I’m scared. Not afraid, or nervous, or anxious, or frightened. None of those words capture my current feelings the way scared does. I don’t feel nearly as vulnerable when I’m afraid, nervous, anxious, or frightened. But right now I very much am.
I hate being scared more than anything in the world. It’s the most embarrassing and childish emotion there is, and it’s even more so due to the fact that the source of said emotion is equally embarrassing and childish.
Look, it’s not like I’m stupid. I know I don’t want to get sick, and it’s not like I have any intention of avoiding it. That being said, don’t you dare tell me how “it just lasts for a second” and “it barely hurts at all.”
I will admit that my experiences in freshman and sophomore year weren’t so bad. But last year is another story. Disregarding the fact that the person who accompanied me last year, who also happens to be the only person ever to not trivialize the fear or make me feel stupid, now hates my guts, the pain definitely did not last for a second or two. I was in un-ignorable pain for at least two hours afterwards, and it still went in and out for the rest of the day. Plus, my arm was bleeding immediately after, and I had a bruise for about a week. And perhaps all of that still doesn’t justify literally weeks’ worth of anxiety, but if you don’t have this problem then you’re really in no position to tell me to relax.
Anyway, I understand that the reason it was probably so bad last year was because my arm was so tense, and everyone says you’re not supposed to do that. But please enlighten me, how on EARTH am I supposed to relax my arm? Part of the reason I feel so helpless is that the nurse told me at least twice last year to relax (before proceeding to do it anyway), and I really did try to but I just couldn’t. I mean, we’re humans. We’re not wired to allow sharp objects to puncture our skin without showing resistance.
And pride doesn’t help either. I know that in my freshman year I tried making a fist with my other hand, and that seemed to help a bit. But that was before it started becoming an obsession again, and now I’m reluctant to try that because literally anything I do to show that it bothers me is just embarrassing, and as I explained in the previous paragraph, letting my arm go limp just isn’t an option.
I just can’t wait for tomorrow to be over. The time I’ve spent worrying about this has increased every year. Last year it was an issue for about 3-4 weeks in advance. This year, I spent a lot of August enduring a lot of near misses in terms of making sure my parents didn’t remember what time of year it was, and it’s been an acute issue since the first week of classes. It’s SO exhausting and I just want it to be done.
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turnnoffyourmind
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