I'm angry. I would be lying if I said part of that anger wasn't directed at you. As human as I am, I know that's unfair and not right. I know I heard you when you told me to just trust you, but its hard. I got my hopes up when I saw that doctor and he started me on Clomid. I felt like I did everything right.... I lost 20lbs, cut down on carbs, joined the gym, timed everything perfect, did the ovulation tests and tracking, stayed consistent day to day. And yet, after a 29 day cycle, my bbt crashed below the coverline and I stared at my 5th negative test that cycle with the largest weight in my heart. A few hours later, aunt flow showed her nasty face.
I cried my tears and felt my feelings but decided to trust you and try again. Once more I take the Clomid. I deal with all of the hot flashes and nausea and mood swings it caused. I continue to eat healthy and go to the gym 4-5 times a week. I stay on top of temping and opks. I confirm ovulation with these things and get excited, I watch my temps rise. I see as I get a triphasic chart that is common to pregnancy. But then I get a call from the doctor, my progesterone levels were only 8. Not numbers he wanted to see. It fell in normal range but it was weak ovulation. If I did conceive, there was a high chance of the baby not implanting and essentially causing a miscarriage that I would never know about. I watch my temps rise until about 9dpo. Then then lower at 10dpo just a little. I reach 12dpo, they lower just a little more. I get a negative pregnancy test. My cramps are feeling less like implantation cramps and now feel like period cramps. I'm guessing AF will once more come in a matter of a couple of days. My doctor wants to up my Clomid dose from 50mg to 100mg.
God, I feel cheated. I feel this is some sick joke. I feel like I'm burning with anger and jealousy and depression because my body is broken and I can't give my husband a baby, and I feel like less than a woman. Even with the medication, my body still won't conceive a child.
I know that isn't fair to just be mad. I know I can't blame you... after all, you are God and your plans are good. Through the heartache and anger, I know that. I know that your ways and your thoughts are higher than mine. And I pray daily for your will to be done. Your will wasn't meant for last cycle. Your will doesn't seem like it was meant for this cycle either.
I'm tired. I feel like I'm doing everything right but I'm still a step behind. Or maybe several steps behind. I don't want to be that broken woman. None of my friends understand and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this.
But I know you understand, God. You go before me and you know my heart and what I'm feeling before I can even feel them. You know how tiring this journey is. You know that I'm discouraged and that my heart is broken. You see the tears I'm crying.
And its not fair for me to think that this Clomid and tracking and "doing everything right" can surpass you. You are sovereign, after all, and you are good. Maybe I'm not putting my faith in you like I should be.
Help me, God. With my faith. Give me strength and peace just for the moment. Help me not to worry and stress. Help me to rejoice in the waiting because your plans for me are good.
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