Pick Up The Pieces @pickupthepieces-2 - Tumblr Blog

COMPLAINING MAY BE HURTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

When we think of the variants that can destroy a relationship, we don’t often pinpoint “complaining” as one of them. Complaining is defined by Oxford Language as expressing dissatisfaction or annoyance about something, but I would like to go a little deeper and add Merriam-Webster’s definition - to express grief, pain, or discontent. At some point or another when you’re involved in a relationship, you may find something that your mate does or says that can annoy you. The problem is not communicating what the annoyance or discontentment is, it’s the way that you communicate the issue. When you continue to re-hash it over and over again, it breeds resentment not just in yourself, but in your mate as well. The latter usually leads to arguments or what my husband and I like to call “animated discussions”. You can avoid this pitfall, if you don’t allow yourself to become a fault-finder, where you’re always looking for something to complain about. When you want to communicate something to your spouse that you are absolutely irritated about, take a deep breath first & then choose how you say what you say carefully.

The best way to get your mate to understand how you feel and seek ways to change the behavior is not by making them feel as if they are an idiot or a failure. When the situation is isolated and you have not made it a habit to remind them of how much they disappointed you, they are more apt to receive what you’re saying and try to do it differently.

One of the best ways to provoke your mate to change is complimenting them first (try sharing things that they do that you like most), and then sharing with them what your dissatisfaction is while assuring them that you are confident in their ability to change what is affecting the relationship in a negative way so that they don’t feel attacked. When a mate is defensive, it’s very hard to penetrate the walls that may be up.

Next time, try rewarding your mate when you recognize even the slightest changes they are making because it allows them to know they are indeed making progress. Complimenting is defined by Oxford Languages as politely congratulate or praise (someone) for something; Merriam-Webster defines complimenting as an expression of esteem, respect, affection, or admiration. Complimenting is such the complete opposite of complaining and the results are much more positive.

Remember, if complaining is not helping the relationship, it’s hurting the relationship.

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JUST BECAUSE

When you truly love your spouse, you have an overwhelming sensation to express it. That feeling of seeing the one you love gushing over your sensitivity to what makes them happy is priceless.

Real love has no other motive than to be demonstrated. It’s genuine, pure, and spontaneous in nature. It’s divinely rooted in the sacrificial love of God. It’s not ashamed to be on full display so that there is no questioning of your why.

As time passes by, you must work hard to remind your spouse of the depth of your love. Don’t do it because you want or need something or you have some kind of motive behind it, do it JUST BECAUSE!!

The way to avoid the pitfalls that many couples find themselves in after they’ve been together for any real length of time is to focus on is not just living in the moment, but for the moment… JUST BECAUSE.

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HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW YOUR SPOUSE?

If someone were to ask you how well do you know your spouse, would your answer be what she has told you about herself or from you observing and studying them.

Could you answer what your spouse’s favorite color is, what is their favorite food, what is their favorite movie or favorite song? Where would your spouse’s dream vacation be? Would your answers be the same when asked how did you meet? Who made the first move?

Well, there any many couples who have been married for years without really knowing details about their spouse. I’ve been in couples’ gatherings and couples literally have gotten into heated discussions because their spouse didn’t know the answers to the questions above.

Communication is key in any relationship, but being privy to this information can only happen when you take time out to getting to know each other beyond the bedroom. We can be a better help to our spouse when we know their likes and dislikes. Talking to your spouse will reveal their pet peeves instead of finding out through trial and error.

Be intentional about learning those complicated things about your spouse. There are often things that have occurred in their past that they don’t like to talk about. Become the safe place where your spouse can feel secure sharing the most intimate details about them. Your spouse should feel comfortable being vulnerable with you. Transparency is necessary in marriage relationships.

Do your homework and be the best covenant partner you can be.

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TO EACH ITS OWN

Marriage is truly a sacred union and the dynamics in a marriage are not always the same. Whether you have seen what a healthy marriage looks like or not, you must do the work to make it work.

If you’ve gotten your advice from television or a movie, you can develop a fairytale idea of what marriage should look like. When you’re engaging in the company of other married couples, you really have to be careful not to compare your spouse to someone else’s spouse. It can be very damaging to your marriage relationship when your spouse senses or have been told by you that they should be like so and so’s spouse. STOP… do not pass go!!!! Make your spouse feel like they are the best thing since sliced bread.

We love seeing couples in a good solid relationship, but know that the grass always looks greener from the other side. Be sure that you’re not comparing your lawn to one that is filled with crabgrass. Looks can be deceiving and you don’t know what’s really going on behind closed doors.

You can make that same error in comparing your spouse to a parent, friend, or colleague as to how they function in their marriage. Allow your spouse room to grow and develop into who you need them to be. Share your feelings without bashing their efforts. Invest in your marriage, i.e. going to marriage retreats, couple events, or date nights where you are able to see how other couples interact in different settings.

No two marriages will look alike. We must learn how to do those things that work for our household. Your spouse may want a home cooked meal everyday or may want you to help out with the chores. These are things that should be discussed in pre-marital counseling. I advise any couple heading to the altar to have pre-marital counseling to help with those hard questions we often overlook or details we leave out when before we say I do.

Devise a plan together that works for you and your spouse. One that promotes a healthy environment for the entire family to thrive. That may not look the same for another couple, and its ok… to each its own.

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WORKING TOWARDS BETTER

A marriage relationship can get off to a rocky start when one or both spouses have differences of opinions of what the narrative is supposed to be like for their lives. When the honeymoon stage is over, real life begins and if you’re not fully prepared for what that looks like, it can be very discouraging.

Both spouses have to make the concerted effort to be present in fulfilling the vows and commitment that is expected. You’re not always going to agree, but you have to learn how to agree to disagree. You have to pick your battles. Spouses can spend a large amount of time trying to prove who’s right or wrong. You have to look at it from the angle that if one of us loses, we both lose.

The beginning stages of marriage is a learning process, one of which you will continue to do as long as you’re married. Even after you’ve dated for however long, once you get married it changes the narrative. You’re now in committed relationship on paper. There is a record of your union, so the option of just walking out when things get difficult is not an easy fix.

When you make the decision to stick with it, you will find that time helps us to mature, let me say that it should help us to mature. We must develop with a goal to become the best life partner that your spouse could’ve asked for. Marriage is about being selfless. It means that sometimes you have to put your spouse’s needs before your own. It is about having that synergy that keeps you in sync with each.

Don’t despair when you do have those “growing pains”, because sometimes it is an adjustment, a stretching of oneself to develop into who your spouse needs you to be. You have to keep the endgame before you. That means that you’re on a journey and you have a destination to get to and you have to be willing to do what’s necessary in order to make that happen.

You have to believe within that your spouse is worth taking the journey together to get to the place that you’ve dreamed about. When you’re building together, you have the help you need to make it happen. Don’t refuse the help that your spouse can give to you.

Not all couples have issues or difficulty in the beginning, but if you do that doesn’t mean that it’s not going to work out. Make a decision to stick with it without being disgruntled and/or negative; you’ll discover that better is the end of the thing than how you began.

Celebrate one another along the way as you build towards a future that is triumphant and victorious.

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GIVE A HELPING HAND!!!

Growing up I can remember my mother telling me if I saw a piece of paper on the floor that I didn’t drop to pick it up anyway. As a kid you think to yourself that the person who dropped it is the one who should’ve picked it up.

What happens when you grow up with that mindset though? You feel like you don’t have to clean up any mess that you were not personally responsible for. When you’re in a marriage relationship, however, there may be times when something happens and you may not be the one personally responsible for what went wrong. In the eyes of God, you’re one flesh and whatever cleanup is required, your spouse has a hand in it.

When situations arise that can be detrimental to you marriage, you cannot take on the mindset that you are not responsible for helping to resolve the issues that adversely affect your spouse. As a team, when one is affected the other spouse is affected too.

Give a helping hand to aid and assist your spouse in cleaning up the mess ups that have been made. Your spouse needs you when they have fallen short in the areas of your expectations and their responsibilities in your relationship. When you help your spouse, you are actually helping yourself.

Giving always sets you up for more. So endeavor to give a helping hand to your spouse. In marriage relationships there is no such thing as 50/50. Sometimes you have to carry 90% and your spouse 10% or vice versa. Other times you may be carrying 100%. It’s not about keeping score of who is doing more. Some of the marital problems that exist are not an easy fix, but when work together it’s a win win situation.

Giving a helping hand doesn’t mean that your spouse has no accountability in the situation. It just means that should they fall short, they can count on you to help pick up the pieces.

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TO HAVE & TO HOLD

When you hear those words, it is reminiscent of one of the promises you made on your wedding day. To have and to hold signifies the intimacy that married couples should experience it just on their wedding day but forevermore.

As time passes, the level of intimacy that we once enjoyed seems to be fleeting. Our lives began and now that the honeymoon is over and we’ve returned back to some state of normalcy, we find it more and more difficult to experience the type of intimacy that we both love expected.

When that happens, we have to find time to connect. We have to sometimes adjust our schedules so that we are not neglecting our spouse’s emotional and sexual needs. That means that things that have infiltrated our time and space now has to be re-organized so that we can have he flexibility to be nurturing to our spouse.

Everything that is taking time away from us spending those moments where we can just lovingly embrace and cuddle with our spouse has to be re-arranged so that the core of our family structure isn’t destroyed. Especially when we start a family, we must work that much harder to assure our spouse that they still matter. If we’re not careful, we will find ourselves spending more and more time nurturing others while our spouse is left on the back burner.

Endeavor to spend some quality time with your spouse. Sometimes that means carving our time or scheduling a date night or staycation where you can focus on what is important.. intimacy.

Don’t make unrealistic schedules where you disappoint your spouse over and over again, but sit down together so that you can plan to have more time simply enjoying the sweet embrace of your spouse.

Let your spouse know how important they are to you and how important it is that you don’t lose your intimate connection. In times like these you want to enjoy making good on your vow to have and to hold.

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UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

Oftentimes a spouse can have unrealistic expectations of their spouse which can lead to disappointment and ultimately emotional trauma within the relationship. Unrealistic expectations are when expectations that are not realistic in nature. When assumptions are made, it is most often due to a lack of communication. It is unfair to your spouse to have an expectation of them that you haven’t clearly communicated to them. This happens more times than not, believe it or not.

Yes, it’s wonderful thing and quite romantic when our spouse can deliver on an expectation that we didn’t verbally communicate to them. The chances of that happening consecutively, however, are slim. We have to be fair and communicate to our spouse what we are really expecting from them in regards to the simplest things. Doing so, leaves no room for error or misinterpretation.

Being married 33 1/2 years have taught me quite a bit in this particular area. I’ve always loved the fact that my husband is very attentive to me and my needs. While that is great, there were times when I simply assumed that he should know what I expected him to do without ever communicating with him. I got all in my feelings because my thoughts were, “he should’ve known”. Well how unfair and immature on my part. He’s a great husband, but he never claimed to be a mind reader. This taught me a very valuable lesson. Take time out to let your spouse in on what your expectations are whether it’s something you would like them to do, you would like them to take you, or you would like to hear them say.

Examples of unrealistic expectations:

Your spouse will complete you.

Your spouse should know your thoughts.

Your spouse is responsible for your happiness.

Your spouse should agree with you.

Your way is the right way.

You should all of your time together.

Your spouse won’t ever change.

If you have or have had these unrealistic expectations listed above, it’s time to sit down and have a real conversation with your spouse. Be willing to apologize for putting such extreme pressure on them to meet your expectations.

Understand that marriage isn’t a fairytale, but love is a beautiful thing when you both are in sync with each other. When your spouse wants to do their best to meet your realistic expectations, you have truly found someone special.

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LAUGHTER IS GOOD FOR YOUR MARRIAGE

“A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: But a broken spirit drieth the bones. - ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭17:22‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Every moment in marriage doesn’t have to be so serious. Couples should learn how to enjoy laughing together. For some of the things that you will experience in life, you will definitely have to laugh to keep from crying.

One of the reasons why so many marriages struggle is that one or both spouses allow the vicissitudes of life to weigh them down by focusing primarily on their problems and not on the solutions. It is a true saying that trouble don’t last always. It’s a true fact that life happens to us all. One thing we can’t do is to allow ourselves to lose our zest for life because trouble arises.

You can arise above it all. When your faith and trust is in God, you can laugh at some of the fiery darts that come your way. Laughing releases three chemicals in the brain which helpful to your health: dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins. Laughter is a great stress reliever.

I encourage every couple to take their daily dose of laughter. It will alleviate the tension that sometimes exist between spouses. Some of the ways that you can learn to laugh together is by thinking on those memories that are humorous, watch a comedy show or a movie.

Laughter doesn’t mean that you don’t take things seriously, it just means you know how to keep it light so that you and your spouse can encourage each other through life’s trials.

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STAY CONNECTED

When a marriage has suffered a breakdown in communication or a significant disconnection, picking up the pieces will require quite a bit of work on both spouses to establish reconciliation and to repair the breach.

Many times we really don’t understand the magnitude of the damage that has been done until we began to gather all of the broken pieces together. It is never a good idea to continue to replay nor remind your spouse of their shortcomings. You must take introspect of what areas/ways that you may have failed your spouse. When each spouse is willing to take responsibility for their actions, they have a greater chance to heal from their past choices/mistakes. When one spouse won’t let go and continues to live in the past, the journey will be that much harder to move forward toward hope and re-establishing trust. You have to be willing to give each other room to grow. Never use the Bible to control or manipulate your spouse. Pray that God would give you what your spouse needs so that they can become the best versions of themselves.

Learn how to be intimate again by doing simple things like when you first met. Holding hands is a form of intimacy that many don’t understand. Holding hands is a language in and of itself especially when it happens naturally. When you interlock hands, it lets your spouse know that there is no space between you. It is also reassuring and comforting at the same time. Practice holding hands “just because”; you will find that it helps in those moments when you don’t have or can’t find the words to say what your is feeling.

Be consistent when it comes to picking up the pieces. The rebuilding process isn’t about always getting it right, it’s about not taking one another for granted. Don’t forget to make every moment count. Even the small things can put a smile on your spouse’s face.

Tip

Spontaneity is a so important in a marriage relationship. When you’re rebuilding, make sure your efforts don’t appear forced. Do what comes natural. Try holding hands while watching a movie, walking through the mall or park, or when you’re having dinner.

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CAN’T TAKE IT BACK

In relationships, the way we communicate is very important. How we communicate to one another can be very destructive. It is important that when we’re angry or upset with our spouse that we do not hurl negative words or lash out with our tongue because you can never take it back. Those awful words that we release to our spouse will leave scars upon scars open and susceptible to infections within the relationship. Always step back to think before you speak. What you say next can literally destroy your spouse.

How many of us as adults are still reeling from the negative words that may have been spoken to us when we were kids? We must protect our spouse even from ourselves. We can hurt the very one that we have vowed to love. No matter how many times you may apologize, the fact remains that you can’t take it back. Your relationship can be jeopardized because we allowed ourselves to respond out of our emotions. Keeping a handle on our emotions during a disagreement can prevent this from happening. We are responsible for making our spouses feel secure in the marriage relationship. Your spouse should always feel safest with you. So even when our spouse may hit that nerve and totally leave you speechless, you still have the responsibility to keep them from harm even if it’s from you. So the next time you find yourself in a situation where you’re angry or really disappointed with your spouse, don’t be hasty in speaking your mind. Remember, you can never take back negative words. It was a lie when we were told as children, “that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt”. If you keep that in mind, your disagreements can be resolved much sooner. Never speak out of anger, it could cost you your marriage.

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CLARITY IS KEY

When a relationship has suffered any kind of trauma to its foundation, the most important thing to do is to assess the damage. After the damage has been assessed, then you must begin to look for its cause(s). This shouldn’t be rushed. In order to have a thorough and in-depth assessment, you can’t rush the process. Take time to sift through the areas that have suffered the most damage.

Moving forward means you’ve both decided in the final assessment and that you’re willing to pick up the pieces and begin again. When looking at it through both sets of eyes, it can look like a real mess. You both have to keep seeing it through God’s eyes, while you’re picking up the pieces. What you had before is definitely worth fighting for. No one promises that it will be easy, but it is POSSIBLE.

Clarity is key to your rebuilding process. Make no assumptions, but be intentional to make sure there are no blurred lines and that everything is crystal clear.

It’s A 9-1-1 Emergency!!!!

Most of us can identify that a 9-1-1 call means that there is some type of emergency that requires immediate attention. The problem is that many couples don’t seek help at the onset of trouble. Either mate can feel that seeking help opens up their marriage relationship to scrutiny from an outsider. However, an outsider, or what I like to consider someone who can remain neutral without taking either side, actually can see far better than those who are on the inside.

When we say that we love our spouse, we should be willing to take those necessary steps in helping to maintain a healthy marriage relationship. Baring all does mean a level of vulnerability that you may not be accustomed to, but in the long run it will definitely bring about a greater ending than if we just “let the pieces fall as they may”.

It’s important that one or both spouses recognize that there is an emergency. In the natural sense we know that based upon something that needs assistance outside of our realm of expertise. So it’s critical for the survival rate of a marriage relationship that you don’t wait too long before making a call for help. When you see certain symptoms which identify that this is something that it isn’t going to go away on its own, make the call.

Don’t wait until your marriage is on life support before reaching to someone who has the defibrillator or equipment that can give the needed shock back to life. As long as your marriage has a pulse, there is hope. Emergency workers know how to assess your vitals, but they’re checking to see if they can assist you on their level of experience or if you need to be taken in for some further attention.

So don’t neglect to perform a wellness check with your spouse to chart the progress or problems that they may be experiencing. You can ask these questions to give you a feel as to any areas that may appear to have been broken over time that needs immediate attention (don’t be afraid of their honesty, it will help us to grow).

1. Do you feel like you’re still a priority in our marriage relationship?

2. What are some of the things that you need from me to help fulfill your expectations in this marriage relationship?

3. Can you identify the area(s) in our marriage that I need work on. Not necessarily broken, but needs reinforcement?

Questions like these help us to re-evaluate ourselves and make the necessary tuneups to keep our marriage relationship healthy.

Do your marriage a solid and seek help before the problem(s) becomes fragile or irreparable.

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Most marriages and relationships at some point will face some type of adversity that can ultimately shatter into pieces. It is so much easier to look at the fault of the other person without really assessing the areas that we, ourselves, may be at fault. However, if a marriage is going to survive, we have to be willing to make the necessary repairs to restore what has been broken.

At times, it seems as if the only recourse is to get out of the situation because what you are staring at, seems irreparable. I believe that love is worth fighting for. Yes, heading for the door may look like the right thing to do in the moment, but what you will leave behind is more valuable than you can comprehend.

You must challenge yourself to be the bigger person. When we can see marriage as a team, we understand if we walk out we are leaving our team behind to fight the battle. So both spouses must be willing to put their feelings aside and partake in the cleanup. Whenever you handle situations or make decisions in your emotions, it will most likely produce unwanted results.

When you choose to pick up the pieces, you have to be very careful because those pieces are very fragile and can do further harm, so working together is the best way to make sure that all of the pieces have been picked up.

While you’re picking up the pieces, you must ask yourself in what way did you contribute to the damage to your spouse. You have to be honest in the fact that this was not just on one person, both spouses knowingly or unknowingly had a part to play.

The beauty in picking up the pieces is that in so many instances, you can repair what has been broken. It may take a little more effort and much more time, but it can be done.

The beauty of love is such a magnificent masterpiece. It’s intricate details are creative touches are what makes your relationships stand out from others.

As you both walk towards reconciliation, which is what picking up the pieces represent, you will discover a love that you never experienced before.

Ponder on these scriptures the next time the thought of walking away crosses your mind just because something got broken…

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:4-8‬ ‭NIV‬‬.

https://bible.com/bible/111/1co.13.4-8a.NIV

Remember, it’s never too late to pick up the pieces.

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