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Violet Beaugarde

(Willy Wonka gathers the ticket winners in the contract room of his factory. No one can go on until everyone has signed a contract of agreement. The families are dazed as Willy explains the rules and regulations with his own brand of somersaulting words.)

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] Goodness, is that the time? (sung) Our schedule has no room for intros Languid and rubato Accelerate right to the verse And play it molto presto and staccato!

What zigzag roads and fickle fates Have led you to my chocolate gates? I’m sure the stories would enthrall But time is racing by us all I’d love to rhyme a riddle or two But there’s so much time, so little to do… “So much time, so little to do…”? Please, strike that! Reverse it! I meant the other way

It doesn’t take a Sigmund Freud To see I’m charmed and overjoyed But pardon if I start to fret We’ve not begun our journey yet No time to borrow or delay What’s here tomorrow’s gone today… “What’s here tomorrow’s gone today…”? Whoops, strike that! Reverse it! My tongue has feet of clay

You’ve bid the tasteless world adieu To chew the goo awaiting you But scurry for the Wonka clock keeps ticking Inside those doors the floors are sweet There’s rugs and carpets you can eat And best of all the wallpaper needs licking!

This day of punctuality Is scheduled to the nth degree I wish that there was time to share My thoughts on make-up, clothes and hair (spoken) Madam…

[MRS. TEAVEE, spoken] Yes?

[WILLY WONKA] Sine qua non and entre nous Your foot is on the other shoe [MRS. TEAVEE, spoken] Oh my god!

[WILLY WONKA] Please, strike that! Reverse it! Let’s get on with our day (spoken) Frau Gloop!

[MRS. GLOOP, spoken] Oh, Mr. Vonka, Guten Tag!

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] Wilkommen. And you must be Augustus. Goodness, you look so faaaa…ntastically healthy. I could eat you up. Except I’m on a diet. Speaking of diets, I must confiscate your sausage.

[AUGUSTUS, spoken] But zat’s my lunch!

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] Not anymore… You may go first, but lose the wurst.

[AUGUSTUS] That’s sad because I love ‘em

[WILLY WONKA] To lead our group, Augustus Gloop! For who could lose sight of ‘im?

[CHARLIE, GRANDPA JOE, VERUCA, MR. SALT, VIOLET, MR. BEAUREGARDE, MIKE & MRS. TEAVEE] Yes, who could lose sight of ‘im?

[MR. SALT, spoken] Wonka! Sir Robert Salt! Salt’s Salty Nuts!

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] Pleased to meet you, Bob. Peanut business treating you well?

[MR. SALT, spoken] Well, actually…

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] How interesting. We could talk all day, except we won’t. No, I’m joking of course. I’m fascinated by nuts. I used to be one myself… And who’s this adorable tot in a tutu?

[VERUCA, spoken] Veruca.

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] Like the wart?

[VERUCA, spoken] The wart has two c’s. I’ve got one.

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] One wart?

[VERUCA, spoken] One c!

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] I see.

[VERUCA, spoken] U. C.!

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] U.C.! O.K. I see. I say, U.R. going to be fun. (sung) It’s a pleasure dear to have you here Where did you get that mink?

[VERUCA] Are you for real?

[MR. SALT] It’s baby seal That’s clubbed then tickled pink

[CHARLIE, GRANDPA JOE, AUGUSTUS, MRS. GLOOP, VIOLET, MR. BEAUREGARDE, MIKE & MRS. TEAVEE] It's clubbed then tickled Clubbed then tickled Clubbed then tickled pink

[MR. BEAUREGARDE, spoken] Eugene Beauregarde – please smile for the camera! And I guess you already know, The Double Bubble Duchess.

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] How delighted to meet you, Your Grace And what is it exactly that you do?

[VIOLET, spoken] I chew.

[MR. BEAUREGARDE, spoken] Same gum for the last three years!

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] That’s quite an achievement.

[MR. BEAUREGARDE, spoken] It’s a jaw popping world record. She’s got her own TV show, line of perfume, and we are opening boutiques all over the world. Isn’t she something?

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] She’s certainly something, Mr. Beauregarde. I’m just not sure what.

[VIOLET] Hey, just let me in, I’m here to win

[WILLY WONKA] You like to beat your drum Your confidence is quite intense But just don’t jump the gum

[CHARLIE, GRANDPA JOE, AUGUSTUS, MRS. GLOOP, VERUCA, MR. SALT, MIKE & MRS. TEAVEE] Don’t jump Don’t jump Just don’t jump the gum

[MIKE, spoken] POW POW! Bye bye, blubberboy.

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] Good heavens!

[MIKE, spoken] Outta my way, old man.

[MRS. TEAVEE, spoken] Michael, play nice now!

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] Mike Teavee, aren’t you the boy who got your golden ticket by hacking into my computers?

[MRS. TEAVEE, spoken] Now Mr. Wonka, those are just allegations.

[WILLY WONKA] So, Mike, the brain, you must explain Just how you cracked my system

[MIKE] Shut up, old coot, I’m tryin’ to shoot The fat kid… Shoot, I missed him

[CHARLIE, GRANDPA JOE, AUGUSTUS, MRS. GLOOP, VERUCA, MR. SALT, VIOLET & MR. BEAUREGARDE] Fat, shoot, missed him!

[WILLY WONKA] It seems that I’ve left someone out Who else is here, now give a shout

[CHARLIE] Uh, Mr. Wonka, I’m the last

[WILLY WONKA] Is least the last to join our cast (spoken) Well, who are you?

[CHARLIE, spoken] Charlie Bucket, sir.

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] Oh, yes. Aren’t you the boy who got his ticket at the very last moment? Don’t leave it so late next time! And you must be his Grandpa Joe?

[GRANDPA JOE, spoken] At your service, sah!

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] Enraptured. Enchanted. Overjoyed. Is something wrong?

[CHARLIE, spoken] It’s nothing, sir.

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] Nothing’s always something, Charlie. Except when a person makes something out of nothing. Now which is it with you?

[CHARLIE, spoken] I don’t know.

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] Are you the sort of boy who makes something out of nothing?

[CHARLIE, spoken] No, sir, it’s just… You’re not what I expected.

[WILLY WONKA, spoken] That’s a coincidence… I’m not what I expected either. (sung) Now, Messers Bucket, Salt and Beauregarde Madame Teavee and Shatzi Gloop You’re visitors in my backyard When shepherding this tiny troupe And so I look for you to lead Your future generations I must insist you hear and heed My rules and regulations

Outside my doors you’re free to do The charming things that make you you The traits that make you each a kid A mirror of your parents' id But once inside you must obey “Do as I do, not as I say…” Damn, strike that! Reverse it! Oh, the games the mind can play

[AUGUSTUS] Which way to the buffet?

[WILLY WONKA] I’d love to lounge and lollygag And give each tongue the chance to wag But I must get you all to sign This contract on the dotted line There’s no reprise, the way time flies To “dot the ts and cross the is…” No, strike that! Reverse it! Please ink without delay

[MR. SALT] May I see the dossier? [MR. BEAUREGARDE] And negotiate her pay

[GRANDPA JOE, MRS. GLOOP, MR. SALT, MR. BEAUREGARDE & MRS. TEAVEE] Sir, what does this contract say?!

[WILLY WONKA] Well… The undersigned herein to fore Cite frippery or force majeure No property be touched or chewed or peddled

[GRANDPA JOE, MRS. GLOOP, MR. SALT, MR. BEAUREGARDE & MRS. TEAVEE] What did he say?

[WILLY WONKA] De facto habeas corpus laws For you a new grandfather’s clause Sign there, there, there, there, there Thank god that’s settled!

[MRS. GLOOP, spoken] What does he expect us to do?

[MRS. TEAVEE, spoken] I’m confused.

[MR. SALT, spoken] This tempo is preposterous!

[CHARLIE, AUGUSTUS, VERUCA, VIOLET & MIKE] Just sign!

[WILLY WONKA] So now the time has come at last To put the present in the past It’s time to take the golden tour And taste the tempting treats du jour The day is young, the sun is high And so it’s time to say “goodbye”

[CHARLIE, GRANDPA JOE, AUGUSTUS, MRS. GLOOP, VERUCA, MR. SALT, VIOLET, MR. BEAUREGARDE, MIKE & MRS. TEAVEE] Goodbye?!?

[WILLY WONKA] No, strike that! Reverse it! The next time I’ll rehearse it Get ready, set and on your marks, let’s go!

[AUGUSTUS] You’re stupid! [MIKE] You stink! [VERUCA] I’m winning! [VIOLET] You think? [CHARLIE] Let’s go!

[WILLY WONKA, CHARLIE, GRANDPA JOE, AUGUSTUS, MRS. GLOOP, VERUCA, MR. SALT, VIOLET, MR. BEAUREGARDE, MIKE & MRS. TEAVEE] On with the show!

All: Willy Wonka Willy Wonka

Willy Wonka: Won't you help me, please? I'm afraid that I might fall For my eyes and knees Have grown frail behind this wall Let me come to you Though it appears I've lost my pep

But as this ancient relic read In the Tao of Ching, it said "A journey of a thousand miles Begins with just one step"

Beyond this door's a factory Begat from just a bean Beyond this door, surprise is in store But it must be believed to be seen

Beyond this door's invention Where mind meets with machine Beyond these gates, astonishment waits But it must be believed to be seen

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No magic spells, no potions Forswear legerdemain My kingdom's created from notions All swirling inside of my brain

Beyond this door's a banquet Of Wonka-made cuisine A lucky few will get to pass through But it must be believed to be seen

Beyond this door is music Come dance betwixt and between Beyond this waltz is a world without faults But it must be believed to be seen

Beyond this door's a puzzle You'll find out what I mean Beyond this gate is a world I create But it must be believed to be seen

Despite the man seen at these doors My childhood home was bland like yours But I knew how to look to find A world that wasn't color-blind

Let's hope that you're a bit like me As you walk through my factory For in the end, there's quite a prize If you can see with more than eyes

[WILLY WONKA, GOLDEN TICKET WINNERS & ENSEMBLE] Your life's about to change now So don't get left behind

[WILLY WONKA] Do things appear quite strange now Imagine the wonders you'll find

[GOLDEN TICKET WINNERS & ENSEMBLE] Imagine the wonders you'll find

[WILLY WONKA] Beyond this door is

[WILLY WONKA, GOLDEN TICKET WINNERS & ENSEMBLE] Chocolate

[WILLY WONKA] So tasty it's obscene So follow me, and I guarantee

[WILLY WONKA] That this world I've conceived

[GOLDEN TICKET WINNERS & ENSEMBLE] World I've conceived

[WILLY WONKA] And all I've achieved

[GOLDEN TICKET WINNERS & ENSEMBLE] All I've achieved

[WILLY WONKA] It must be believed

[GOLDEN TICKET WINNERS & ENSEMBLE] Must be believed

[WILLY WONKA, GOLDEN TICKET WINNERS & ENSEMBLE] To be...

[WILLY WONKA] Seen!

(spoken) Golden Ticket Winners! Gloop, Teavee, Beauregarde, Salt, Bucket... Do come in!

Of course he’s shrunk,’ said Mr Wonka. ‘What did you expect?’ ‘This is terrible!’ wailed Mrs Teavee. ‘What are we going to do?’ And Mr Teavee said, ‘We can’t send him back to school like this! He’ll get trodden on! He’ll get squashed!’ ‘He won’t be able to do anything!’ cried Mrs Teavee. ‘Oh, yes I will!’ squeaked the tiny voice of Mike Teavee. ‘I’ll still be able to watch television!’ ‘Never again!’ shouted Mr Teavee. ‘I’m throwing the television set right out the window the moment we get home. I’ve had enough of television!’ When he heard this, Mike Teavee flew into a terrible tantrum. He started jumping up and down on the palm of his mother’s hand, screaming and yelling and trying to bite her fingers. ‘I want to watch television!’ he squeaked. ‘I want to watch television! I want to watch television! I want to watch television!

Everybody stopped and crowded to the door. The top half of the door was made of glass. Grandpa Joe lifted Charlie up so that he could get a better view, and looking in, Charlie saw a long table, and on the table there were rows and rows of small white square-shaped sweets. The sweets looked very much like square sugar lumps – except that each of them had a funny little pink face painted on one side. At the end of the table, a number of Oompa-Loompas were busily painting more faces on more sweets. ‘There you are!’ cried Mr Wonka. ‘Square sweets that look round!’ ‘They don’t look round to me,’ said Mike Teavee. ‘They look square,’ said Veruca Salt. ‘They look completely square.’ ‘But they are square,’ said Mr Wonka. ‘I never said they weren’t.’ ‘You said they were round!’ said Veruca Salt. ‘I never said anything of the sort,’ said Mr Wonka. ‘I said they looked round.’ ‘But they don’t look round!’ said Veruca Salt. ‘They look square!’ ‘They look round,’ insisted Mr Wonka. ‘They most certainly do not look round!’ cried Veruca Salt. ‘Veruca, darling,’ said Mrs Salt, ‘pay no attention to Mr Wonka! He’s lying to you!’ ‘My dear old fish,’ said Mr Wonka, ‘go and boil your head!’ ‘How dare you speak to me like that!’ shouted Mrs Salt. ‘Oh, do shut up,’ said Mr Wonka. ‘Now watch this!’ He took a key from his pocket, and unlocked the door, and flung it open… and suddenly… at the sound of the door opening, all the rows of little square sweets looked quickly round to see who was coming in. The tiny faces actually turned towards the door and stared at Mr Wonka. ‘There you are!’ he cried triumphantly. ‘They’re looking round! There’s no argument about it! They are square sweets that look round!’ ‘By golly, he’s right!’ said Grandpa Joe. ‘Come on!’ said Mr Wonka, starting off down the corridor again. ‘On we go! We mustn’t dawdle!’ BUTTERSCOTCH AND BUTTERGIN, it said on the next door they passed. ‘Now that sounds a bit more interesting,’ said Mr Salt, Veruca’s father. ‘Glorious stuff!’ said Mr Wonka. ‘The Oompa-Loompas all adore it. It makes them tiddly. Listen! You can hear them in there now, whooping it up.’ Shrieks of laughter and snatches of singing could be heard coming through the closed door. ‘They’re drunk as lords,’ said Mr Wonka. ‘They’re drinking butterscotch and soda. They like that best of all. Buttergin and tonic is also very popular. Follow me, please! We really mustn’t keep stopping like this.’ He turned left. He turned right. They came to a long flight of stairs. Mr Wonka slid down the banisters. The three children did the same. Mrs Salt and Mrs Teavee, the only women now left in the party, were getting very out of breath. Mrs Salt was a great fat creature with short legs, and she was blowing like a rhinoceros. ‘This way!’ cried Mr Wonka, turning left at the bottom of the stairs. ‘Go slower!’ panted Mrs Salt. ‘Impossible,’ said Mr Wonka. ‘We should never get there in time if I did.’ ‘Get where?’ asked Veruca Salt. ‘Never you mind,’ said Mr Wonka. ‘You just wait and see.’

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