*Phobe

27 AuDHD/CPTSD/ClusterB This is my diary I don’t have anything to hide, read with caution there is a reason I keep this account anon.

[stuckinapril]

posting your thoughts on tumblr is so embarrassing like hey here’s what’s happening in my life in grotesque detail. here is my literal stream of consciousness. no one really cares about this. Whatever

[phobiicboiuuu]

Came here to write something in the hopes they would see it. They deactivated their tumblr. I am so miserable without them and they know it and I hoped they would still look at my posts hoping the best for me but it seems not.

[phobiicboiuuu]

First boy since my boy and going from talking everyday to not has sent me over the edge and I fear I have scared this pretty man away. I have the worst luck but who knows maybe I need to remember what my ex boy said about no news being good news even though my messages aren’t even being reacted to. Sigh.

[phobiicboiuuu]

Missing them so badly and while they have forgotten I exist they’re burned into my every waking existence. No one compares, no one will compare. Perfection in dark hair and glistening eyes. Hard hands that are soft on my body. I cannot escape this and I have tried. I forgot about them for a day but they’re now back in my mind. They knew they were coming to leave that night and I know they will be back but also maybe they won’t. It’s all a bunch of maybes but they want things from me I’m barely achieving and now they have no way to see any of what I’m doing bc of online stalkers meaning I have to private my accs.

My brain won’t shut up, I won’t be getting a response any time soon and I just don’t want to continue on without them.

[phobiicboiuuu]

I dreamt about them last night and it was the warm hug I needed. I miss them so endlessly.

[phobiicboiuuu]

Missing them so badly and while they have forgotten I exist they’re burned into my every waking existence. No one compares, no one will compare. Perfection in dark hair and glistening eyes. Hard hands that are soft on my body. I cannot escape this and I have tried. I forgot about them for a day but they’re now back in my mind. They knew they were coming to leave that night and I know they will be back but also maybe they won’t. It’s all a bunch of maybes but they want things from me I’m barely achieving and now they have no way to see any of what I’m doing bc of online stalkers meaning I have to private my accs.

My brain won’t shut up, I won’t be getting a response any time soon and I just don’t want to continue on without them.

[phobiicboiuuu]

I love them so much and I miss them and all I can do is wait for the day they see I’m doing what they want of me. Today isn’t that day but I don’t even have the energy to love them how they deserve so whatever.

Kissed someone new and that was nice but I’m not sure anyone will come close to the feeling of their mouth in mine

[phobiicboiuuu]

I miss my baby

I miss my conspirator and confidant

I miss my coworker

I miss my best friend

I miss my world

Yet they don’t miss me and I don’t care they don’t. I thought I fell out of love yesterday but you can’t do that when the love you feel is unconditional.

[phobiicboiuuu]

Ilydym

The drawing of you will stay on my wall to remind me that I can love unconditionally, until you return 💙

[phobiicboiuuu]

Down bad and feral over someone who is still ignoring me

Despite my attempts to meet new people.

Like I will never go as deep as we dove and I only want that with them but they’re too mentally ill to actually see me as safe because they want to not like me smh. My curse is being annoying and unloveable ig.

[phobiicboiuuu]

I don’t want to remove them off my walls but maybe it’s time. They want things of me before they’ll reengage. Not that I think they see any of what I do nor do they care. So they have finally said no, and so I focus on forgetting because dwelling on someone who wants the perfect version of me until the perfect version of me hatches.

[phobiicboiuuu]

Actively being stalked but not by my them. I wish it was my them though because this is slightly scary. Someone charged with firebombing an exs car is actively stalking my accounts and there is nothing I can do about it.

Yet it lowkey makes me horny but really there is no other way to feel that I can handle right now. The only person I want to talk to about it is ignoring me and bleh. My house has its strengths but I genuinely don’t know what lengths this person will go to try scare me.

At the end of the day no one is ever around so they have to accept if something happens I can’t do much but stay calm.

Only I can look after myself but agh. Anyway.

[phobiicboiuuu]

Relapsing and it being something you didn’t teach yourself. Over and over and over again.

[phobiicboiuuu]

I feel like I’m being pranked at this point

Nothing feels real and I somehow have to keep myself functioning

Self harming in new ways that don’t bear physical marks

I just want them back and idk if that will happen atp but like whatever

[phobiicboiuuu]

Ilydym until the day I stop breathing

Which seems to be what you want atp but whatever.

[phobiicboiuuu]

Embracing being delusional while stuck in message requests really is demonstrative on my brains:

Ability to survive

Hope for the future

If a 16 year situationship can work, my 4 year situationship can deffs work out. Only time will tell and I know posting this will likely lead to them wanting to prove me wrong, or they’ll accept they want me back. Sigh. Can it be the latter I’m so tired of waiting and being better tbh.

[phobiicboiuuu]

Those two twinks will bring us back together

You’ll be in my bed watching their recent video mark my fucking words.

[phobiicboiuuu]

“It’s okay”

“It’s not something I’m forgiving”

I know they know I just don’t want to wait any longer for them to be here.