I’m walking through a forest alone. I know how to get out of the forest and my friends and family are nearby. It’s the first time I’ve walked this path, although many before me have as well. But at this moment, I’m alone. I’ve looked for maps but they’re all vague. I think I’m doing a good job but I can’t be sure. What if doing a good job and trying my best doesn’t get me where I want to go? Maybe that’s not even the part that keeps me feeling uncertain and stuck. It’s the first time I’ve allowed myself to define where it is that I want to go, rather than being dragged along. This adjustment makes me feel truly alone, because it feels like I’m exercising new muscles that others have been building all their lives. What do I want? What can I offer to others? I don’t fucking know, I’ve just been doing the work this whole time. I know I do a good job, but sometimes I can’t find the words to describe it. And the urge to walk towards any source of light or water is very strong, not because I need to but to quell the anxiety of doing something new. My body has been out of whack for the last month and I’m worried something is going to get worse. I’m trying to trust in my abilities and in the process, but I’m just on edge and it’s uncomfortable.
