fearful
A terminal brain tumor and suicide are surprisingly the same, each shows a destructive path that leads to mortality. The terminal brain tumor path being the rapid set of symptoms that make the tumor deadly and painful to witness. The cognitive decline is heartbreaking and breathe stops. The path of suicide being the worsening of depression, heavy sighs, and isolation.
I heard the panic and mania that I believe is the embodiment of trauma my grandma buries. The constant worry and worsening anxiety coupled with the stuttering and mania hidden in her words. The breathlessness of trying to explain how to wash the comforter for her son that stinks and it shouldn’t stink. It can't. It needs to be fixed right away because if her son was unhappy he was going to slip out of sight. The panic and neediness to get this done to make sure her son will be there when she gets back. I can hear her confusion and worry when she can’t think of the word and the more I hear her listen to the ore my heart begins to break and shatter as the realization of my grandmother no longer being here does to my heart. I can't imagine a life where she is not by my side or a hop and a skip away. I need her to back up my plan. She was my caretaker, the one who always needed everyone to be happy to their fullest heart’s content.












