time and time again

a place to organize thoughts of a 19 year old

[pilarprinted]

fearful

A terminal brain tumor and suicide are surprisingly the same, each shows a destructive path that leads to mortality. The terminal brain tumor path being the rapid set of symptoms that make the tumor deadly and painful to witness. The cognitive decline is heartbreaking and breathe stops. The path of suicide being the worsening of depression, heavy sighs, and isolation.

I heard the panic and mania that I believe is the embodiment of trauma my grandma buries. The constant worry and worsening anxiety coupled with the stuttering and mania hidden in her words. The breathlessness of trying to explain how to wash the comforter for her son that stinks and it shouldn’t stink. It can't. It needs to be fixed right away because if her son was unhappy he was going to slip out of sight. The panic and neediness to get this done to make sure her son will be there when she gets back. I can hear her confusion and worry when she can’t think of the word and the more I hear her listen to the ore my heart begins to break and shatter as the realization of my grandmother no longer being here does to my heart. I can't imagine a life where she is not by my side or a hop and a skip away. I need her to back up my plan. She was my caretaker, the one who always needed everyone to be happy to their fullest heart’s content.

[pilarprinted]

My mind is foggy. My mind is usually racing, bouncing from thought to thought without slowing down. But now, right now I feel like I’m in the middle of a tsunami. I’m one small human in the midst of a giant wave, a surge that is colossal. The wave is crashing through buildings and doing major damage that will take millions to fix and years to repair. I’m just in the middle, trying to avoid debris and tree branches that could injure me. But one catches my arm and rips through my skin. I can feel the sting but it is manageable, I won’t think about it. It did not damage any major arteries. I think I’m in the clear but then a phone line catches my leg and I’m stuck in place. I’m no longer floating and riding the surge but I’m now stuck. I’m stuck trying to avoid the oncoming branches and waste. The water is still flooding in while I’m stuck in place. The water begins to rise and I slowly can’t breathe and water fills my lungs. As I’m under the water a car comes and traps me between a cement wall and the car. I can’t move and I move my arm trying to escape but instead, I cut open my hand on a broken windshield. Everything is happening and my mind is still. No racing thoughts, just a blank slate. I can’t even try and focus on what to do. I can only allow my body to be beaten and mangled by this tsunami. I hope that my mind will begin to race again with solutions and ways to try but I’m left with a still mind while the environment that surrounds me moves at a pace too rapid for me to even comprehend, to understand that it is moving that fast.

[fossegrimm]

sunset in the library

[galina]

Libraries are so dreamy, New York Public Library is no exception 🕯

[artoftimburton]

[vincentpaper]

reblog / like if you save them.

[prettiestgirlinthemorgues-blog]

Lucifer by Paul Fryer

[highways-are-liminal-spaces]

Louvre Museum in the rain, Paris, France

Taken June 2019

[speciesbarocus]

The Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York.

[mobpsycho100]

[mobpsycho100]

[pilarprinted]

where will this end?

thank you. I don’t know if ill ever be brave enough to say it to your face. You made me feel loved and like I was on top of the world. i think we had such an ‘us’ start to this and i truly believe you never wanted to hurt me. That’s how you are, it’s really beautiful because you’re so caring but keep that hidden. you never told me about what happened in that one damning relationship. I really miss those little moments, when we hugged and would just look at each other and everything melted away, how loved, appreciated, and supported I felt by you that one night. but that’s the thing, it was one night. i’m sure you supported me all the time but I deserve to feel it fully all the time. I deserve to be loved fully. I struggle to really believe you loved me if you were still in love with her. This was my first relationship and I didn’t even know if i loved you when i said it. I still don’t think i know. i still want to be your best friend but i don’t think that’s going to be possible. you know i’ve racked my brain analyzing the relationship so many different ways, trying to figure out how you felt in a moment and trying to guess how you feel about me but honestly i could never crack the case that was you. i think after having you be, whatever label we never chose, i feel really alone. I feel like i lost you and i’ve never crossed your mind again. I was something fun that occupied your time. And i can’t help but blame myself, i dove head in to the deep end. Water now filling my lungs as I sink to the bottom while watching the sun hit the water as I now sit in the deep end with the aftermath of my leap. the thing is, I don’t blame you and i shouldn’t, it’s my fault but that’s so hard to accept. Another failure in the books for me. I try to look forward to the future and to the next relationship I’ll have, but then i think back to ours, and i smile. my hearts feels a tug and I get pulled right back to reality. it was never ours and I looked through rose colored glasses. I don’t know where this will end up but i need to move on and get clarity from you. I need you to do that for me. 

[vintagemuseums]

Tête de diplodocus, Muséum d'histoire naturell, Paris [ Diplodocus Head, Muséum d'histoire naturell, Paris ], 1908.

[callmeinferno]

Penso spesso che la notte è più viva 

e intensamente colorata del giorno.

—  Vincent Van Gogh

[s-sunfl0w3r-r]

[moma-a-day]

G greatest show of worth from circus alphabet / corita kent, 1968

[pilarprinted]

brand new (march 3, 2020)

this feeling I have is completely new and I don’t know how to handle it. The thought of you and kissing you gives me butterflies and I can’t help but smile. The truth serum that comes with drinking gave way to this brand new thing we are going through. We both do not want to mess this up so we keep it in a fog. The only light being how we feel around each other and for each other. And to think we have both been feeling this way for two months and last night I asked you if you were in love with me and you said yes. You gently kissed my neck and ear, I smiled and I asked how long you had been feeling this way. We both spilled our feelings out and then you told me that you wanted to kiss me at the duck pond. You corny sweet motherfucker. We went and kissed and you picked me up and I was so happy just being in your embrace. We fell asleep and woke up, got ready together and you kissed me during my favorite song. You hugged me from behind and we sang the last verse together and you kissed me and left. The entire day I craved your lips and company and sweet demeanor. I can't wait for the next time you grab my face and tilt my head up to meet your lips. Smile as you scatter kisses and bites across my neck. You made me so happy and I can’t believe for once my feelings are reciprocated and I am given love and affection from someone who feels this connection I do too. I fucking miss your lips and it hasn’t even been twelve hours.

[pilarprinted]

juggling

I feel like I am juggling so many different aspects of my life but for once it is not mentally fucking me up. I am happy to juggle and play a game of Tetris with my life: friends, school, love life, family, and myself. It’s somewhat a form of entertainment for me and a challenge to not mess anything up.