Revolting
When you were 14 you were sitting at the lunch table with the other freshman you had just met, eating a bag of chips. The boy next to you said "you really don't need to be eating any more than you already do," loud enough for the whole table to hear. So for the next four years you never ate a single thing at school.
When you were 15 you sat in the bathroom with your computer crying over the toilet. Just scrolling through pictures of beautiful women online. You kept trying to throw up but you couldn't. Why can't you look like that? Why will you never be pretty enough? How is your boyfriend supposed to want you when women like this exist? Sure, he likes you just fine, but you know he'd be much happier if you looked like these girls. Why can't you look like that for him? No one is ever going to look at you as the most beautiful thing in the world, when pictures like that are out there.
When you were 16 you lost so much weight you couldn't play sports anymore.
You wouldn't post pictures of yourself online because of how fat you looked.
Every time you saw a friend from middle school they would talk about how great you looked. But they were just being nice, because your stomach was disgusting.
You're 17 and the thought of certain women makes you feel nauseous. Your boyfriend said she was pretty, so obviously he wishes you looked like her. You can remember every single comment he's ever made towards another girl, every picture he's liked, every word he has said. If he's not in love with your body then he hates it. Just like you do.
"That's my wife" is stuck in your head. You're sorry you'll never look like that. You're sorry that he's settling for you when he really wants something better. Of course personality matters most, but he's never going to be as attracted to you as he is to them.
You're 18 and you get raped by 2 of your best friends.
In your own house.
They leave and you're left there shaking. And you feel bad. But not for yourself. You feel bad because your boyfriend is going to think less of you. This kind of stuff has happened before but you never thought twice about it. But now that you have a boyfriend you're scared. Your body wasn't worth anything when it belonged to you. But now that it belongs to him you feel betrayed.
He said he didn't blame you but he did.
So he broke up with you because it was too hard on him.
Your body is the most important thing about you.
You're 19 and you've gained 50 pounds. You're body's only good for sex, and your personality isn't needed anymore.
You're 20 and "people are only insecure for attention." So you can't be. You can't admit to being. Being insecure isn't cute anymore. Being insecure is stupid and childish. You don't need people's pity. You have to fake preach self love.
Your body isn't good enough for your boyfriend, so he talks to prettier girls behind your back. He doesn't mean it, but you don't fulfill everything that he needs.
You tell yourself that you are beautiful whether he realizes it or not. Because that's what you're supposed to tell yourself, even if you don't believe it.
You tell him he doesn't deserve you and that you are worth so much more, while you lay in bed crying about how useless you feel.
You tell yourself that you don't need a boy to tell you your worth.
You tell yourself that as long as you're happy with yourself, no one else's opinion matters.
You tweet out the fake self love you pretend to have, and mask your insecurity with a joke.
Because you declare that "you're finally able to make yourself happy," when we all know deep down you really can't.
