Please Hire Me

29 years of life experience plus a Master's Degree

[phm-now]

Got the Chronic

Hi there,

I came across your specialty plasma donor program for chronic hepatitis b. I have a couple of questions before committing, but the timeframe and pay look good to me.

First, I don’t currently have hepatitis b, but if I did get it, how long until I can be in this program?

Second, where are you located? I do not have access to a car so if I am donating 2x a day I would like to be nearby.

Finally, are you paying in cash or check? I have an online bank so cash really won’t work for me.

Thanks!

[phm-now]

Connect Your Supply Chain with Detailed Multimodal Inventory Visibility and Fully Automated Carrier Onboarding

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am applying to your open position for, “Receptionist” at your hyper growth tech startup company with immeasurable excitement! My doctor has recently diagnosed me with a “hyper growth” syndrome as well, so I think that finding this advertisement was meant to be. My position at project44 has truly been written in the stars.

A little about me: well, you hit the nail on the head with terms like positive and energetic. If you contact any of my references (attached as a PDF document) they can attest to the good vibes I bring to the office with me every day. I have a bit of a reputation for being the office baker and my vegan, gluten-free sweets never fail to impress. I have also finely tuned my skills at supporting the maintenance of an office and am incredibly tech savvy, however, my detail mindedness could use some work. 

I believe I could be a real asset to your team and would reception well. Both my phone and in person demeanor is pleasant and I enjoy sitting for all hours of the day. Being a part of a start up tech company like Facebook is so exciting for me and I have so many ideas to share with you - maybe soon the employee will become the employer! Previous employers have said I have some great ideas (again, references are attached in a PDF) and I would be happy to share the profits 50-50.

Thanks again for your time and consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.

[phm-now]

BID ID #: 1908001-080823

To the State of Illinois,

I am responding to your open position for a third Executive Secretary with immeasurable excitement! As someone who lives in the state of Illinois, I feel as though I have great insight into what would really make this state flourish. For example, have you noticed the stark racial divide in both the state of Illinois and the city of Chicago? I think I could really make a dent in bringing all people of all races and genders together. I imagine it would be a real party and melding of cultures. As someone who is originally from New York, I, better than most people, understand the term, “melting pot.”

Although you have two Executive Secretaries already, I know that given my experience, Master’s degree, and sharp mental development, that I could really be an asset to your team and this country. Since it is 2019 and secretarial college no longer exists (did you know women can be president now?) I unfortunately do not hold that accreditation. I do, however, have over five years of experience assisting C-Level Executives in planning their travel arrangements, managing their calendars and swallowing my anger and frustrations in order to not bruise neither their egos nor their bottom line.

To further demonstrate my alignment with this position you should know that I can speak espanol muy pequeno, keyboard extremely well (now key-tar is a whole other story) and am able to meet the demands of any personal services your team desires. ;) I will be dedicated to this job, and will gladly break up with my deadbeat of a boyfriend for $5,913 a month so that I can commit days, nights, weekends and holidays to furthering your mission.

I look forward to hearing from you and getting a behind the scenes look at what the Division of Budget and Finance in the state of Illinois really does! I have no experience in this department and am in major debt, so this may be a bit of a learning curve for me.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.