on the topic of humans being the intergalactic āhold my beerā species: imagine an alien stepping onto a human starship and seeing a space roombaā¢ with a knife duct taped onto it, just wandering around the ship
it doesnāt have any special intelligence. itās just a normal space roomba. there are other space roombas on the ship and they donāt have knives. itās just this one. knife space roomba has full clearance to every room in the ship. occasionally crew members will be talking and then suddenly swear and clutch their ankle. knife space roomba putters off, leaving them to their mild stab wounds.
āwhat is the point?ā asks the alien as another crew member casually steps over the knife-wielding robot. āis it to test your speed and agility?ā
āno it doesnāt really go that fast,ā replies the captain.
ādoes it teach you to stay ever-vigilant?ā
āI mean I guess so but thatās more of a side effect.ā
ādoes it weed out the weak? does it protect you from invaders? do repeated stabbings let your species heal more quickly in the future?ā
āit doesnāt stab very hard, it gets us more than it gets our enemies, and no, but that sounds cool ā someone write that down.ā
ābut then what is its purpose?ā
āI donāt know,ā the captain says, leaning down to give the space roomba an affectionate pat. āit just seemed coolā
this is the dumbest idea Iāve ever heard but I thought about it for five seconds and realized that if I were, say, a random communications officer onboard this ship and someone taped a knife to a roomba it would take maybe three weeks before even I was inordinately fond of Stabby. I would be proud of Stabby when I met up with my other spacefleet friends for space coffee, I would tell them about the time Stabby got the second mate in the ankle five seconds before the fleet admiralĀ beamed on board and she swore in seven different languages in front of high command.Ā
also by the fourth day Stabby would be in the shipās log, heādĀ have little painted-on insignia, people would salute him as he went by, and someone would hook up a twitter account to tweet maniacal laughter and/or a truly terrible knock-knock joke every time he managed to nick someone.
Omg so the ting I typed up might actually happen this is gold
I am suddenly astonished that Stabby isnāt Farscape canon. 1812 was weird enough.
Stabbyās little charging dock would start accruing cuddly toys and commemorative holo-vids of Stabbyās greatest stabs. Its insignia would start off at a fairly low rank, but soon, without anyone every discussing it, everyone would know that Stabby got to take the rank of the highest ranking crew member it stabbed. The ceremony for Flag Admiral Stabby was beautiful. The captain gave a speech.Ā
why am i proud of stabby this is irrational
INCIDENT LOG: 46-7-2 Action #45437: Desc: Covert enemy boarding attempt
Details: Six (6) members of a Mercenary/Pirate crew of little renown attempted to infiltrate ship in order to steal equipment and/or personnel.
Prior to being detained they had remained undetected for eight (8) hours and accumulated several high value materials (see attached log), and incapacitated and restrained several crewmen (see attached log) in dock #3, with the intention of using a life boat to exfiltrate.
Just prior to their would-be escape, the boarding party encountered the shipās mascot. A cleaning unit which had been modified by crew members to mount a traditional Terran melee weapon, as well as an officerās insignia (having been jokingly given a commission by the Captain the night before). Curious, one picked it up, before realising the mounted weapon had a nickel finish (highly toxic to their species) on the handle, and dropped it in a panic.
As the unitās anti-impact sensors had been disabled, it immediately tried to right itself on landing. This caused it to flip over and slash the third knee of the boarder who dropped it, prompting the rest of the boarders to flee. In doing so, they tripped over a waste container, causing the unit to āchaseā them, as it collected the trail of dust they left.
The security crew were alerted to the boarding partyās presence by an entry on āSargent Stabbyās Hit Listā - an account on an intership microblogging site which automatically logs any injuries caused by the cleaning unit in question - and quickly intercepted them.
Casualties: Four (4) crewmen treated for minor lacerations sustained after detaining boarding party, one (1) captured crewman treated for negative reaction to sedatives used by captors.
Belligerent status: Two (2) members of the enemy boarding party remain in stable condition in sickbay. Three (3) remaining surrendered peacefully and remain in the brig. One (1) refuses to leave the safety of a storage cupboard he went to ground in.
Recommendations/Actions:
All captured guards to undergo debriefing and possible disciplinary action for breaches of security protocol.
Remind all crew members to report missing colleagues immediately.
Retain a guard outside cleaning storage room 87 until the final boarder can be coaxed out and properly detained.
Cleaning unit D4.87 AKA āSargent Stabbyā has been promoted to Quartermaster, and is now considered the superior officer of all autonomous drones on the ship. All Class #1 drones have been programmed to salute their superior with their effector, should it enter the room while theyāre active.
Ok but what about that final bit - all the other space roombas respectfully standing to the side and saluting when QuatermasterĀ Stabby comes past?
Quartermaster Stabby goes on to have many more adventures and many more promotions.
Quartermaster Stabby becomes a famous icon of the human race, proof that humans can and often are unintentionally terrifying, but maybe there actually IS something to their strange attachments to inanimate objectsā¦?
Aliens are now convinced that humans have some weird psychic/aura powers or something. āObject Tamersā they call us. Humans are so amused that they adopt the term for themselves. They love it. They start printing it on bracelets and T-shirts. Aliens canāt tell if this is a joke or a confession.
Through a disturbing number of coincidences like the above, aliens begin to fear Quartermaster Stabby and are legitimately unsure if it has intelligence or not. It doesnāt help that humans refuse to break the joke to explain it to them.
Alien scientists try to explain the strange phenomenon that is Quartermaster Stabby. They cannot. Humans are delighted.
Quartermaster Stabby is eventually promoted to a position of authority over all autonomous drones in the entire human empire. It also escaped the ship once and managed to become the mayor of a small alien city. That city has since begun using the fact as a tourist attraction, and the episode has brought to human attention the fact that Mayor Stabby technically fulfills all of the criteria necessary to become a president or council member. (Minus the sentience.)
Humans are now trying to vote Mayor Stabby into office, using the aliensā inability to determine its sentience level to their advantage.
They are successful. Counselor Stabby is most universally beloved representative of the human race. (Among humans, anyway. The aliens have mixed reactions, ranging from amusement, to fear, to outrage.)
Counselor Stabby goes on to somehow reveal a corrupt plot among several other counsel members and essentially averts a huge political catastrophe, all because one of the spies dropped her earring and Counselor Stabby ate it. The earring was bugged. Good call, Counselor Stabby.
Every time Counselor Stabby breaks down and has to be repaired, trillions of humans flood its social media accounts with āget wellā messages, and many flowers and gifts are sent to the repair bay or to its charging station.
Counselor Stabby has somehow blundered its way into receiving all of the highest honors that can be bestowed by human society. It helps run an empire. It saves lives. It cleans donut crumbs off of the floor without being asked.
All without a single sentient thought.
Counselor Stabby becomes legend.
The humans have started a campaign to use Counselor Stabby as a model to create better bots.Ā
āWhy does a humanās consideration for aĀ ābetter botā mean more knives, sir?ā the young ambassador said, staring at the contraption in front of him.Ā
ā we are unsure of their purpose, we have many reports of these creations protecting their home ships.Ā ā The advisor said also staring at the contraptions many spinning blades.Ā
The residing human walked into the room squealing, quite to loud for the ambassadorās taste, at the contraption.Ā
ā Arenāt you just a spinning bundle of death!Ā ā The human cried out happily? (The ambassador was still unsure of humans deployment of emotions.) The delivery droid, with knife blades above its propellors, bobbed up and down before depositing itāsĀ āgiftā (as the human called it) and leaving through the bot-hatch with a frightening scream accompanying it.
Thes humans, they were, well, humans. The ambassador would need to read more on their culture to even remotely understand them.Ā
