PATIENT INFORMATION LEAFLET
70s ROCK TABLETS
(Groove-Based Therapy with Sideburns™)
Active Ingredients:
• Riffs heavier than your emotional baggage
• Vocals that sound like whiskey fighting God
• Drum solos that last longer than your last relationship
• Denim molecules fused with cosmic stardust
• Trace amounts of dragon mythology and sexual confusion
What 70s Rock Tablets Are and What They’re Used For:
70s Rock Tablets are used to treat:
• Weak groove reflexes
• Disconnection from the eternal rhythm of the cosmos
• Inability to air guitar with conviction
• Overexposure to sanitized modern playlists
• Sudden lack of swagger or mojo (clinical term: “Funk Deficiency Syndrome”)
Dosage:
Take one extended-release tablet daily. Warning: each dose may contain 13-minute tracks with six guitar solos and a spoken-word breakdown about cosmic energy. Do not operate light machinery or feelings while under the influence.
Possible Side Effects:
• Aggressive appreciation for vinyl
• Uncontrollable headbanging
• Hallucinations involving Robert Plant
• Sudden motorcycle purchases
• Minor bouts of philosophy during the bridge of “Stairway to Heaven”
Do Not Take If:
• You dislike guitar solos longer than your lunch break
• You refer to all classic rock as “dad music”
• You have a pacemaker set to the BPM of disco
• You are frightened by the word “Zeppelin”
Storage Instructions:
Keep inside a record sleeve behind your lava lamp. Ideal temperature: somewhere between “basement jam session” and “desert at dusk.” Do not store near disco balls. Results may become… conflicted.
In Case of Overdose:
Lie flat. Turn up Pink Floyd. Let the soul leave the body. You’ll return when the drum solo ends.









