Jan. 8
January 8, 10:06 P.M.
One thing I dislike is how believing in love is considered “idiotic” and “lame”. People are too afraid to express feelings of affection in fear of being seen as a hopeless romantic. In fact, being vulnerable is considered a major character flaw.
Personally, I have always had an all or nothing mentality when it comes to life. If I’m interested in something, I easily become addicted and obsessed with it. All my friends know how I am with sweets. I remember a time in my life where I drank boba every day during the summer. (Fortunately, I am drinking boba more in moderation now to save money and for my health.)Â
When it comes to love, I have the same viewpoint. I don’t believe in being lukewarm with your emotions; if you love someone, you should want to devote your whole heart to them.
I always jokingly flirt with people and develop superficial crushes very easily but falling in love is something I consider very serious to me. I have only fallen in love once and that whole experience took my life by storm.Â
When I was stationed in Okinawa, Japan, I fell in love very unexpectedly. A new guy came to my unit two months after me and I felt instantly drawn to him. I even told my roommate how I really wanted to be his friend the first day after meeting him. It all started when he moved two doors down from my room in the middle of the night on a field day. Feeling pity for him and his roommate, I remember offering my cleaning supplies to him and going out of my way to offer cleaning tips to him because I didn’t want them to fail and face the wrath of our sergeants.
Later on, I coerced him into giving me his Starburst candy since according to him, I was apparently “staring intensely” at his candy so he felt compelled to share.
We dated for two and half years and I am thankful for the relationship we had. I am going to be honest; I was pretty toxic at the beginning of our relationship. I was incredibly clingy and at times, controlling. I loved him so much and wanted to spend every moment with him. It took me a long time to understand that codependency isn’t healthy, and you need space to breathe in a relationship.Â
The connection we had was deep and I never felt like I could be my true self with anyone else until I met him. He knew everything about me: the good, the bad, and the ugly. When I was suffering with mental health issues and was in and out of the hospital, he stood by my side and tolerated my emotional outbursts. When I sprained my foot before our trip to Osaka, he piggybacked me through the whole airport. When I would talk in a ridiculous baby voice, he played along with my antics.Â
The last 10 months of our relationship destroyed our relationship as we transitioned to being long distance, as he was stationed in mainland Japan and me, in California. I could say that part of it was the distance and sixteen hour time difference, but I think I knew deep down our relationship would eventually reach this end. I let myself become too engulfed by my relationship that I neglected myself. I only cared about his happiness, and I let some of my own ambitions go. My thoughts became consumed with him and not having him around all the time drove me to insanity and another bout of depression. Our calls and messages became less frequent, and I could tell that he was falling out of love for me. I should have ended the relationship a lot sooner, but I was determined to make things work, even if it meant it was only me putting in the effort. I spent six months feeling hopeless with our relationship and in between wanting to fight or break things off as each of my concerns would go unanswered. Eventually, I finally pulled the plug, ironically, on Valentine’s Day.
It’s crazy to think that it’s almost been a year since our breakup. I spent six of those months crying often and reminiscing about the good memories we had. When I finally started school full-time again, I felt it easier to cope with the breakup as I became busier. Today, I still think about him from time to time, but I no longer hold resentment or sadness over what’s happened. I’m glad that he taught me a lot of things about love and myself and I know what I need to improve on the next time I enter a relationship.
As of right now, I am not actively seeking a relationship. Ideally, I don’t want to date someone until I feel that my life is more in order: when I have purchased a house, settled into my career field, and have accomplished most of my goals that I have for myself. Sometimes I envision how I will meet my future soulmate. Will it be while we are both waiting for our drinks at a boba shop? Will his dog chase after me at the beach? Will he be someone that I first dislike, then grow to love? We all know that life never works to plan and something like love always comes at random times. Knowing my luck, I’ll probably literally crash into them like those cliche romantic comedies.
We can all agree that falling in love is incredibly scary. You put your heart at the mercy of someone else and risk getting hurt. The pain of heartbreak is unlike no other; I would rather be physically hurt than suffer the pain I felt from my first breakup. Despite this, I still remain optimistic of love. Being able to share your happiness with another person is what makes pursuing love worthwhile.Â
I wholeheartedly admit that I am a hopeful romantic. I believe in the beauty of love and I know that it will come to me someday when I am ready. I am that lame person that enjoys blasting cheesy love songs. (I have a Spotify playlist titled Songs 4 When You Be Crushin’, don’t hate xD). I also have a whole list of cute date ideas I want to execute when I date someone again. Something I am looking forward to is watching the sunset with them while we are contemplating the meaning of our existence or dragging them to wait thirty minutes with me to get an overly priced boba. I want to be those old couples that actively make the effort to continue to date each other and be affectionate. All I know is that the next time I fall in love I am going to fall in deep, perhaps even irrationally, but I am completely fine with that. I am going to announce my love loudly from the rooftops, with no care of what others think of me.Â
Until then, I need to get my shit together so I can be not only a better person, but a better future partner.Â
End: 11:07 P.M. WC: 1194
