he is. if he could live his entire life without apologizing for anything, he would, but unfortunately, his heart is just a little too good for that ------ and it seems that seojun’s is, too.
the fact that the both of them are drenched in the showers of insecurity bred of emotional perception is rather IRONIC, but only does it further what yibo had started to say. the two of them aren’t as different as perhaps they even want to be --- because if they were, it would validate the way they’ve treated one another, right? but nothing can do that. despite the understanding that passes like night into morning, they both know that they’ve been wrong ... and that it is OKAY to be wrong, as the mere mortals that they are.
yibo’s head lifts from the glare he’d consciously held on the laces of his own designer shoes --------- but in the process, he realizes something astronomically peculiar. the two of them are wearing the same shoes. and while normally, that holds no significance whatsoever to the topic at hand, the proverbial saying comes to mind --------------- having something to do with placing one’s self in another’s shoes, or even walking the same path in different ones. his memory is imperfect, but the SHEER INCONGRUITY of this occurrence is what causes the pale-skinned boy to start to smile. oh, what irony. almost as though whatever deities spin the forces of gravity have realized the foolishness that dates back to when first they met. he chooses not to say anything about it, however. maybe seojun would notice, maybe he wouldn’t ------ but yibo himself knows, and it lightens the atmosphere to one he can better handle. THANK GOD.
❛ you’re right. i was wrong t’ assume that you had it all that easier just ‘cause you had what i used to think would make my life better. but all kinds of people go through the same kinda pain ... it ain’t exclusive to anyone who’s rich or poor, right? ❜ despite how hard he’s DRILLED HIMSELF for thinking that, he’s smiling --- the kind of melancholic, apologetic smile that somehow manages to hold just enough happiness to shine even the thinnest beam of light on an undeserved grave. ❛ it goes without sayin’, really, but me either. i mean ... life ain’t somethin’ you can really plan out an’ stick to. it’s unpredictable an’ imperfect. so not knowin’ what you’re doin’ and knowin’ what you are really boil down to the same ol’ shit, in the end. ❜
he exhales a sigh; one that almost sounds wistful. ❛ they oughta be. what the hell ‘re we doin’ all this sufferin’ an’ apologizin’ for, if they won’t, huh? ❜
