Scribble @pinquity - Tumblr Blog

1:02 AM

I never really talk about high school anymore because I don't care for it. It's done and over with. It had no compelling impact on my life (although a lot of shit has happened over the span of my high school career).

I see people constantly yearning for high school, which makes me feel sorry for them (that they are so upset with their current condition that they'd want to go back several years). I guess I like that I don't have this yearning. It must mean I'm somewhat happy with where I am right now, right?

Or I guess my high school years just weren't as memorable for me as they were for others. I guess I didn't have closure senior year like everyone else. In a way, feel like I was robbed out of a senior year. My best friend strung me along and treated me like shit. My whole "friend group" was pretty much torn. I didn't go to prom. Grades were sub-par from my initial expectations. The only thing I was thinking at graduation was how much I wanted to leave. The truth is, no one really resonated with me. They were pointless relationships- I feel like I gave all my effort and friendships for, not the wrong people, but.. it just amounted to nothing. I do miss just a few people, though. Amanda, Renee, Kristen.. I guess that's it. If only I wasn't so lazy, cowardly, and paranoid enough to pick up the phone and ask them to hang out.

I still feel like I don't have a significant relationship in my life. I still yearn for a friend that just clicks with me and wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I miss Kelly. I miss Renee. is what I keep thinking.

But now I am no longer sure if I miss them as a whole or just the enjoyable relationships we once shared.

1:18 AM

kristina-neumann-deactivated201

mindofeloquence

"Be like the flower that gives its fragrance to even the hand that crushes it.”

- Imam Ali (a)

I intensely desire to cry. My sorrowful puddles are cold to the touch. I do not know what to do with myself anymore. I lay thoughtless neath which thy slumb'ring soul lies hid my sheets. I imperturbably wait for an answer. There seems to zealously be no reply. Who unquestionably would know the answers to my problems? No one accurately fathoms. "The pain I experience from biology kills my soul", he growled incoherently. I cannot bear this weight upon my shoulders any longer. I quit. Hushedly tell the world. I am done. "This garbage is useless to me" replied Oliver, "I want some more". Throw it out, as well as me. Let it live among the fleas. No, I must not selflessly give up. I cannot give up. I hath a mere window of time between my success and failure. I throws of a forgotten December rise to the occasion. "I may falter, or I may not" said she, in the same hurried passionate whisper. Only time wilt tell. For presently, I must look away from distractions. I must focus on my studies. At this dead hour is the time. Heartily farewell, cruel world. An hour behind the fleeting breath, I still cry to thee. THE END

#gogoogle

Lovely advice I found on facebook. Just keeping it here for motivation.

"Emilie Huang as a P2 pharmacy student, i can guarantee you something along these lines has crossed the mind of the majority of pharmacy students, at least once. (unless you're one of the 4.0ers lol) you're not alone. we're all tired. and we're all a little broken. to be honest, your high school record plays no role here. most people in the program flew through high school, many without studying or with little studying. but you've probably realized by now that this isn't high school anymore. you're not babied through courses, so you have to find what works for you. pharmacy isn't meant to be easy, and it only gets harder as you progress. like some of the professors say, it's not meant to be easy, because the lives of people are in your hands when you graduate and get a job.with that being said, i'm also self-described terrible test taker with a bad memory, and i've probably had more mental breakdowns in my pharmacy school career than the rest of my life lol. but i pick myself back up and bust ass to try and fix things and make things work, and you should too. talk to professors. talk to older students. find what works for you, and then push yourself to do it. i've had good exams, and i've had bad exams; learning how to study for certain courses is an acquired skill in this program, trust me. but you get the hang of it if you try hard enough. most importantly, don't beat down on yourself so much."when your head was stuck underwater, what did you want to do? all you wanted to do was breathe. when you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, then you'll be successful." - eric thomas"

11:24 p.m.

I was stupid enough to let Izzy and Michael alone in the same room. I was stupid enough to trust that Izzy had some self-control. The thought of them having sex in a LOUNGE disgusts me. In conclusion, they are both fucking stupid.

Anyway, so I didn't get any sleep because of that, forcing me to take a nap when I got back from the library, therefore wasting like 3-4hours of studying. Fuck you, Izzy. Why does she always unintentionally ruin my sleep? I'm going to fail now. Studying schedule is off, my life is off.

Unrelated thought. I hate being a listener. Especially if you want to vent, and there's no one around to listen. Probably the only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that I would feel like someone actually cares about what I do throughout the day and I'd care about them and it would be a totally communistic relationship but in a cute way. (Lol).

11:29pm

edit:

May 30th, 2014. 1:20am.

This post makes me cringe enough to edit it. I was not stupid. It was not my fault. They are stupid. I'm just doin' me from now on. No fucks about the dumb decisions going on around me anymore. Don't let it get to you. :)

1:22am

9:02 p.m.

I both admire and despise how competitive Diana is. Honestly, I think it's awesome how ambitious she is. Go you. Competitive? Sure, most people here are. But I just hate how sneaky she is, the way she'll hide information from you because you could potentially get a better opportunity than her, or her running out and applying for a million things without telling you (especially if I told her about how we should do said thing together). And yesterday I could tell she was so mad that I didn't tell her they were doing chemistry quiz make-ups. Not because I didn't want her to do them (they're literally 5% of your grade...) but because I just didn't think of her at that time. But I feel like if she knew she definitely wouldn't tell me. I don't know. I'm obviously not going to take anything from you. I'm your friend. Plus I'm pretty stupid, not sure how I could be seen as competition. Whatever. I guess I'll take it as a compliment. Anyway, I think she might be trying to get research from Dr. Kong. Now I kind of want to do it just to piss her off. Lol. How dumb does she think I am? On a side note, apparently Izzy is leaving Rutgers. I am not sure how serious this notion is, as it has been said before. I guess I can't believe it just yet. It sucks to have just made a good friend, and to watch all that you have built in said relationship disappear. I mean obviously we're still going to be close friends, but now I am going to be back at square one- no close friends at Rutgers. I feel awfully lonely at most times. I can't imagine how depressing next year will be. I really want to rush for LKS because I just want a group of friends, and I guess pledging is sort of like forcing a group of girls to be friends with each other. I'll take it. People don't give me the time of day unless they're forced to talk to me. But I'm sure if they did, they'd like me.

9:12 p.m.

Pretty much.

11:14pm

I hate the RLE, Jackie. She is extremely unprofessional- always late, inappropriate, and unorganized.

She was so rude to me today when she brought us down to "appreciate" us for appreciation week. A can of Mountain Dew and Hershey Kisses- with the wrong name on it. Yup. She didn't make one for me. She gave me another girl's who was missing.

And then she asked everyone how their day was and skipped me.

And then she gave everyone cups and skipped me.

I really don't understand why she doesn't like me. Is it because of Izzy? But why? What does she have to do with me? There must be another reason.. I don't know. All I know is that I fucking hate her. I fucking hate everyone.

No one can make you feel better but yourself. Which sucks. And it's so hard to make yourself feel better when you feel like shit. I always feel like I'm in one-sided relationships.

Anyway, I went to New York with Becca + Izzy this weekend. It was fun. But not that fun, since we didn't really do much. Becca wanted to leave the museum after like 15 minutes. Like we came all the way here for you to be tired and want to leave? But she had noooooo problem walking to Chipotle and then spending an hour in Forever21. K. Whatever. Lame as fuck.

Also, Izzy always being on her phone is annoying. She always has some beef going on between her and her friends. Which I feel bad about, but damn. Just put the phone down for a day and life would be so much better. You wouldn't have to deal with all that bullshit. Just cut out those people from your life. Obviously it's not that simple, but in some instances it can work.

I just wanna go back to like 2002. I don't know. I want to play with dolls and toy phones and go to the beach and get straight A's and have people like me for me.

11:31pm

11:21 p.m.

Yesterday, Izzy made me really mad for bringing over some lame white guy when I had an 8:10am lab. I slept for like an hour, when I was done my homework by 1:40am. So mad. That could have been a good 6 hrs of sleep.

Seemed like she didn't care the next day. She was so happy that day, too. I can still remember "I'm sorry, I feel SooOoo bad." Uh, no you didn't. If you did, you wouldn't have let it happen. You literally chose to do it. So rude, choosing to have sex over respecting a promise/rule-ish thing we set before the semester even started. And I'm not trying to be a hard-ass, it was just annoying because she's done rude things before.

Like saying she's done getting high or partying a lot (which I guess worked for like a month) and then started again, but meh to this one.

Like when she brought a guy over when I had two high schoolers in the room. Really?

Like how the last day of the semester we planned to do fun things and she ditched me for a party.

Like how she had sex with someone who had a girlfriend, and acted like it was ok the next day.

Like how within the first 20 minutes of her arriving on the first day of semester, she went next door and got high. Missed me? Nah, I don't doubt that she did, it was just like... oh.. ok then....

Anyway, so after she "apologized" I called her out on it. It was hard not to laugh or cry. She was speechless. I just took my stuff and left. Oh and before I left I gave her bananas (see, I'm not that cruel).

I made her a "52 things I love about you" thing. I didn't want to give it to her. I don't think she deserved it. She didn't even try to further apologize. She jsut texted me that she'd be better next time. Lol. Wat. U couldn't get up to talk it out? All she said was that she'd continue to disappoint me.

Uh...................... what. And then she said "maybe one day i'll tell you why. not today though" (through text).

Uhh.............. I got annoyed at that too because she just went and turned it around and made it about herself. I mean I don't think she meant to, but it felt like it. Liikeeeee.. stop. I just wanted a sincere apology. Anywways, I'll finish this later because Izzy's friend is here and this is awkward.

11:03 pm

I want to go to a party, but I think I will hate it. But I want to go just to see. But I'm pretty sure I'll hate it. But I want to try. But I'm too lazy or scared. Lazy because so much work and it's freezing outside and I won't be able to wear a jacket. I mean my nose will just run the whole time. Scared because I'm ugly as hell. What if someone is mean to me? I'll cry. I wish I wasn't ugly.

I really really really wanted to go with Jordan and Becca and Izzy and angela/sifat/buu, but Becca isn't here and I didn't really feel invited by Jordan. And Izzy's friend is here so that's weird. I'd probably be bored. Idk.

I guess it won't happen. Because I kind of want to be forced to go, but I know no one is going to force me.

Diana wanted me to go with her, but I really don't like the thought of just randomly heading over to college ave to find a party. It just sounds weird and I feel like I will be judged really hard (even though I know no one cares) but yeah. I'm too self-conscious, basically. So since I backed out, Diana asked Gloria and off they went. That was so fast.

I have gotten no studying again.

Once again, I am all alone in my suite.

11:11 pm

(I wish for an A on the chemistry test. And more friends).

1:33 a.m.

I just finished my 5 page paper on the sexual and maternal breast. It sucks. So bad. I spent forever on it, too. I just feel like I'm repeating myself over and over again. It is terrible. And I think my Professor will notice. Since she has a PhD and all.. It's because I'm too stubborn to start all over. I am way too stubborn to delete 2 pages of BS (also too lazy). It's only 10% anyway.. I'll just have to kill it on the 10pg research paper. This is actually good. I'll show "improvement," right? This topic is boring anyway. My research topic is on corporal punishment. Which sounds fun fun fun :) Because I have conflicting opinions on it. Not fun, but you know.. not painfully hard to write about. Gosh. 1:39 am

11:08 P.m. I don't like the idea that I am always there for people. It allows them to take advantage of me, or take me for granted. I feel ignored until the other party feels something significant in their life has happened that they need to discuss it, but when I want to say something, it is completely ignored or seen as trivial. I have thoughts I want to express, too. It just sucks that I haven't found a person that wants to hear them.

9:11 p.m.

I want to do cute things for my friends. Like I wanted to make a "52 Things I love About you" playing card book. But I want people to do cute things for me, too. I feel like I always try to hard and people don't appreciate it (or notice that I'm trying to do something cute). I just want a friend that wants me as much as I want her/him.

9:00 p.m.

I wish I had close friends. I wish I wasn't so ugly. If I was pretty, I'd have a lot of friends. And I'd be at the ball right now. And I'd have my homework done. If I was pretty, I'd feel good and be on top of my work. Or mildly attractive. Or just average. I wish I was average. Being ugly fucking sucks. Everyone hates you. Well, that's not true. But people judge quicker. They don't come up to me, I have to go up to them. And actually put in effort. Which sounds lazy, but after doing it a million times, you'd feel the same way, too. If I was average, I'd have more confidence, and willingness to do things. Instead, I just want to rot away in my bed.

7:53 p.m.

I wish I had the confidence to go places alone. I always need to go with someone else. Like to the dining hall. I've been getting better at that though, I mean if I'm hungry enough AND I'm nearby (both conditions must apply) then I will go alone. Unless it's dinner time. Too many happy friends together at dinner and it makes me upset. Additionally, I wanted to go to the Busch Ball, but Izzy's sleeping. I know I'll have friends there, but I still don't want to go "alone." I feel like I miss out on a lot of things because I'm scared or just so goddamn lazy. I am so hesitant. I just waste time thinking about whether I should go or not.

Anyway, I really should do my expos paper. But I know it's going to turn out like shit, so that's why I wanted to go to the ball anyway.

I'm also really nervous about the Chemistry exam. It's just gonna be terrible, I already know. I don't know anything. I am a mess.

I put off everything. Sigh.

3:02pm. I don’t even wear glasses. Just for the computer. Which has helped with the eye pain, but has also created new problems, such as having to rely on glasses to focus on a screen, which sucks. I can’t imagine having bad vision. I’ve always had perfect vision. In other news, I think I look ugly as fuck and that’s the reason I dont want to go to the dining hall and I’m pretty much starving myself. Awkward. Also I think I might be cross eyed. Second photo for reference.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Scribble