Hello.Goodbye @pickledsabs-blog - Tumblr Blog

When you miss your soulmate

Role changes

When I saw them argue I could help but admit that maybe it wasn't my stepfather who didn't change, maybe it was me who didn't let him change. The victim ended up becoming the abuser, and the abuser ended up becoming the victim.

Pain

I wish I knew what I could do to take some of his pain away, so he wouldn't have to go through it all on his own. I wish I knew what I could do to take some of his guilt away, so he wouldn't feel so bad when we help him. I wish I knew what I could do to take some of her heartbreak away so she wouldn't have to cry by herself. I wish I was stronger so she wouldn't feel like she always needed to be strong for us. I wish I knew what I could do to take some of their unhappiness away so all of them wouldn't be so miserable, sad, and angry at each other. I wish I knew what I could do to take some of their fear away, so they wouldn't be living in fear. I wish I knew what I could do to help. Haha but I guess I'm useless and I don't. I think I'm strong, but at the same time I'm not. I see him in pain, trembling, shaking and I don't know what to do. Knowing he is sick, and me knowing I'm not able to do anything to help him feel better, it's a terrible feeling I can't even describe with words. I see her sitting there quietly watching with tears rolling down her face because she's watching her son go through so much pain, and she doesn't know how to help him feel better. I see him feel like he's burdening us, even though we tell him he's not . I see both of them in so much pain, and I don't know what to do either . Knowing that she's worried about not worrying enough about me, kills me too. I know that even if I tell her I'm alright, her heart breaks when she sees me. Then I think of everyone else, going through things I probably can't imagine, and I'm just sitting here watching. Questioning myself over and over again, "what can I do? What am I supposed to do?"

How do you live life?

Everything we're doing seems to be wrong. Whether we cry or smile. Whether we blame or don't blame. Whether we hate or love. No matter what humans do everything just seems to be wrong. You can't make everyone happy. You can't be too selfish but you can't not be selfish. I wonder what the right way to live life is.

Thank You

My relatives have done a lot for us, not just this time, but before too. There have been some bad memories (which is normal) but mostly good. They’ve given us so much, and we’ve never done anything for them. I guess we’re the bad guys, the ones at fault. It’s understandable that they don’t want to associate with us. They have done so much for us, and we are so thankful. We are sorry they had to go through something like this. My mom said she saw my second great aunt today when she was at the hospital with my great grandfather, and she said she could tell that her aunt still loved her and worried about her. Even though my second great aunt was probably going through a lot beyond what we can imagine and her health in bad condition, she still showed my mom motherly love. She’s done so much for us, and never complained or anything. She took care of my brother when he was alone. I could tell my mom wanted to cry, but was holding it in. Her aunt that was like the mom she never really had, still loved her. We feel so bad that she had to go through a traumatic incident like this and that we weren’t able to be there for her. The money that we owe her, we want to repay her as soon as we come back to Taiwan next month. It’s been so long and she hasn’t said anything or pushed us even though she needs the money. Although the money can’t heal her from this incident, hopefully it can at least take some of the pressure off of her debts. She could have gone hysterical, but she didn’t. She held it in even though she didn’t need too

#family

A lot has happened in the past few weeks. I almost lost my brother, my mom almost lost her son. To others it may seem as if he is just someone who tried to commit suicide, but there’s actually more to it. Depression probably factors in, but my brother is actually ill. They call it early psychosis. It’s like getting cancer, you can’t control it, it just happens. My mom and I were going through a lot, and so were my relatives. They were the ones who saved my brother. My brain wasn’t functioning and I pretty much just shut down. If it wasn’t for my uncle, I probably would have done something stupid or starved myself. I probably hurt a lot of my relatives without realizing, I think in the beginning I was trying to find things or people to blame because sometimes it’s just easier to blame others, but in the end I couldn’t do it. They didn’t do anything wrong. So I began blaming myself. My uncle was with me pretty much the entire time except for two days. The two days I was by myself seemed like hell. I hated myself, for being so weak. For having emotions. For feeling scared and sad. For not really knowing how to react. When I was alone, to be honest I just wanted someone to come to check in on me, to hug me even though I said I was fine. But I hated myself for even thinking that because I knew I was being too weak. I don't blame my relatives for not coming in to check on me regardless, because I told them I was fine. How were they supposed to know? I would be filled with outrageous emotions and then all of a sudden just shut down and be cold. They told me that I would have to take care of my brother and mother from now own and to be honest that hurt me. It seemed as if they thought my mom and brother were going to be a burden to me. They’re not a burden, and I trust them. I know they would not let me carry all this by myself. I need them just as much as they need me. They’re my family. They told me countless times they were scared and I don’t blame them. They saw a lot of blood and a lot of episodes that night, so that’s why I cleaned up my brother’s room by myself. I cleaned his blood that was spread all over the floor by myself. It was my way of forcing myself to be stronger, even though I knew I couldn’t handle it. And after seeing all my relatives so tired and weak, how I could I possibly ask for help. My mom would take care of my brother during the day and would “switch shifts” with my uncle late at night to come back to be with me. My mom didn’t cry in front of my relatives, instead she smiled. She knew she had to be strong and she knew my relatives were in bad condition too, she didn’t want to worry them or make them feel even more exhausted. My third great aunt told me that because my mom smiled when she saw them, it seemed like my mom was faking it and actually blaming them and didn’t treat them as family. She said her daughters were going through so much and were so hurt and scared and I started hating myself even more. My heart wrenched because it seemed like my mother was someone evil. Even though she was just a heartbroken mom trying to be strong while at the same time protecting her family. I don’t blame my third great aunt though, she was just trying to protect her daughters. Seeing how they were going through so much, I tried to do everything by myself. I wonder if it was so wrong to accept the hands of people who reached out to help us. They made me feel like we betrayed them by accepting their help, but I just wanted my brother to get better. Was that so selfish? But again, I don’t blame them for feeling that way, everyone has their own point of view and their own feelings. While we were staying with my aunt in another city, my mom reached out to my third great aunt’s son because it seemed as if he was going through depression. She didn’t want another incident like my brother’s. Even though she still had my brother to worry about, she talked to him to make sure he was ok, and asked my uncle to talk to him too. After we came back to Taichung for my brother’s second evaluation, we wanted to have dinner with our entire family, but we were worried that they were scared of my brother. That it would trigger their fear. So we didn’t push and we gave them space. To be honest I didn’t really want my brother to see them either, because I wasn’t sure how they would react to him. How they would look at him. I know they hated my brother, and I didn’t blame them, neither did my mom, but you can’t blame me for being scared of how they’d treat my brother right? I remember telling my third great aunt that it honestly made me really sad and upset when people told me they hated my brother. Her eyes looked so cold and she started talking about my brother’s faults. I was upset and cried a lot, but I think they thought of it as me releasing my emotions and letting it all out. But I was really, depressed crying. I was hurt. But I don’t blame her, she was probably just protecting herself, but I wasn’t blaming her. I just wanted them to stop staying more negative things about my brother. Because every time they did, I hated myself more and more and my heart ripped apart over and over again. I am loved by a lot of people in my family, but my brother isn’t. There are a lot of relatives that love us both equally and the same, but also a lot that don't. A lot of them would compare me to my brother and tell him how I was a better person than he was, and to be honest that always hurt me. These people that I thought were my family were hurting someone that I love so much. I guess they did it for me, so I’m not allowed to blame them, but every time they did that, they made me hate myself even more, and hurt me tremendously. They slowly became like my stepfather, who I hate so much. Except I can’t hate my relatives, because they’re my family. My mom always taught my brother and I that no matter what happens, family is always most important. To be honest, my mother could have blamed everyone and said hurtful things even if they were illogical but she didn’t. She made sure I didn’t too. She told me everyone was going through something, and that we shouldn’t blame others or ourselves. Instead we should reflect on the past and use it to make a better future. My mom could have gone hysterical, but she stayed strong for me and my brother. She was thankful that her son was still alive and she just wanted to focus on him getting better. I know she didn’t do anything wrong. Neither did anyone else. Even when I would say things that weren’t really nice about my relatives my brother would stop me. He would tell me not to say things like that. That it wasn’t right or true. He was thankful that they saved him and sorry that they had to go through all this, he blamed himself. My brother may not be perfect, but he’s not a bad person. My mom told me that we couldn’t really change my brother, and we couldn’t change how others viewed him, but we can choose to love him with all our heart. I told her I was scared that people would love me and not my brother, scared that if I did something good, people would tell my brother how I was a better person than he was, I was scared that my brother wouldn’t be loved. But she told me the relatives that came to visit my brother and helped us loved my brother. The relatives that said they hated my brother probably did too, because they were the ones that saved him. My mom was grateful. She told me that most important of all, both her and I loved my brother, and that was really all that mattered. I’m a lot better now, and healed this quickly because of my mom. She made sure to keep me on the positive track, even though she was going through so much herself. She told me not to hate, not to blame, not to be angry. She told me to be thankful, grateful, and to love. My brother sometimes gets scared and anxious now but my mom and I make sure he calms down and we try to make him feel secure. I almost lost my brother, I almost had to live my entire life full of regret. But I didn’t, and I’m so thankful that he is by my side today. I am so thankful that they saved him. I’m so thankful for the people that supported us and helped us. We haven’t really talked to some of our relatives, because from the things they say, we get the feeling they don’t really want to see us, and that they aren’t really fond of us. But my mom and I decided that this is for the best, because at least this way they don’t hurt themselves. At least they blame us and not themselves. My mom, brother, and I still love them, and to be honest the only reason I think like this is because of my mom. She taught me to love, not hate. To be honest though, if they did want to hate or blame someone, I wish they would blame me. I can’t stand to see my mom or brother get hurt, it honestly makes me want to kill myself. The three of us hope our relatives can recover from this, and hope their health doesn’t deteriorate. We are trying to heal ourselves, it’s hard to help others heal when your own scars aren’t fully healed yet.

#mom life

The Jump

Today I walked along a bridge and felt like I was going to pass out. I grabbed the railing to steady myself, but as I looked over the handrail I thought how nice it would be if I just jumped. My brain would stop thinking and my heart would stop pounding so hard. But then I thought of my mom and my brother, that was the only thing that stopped me

#I feel alone life suicide

I’m not allowed

About a week before my 20th birthday, my mom and I get a call from one of my aunts at about 11pm. She told us that my brother was going insane, and she meant literally, not metaphorically. He was shouting about demons and running around the house with only a towel around his body. Then he cut himself in the chest with a knife and tried to commit suicide. My mom and I were in utter shock, we were in Japan so we weren’t there with him. My mom called my uncle who is still in school and asked him to take us to the airport. He asked what happened and my mother told him the situation. My uncle said he would come with us and we went back to Taiwan immediately the following morning. They had to call the police and the ambulance. We arrived the following night because our flight was delayed, and my third great aunt and her children came to pick us up and took us to the hospital. The hospital my brother was in was for psychiatric patients, as in people with mental illnesses. It was all too much for me, I didn’t want to go in. Eventually I broke down and started crying. My third great aunt hugged me and comforted me while my mom and uncle went inside. I went with my mom and uncle the next morning to visit my brother, and I could tell immediately he wasn’t, normal. The way he talked, acted, it sent chills down my spine. I wasn’t allowed to cry though, so I went in with a cheery attitude. To be honest I don’t remember if my mom stayed with him during the day or my uncle, my memory is hazy. Visitors are only allowed at certain times of the day, and only two visitors can go in at a time. There can only be one caretaker, and that person is allowed to stay for the entire day. My uncle would stay with my brother at night and my mom would stay with him during the day, and I would go with my mom in the morning and go back home with my uncle. I guess it’s not my home, it was my relatives home that they let us stay in. The next few days I was having conflicts within myself. Blaming myself, blaming others, but I kept telling myself that there was no use in making myself tired over those matters. I had to stay positive, and all that matters was my brother was alive. I kept saying I was going to clean my brother’s room, because there was blood everywhere and I wanted to clear out the room because otherwise my heart felt heavy, and I kept feeling like I owed my relatives something. I kept putting it off, and finding excuses for myself, no one pushed me, or said anything, but then again I was always hiding and running away. I put off cleaning the room for too long and my great aunt quietly told me that the room was starting to smell. My uncle wanted to take a couple of days off, and my mom and I wanted him to because he had also been under a tremendous amount of pressure, and we wanted him to regain his strength and positive aura. Since the first day, he never left our sides and was getting hardly and rest at all. He told me to wait for him until he came back, and that we would clean it together, but I didn’t want to wait any longer. Like I said, I kept feeling as if I was indebted and owed my relatives if I didn’t clean the room. The next morning I got up around 6am and headed over to clean the room. I brought my laptop and watched The Mindy Project because I was afraid I would freak out and get scared while cleaning off the blood. I didn’t feel anything though, I wasn’t sure it I was subconsciously pretending to be ok, or if I was actually okay. Eventually I found my brothers phone and his important documents so I brought it to my mom and ate breakfast with her. I decided not to go to the hospital because I felt I had negative aura and I think I was also afraid that I was only putting on a strong front and would start crying if I saw my brother. Afterwards I went back to clean the room even though she told me to go home and rest. She also called my youngest great aunt and asked her if I could stay at her house, and she said I definitely could. I felt secure around her and my uncle. After I went back to continue cleaning the room, I heard glass shatter while I was upstairs so I came down to see what it was. My second great aunt said a glass had fallen on the floor and she asked me where I was. I told her I was upstairs cleaning the room. She said some things but my mind checked out because it was so frazzled . I can’t remember what she said. Around noon, I decided to end my cleaning for the day, and prepare to go to my youngest great aunt’s house. I explained to my aunt and second great aunt who were downstairs that I would continue cleaning on Monday because I honestly didn’t know what I was supposed to keep and what I was supposed to throw away. My second great aunt told me to just keep the important stuff and throw the rest away so that my brother could be clean. Then she told me that honestly, one of my other aunts and her mom were scared to sleep at night and scared to be alone. And my other relatives faces didn’t look so good either. She told me to just keep the things I wanted and they would take care of the rest. But after hearing that people were scared and unable to be alone, my first thought about how selfish I was. I should have taken care of it earlier, I should haven’t have caused these people more trouble.At first I told my aunt that I would continue cleaning tomorrow because I mentally and emotionally couldn’t handle cleaning anymore. But when I returned to the room I was staying in, I started crying again. This time I just cried about how selfish I was and how useless I was and how I was too selfish and only thought about myself. I felt emotionally and mentally unstable, but the only thought in my head was that I had to take care of the room quickly. So I told my youngest great aunt that I didn’t want to go over because I wanted to finish cleaning the room and I kept telling her not to worry and that I would be alright. I think deep down I was telling myself that. Even though I knew I couldn’t handle cleaning anymore that day, I went back regardless. Then when I was cleaning, I just suddenly lost it. I thought, why couldn’t I be selfish. Why am I not allowed to be selfish. Other people can, and they can think for themselves and feel what they feel, but I’m not allowed to. They tell me I’m not allowed to cry because there’s no use in crying and they tell me to go back to America because it’s useless for me to be here and that I should hurry and go back to school and make money. But I just wanted to be with my mom and my brother, I wanted to be selfish and be with my family at least for a week after my brother ended up like this. But that’s not allowed, and I’m not allowed to blame anyone else because I always have to think about other people. I’m not allowed to get mad or blame others. The only person I’m allowed to blame is myself. They said I’m mature, but I’m human too. I have emotions too. Why do I always have to think about other people. Why can’t I be selfish too. Why didn’t I protect my brother when they yelled at him or told him they hated him. I wasn’t allowed to hate them, because I have to think about them, I always have to think about them and put them first. Why was I so weak, why didn’t I have more courage. I couldn’t blame them for hating my brother, in fact I had to owe them for even letting my brother stay there. In fact I owed them for letting my brother become like that, scarring them like that. I’m not allowed to blame others, only allowed to blame myself. I felt so alone, I wanted to cry out and I wanted someone to hug me and tell me that everything was going to be okay and that I was thinking too much, but that would be selfish. I have to be strong. I’m not allowed to be affected my this. I called my best friend and she didn’t pick up and I looked for someone else to call, but there was no one. My mom was in the hospital and I knew she was trying her best to be strong, and here I was crying, selfishly wanting comfort. My youngest great aunt sent me messages checking in on me, and asked me if I wanted her to help me clean the room and I desperately wanted to cry and say yes, but I told her it was ok and that I was okay. She told me that it was ok to ask for help and not to think too much about it, but I just kept telling myself that I wasn’t allowed to be selfish. My mom had told me to not to think about too much and to focus on being more positive and calming myself down, but again I thought, I’m not allowed to do that, because that would be selfish. I have to get through this on my own, I have to protect my brother and my mother, I can’t be weak. My relatives were going through a lot too, I’m not allowed to ask for help. Then I thought about my aunt that was scared , she always smiled when she saw me. Never said told me she was scared and kept acting fine around me and my mom. She wasn't selfish. Even at this point, I still have to think about others, but if I say it like that, is that being selfish. I didn’t see my brother that day, I didn’t see him get taken away in the ambulance, even though they hated him, the incident itself probably scared them and scarred them. So I’m not allowed to cry, to hate, to scream, to yell, to feel. I’m not allowed to be selfish. I can’t stop blaming myself, can only continue to hate myself. But I’m not allowed to think these thoughts either. What am I allowed to do. I can’t think about myself, I have to think about the others. I won’t apologize for my brother because I love him no matter what and I don't blame him for anything, but I’ll apologize to my relatives for my mom, brother, and I being born into their “family”. For bring all this to them. They probably blame my mom and my brother, but it’s not their fault. It's mine. I felt like I wanted to die so I got myself out of the room. Told my relatives I was going to take a shower and go to bed. But I felt like I was going to pass out. So I called a taxi and went to the emergency room. When I arrived at the hospital, the taxi driver told me to be careful in a very comforting voice. I had been throwing up a lot the past few days and I figured it was the stress getting to me but I decided to go anyways. I checked in myself and they hooked me to an IV drip and I laid in the hospital bed by myself. I could tell everyone was wondering why I was by myself, since everyone had someone by their side. There was a homeless man in the hospital, I didn’t have that much money but I gave him 100NT. No one told him to leave, I don’t think they were allowed to. He sat down a few seats over from me while I was waiting for the doctor, and the the nurse was over there and that I should tell them I wasn’t feeling well, and I nodded and told him i was just waiting, it was ok. He looked over at me and told me to take good care of myself because I looked terribly sick, and I told him thank you. I felt more at comfort with this homeless man then with my own relatives. He said thank you for the money and told me to take care and got up to leave. But a few minutes later he came back and sat down beside me again. He didn’t say anything though, I might be thinking to much but I think he was making sure that I got in to see the doctor ok, because when I came back he was gone. I laid in the hospital bed by myself, and the nurses came to check up on me frequently, I think it’s because they saw that I didn’t have anyone. I told my relatives I was sleeping at home and when my mom called I told her the same thing. Everything else is kind of a haze, but everyone I met on the way to the hospital and at the hospital were very caring and comforting. It was probably their job, but they didn’t have to be nice. I don’t think I’ve felt that secure in a while. I felt more secure and calm outside with strangers then I did with people I knew. Another thought in my head was that if my brother heals and comes back from this, am I allowed to be happy? Or do I have to think about everyone else problems. I want to, but is that wrong? Is that selfish? Even if I wanted to run away , I can’t and I don’t want to. Because all I want, is to just be with my mom and my brother again. I’m not allowed to let others worry about me because that’s selfish. I just have to smile and say I’m fine. Because I’m not allowed to be selfish.

#life brother suicide family selfish

thenordroom

Too much

I have so much to be thankful for, but I always let the negative things cloud my thoughts and overwhelm me. I’m thankful I have a place to live, food to eat, and an amazing mother who is always there for me. Sometimes though, I wish I could just stop time and just take a moment to relax. Then again, I guess everyone wishes that too. Everyday I worry about tuition and living expenses, but then sometimes I can’t resist my greed for things that I want. I always have to save up in case she finally decides to leave and we need the money, and it keeps me up at night whenever I think about my family in Taiwan and how everyone keeps arguing with each other. I hate my job, but not that many people like theirs. A job is a job though, and it pays the bills, I’m lucky to have one as well. Home is not home, so much fighting and yelling and anger, but I’m glad to have a roof over my head. I have two legs, two arms, a head, and decently good health. I should be thankful and not focus on the negative stuff. A part of me just still wants to jump off a bridge, but I can’t leave my mom behind. Not after everything she went through just to give me a better life. Does that make me selfish? I’ve never studied or worked so damn hard in my life, but my mom has worked so much harder than me and she’s been through a lot more than I have. I guess that’s what keeps me going. She’s toughed it out through thick and thin, I should be able to do the same. I will do the same, because after all, I am her daughter. And then someday, I’ll finally be able to give her the live she deserves.

#life #selfishness #mom