Hiya! Have any of the mods experiences a similar situation? Recently, my mother has been denying my trans-ness(?) by saying my autism clouds what gender truly is and my trauma makes me want to "reject being a girl" since i'm ftm. I don't know what to say to convince her otherwise, so if any of the mods could share their experiences/help me make a script for talking with her that would be so helpful <3 (Can this please be tagged as TrashRat?)
My mother does not know about my trans status, but she does know about me being queer.
I’ve actually been thinking about this for myself, whether feeling uncomfortable identifying as / being called a woman may be related to autism and / or trauma for me, but I have only told two people so far and both people have been amazingly laid-back and supportive. So unlike anon I don’t have anyone denying my experience / gender, and the potential link between my autism and trauma and my gender identity is rather something I’ve been considering for myself, as a part of self-reflection.
(I’m not sure in how far I’m qualified / allowed to speak on this though? I am technically non-binary so I do feel the “what is my gender linked to” thing (also, it doesn’t really matter? the result is the same, trauma or autism or no), but I don’t ID as trans?)
This is a thing that I’ve found hard to figure out as well. I have pretty strong alexithymia and so it’s a toss up on whether or not me going into shutdown when I’m referred to as a woman is because I can’t cope with the shift to woman from girl, or that it’s fatphobic comments that have been made in the past or it’s dysphoria?? (Spoiler: I’m pretty sure it’s all of these)
As I mentioned in my intro post though, I definitely think that being autistic affects the way I perceive my gender. I haven’t told anyone about questioning my gender but I do identify as trans and it is a very real fear for me to end up in a similar situation with doctors if I decide I do want HRT at some point.
I think though that even if anon’s gender is affected by being autistic and trauma, that doesn’t make their being ftm any less valid. It’s still who they are at this point.
Long Post. For which I apologize. This is, however, my expertise. It is also something that I have experienced, after a fashion - or as Mod Rage said at our conference, “How I autism affects how I gender. How I gender affects how I autism.”
Okay, so, Mod Rage and I just got back from Gender Infinity, which is a gender conference largely for professionals, including medical doctors, therapists, psychologists, etc. Basically, anyone who has anything to do with gender.
I was there as a speaker speaking on this exact subject. This is what I study. This is what I am published in, this is what I write on, this what I speak on, this is my life. The experts in gender were there to learn from me and my team, which spanned activism, psychology, sociology, and biochemistry. I feel absolutely confident claiming that I am an expert in this intersection.
Autism very often does cloud our perception of gender. It does not cloud our judgement of gender. Quite the opposite, because of the effort that we put into to existing in the world around us, we often have a better judgement of our judgement than most people.
There is at least a tenfold increase in clinical gender dysphoria among autistics, but my professional opinion is that this is absolutely a low estimate because of flaws in the studies - namely, most of the studies rely on binary identification of male and female gender and/or they rely on identification by parents, guardians, or caretakers.
Some gender clinics are reporting up to a 30% increase in autistic diagnoses in their client bases than are expected in the general population. One of the panels I attended was hosted by a psychologist speaking, in part, about these specific concerns. They went so far as to suggest that we should consider whether or not autism should be screened for as a matter of course in gender clinics.
This idea that autistics cannot judge gender comes from the idea that we inherently lack “theory of mind” - but whose theory of mind? I am sitting here, typing this up right now. I am aware of the complexities and nuance of gender and autism - so much so that others consider me an expert (particularly where the sociological aspects are concerned).
Like, I personally have a clinical diagnosis for both gender dysphoria and for autism spectrum disorder, the latter of which came from one the directors of a major autism clinic. Clearly, I have some level of what is going on.
Gender is, in part, an internalized sense of self. Having any sense of gender at all completely undermines the very theory that is used to discredit us.
Autism absolutely affects how feel our gender, but it does not prevent us from judging our gender. At the end of the day, you are the only expert on your autism, and you are the only expert on your gender.
At the end of our panel, we were asked a very probing questions by one of the psychologists. Should we be viewing treatment of Gender Dysphoria as a treatment for autism. And the answer is yes, it is a secondary path to treatment. This is the information that the psychologists and psychiatrists and therapists are taking back to their gender clinics.
I want to be absolutely clear, we are advocating for these ideas. We are offering personal and community insight to these ideas. And we are studying these ideas.
There was a (allistic) psychologist at the conference who does already have the Ph.D. behind her name and she was presenting the very same ideas we were from a clinical perspective - it actually worked out that she shared case studies, introduced these topics, asked questions to get other professionals to reconsider their perspectives, and then by either excellent coincidence or brilliant planning, our panel followed and answered many of those questions and challenged those professionals to examine how exactly this kind of gatekeeping arises because of misperceptions of autism.
From a clinical perspective there is something else that is exceptionally important to consider. The DSM does not shy away from stating when and why comorbid diagnoses cannot occur (like how Selective Mutism is not a comorbid diagnosis). Gender Dysphoria is not excluded from autism, and autism is not excluded by dysphoria. More to the point, under autism it specifically says to diagnose other comorbidities if the criteria fit.
What is entailed with gender dysphoria as a diagnosis? Well, you only need two of the criteria to make the diagnosis, and these are the two easiest criteria to make:
A strong desire to be some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender.
A strong desire to be treated as some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender.
That is it. Just, I want be a different gender, I want to be treated like a different gender. This, by the way, is the criteria for gender dysphoria that was met in the case study of a significantly non-verbal autistic presented by a psychologist in the workshop before ours. This autistic spoke two sentences and only when people called him “her” or “she” or another feminine pronoun.
Within nine months of treatment for gender dysphoria, he was holding conversations both inside and outside clinical settings. When we say that treating gender dysphoria is paramount to autistic health and mental health, we mean in big ways. This. Stuff. Matters.
So the big question is, well, how do you address this with your mother? I’m not sure. The only thing I can tell you is the science, and why people treat us this way. My experience tells me that someone that is going to use that to dismiss your experiences is going to continue to do so for the most part, and that the best way to handle it is it is safe to do so is just to be persistent.
If she is someone that responds to scientific articles, there are a few that can help but they can be pretty heavy (send me an ask to @candidlyautistic if you would like those).
In the meantime, here is a report from Specturm, which is the news outlet for an autism research group. You might find some useful articles here. Articles are listed from newest to oldest. The first two are specifica articles about autism and gender identity, while the last is a general portfolio of autism and sex/gender stuff that will have a lot of stuff that isn’t helpful.
https://spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/living-between-genders/
https://spectrumnews.org/news/new-clinical-guidelines-address-gender-dysphoria-autism/
https://spectrumnews.org/features/special-reports/sexgender-in-autism/
I hope that you find an approach that works well for talking to your mother.
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